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Longboard Horn

Shit you have heard in a bar

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6 minutes ago, Longboard Horn said:

“Do you have any non shitty domestics on tap?”

Just now at a bar in Lakewood

Before 2 on a Monday. Noice.

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21 hours ago, Llano Estacado said:

Damn, that’s a lot to breakdown from a St Patty’s conversation.

Old man was talking about his second young wife was letting it flow.  He wasn't the least bit bothered with anything or anyone.   The four tables around went silent for 90 seconds after the Dachau reference.  One of those moments where everyone is eavesdropping not because they want to, but he was loud as fuck and strangers were waiting for the bomb to drop.  It indeed dropped. 

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"Can I get a bud light and double shot of jack?"

"Hey, where you been baby girl?"

"I have REALLY cut back on my drinking"

shoots the jack

"one more, please."

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Yesterday, from our blonde bartender Ashley.

"When does March Madness start?"


Silence for several seconds until my buddy deadpans "ummm...March."

Her: "ok. Thanks!" Goes back to pouring beers.

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On a golf course dude talking to his lady in the golf cart, "Honey, I'm not lying, I just don't remember what the truth is"...

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3 hours ago, Litig8r said:

On a golf course dude talking to his lady in the golf cart, "Honey, I'm not lying, I just don't remember what the truth is"...

Very Dirt Bike.

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I want an IPA, but not a German one. I'm sick of German IPAs. I want something citrus and malty.  

It was the stereotypical dumb blonde girl.

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"Attention all! If you're not on the payroll, you gotta get out! But good news! We'll be open tomorrow so you can come back and give us more money!" 

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Rather heavy girl had a strap break on her sandal. Made a point of letting everyone around her know about it.

Girl at a nearby table exclaims, "It committed suicide. It couldn't take it any longer."

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On 3/20/2019 at 9:25 AM, Incredulity said:

"Can I get a bud light and double shot of jack?"

"Hey, where you been baby girl?"

"I have REALLY cut back on my drinking"

shoots the jack

"one more, please."

Didn't say I was cutting back on that day.

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On 3/22/2019 at 7:54 PM, mycox said:

I want an IPA, but not a German one. I'm sick of German IPAs. I want something citrus and malty.  

It was the stereotypical dumb blonde girl.

That could have been my wife . . .

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Drunk Customer:  "Amy (the bartender) hasn't had a finger or a weiner stuck in her in years"

Amy (never turns around):  "You're don't know shit.  I have to go to the doctor occasionally"

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Dive bar overheard conversations: I have three kids, but they were all by c-section, so my p---y is still real tight.

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2 minutes ago, Llano Estacado said:

I like that a MD self-censured pussy on a surly thread.

Bad pussy?

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Was a bartender while attending UT Austin in the mid-90s. Mark Henry (power lifter, wrestler) used to drop by on hip hop night. Massive person IRL but a pretty chill dude. 

One night a scrawny proto-hipster kept bumping/dancing into Mark right in front of the bar taps. After 15 minutes of agitation Mark shouts   “you bump me one more time and I’ll tear your fucking head off!” 

The music stopped.  Everything stopped. People were checking to see if they had shit their pants.  That huge angry voice was devastating.  

Mr. scrawny most likely shit himself... left immediately holding his ass. 

Ahhh, hip hop night. Good times. 

Also, don’t mess around with super humans. 

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On 4/26/2019 at 5:34 PM, NAVY said:

Was a bartender while attending UT Austin in the mid-90s. Mark Henry (power lifter, wrestler) used to drop by on hip hop night. Massive person IRL but a pretty chill dude. 

One night a scrawny proto-hipster kept bumping/dancing into Mark right in front of the bar taps. After 15 minutes of agitation Mark shouts   “you bump me one more time and I’ll tear your fucking head off!” 

The music stopped.  Everything stopped. People were checking to see if they had shit their pants.  That huge angry voice was devastating.  

Mr. scrawny most likely shit himself... left immediately holding his ass. 

Ahhh, hip hop night. Good times. 

Also, don’t mess around with super humans. 

Just reenacting that scene in my head scared the shit out of me.  I can't imagine someone of that size saying something like that to me

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My friend tells me that we got into an elevator in Jester with Aaron Humphrey late one night. I may have been overserved, so I don’t remember. Apparently, I started talking shit for some dumb reason. Later my friend told me that he considered punching me to spare me from certain death had Aaron decided to do so himself.

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Last night in downtown Dallas I heard a bartender tell a drunk customer:

“Shut Up Shirley!! No one wants to hear about your dead dog for the 40th fucking time you old Cunt!!”

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Granola chick to her granola chick friend in a bar in Santa Barbara the other day: “Yea, were on our 5th Subaru”

Mrs. tbone to me: “Things you’ll never hear me say for $1,000 Alex”

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10 hours ago, tbone_ said:

Granola chick to her granola chick friend in a bar in Santa Barbara the other day: “Yea, were on our 5th Subaru”

Mrs. tbone to me: “Things you’ll never hear me say for $1,000 Alex”

Whoopty-doo. 

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Around 11 AM at a tequila bar in Kaui...an old battle axe to another employee “Is it just me or does it smell like kitty litter in here?”...jalapeño margarita with mezcal floater was delicious and I immediately thought of this thread

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On 4/26/2019 at 2:04 AM, HookMD said:

Dive bar overheard conversations: I have three kids, but they were all by c-section, so my p---y is still real tight.

Damn, got nervous for a second.  Only 1 from c-section so sounds like its not her

On 4/29/2019 at 10:07 AM, luke duke said:

My friend tells me that we got into an elevator in Jester with Aaron Humphrey late one night. I may have been overserved, so I don’t remember. Apparently, I started talking shit for some dumb reason. Later my friend told me that he considered punching me to spare me from certain death had Aaron decided to do so himself.

"YOU DON'T MOW ANOTHER MANS LAWN"

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7 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

Just now, drunk chick to her friend: “I usually don’t eat ass but I’ll eat his!”

Check Please! 

How you doin?

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8 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

Just now, drunk chick to her friend: “I usually don’t eat ass but I’ll eat his!”

spacer.png

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On 10/31/2019 at 1:22 AM, Longboard Horn said:

Just now, drunk chick to her friend: “I usually don’t eat ass but I’ll eat his!”

8P67Jei.jpg

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