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Shit My Kid Says


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47 minutes ago, Hook1997 said:

@Prepuce of Doom  Doomlet will be a surly legend before he ever makes his first post.  I say by twelve he will be ready his own account lol.   

Yeah, somewhere between 10 and 14 is my current estimate. 

But I can't even imagine the new heights of foolishness that our household will endure as a result. 

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2 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Yeah, somewhere between 10 and 14 is my current estimate. 

But I can't even imagine the new heights of foolishness that our household will endure as a result. 

I'm thinking if the Earf survives long enough, Doomlet will take the Supreme 2nd in Command Mod role from @immamac .

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23 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

This almost certainly has to be parroted from elsewhere (though I can't find any reference online), but I was just informed that, "when an employee and an employer love each other, a new job is born." 

Not if the "job' blows.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Oldest kiddo has two friends over right now. I’ve been in the yard and just showered and ready to watch some college football. They were watching a movie. I come upstairs and say “some girls keep driving by on a side by side, who is it?” They left in 10 seconds.

And no, no girls drove by. Dad 1, Oldest kid 0.

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On 6/28/2021 at 5:25 PM, Laxtonto said:

We are in Ohio now, so he has never had the joy of visiting a Mexican grocer

Aren't you in Toledo? There are some in Toledo. Pretty sure the La Perla tortillas, I bought when we lived in Columbus, bakery is in Toledo.

Edited by ShaggyBevo RIP
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On 7/20/2021 at 8:11 AM, Snacks said:

Last week, I was teaching little bro (who turned 13 yesterday) how to play holdem with a few of my buddies at a house we rented on the Guadalupe...

Lil Bro: "I'm going to win."

Buddy1: "Do you even know how to play poker?"

Lol Bro: "Nope. Doesnt matter. When I want something or I'm going to do something, I say it and it happens. It shows up. That's how it works at our house."

Buddy2: "I need to spend more time at your house."

Night proceeds, Lil Bro starts getting hands blind, taking people out (took me out) and ends up with the largest chip stack when everyone decides to call it quits.

"I told y'all. That's how it works."

The next day he said he was going to be wealthy, so he'd buy me any car I want... and a beach.

I believe.

 

So... Last night, Little Bro scores his first TD in a tackle football game (8th Grade) on his 2nd carry ever. He's a backup RB to a kid that already has several private school tuition offers and (rumored) a college offer. His 1st carry was 11 yards on 3rd and 10. Next play was 30 yard TD as the game clock expired...

When we get home, I pull out one of those Middle School Football Yard signs that I bought to support the team...

"Hey, sign this sign so I can put it in the yard."

He signs...

"Hold on to that. You're going to be able to sell it for about $2MM one day."

"If I can sell it for $2MM, that means you're worth about a billion..."

"Yep."

"But you already told me you'd buy me any car you want... and a beach.  I'm not selling this sign."

"You right."

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Driving kids to school the other day and “Song of the South” comes on the radio and 5 year old son starts in on it. “Song, song of the south, sweet potato fries and I shut my mouth” at the top of his lungs. His eght year old sister looks at me and serious as a heart attack says “did they even have sweet potato fries when this song was made?”


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On 10/19/2021 at 7:13 PM, Hmbre97 said:

10 yr old walking to laundry room holding a pair of underwear

Me: whatcha got there bud?
Him: my underwear...
Me: having some issues?
Him: I had a foop accident but just a tiny bit
Me: foop?
Him: I farted but then some poop came out too. I call it fooping.
Me: alright, fair enough. Happens to the best of us.

 

I guess I'll stop using the mangled idiom "one swell foop" now.

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me:   good morning honey, are you all ready for school?
4y/o daughter:    yes dada, all ready
me:    that’s great, you look pretty in your dress today 
daughter: (while striking a model pose) yep dada, I’m a preeeeeetty girl! (Then raises her arm and make the 3pt-nothing-but-net hand motion and walks off)
I was hoping for the "fart noise from armpit" business, but this will suffice.

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On 10/19/2021 at 7:13 PM, Hmbre97 said:

10 yr old walking to laundry room holding a pair of underwear

Me: whatcha got there bud?
Him: my underwear...
Me: having some issues?
Him: I had a foop accident but just a tiny bit
Me: foop?
Him: I farted but then some poop came out too. I call it fooping.
Me: alright, fair enough. Happens to the best of us.

 

Send him our way & we’ll get him straight. 

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mat dinner with me, wife and 4yo daughter.

me: well, it was an eventful trip to the apple store. Dee was showing off with the Genius Bar guy and knocked my brand new phone into the ground. Luckily everything was fine

my wife: (while looking at my daughter) oh my, well that sounds like it was very embarrassing.

me: (also while looking at my daughter) it was. I thought my little girl was going to use her manners better…

 

<we all sit looking at each other for about 10 sec>
 

my daughter: Don’t worry momma, I wasn’t embarrassed.

 

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You need to remind him that Krampus will stuff him in a sack and hit him with sticks. 

Sometimes that's the only thing that can rein in the Doomlet when he's on a tear. I wear a Krampus sweater when I'm cold around the house to serve as a constant reminder. We even have a Krampus topper on our Christmas tree. 

 

2_Krampus.jpg

20201220_232928.jpg

20201221_171822.jpg

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
Added sweater and tree topper photos.
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A couple months back I was having a conversation with my daughter, and Philip(Tiny Trouble) butted in trying to get my attention:

Philip: "Dad.  Dad.  Dad.  Dad.  Dad  Dad  Dad  Dad. Dad.  Dad.  Dad.  Dad.  Dad  Dad  Dad  Dad."
Me:  "Just hold on, buddy, Libby is talking to me."
Philip: "Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad! Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!"
Me:  "Just wait, dude, it's not your turn."
Philip:  "DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD! DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD!  DAD!"
Me:  "Okay, what?!  What is so important?"
Philip:  "We should get a shark's head and mount it on the wall!"

I know what he's getting for Christmas now.

Edited by ulukinatme
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