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Lame joke thread


honolulu horn

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4 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

So, I was buying new queens for my bee hives, and I ordered 12 of them. If you've never worked with bees before, they come in these little matchbox sized cages, with a sugar capped plug at one end, so that by the time the worker bees eat through it (originally with the purpose of killing her, because she's not "their" queen) she has been able to douse them with enough pheromones that they become her servants.

image.jpeg.a9534be22fd372e1d77032ab6c82888f.jpeg

 

The guy hands me a carton with thirteen of these queen cages in it.

I say, "Hey, I only ordered 12." He says, "That other one is a free bee."

I suppose you'd call it a beekeeper's dozen. 

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My dad is a beekeeper.  To my knowledge, he hasn't gotten a free bee.  I've helped him corral some swarms.  It's definitely cool as shit. 

He's lifted the cover off a hive in the hot summer and the bees were madder than fuck, trying their best to sting you.  With a swarming hive, you don't even need a suit.

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Psychiatrist:  "Tell me what you see in these images. What's this first one?"

Patient: "That's you, fucking my girlfriend."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient: "That's you, fucking my mother and my aunt."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient:  "That's you, stabbing my best friend."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient:  "Aren't these usually supposed to be ink blots?"

 

Edited by Walden Ponderer
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On 12/9/2019 at 10:03 AM, Walden Ponderer said:

Psychiatrist:  "Tell me what you see in these images. What's this first one?"

Patient: "That's you, fucking my girlfriend."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient: "That's you, fucking my mother and my aunt."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient:  "That's you, stabbing my best friend."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient:  "Aren't these usually supposed to be ink blots?"

 

The older version starts with a psychiatrist showing inkblots to a patient:

Psychiatrist: "What do you see in this inkblot?"

Patient: "Two people fucking."

Psychiatrist: "And in the next one?"

Patient: "Two more people fucking."

Psychiatrist: "And in the third one?"

Patient: "Another couple fucking."

Psychiatrist: "Why do you see people having sex in every inkblot you see?"

Patient: "You're the one showing me the dirty pictures."

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The family was playing games over the holidays, and we chose one of those where people write down responses to questions, the answers are read aloud, and you get points when people pick your answer. The idea is to come up with the funniest or most clever response so people will pick it. One question was, "What is something a flight attendant never wants to hear?" People wrote down various puns and double entendre responses. Our 4 year old niece's answer was "You're stupid."  Still makes me laugh.

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On January 12, 2020 at 4:16 PM, honolulu horn said:

The family was playing games over the holidays, and we chose one of those where people write down responses to questions, the answers are read aloud, and you get points when people pick your answer. The idea is to come up with the funniest or most clever response so people will pick it. One question was, "What is something a flight attendant never wants to hear?" People wrote down various puns and double entendre responses. Our 4 year old niece's answer was "You're stupid."  Still makes me laugh.

Your mother is so ugly, it affects her self esteem.

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The economic impact of the Wuhan Virus, has hit everybody really hard:

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills and La Jolla fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds etc… I called the Suicide Hotline. I reached the call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, the guy got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck!
 

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Are my testicles black?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet"

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other She looks very closely and says, 'Theres nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely

"Are . my-test - results - back?

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A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was

masturbating furiously.

 

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman.

"That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?”

 

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained. "I'm very sorry

that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition

where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at

least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could

easily rupture.”

 

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed

while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

 

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?”

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan

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