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Shit My Kid Says

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23 hours ago, demos said:

Son (7): Can I have dessert?

Wife: What's dessert? [Meaning what was he getting]

Son: Dessert is what you eat after you finish your dinner.

Wife: tone

Me:

spacer.png

Bonus points if he'd have finished with, "...but that's not important right now. "

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Doomlet (4,m): Mom is going to be a firefighter for Halloween because she has all the right parts. 

Me: What parts are those?

Doomlet: A green shirt and a bucket of hair.

*Mrs. Doom is not dressing as a firefighter, nor has the topic ever come up before. Also, she does not have a bucket of hair. Just a green shirt on... 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

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Took my 7 yo to the TCU game a couple of weekends ago. We sit down amongst the mostly UT fans in our section and he yells out of nowhere, "OU Sucks!"

He got many high fives and I may or may not have shed a tear.

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On 11/4/2019 at 2:50 PM, Whatever said:

Took my 7 yo to the TCU game a couple of weekends ago. We sit down amongst the mostly UT fans in our section and he yells out of nowhere, "OU Sucks!"

He got many high fives and I may or may not have shed a tear.

Needs to go in the shit my genius kid says

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Doomlet (4,m) is under the weather, so Mrs. Doom plopped him in the bath last night to soak up some steam and relax. 

She left the room for a few minutes, and when she came back, Doomlet had a worried look on his face, which led to the following exchange. 

Mrs: What's wrong? 

Doomlet: I'm very concerned about something Guy told me. 

[Note: Guy is his stuffed animal/security blanket item, and as far as we know, lacks the ability to speak.] 

Mrs: Oh yeah, what's that? 

Doomlet: Guy told me that eleven was really twelve. 

 

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3 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet (4,m) is under the weather, so Mrs. Doom plopped him in the bath last night to soak up some steam and relax. 

She left the room for a few minutes, and when she came back, Doomlet had a worried look on his face, which led to the following exchange. 

Mrs: What's wrong? 

Doomlet: I'm very concerned about something Guy told me. 

[Note: Guy is his stuffed animal/security blanket item, and as far as we know, lacks the ability to speak.] 

Mrs: Oh yeah, what's that? 

Doomlet: Guy told me that eleven was really twelve. 

 

He has reason to be worried.  I mean, if 7 ate 9.....

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10yo: "I need to show you something on my iPad"

Me: What is it?

10yo: "It starts with P and ends in Y"

 

Spoiler

It was a puppy you dirty minded fuck.

 

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File under "Awesome shit my kid says":

Roxette tells me today that she joined the BBQ Cooking club @ her HS.

I told her to check with the teacher & we can use my smoker rig for some test runs & come 2020, I'll get them hooked up with a backstage tour for a bunch of teams for the Rodeo Austin cookoff in March.

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19 hours ago, Hmbre97 said:

My 3 yr old walks up with some hot wheels track hanging out the front of his pajamas saying "Look dada, it's my big penis"

How devastated was he when you explained genetics?

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7 hours ago, Clackles said:

How devastated was he when you explained genetics?

He'a walked in on me pissing before so he knows the disappointment he is in for. This may be his way of coping. 

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I was waiting with my kids for the bus this morning.  My 7 year old son was asking when Thanksgiving was and I was explaining that it falls on the 4th Thursday of November every year.  My 11 year old daughter starts telling us that 2020 is going to be awesome because Halloween, Christmas, and New Years all fall on a Friday.  Then she adds "Also, hopefully Trump won't be President anymore".

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I was waiting with my kids for the bus this morning.  My 7 year old son was asking when Thanksgiving was and I was explaining that it falls on the 4th Thursday of November every year.  My 11 year old daughter starts telling us that 2020 is going to be awesome because Halloween, Christmas, and New Years all fall on a Friday.  Then she adds "Also, hopefully Trump won't be President anymore".
Did you tell her she was wrong because:

1) Jan 1, 2020 is a Wednesday.

2) Win or lose - Trump will still be President until January 2021.

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19 hours ago, Stuck in CO said:

I was waiting with my kids for the bus this morning.  My 7 year old son was asking when Thanksgiving was and I was explaining that it falls on the 4th Thursday of November every year.  My 11 year old daughter starts telling us that 2020 is going to be awesome because Halloween, Christmas, and New Years all fall on a Friday.  Then she adds "Also, hopefully Trump won't be President anymore".

User name checks out

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I'm laying on the couch a couple nights ago when my 3yo walks up to me, pulls his pants down and goes "I have a penis!". Yeah buddy, you sure do. Careful.

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Tonight my wife was trying to concentrate while writing a work email. My 3-yr-old daughter was trying to ask her a question. I told her to let Mama think for a minute.

Daughter: "Mama, how come you don't think?"

Me: "Yeah!"

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After my Mom said the family prayer this year she wanted everyone to say what they were thankful for, when it came to my 7 yr old, he said he was thankful for poop.

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10 hours ago, BigDHornfan said:

After my Mom said the family prayer this year she wanted everyone to say what they were thankful for, when it came to my 7 yr old, he said he was thankful for poop.

That's a dark, slippery slope he's headed down. On the other hand, there's a gal waiting for him on Rainey street.

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My wife bought my youngest a Sesame Street DVD about potty training. One segment of the video is kids saying what they call poop and pee. There are about 10-15 of them and somewhere toward the end this kid says “I call it dookie!” We all busted out laughing. I had to back that shit up so I could hear it again. Even now months later one of us will just randomly yell out “I call it dookie!”

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On 12/2/2019 at 8:44 AM, BigDHornfan said:

After my Mom said the family prayer this year she wanted everyone to say what they were thankful for, when it came to my 7 yr old, he said he was thankful for poop.

 

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10 and 9yo boys left the house yesterday afternoon without asking or telling us where they were going and showed up after dark around an hour after we normally have dinner.

I chewed out 9yo first, and the 10yo kept interrupting "I can explain, I can explain why we were late.". 

I get done with the 9yo and turn to the 10yo and say "ok, explain why you were late"

10yo: "Ok,ok, listen, listen, let me explain. It's 9yo's fault!"

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I coach college baseball and my 3 year old son has begun to catch on to things that go on at the ball field. He sees me talk to players when things go wrong, etc. Last night I was throwing him passes with his Nerf football. He dropped about 5 in a row, which is a lot as he usually catches 1-2 out of 3 or so. He came back and said “I need the coach to talk to me” so he walked over to the corner of the room and stood there with his back to me for a minute or two then ran another route and caught the pass. He came running back and flipped me the ball. I asked him what the coach told him and he screamed at the top of his lungs “catch the god damn ball!”

Proud dad moment.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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My wife bought my youngest a Sesame Street DVD about potty training. One segment of the video is kids saying what they call poop and pee. There are about 10-15 of them and somewhere toward the end this kid says “I call it dookie!” We all busted out laughing. I had to back that shit up so I could hear it again. Even now months later one of us will just randomly yell out “I call it dookie!”

Ok I’m adding this to my bag of poop jokes with my 9 year old.

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Watching SNL Christmas and the Steve Martin Christmas wishes come on. This line:

Oh, wait, oh geez! I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay.. revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in Hell!


And my son gleefully exclaims he wants that wish too.

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On 12/2/2019 at 8:53 PM, EE2B said:

My wife bought my youngest a Sesame Street DVD about potty training. One segment of the video is kids saying what they call poop and pee. There are about 10-15 of them and somewhere toward the end this kid says “I call it dookie!” We all busted out laughing. I had to back that shit up so I could hear it again. Even now months later one of us will just randomly yell out “I call it dookie!”

D is for Dookie, that's good enough for me....

sesame street dancing GIF

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My 9 year old daughter came home disappointed she didn’t get lead part of school program. It went to girl whose mom is pta president and always up at school. Same girl got lead last year. Her older brother the same. Basically it’s so obvious even my kids have picked up on it.

My wife explained to them that this mom won’t always be there to make sure they get what they want and it’s gonna be harder for those kids when they get older. She thought she had made a nice point and connected with kids. 

Theres a pause and then my 11 year old son says, “Mom you know you’re really dependable, I think you work well under pressure, it’d be nice that see you up there at school more.”  

She said, No I’m not gonna be PTA President. 

Haha

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At a high school football game with my boys, big fat dude yelling all kinds of dumb things like “don’t go out of bounds” when the guy got tackled out of bounds and “keep going” after someone is tackled. 

my 9yo: “that guy has issues”

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Asked my 4yo daughter what animal she would like to have as a pet next. 
 

She answered by closing her fist slowly with a creepy grin on her face and says “I want the entire world as my pet”. 
 

kinda creeped me out, since it felt like she really meant it...

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1 hour ago, hookemATL said:

Asked my 4yo daughter what animal she would like to have as a pet next. 
 

She answered by closing her fist slowly with a creepy grin on her face and says “I want the entire world as my pet”. 
 

kinda creeped me out, since it felt like she really meant it...

LOL.  My 10yo daughter just presented to us a powerpoint presentation on why she should be allowed to get a pet guinea pig/gerbil/hamster.

slide 1.

Guess who is getting a hamster for christmas.

 

91-FC1732-F876-4589-B578-CB68-AC73657-E.

 

 

Edited by Anastasis

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12 minutes ago, Modessit said:

*you're

yes, I told her that she was never going to surly material if she was fn up the your/you're thing. 

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Years ago, when referencing my wife to the kids I started saying “mother” in my very best Danzig impression.

Today when I picked up our 7 year old and the wife tagged along. Kid walks out of class, sees her and bellows “MOOTTHHEEERR!!!”

I was quite proud.

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Not so much shit my kid says story, but rather shit my kid destroys story:

 

Sunday, wife has a baby shower to go to. Somebody rented out a room at the country club. She takes our daughter because some other attendees' kids with whom my daughter is friends will be there. Apparently kids get bored, so they go outside, end up on the practice putting green, take the little flags out of the putting green holes, and go to town on the putting green grass with the heavy end of the flags. They used the end of the flag to punch holes all over the green, and used the heavy round thing on the bottom of the flag to gouge furrows into the green.

I get a call from wife. I go to country club. Grounds keeper shows me the damage. Pretty fucking bad. Green is really fucked up.

I have no idea how much this will cost me. Five kids total involved, only one was mine. So 1/5 of a shitload is how much?

Mother fucker. Mother. Fucker.

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10 minutes ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

Not so much shit my kid says story, but rather shit my kid destroys story:

 

Sunday, wife has a baby shower to go to. Somebody rented out a room at the country club. She takes our daughter because some other attendees' kids with whom my daughter is friends will be there. Apparently kids get bored, so they go outside, end up on the practice putting green, take the little flags out of the putting green holes, and go to town on the putting green grass with the heavy end of the flags. They used the end of the flag to punch holes all over the green, and used the heavy round thing on the bottom of the flag to gouge furrows into the green.

I get a call from wife. I go to country club. Grounds keeper shows me the damage. Pretty fucking bad. Green is really fucked up.

I have no idea how much this will cost me. Five kids total involved, only one was mine. So 1/5 of a shitload is how much?

Mother fucker. Mother. Fucker.

This sounds like a shitty deal. I'd do the crying face rep if it wasn't neg rep.

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