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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


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18 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

We have been rolling as of late here at Casa de Hulla.  Wife is painting the bedroom.  I BEGGED her to just pay someone to it.  FUCK HGTV.

She asked me for help calculating much paint will be needed.   Her numbers weren't coming out in the online calculator.  

Her:  I have these measurements.   This stupid thing isn't working.  I input the numbers. The room is 12'5" by 18'31".
Me:  18 feet, 31 inches?  
Her:  Yes.
Me:  Why 31 inches?  Was the tape measure only 18 ft long?  
Her:  Yep.  How did you know? 

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so the son's school is starting summer workouts on Monday and as you might guess the district has a laundry list of policies and procedures that must be followed.One of the rules is the school cannot provide water and kids must bring their own, at least a gallon every day. One of her friends who has a kid going to the same stuff texts her a picture of some Rtic or some shit and asks her if she wants her to grab her one... wife says "No way I'm spending $42 on one of those things"

She is now off to the store to come up with her own solution...there is not a chance in hell this ends well, or with a cost of <$42... 

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51 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

We have been rolling as of late here at Casa de Hulla.  Wife is painting the bedroom.  I BEGGED her to just pay someone to it.  FUCK HGTV.

She asked me for help calculating much paint will be needed.   Her numbers weren't coming out in the online calculator.  

Her:  I have these measurements.   This stupid thing isn't working.  I input the numbers. The room is 12'5" by 18'31".
Me:  18 feet, 31 inches?  
Her:  Yes.
Me:  Why 31 inches?  Was the tape measure only 18 ft long?  
Her:  Yep.  How did you know? 

lavar ball sport GIF by Ball in the Family

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28 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

so the son's school is starting summer workouts on Monday and as you might guess the district has a laundry list of policies and procedures that must be followed.One of the rules is the school cannot provide water and kids must bring their own, at least a gallon every day. One of her friends who has a kid going to the same stuff texts her a picture of some Rtic or some shit and asks her if she wants her to grab her one... wife says "No way I'm spending $42 on one of those things"

She is now off to the store to come up with her own solution...there is not a chance in hell this ends well, or with a cost of <$42... 

You: they sell water by the gallon for 99cents at Walmart

Her: 48 individual 4oz gourmet waters for $2.00 each.

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1 hour ago, Dennis Taylor said:

so the son's school is starting summer workouts on Monday and as you might guess the district has a laundry list of policies and procedures that must be followed.One of the rules is the school cannot provide water and kids must bring their own, at least a gallon every day. One of her friends who has a kid going to the same stuff texts her a picture of some Rtic or some shit and asks her if she wants her to grab her one... wife says "No way I'm spending $42 on one of those things"

She is now off to the store to come up with her own solution...there is not a chance in hell this ends well, or with a cost of <$42... 

This post demands a follow-up.

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7 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

so the son's school is starting summer workouts on Monday and as you might guess the district has a laundry list of policies and procedures that must be followed.One of the rules is the school cannot provide water and kids must bring their own, at least a gallon every day. One of her friends who has a kid going to the same stuff texts her a picture of some Rtic or some shit and asks her if she wants her to grab her one... wife says "No way I'm spending $42 on one of those things"

She is now off to the store to come up with her own solution...there is not a chance in hell this ends well, or with a cost of <$42... 

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18 hours ago, hullabelew said:

We have been rolling as of late here at Casa de Hulla.  Wife is painting the bedroom.  I BEGGED her to just pay someone to it.  FUCK HGTV.

She asked me for help calculating much paint will be needed.   Her numbers weren't coming out in the online calculator.  

Her:  I have these measurements.   This stupid thing isn't working.  I input the numbers. The room is 12'5" by 18'31".
Me:  18 feet, 31 inches?  
Her:  Yes.
Me:  Why 31 inches?  Was the tape measure only 18 ft long?  
Her:  Yep.  How did you know? 

michael buble chef kiss GIF by bubly

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Her:   men are nasty. Always getting tiny pee drops on the floor around the toilet when you piss. Yall should sit to pee like women

 

Me:  no thanks I’d rather it get on the floor than all over my ass and junk

 

Her: *silent thoughts*
 

Me: yes, all women have pee all over their butts unless they just hopped out of the shower

 

tone

Edited by GotThatFire
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38 minutes ago, GotThatFire said:

Her:   men are nasty. Always getting tiny pee drops on the floor around the toilet when you piss. Yall should sit to pee like women

 

Me:  no thanks I’d rather it get on the floor than all over my ass and junk

 

Her: *silent thoughts*
 

Me: yes, all women have pee all over their butts unless they just hopped out of the shower

 

tone

go on......

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2 hours ago, GotThatFire said:

Her:   men are nasty. Always getting tiny pee drops on the floor around the toilet when you piss. Yall should sit to pee like women

 

Me:  no thanks I’d rather it get on the floor than all over my ass and junk

 

Her: *silent thoughts*
 

Me: yes, all women have pee all over their butts unless they just hopped out of the shower

 

tone

I've seen films that start this way.  Thanks for translating the German dialogue for me.  

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My wife normally does the grocery curbside pickup, but as I had somewhere to go today I told her I'd do it. After I left the house I realized I didn't know if I needed some order confirmation number or something when I got there - so I called her.

 

Me: Hey, what's the procedure for doing the curbside pickup?

 

Her: When you get there, park where the signs are. It'll have a number on it. Text that to them and they'll bring it out.

 

Me: Okay. Text or email me whatever I need for when I get there. (She placed the order on her laptop.)

 

Her: The phone number is on the sign. Just text that number with the spot number.

 

Me: And they're going to say, "Great. Who are you?"

 

Her: No, they'll bring it to the car.

 

Me: How are they going to know who I am?

 

Her: Because of the number on the sign.

 

Me: So I'm going to say, "Hey, I'm in spot #12 and..."

 

Her: No, just say "#12".

 

Me: And that's going to tell them which order to bring out?

 

Her: Oh. (Silence) Okay. Now I get it. (Laughs)

 

Me: Yes?

 

Her: I was wondering, "Why can't he figure this out?"

 

Me: I was thinking something similar.

 

Her: Yes dear. I'll send it as soon as I get off the phone.

 

And she did.

 

 

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4 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

My wife reposted some inane bullshit on FB & 2× she deleted my comment with 3 reasonable answers as to why it was fake.

The item was about how "the MSM won't show this to you - the Lincoln Memorial was totally defaced with vandalism & spray paint... this got deleted 3× today! Share it everywhere!".

So I reported her post to FB as fake news.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

You weren’t getting laid anyway so good move?

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14 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

My wife reposted some inane bullshit on FB & 2× she deleted my comment with 3 reasonable answers as to why it was fake.

The item was about how "the MSM won't show this to you - the Lincoln Memorial was totally defaced with vandalism & spray paint... this got deleted 3× today! Share it everywhere!".

So I reported her post to FB as fake news.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

This is fantastic, on both parts. 

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So last week the baby had a stomach bug and was shitting twice as much as usual, meaning twice as many dirty diapers in our trash. Tues night I put the garbage out for the usual Wed pickup (now understand our trash pickup usually hits in the afternoon). Wednesday morning my wife goes and gets the 10yo daughter from her grandparents at about 11am.. trash hasn't picked up yet, but my wife just assumes it has for no reason and when they get back, she instructs the girl to get the trashcan and roll it back into the garage. Never in the 2 years we've lived at his house has either of them ever touched the outside garbage bin. It's never their chore, always mine. Fine..... but for some reason this week is the week. 

Doesn't faze the daughter ONE BIT that the can is clearly still full while she rolls it back into the garage. 15 min later the trash guys come by. 

Now I have a full ass trashcan in the garage with double the usual amount of dirty diapers, and we're looking at 100+ for the next several days. 

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17 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

So last week the baby had a stomach bug and was shitting twice as much as usual, meaning twice as many dirty diapers in our trash. Tues night I put the garbage out for the usual Wed pickup (now understand our trash pickup usually hits in the afternoon). Wednesday morning my wife goes and gets the 10yo daughter from her grandparents at about 11am.. trash hasn't picked up yet, but my wife just assumes it has for no reason and when they get back, she instructs the girl to get the trashcan and roll it back into the garage. Never in the 2 years we've lived at his house has either of them ever touched the outside garbage bin. It's never their chore, always mine. Fine..... but for some reason this week is the week. 

Doesn't faze the daughter ONE BIT that the can is clearly still full while she rolls it back into the garage. 15 min later the trash guys come by. 

Now I have a full ass trashcan in the garage with double the usual amount of dirty diapers, and we're looking at 100+ for the next several days. 

Avatar checks out.

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On 6/4/2020 at 12:34 PM, hullabelew said:

We have been rolling as of late here at Casa de Hulla.  Wife is painting the bedroom.  I BEGGED her to just pay someone to it.  FUCK HGTV.

She asked me for help calculating much paint will be needed.   Her numbers weren't coming out in the online calculator.  

Her:  I have these measurements.   This stupid thing isn't working.  I input the numbers. The room is 12'5" by 18'31".
Me:  18 feet, 31 inches?  
Her:  Yes.
Me:  Why 31 inches?  Was the tape measure only 18 ft long?  
Her:  Yep.  How did you know? 

gotdamn metric system

On 6/4/2020 at 1:29 PM, Cheeseweasel said:

You: they sell water by the gallon for 99cents at Walmart

Her: 48 individual 4oz gourmet waters for $2.00 each.

ex would buy the 8 oz. mini's for the same price as the 16.9's.  I  asked why, she said "It fits on the fridge shelf, the regular ones are too tall."

Me:  You know that shelf is adjustable right

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9 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

So last week the baby had a stomach bug and was shitting twice as much as usual, meaning twice as many dirty diapers in our trash. Tues night I put the garbage out for the usual Wed pickup (now understand our trash pickup usually hits in the afternoon). Wednesday morning my wife goes and gets the 10yo daughter from her grandparents at about 11am.. trash hasn't picked up yet, but my wife just assumes it has for no reason and when they get back, she instructs the girl to get the trashcan and roll it back into the garage. Never in the 2 years we've lived at his house has either of them ever touched the outside garbage bin. It's never their chore, always mine. Fine..... but for some reason this week is the week. 

Doesn't faze the daughter ONE BIT that the can is clearly still full while she rolls it back into the garage. 15 min later the trash guys come by. 

Now I have a full ass trashcan in the garage with double the usual amount of dirty diapers, and we're looking at 100+ for the next several days. 

Ten year old and a baby? Condom break?

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11 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

So last week the baby had a stomach bug and was shitting twice as much as usual, meaning twice as many dirty diapers in our trash. Tues night I put the garbage out for the usual Wed pickup (now understand our trash pickup usually hits in the afternoon). Wednesday morning my wife goes and gets the 10yo daughter from her grandparents at about 11am.. trash hasn't picked up yet, but my wife just assumes it has for no reason and when they get back, she instructs the girl to get the trashcan and roll it back into the garage. Never in the 2 years we've lived at his house has either of them ever touched the outside garbage bin. It's never their chore, always mine. Fine..... but for some reason this week is the week. 

Doesn't faze the daughter ONE BIT that the can is clearly still full while she rolls it back into the garage. 15 min later the trash guys come by. 

Now I have a full ass trashcan in the garage with double the usual amount of dirty diapers, and we're looking at 100+ for the next several days. 

Just pretend you’re in New Orleans.

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1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

Just pretend you’re in New Orleans.

Good morning, North Loop how are ya?

Don't you know my trashcan's full,

It's full of diapers and smells just like New Orleans,

It'll be a hundred degrees with the risin sun

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In the last three days, my wife has successfully broken down a cardboard box before putting it in the outside recycling bin and she remembered to turn off the living room fan when she went to bed. What the hell is happening? The only explanation is that aliens kidnapped my actual wife and replaced her with some sort of replica. The replica was good enough to fool me until I saw her flip the fan switch off. That's when I had my Kaiser Soze moment.

Shocked The Usual Suspects GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

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