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Prevent Farting on Planes

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Took the family out to eat the other night, and it was my turn to have some drinks while the wife handled the driving.  Mexican food.  Those beans traversed my GI tract faster than the average Jester meal, and I quietly let one out as we were enjoying a pleasant drive home.  About 5 seconds later my wife rolls my window down, to which I said "why'd you do that?" and she replied "because you farted and it's gross".  "I didn't fart."  "Yes you did, it had to be you."
At that point I went turncoat on my teenage son and said "HE did it, he's been farting all night" to which he responded with genuine shock and anger "I didn't do it, Mom, I swear".  "Right."
The thing is, he pretty much knew I farted, and I (obviously) knew I farted, and he knew I set him up.  It's a Dad's right.  He's still pissed.  Too bad, son.


“It’s the fart game, you’ll play it one day son.”

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40 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

If you have ever worked in a cube farm, crop dusting as you walk down the aisles is very satisfying. 

Then turning around at the end of an aisle you just violated to observe the chaos as people look for someone to blame.

Next level shit is farting in the elevator and sending it to someone else's floor.

Some of my fondest office hijinks at a former job are remotely fart bombing the reception area for a rival film elsewhere in the building. The best part was that they knew exactly what was happening, but the building was large enough that they couldn't deduce the culprits. 

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53 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Next level shit is farting in the elevator and sending it to someone else's floor.

Some of my fondest office hijinks at a former job are remotely fart bombing the reception area for a rival film elsewhere in the building. The best part was that they knew exactly what was happening, but the building was large enough that they couldn't deduce the culprits. 

On the agenda for tomorrow. This fart bomb will be heading 7 floors up to legal right before lunch.

All the elevators will be headed down at that time of day so my chances of success are high. Can I wait until the 6th floor to unleash then jettison?

I wont ever know if it worked, but isn't that how angels operate?

Edited by MissingInAction

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1 hour ago, MissingInAction said:

If you have ever worked in a cube farm, crop dusting as you walk down the aisles is very satisfying. 

Then turning around at the end of an aisle you just violated to observe the chaos as people look for someone to blame.

My office used to be across the hall from our very cozy and warm copy/printer room.  It had a glass door.  My favorite form of demented entertainment was going in there and fouling the room, then retiring to my desk and watching for someone to walk in there.  Their expressions through the glass were priceless.  It was like my own private gas chamber.  

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31 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

On the agenda for tomorrow. This fart bomb will be heading 7 floors up to legal right before lunch.

All the elevators will be headed down at that time of day so my chances of success are high. Can I wait until the 6th floor to unleash then jettison?

I wont ever know if it worked, but isn't that how angels operate?

I worked with a bunch of equally juvenile shitheads so there was never any need to be clandestine about it, but we would summon the elevator to our floor, enter it, fart, hold the door while you shake it out/cut the cord, press the desired target floor, and exit. 

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6 hours ago, StruggleBus said:

You can barely even smell farts on a plane with the ventilation systems they have in place. I'm an expert. I've probably farted 10,000 times on airplanes. 

yeah, this.  I’ve pushed out bombs that would kill a child and the airplane just devours it.  and the story about someone hearing your farts on the plane is pretty dubious.  planes are loud as fuck.  

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1 hour ago, futureman said:

yeah, this.  I’ve pushed out bombs that would kill a child and the airplane just devours it.  and the story about someone hearing your farts on the plane is pretty dubious.  planes are loud as fuck.  

I have a very acute sense of smell (this is not something that you want...) so I may be an outlier, but I have definitely smelled farts on an airplane. 

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1 hour ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

I have a very acute sense of smell (this is not something that you want...) so I may be an outlier, but I have definitely smelled farts on an airplane. 

there's a certain smell that goes through suit fabric that is different, so then you know its coming from first class.

On 11/22/2019 at 9:28 PM, Bullneck said:

How would you know?  Are you a pilot?

He can fly.  He's pliot.

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Recently was seated next to a smoke show attorney on flight to LGA. She got up from her window seat and hit the forward lavatory...when she returned I used it as an oppty to take care of my own business. I walked in and it was like one of you guys had just bean-bombed the place. For some reason she was no longer as attractive.

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Recently was seated next to a smoke show attorney on flight to LGA. She got up from her window seat and hit the forward lavatory...when she returned I used it as an oppty to take care of my own business. I walked in and it was like one of you guys had just bean-bombed the place. For some reason she was even hotter.

FIFY

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On 11/22/2019 at 3:16 PM, futureman said:

 

 

lock the windows, furtively crank the heater, casually lean forward in seat and lift ass before pushing out scorching hot methane at an inaudible level, and wait for the panic of your unfortunate passengers.  hot car is one of my favorite games.  but I’m an asshole. 

It’s comforting hearing this from you...

Some things, truly, never change.  

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11 hours ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

A few years ago I wrapped up some meetings with the Navy in Charleston and afterward they insisted on taking me to some "BBQ" place, where I had pulled pork, a big bowl of beans, and a couple of beers.  The meal wasn't terrible, but it fermented.  A lot.  My afternoon flight back to Austin wasn't too crowded and I ended up in a row by myself, with a couple ladies in front of me.  I proceeded to put on headphones and watch a movie.  About halfway home, I was getting really uncomfortable, and decided I'd just sneak a few silent ones out.  After all I had the row to myself, nobody would know who did it.  The first one was uneventful, so I let out a second, more powerful one, and the lady in front of me turned around and looked.  No biggie, I thought.  So I did it again.  This time she turned around and GLARED at me.  It was at that point I remembered I had headphones on, so my "silent" farts were silent to me, but for everyone else not so much.  

I had literally never worn headphones in my life...weird I know.  But the first few times I did at the gym I was letting em rip, literally.  Took me about 2 weeks to figure out why I was getting so many stares.  This was when creatine first took off.  To this day I leave one of the headphones slightly off so I can pick up ambient noise.  

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2 hours ago, gecko said:

Recently was seated next to a smoke show attorney on flight to LGA. She got up from her window seat and hit the forward lavatory...when she returned I used it as an oppty to take care of my own business. I walked in and it was like one of you guys had just bean-bombed the place. For some reason she was no longer as attractive.

what the thought of her squatting and cutting a huge turd out of her I'm assuming fine ass made you queasy?

 

Pussy.

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7 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Next level shit is farting in the elevator and sending it to someone else's floor.

Fucking genius. In a target rich environment I can also see a case for leaving a bull snort in the elevator and then hitting all the buttons. 

6 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

All the elevators will be headed down at that time of day so my chances of success are high. Can I wait until the 6th floor to unleash then jettison?

I wont ever know if it worked, but isn't that how angels operate?

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7 hours ago, Marfa Low Crown said:

Fucking genius. In a target rich environment I can also see a case for leaving a bull snort in the elevator and then hitting all the buttons. 

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Avatar checks out.

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Got on a late plane the other night where I had the window seat and was trying to get some sleep.  The girl next to me in the middle seat had a small dog in her lap that was farting about every 30 seconds. Just close your eyes and imagine the the smell keeps getting renewed.

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The fart game is the best. I have several ways of amusing myself with the fart game.

Everyone leaves our office over noon hour. On days when when I have a gut full of gas. I like to sit in one of the my coworkers chairs and fill the chair with gas. The upholstery on these chairs just soak up the gas. When the victim sits down all the gas is expelled from the chair. It makes for a good time watching others assume who farted. On a gassy day I may fill two chairs.

When I have to shop with my wife. I try to see where I can get the most victims at once when crop dusting. My largest strike was in a Walmart at the photo machines where people are waiting to use the machines to decide what pictures they want developed. Around the holidays they have the large crowds to use the machines. Just crop dust away and watch the fun.

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42 minutes ago, Stormandy said:

The fart game is the best. I have several ways of amusing myself with the fart game.

Everyone leaves our office over noon hour. On days when when I have a gut full of gas. I like to sit in one of the my coworkers chairs and fill the chair with gas. The upholstery on these chairs just soak up the gas. When the victim sits down all the gas is expelled from the chair. It makes for a good time watching others assume who farted. On a gassy day I may fill two chairs.

When I have to shop with my wife. I try to see where I can get the most victims at once when crop dusting. My largest strike was in a Walmart at the photo machines where people are waiting to use the machines to decide what pictures they want developed. Around the holidays they have the large crowds to use the machines. Just crop dust away and watch the fun.

Mass casualties your game? There's a Luby's that I'm thinking of that could use the services of someone like you. Maybe at Thanksgiving.

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a good time is walking through a crowded mall in the afternoon during the holidays after a heavy lunch of beer and cheese and just carpet bombing the helpless shoppers.  it’s too crowded for anyone to know the source and it creates mass casualties. 

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I farted all throughout this extremely full flight from Delhi to Mumbai. Yes, I definitely improved the smell of the cabin interior. 

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I know a guy who shat all over himself on a flight from Austin to La Guardia.  The stewardess wouldn't let him run to the bathroom when boarding.  Upon departure, she and the rest of the first class cabin were not amused.  He threw his clothes away and strode through the airport in his bathrobe.

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On 12/4/2019 at 8:24 AM, Your Mom said:

You are all terrible people and may god have mercy on your souls. 

Give me a break, Mom.  You're dead.

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