I have to share with people who will understand how much this means to me, because my folks are dead now and I don't have other family. I first attended Texas as a freshman in 2005, and it was a dream come true. Texas was the only school I applied to, the only school I wanted to go to. Most of college was straight forward for me, I didn't have much trouble passing classes. I originally started in one major which required two foreign language courses, which I decided to knock out in my early days. I have no fucking idea why, but I took Japanese as my foreign language, and it wound up being easily the hardest course I took. I barely passed JPN 1 and JPN 2 with Cs, my worst grades. Everything was going fine.
Midway through college, I switched majors. This set me back, and I required a victory lap to complete my major requirements. I was sitting at 166 hours at this point, and thought I was ready to graduate that december, when I found out the major I switched to had a different foreign language requirement. Rather than 2 semesters of a foreign language, it required 3. At this point, I hadn't taken any japanese courses in 4 years, so I had completely forgotten everything. I essentially could not pass JPN3 if I tried, so I spoke with my councilor. She suggested I take JPN 1, 2, and 3 rapid fire at a community college. I could take JPN 1 during the next semester, then take JPN 2 and 3 during the minimester over the summer. Fair enough, not a big problem. I decided to enroll at HCC to take them while I worked an internship trying to pay off my student debt.
Turns out HCC had a professor which made JPN a blow-off course. She didn't really teach. If you showed up, you got an A no matter what. I was elated, it meant my degree was basically on autopilot. Breezed through JPN1 and took JPN2 the first minimester of summer. However, after that minimester, she retired without giving us warning. A new professor came in, and she taught JPN like it was a real course. The two extra JPN refresher courses I took were worthless, I was going to have to start all over again, and I pretty much had no money.
I reached out to my councilor at Texas, knowing they can pull strings and essentially do whatever they want. I figured she would help me out, but nope. She told me I was shit out of luck, basically, and that my degree would be waiting for me when I eventually passed JPN3. I was crushed. At this point, I couldn't afford more classes and decided to just work. My internship turned into a job and I figured I was set. For a couple of years, it was ok. However, my job suddenly dried up, and I had to look for a job for the first time. Now, I was not afraid to work on my own as I had confidence I could land a job with my skills and interviews. I was so naive. Were I ever able to actually get a sit down interview, I could have probably swayed someone, but I didn't realize how middlemen hiring agencies will basically gate-wall you off from an interview without your degree.
What followed was 12 years of miserable work and feeling completely worthless. My degree at Texas felt like it kept slipping farther and farther away. I felt like I had blown my one and only chance, and with the way the world is turning being without a degree would be a lifelong handicap. I can't express the personal disappointment I felt in myself. I would have reoccurring nightmares, like every few days without fail. It was always the same theme, I'm at school and I've forgotten a class and it's test day and yadda yadda. I know everyone knows the dreams I'm talking about. But they were relentless and so frequent. My nightmares would sour my mood first thing in the morning and depress me. Two things would always happen in the dream: it would be late at night, with the city abandoned. I would be walking in a dreary depressed austin alone, desperately trying to enter the building to take my last exam. The building would always be closed and locked. I would pull on the door as hard as I could and it would never open. I would sometimes wake up crying from this dream.
About a year ago my mom died and it took it poorly. I started seeing a therapist to help me with my extreme depression, and through therapy she explored other aspects of my life. This eventually came up. She encouraged me to reach out to the University and see what I could do about returning as a student. She told me to at least try, even if I couldn't afford it. So I did, I looked up the faculty of my old college and emailed the person I figured was right and told them my sob story. I got radio silence for a few weeks before someone finally emailed me back. They told me I was being assigned a special councilor for my case, essentially an advocate. She was going to help me find a way to get my degree. That all started in January, and we've been back and forth pretty much the whole year. Eventually we arrived at a compromise: I could take a cultural studies in japanese course at any school, even online schools, and it would satisfy my degree requirement with a waiver. Well, as it turns out, I took a blow off art appreciation course on Post-War japan during my time in college. I submitted it in October at the deadline for graduation applications to see if they would accept it. As soon as I submitted it, my status changed to conditional graduation. And thus I've been waiting on pins and needles ever since.
It changed a few days ago. My application for graduation has been approved. I graduate in 2 weeks. Not next saturday, but the saturday after. The relief, the weight off my shoulders has been enormous. Immediately the nightmares vanished, I haven't had that reoccurring dream since. Last night, I had a dream about school again for the first time since having my application approved. This time it wasn't a dark depressing night, nor was I trying to get into a locked door. I was on the field at DKR. It was a bright and sunny day. We were waiting for commencement to begin. I was surrounded by people 20 years my prior but I didn't care. I was talking to some young woman next to me and I was telling her that I was graduating at 40. I was beaming with pride. I woke up in one of the best moods I've had in ages. Sometimes, it'll hit me, and tears will fall. The years spent lacking and wanting my degree have made me appreciate it so much more than I would have back then.
They will let me walk in May. I dreamed of this for so long. I updated my resume a few days ago, and added that I graduated in 2025. Changing my credentials on sites like zip recruiter and indeed to reflect this. Immediately the sorts of job listings I was seeing changed, I'm able to apply now to jobs which I couldn't before. It's a literal dream come true. I love my university so much, and that's why this last 20 years has been so hard. It was a juxtaposition of having honest pride in my school, while acknowledging I had failed in my one goal. I could never tell my friends or family that I hadn't graduated, they all just assumed I had. It was a constant lie I had to tell everyone and myself. Not anymore. That I never had to take another class, that my original body of work from when I attended Texas was actually enough to get me over the goal line... it makes it so much sweeter. I don't look at my past as wasted time, upset at what could have been, but rather I'm looking forward. For the first time since... I can't even remember when, I am honestly more excited for tomorrow than the day before. I can wear my Texas cap again with pride.
I'm so fucking happy. I wish I could bottle this stuff up and share it with everyone. This is the good stuff.