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gasman

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Everything posted by gasman

  1. A lot of your drinking history mimics my own. I didn't drink every day. I didn't typically black out out or puke (although that certainly happened from time to time). I didn't go through withdrawals if I didn't drink for a few days. However, whenever I did drink, I struggled with the off button. I always had at least one more than I intended at the beginning. I had a lot of mornings that I regretted the previous days events and formulated a million different ways to either quit on my own or at least successfully moderate my drinking the next time around. Most of the time, I ended up right back where I was before hating myself in the morning and wondering how I could end up in the exact same place again. I didn't drink every day/all day. I still had a job, a family and I didn't fit in my mind what I thought an "alcoholic" was. The alcoholics thread at the old site was my way of dipping my toe into eventually accepting my powerlessness over alcohol. My problem wasn't the last drink of the night, it was having the first one. I ended up downloading a copy of the AA Big Book and found that I could relate to a lot of the stuff in there. Not everything, but there were more similarities than differences. That was a huge wake up call for me personally. You don't need to be religious. You don't need to commit to anything. Being open to the idea that you may have a problem is a good start. If you are able to get things under control, that's great. If not, you have a great space here full of useful experience.
  2. I have pages of journal entries that have this exact same theme. The details are different, but the underlying emotion is exactly the same. It was right as I was hitting my bottom in 2017. I totally get it ztejas, but when I read those pages of rationalization now, they just sound so freaking exhausting. Trying to control, enjoy and hide my drinking consumed so much of my day. For me, sobriety ended up being the easier softer way. Like others, I won’t try and give you any advice, but there is a much better option available to you if you want it. I know that you “know” that, but it could be time to take some honest action and actually experience it.
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