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The Death of the Buffet


Sbbruin

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Interesting article in the WaPo.  

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/voraciously/wp/2020/07/13/welcome-to-the-new-buffet-which-isnt-a-buffet-anymore/?utm_campaign=wp_post_most&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&wpisrc=nl_most

I am not a Hometown Buffet/Golden Corral fatty, but I have always enjoyed salad bars (even the Sizzler salad bar is good shit to me) and the occasional Vegas buffet.  And buffet brunches are my jam, and I will go full fatty on those.  But I can't imagine we'll be seeing those anytime soon.  Might they be gone forever?  

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3 minutes ago, Sbbruin said:

Interesting article in the WaPo.  

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/voraciously/wp/2020/07/13/welcome-to-the-new-buffet-which-isnt-a-buffet-anymore/?utm_campaign=wp_post_most&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&wpisrc=nl_most

I am not a Hometown Buffet/Golden Corral fatty, but I have always enjoyed salad bars (even the Sizzler salad bar is good shit to me) and the occasional Vegas buffet.  And buffet brunches are my jam, and I will go full fatty on those.  But I can't imagine we'll be seeing those anytime soon.  Might they be gone forever?  

Not around the tidewater region in Va.  Been hanging with my dad the last couple weekends at his river cottage. It's pretty rural, but all the local stores require you to mask up. There's a place he likes to go that's still buffeting it up. $38 all you can eat with crab legs, and fried oysters.  The difference is now they serve it up, you don't touch anything on the line.  

I'm not a buffet guy, but I like that better anyway, much more sanitary.  

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5 minutes ago, Onboard 2.0 said:

Not around the tidewater region in Va.  Been hanging with my dad the last couple weekends at his river cottage. It's pretty rural, but all the local stores require you to mask up. There's a place he likes to go that's still buffeting it up. $38 all you can eat with crab legs, and fried oysters.  The difference is now they serve it up, you don't touch anything on the line.  

I'm not a buffet guy, but I like that better anyway, much more sanitary.  

Probably only works on the high end buffets.  Which means brunches may still have a future.

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5 minutes ago, Sbbruin said:

Probably only works on the high end buffets.  Which means brunches may still have a future.

This place definitely ain't high end.. it's the buffet crowd.. but yeah the model has gotten a bit more costly for the operators with extra serving staff.

 I think it'll be temporary as are many of the measures we're going thru right now.

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I had a buddy in high school who wanted his nickname to be "AYCE," as in the abbreviation for "all you can eat" on the receipt at a buffet.  He was....a big fella.

I had another buddy in high school who was dumber than a bag of hammers.  When Wendy's opened their "Super Bar" (combo salad bar, soups, baked potatoes) for cheap, we hit the hell out of it.  First time we go, he makes a big salad, then slathers on the dressing.  He takes a few bites, and says "man, this dressing tastes funny."  We look over at his plate, and we're all frozen until one guy speaks up.  "You fucking dumbass....you covered your salad with chocolate pudding."

I also have a story of a drunken Shoney's buffet experience the first night of my all-weekend bachelor party.  Lots of puking was involved. 

Buffets rarely lead to a dignified outcome.

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4 minutes ago, Mez2 said:

hi welcome to cici's!

Shit, damn near forgot that one.  Went on a spur-of-the-moment fishing trip several years back.  We reached Lake Jackson at dinner time, wanted something quick so we ran into the Cici's there.  It was.....depressing.  Kids with full diapers just running around, shit like that.  But the most depressing thing about it was.....there were a few couples there who were clearly OUT ON A DATE ON FRIDAY NIGHT.  Date night.  At Cici's.  Just fucking shoot me.

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14 minutes ago, strangulation! said:

long overdue for the health reasons alone, and i'm guessing the food wasted is (g)astronomical.

I remember reading somewhere that Vegas had some elaborate system where all the buffet leftovers got channeled to massive pig farms outside the city.

Guessing there are some pretty skinny pigs now.

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7 minutes ago, Onboard 2.0 said:

Exactly, fuck that, date night is Little Caesars...

Oh.....you went out and BOUGHT pizza for your date nights in?  Fancy motherfucker.  Sorry, the rest of us aren't named "Rockefeller," asshole.

Date night was a new release from Blockbuster and.....

totinos-party-pizza-pepperoni-460x460.pn

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29 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

I had a buddy in high school who wanted his nickname to be "AYCE," as in the abbreviation for "all you can eat" on the receipt at a buffet.  He was....a big fella.

I had another buddy in high school who was dumber than a bag of hammers.  When Wendy's opened their "Super Bar" (combo salad bar, soups, baked potatoes) for cheap, we hit the hell out of it.  First time we go, he makes a big salad, then slathers on the dressing.  He takes a few bites, and says "man, this dressing tastes funny."  We look over at his plate, and we're all frozen until one guy speaks up.  "You fucking dumbass....you covered your salad with chocolate pudding."

I also have a story of a drunken Shoney's buffet experience the first night of my all-weekend bachelor party.  Lots of puking was involved. 

Buffets rarely lead to a dignified outcome.

Well in the dumb guys defense, at the Springhill that used to be in Bee Cave, they put the tapioca pudding next to the salad dressings.  I thought it was bleu cheese, because lumps.  I like tapioca but not on my pickled okra and cucumbers.  

Edited by Judge Roybeanbag
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**I really am not trying to make this political, I swear.

I would guess that the correlation between the people that really like buffets and the people that think COVID is a scam is pretty strong, and that once this is over, they will continue to support their closest buffet.

I had the same thought a few weeks ago that this will probably end the buffet concept, but after some thought, I think they will make it through.

I mean, for fucks sake, I still see plenty of dudes leave the mens room without washing their filthy fucking dick hands, and we are being constantly bombarded by signs, commercials, ads, posters and everyone else telling us to wash them.

Edited by Orange&White
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2 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Oh.....you went out and BOUGHT pizza for your date nights in?  Fancy motherfucker.  Sorry, the rest of us aren't named "Rockefeller," asshole.

Date night was a new release from Blockbuster and.....

totinos-party-pizza-pepperoni-460x460.pn

just because totino’s is the cheapest frozen pizza out there does NOT mean that it isn’t also the fucking best. 

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2 hours ago, Wally Pryor said:

I remember reading somewhere that Vegas had some elaborate system where all the buffet leftovers got channeled to massive pig farms outside the city.

Guessing there are some pretty skinny pigs now.

TIL

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2 hours ago, Wally Pryor said:

I remember reading somewhere that Vegas had some elaborate system where all the buffet leftovers got channeled to massive pig farms outside the city.

Guessing there are some pretty skinny pigs now.

I've heard that one should be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm.

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2 hours ago, Orange&White said:

**I really am not trying to make this political, I swear.

I would guess that the correlation between the people that really like buffets and the people that think COVID is a scam is pretty strong, and that once this is over, they will continue to support their closest buffet.

I had the same thought a few weeks ago that this will probably end the buffet concept, but after some thought, I think they will make it through.

I mean, for fucks sake, I still see plenty of dudes leave the mens room without washing their filthy fucking dick hands, and we are being constantly bombarded by signs, commercials, ads, posters and everyone else telling us to wash them.

It all depends on the region of the country for the political angle, IMO, but you're generally correct.

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Fuck Panchos and fuck Golden Corral and their chicken leg/ slice of pizza in the chocolate fountain.

 

I will( before cv-19) still do AYCE crablegs or crawfish at a casino buffet.  I will also do a reliable local Chinese buffet, and by reliable I mean I don't get the Shanghai walking squirts the next day...

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You take Pancho's out of your whore mouth.  Lest we forget:

Quote

A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...

I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit. I went to the normal stall.

In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass. was reaching Biblical proportions.

I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones a.s.s. toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of sh.it at the exact same second that ones a.s.s. is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the shit stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.

In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your a.s.s. . It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted.

 

At that very split second, my a.s.s. exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my a.s.s.. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down.

Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the sh.it wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, like what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles.

In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.

In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.

And there was no friggin' toilet paper.

What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had shitted just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.

Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.

 

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Man, in high school I could knock out a pizza buffet. We still have a local one that the kids want to go to on occasion. I think’s that mainly for the dessert pizza they put on it though.

What about the buffets where they cook it after you pick it out like Genghis Grill? Wash your hands and the cooking kills everything? The concept never made sense to me. Let’s put a load of raw meat out here and you just scoop whatever you want into this bowl. Don’t worry about salmonella or any other stuff you many get on you.

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3 hours ago, Brew said:

Man, in high school I could knock out a pizza buffet.

Me too -- middle school to high school, I was a calorie-burning machine, and hit the regularly.  Also, in 8th grade, I rode my bike all over Houston for recreation, riding with my buddies, etc.  Some days, we'd ride well over 50 miles.  I remember one afternoon, we stopped at the Pizza Inn on Gessner for lunch on a hot summer day.  We each ate -- no exaggeration -- 40+ pieces of pizza.  We only quit eating because we got bored.  Then we hopped back on to our bikes and kept on riding around Houston in the summer heat.

That would kill me today.  Both eating that much food, and getting on a bike after eating that much.

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Pizza Inn had a great buffet.  I was hunting around Snyder Texas in 2008.  We had done a long work day filling feeders and went to town to hit the beer barn.  There was a pizza inn across the street.  We crushed that bastard.  Love their thin crust pepperoni and thin crust hamburger.  

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4 hours ago, Brew said:

Man, in high school I could knock out a pizza buffet. We still have a local one that the kids want to go to on occasion. I think’s that mainly for the dessert pizza they put on it though.

What about the buffets where they cook it after you pick it out like Genghis Grill? Wash your hands and the cooking kills everything? The concept never made sense to me. Let’s put a load of raw meat out here and you just scoop whatever you want into this bowl. Don’t worry about salmonella or any other stuff you many get on you.

My parents fucking love those.  I don't particularly like the concept of my food mixing with some stranger's food.  

And yeah, 15 years ago, we'd knock the fuck out of CiCis. Poor high school kids, easily could clear 20 slices of pizza. 

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23 hours ago, Sbbruin said:

Interesting article in the WaPo.  

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/voraciously/wp/2020/07/13/welcome-to-the-new-buffet-which-isnt-a-buffet-anymore/?utm_campaign=wp_post_most&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&wpisrc=nl_most

I am not a Hometown Buffet/Golden Corral fatty, but I have always enjoyed salad bars (even the Sizzler salad bar is good shit to me) and the occasional Vegas buffet.  And buffet brunches are my jam, and I will go full fatty on those.  But I can't imagine we'll be seeing those anytime soon.  Might they be gone forever?  

i thought they were all toast myself, but drove through katy the other day and passed one of those large chinese buffet places and the parking lot was packed.  people are stupid.  like seeing those pictures of the beaches where everyone is elbow to elbow.  that grim reaper lifeguard guy needs to be patrolling these buffets too.

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16 minutes ago, SimonBolivar said:

They should be fine. You aren't touching the food yourself.

ginormous salad bar buffet excluded.  of course, most people do that thing wrong anyway.  and by doing wrong, i mean, getting nearly anything other than smoked salmon and cheese.  everything else is cheap filler.  i'd skip it entirely if i didn't love me some smoked salmon. 

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i pretty much had stop going to buffets because every time i did it just turned into personal challenge to 'get my money's worth' .  The mediterranian places like DiMassi's and Affrah's were money.  But I was not above going to the 'Corall every now and then.  The lettuce at the salad bar was always untouched so it had to be safe.

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16 minutes ago, South Austin said:

We crushed buffet palace when I was in undergrad in the mid 90s, but I'm not sure I've been back to an Asian buffet in the 21st century. 

The best chinese buffets in the world are in small Texas towns -- think places like Brady and whatnot.  It's like a time machine back to 1985 or so.  Sweet and sour chicken, some fried rice, some sort of tough beef with broccoli, egg rolls, and fried canned biscuits.  They are magical.  That said, I don't think I've hit one of those in a decade or better.

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18 minutes ago, Underdog said:

I always thought some of the best wings I ever got were from Asian buffets.  I'll pour out some saki if they go sayonara.  

Brought back another memory: a crappy asian restaurant in Wharton, near where my buddy had a goose hunting camp.  We stopped in one day because they had wings for 10 cents each.  We bought 100 for $10.  Bought some bulliard's hot sauce and some butter, made chinese buffalo wings to eat at goose camp.  That was a good night.

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Some of the Vegas buffets are good.  But the Golden Corral types are shit.  I am just not a buffet type of guy.  If my 14 year old son knew about chinese buffets he would eat his weight in food.  He will eventually learn about that kind of regret.

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8 minutes ago, Moby Ric said:

Some of the Vegas buffets are good.  But the Golden Corral types are shit.  I am just not a buffet type of guy.  If my 14 year old son knew about chinese buffets he would eat his weight in food.  He will eventually learn about that kind of regret.

I hate buffets.

I'm a big bruncher with friends.  My dad is always like "oh, brunch buffet?" 

No.

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9 minutes ago, Moby Ric said:

ea1cc6a6-8072-4533-ba0b-6ce2be4ff9c2_tex

brunch buffets are fucking incredible, dude.  have you ever been to moonshine?  jack allen’s?  four seasons?  a healthy bong rip before destroying a quality brunch buffet is one of the most satisfying experiences in life outside of sex. 

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Just now, futureman said:

brunch buffets are fucking incredible, dude.  have you ever been to moonshine?  jack allen’s?  four seasons?  a healthy bong rip before destroying a quality brunch buffet is one of the most satisfying experiences in life outside of sex. 

Hi Js1's dad.

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9 minutes ago, futureman said:

brunch buffets are fucking incredible, dude.  have you ever been to moonshine?  jack allen’s?  four seasons?  a healthy bong rip before destroying a quality brunch buffet is one of the most satisfying experiences in life outside of sex. 

You won't eat a hamburger without mayo.

Your opinion is worthless. 

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