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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


Spur08

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14 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

So I was planning to stay home today to catch up on some reading. Once the temperatures got into the 80s, I decided to do that in the hammock outside. So I go to the garage, grab the hammock, and start to open the gate, but then I noticed that there's a lock on it.

I call the wife at work and ask about the lock. "Oh, I meant to tell you about that," she said.

" maybe you could tell me the combination, so I don't have to hop the fence to get in the yard?" I said.

I'm just going to stop right there, because y'all know how this ends, don't you?

Truth is, she never spun the dial and closed the lock, so you could've just taken it off anyway.

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   Daughter is 10 and headed to middle school next year. We said we were going to hold out til 11 for a phone. So we are talking about it.

Wife- We are going to have to get her a phone pretty soon.

Me- Yep

Wife- I am not going to have an old phone while she has a new one. That's two phones. That's going to get pretty expensive.

Me- You know, you could buy yourself a new phone, and then give her your old phone since she has been using it and knows it forward and backwards already. ''

Wife reaction-

 

tenor.gif?itemid=4171973

Edited by Thatguy
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   Daughter is 10 and headed to middle school next year. We said we were going to hold out til 11 for a phone. So we are talking about it.

Wife- We are going to have to get her a phone pretty soon.

Me- Yep

Wife- I am not going to have an old phone while she has a new one. That's two phones. That's going to get pretty expensive.

Me- You know, you could buy yourself a new phone, and then give her your old phone since she has been using it and knows it forward and backwards already. ''

Wife reaction-

 

tenor.gif?itemid=4171973

Your wife has small boobs

 

Would tho

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DEAR ABBY: I feel petty complaining about this, but my wife has a habit I can’t stand. We keep a stick of butter on a butter dish and replace it when it’s used up. However, when my wife uses it, instead of cutting off thin slices, she scrapes her knife across the entire top of the butter cube, gradually whittling it down. Not only do I find it unsightly, but I also think it’s unsanitary.

Needless to say, when I’ve mentioned it to her, she has strongly disagreed. I’m reluctant to bring it up anymore as it is settled, in her mind.

 
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I have tried using a different stick of butter, which I keep in the refrigerator and unwrap every time I want to use it, but she criticizes me for it, saying we shouldn’t have two sticks in use at the same time.

I suppose there’s an upside: I’m using less butter, which my doctor approves of. What do you think about this habit of hers? — BUTTER WARS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BUTTER WARS: It seems there is a power struggle going on between your wife and you. Because you have expressed to her more than once that you find what she’s doing unappetizing, she should respect your wishes. However, if she continues, she should look the other way when you use your own butter stick.

DEAR BUTTER WARS: Cut that stupid bitch loose.

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She British. This is what they do. He hates furners.

That said having butter sit out so it can be spread is fucking awesome. (Another British/Euro thing) Butter in the fridge is for the ignant.

DEAR ABBY: I feel petty complaining about this, but my wife has a habit I can’t stand. We keep a stick of butter on a butter dish and replace it when it’s used up. However, when my wife uses it, instead of cutting off thin slices, she scrapes her knife across the entire top of the butter cube, gradually whittling it down. Not only do I find it unsightly, but I also think it’s unsanitary.

Needless to say, when I’ve mentioned it to her, she has strongly disagreed. I’m reluctant to bring it up anymore as it is settled, in her mind.

  ADVERTISING

I have tried using a different stick of butter, which I keep in the refrigerator and unwrap every time I want to use it, but she criticizes me for it, saying we shouldn’t have two sticks in use at the same time.

I suppose there’s an upside: I’m using less butter, which my doctor approves of. What do you think about this habit of hers? — BUTTER WARS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BUTTER WARS: It seems there is a power struggle going on between your wife and you. Because you have expressed to her more than once that you find what she’s doing unappetizing, she should respect your wishes. However, if she continues, she should look the other way when you use your own butter stick.

DEAR BUTTER WARS: Cut that stupid bitch loose.
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Phone for kid talk not going away. Guess I'll play too.

I got my daughter a starter model in middle school. She was a latchkey kid and I had to know that I could reach her if needed. I told her if she took care of it there would be upgrades available. 

She takes better care of her phone than I do mine. She now has a better one than I do. 

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So.. the fat free sauce made me chuckle.
I have to fall on my sword though.
I grabbed some refried beans at the store.
I got home and was unpacking. Somehow, I managed to grab fat free refried beans.
That had to be a woman's idea.
Now I got a can I will never eat and don't want to throw in the trash because of waste.

Dude. Add the fat. Put some bacon grease in the pan, add beans, winning.
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34 minutes ago, BurntEyes said:

So.. the fat free sauce made me chuckle.

I have to fall on my sword though.

I grabbed some refried beans at the store.

I got home and was unpacking. Somehow, I managed to grab fat free refried beans.

That had to be a woman's idea.

Now I got a can I will never eat and don't want to throw in the trash because of waste.

Fry it up in a bunch of bacon fat. It's awesome. 

Edit: Oh, I see Brisket already covered that. 

Edited by WhatTheBuck
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Talking with the wife about my daughter and how much it would cost for something. Wife says, "We will make it work. Money is no option!". 

She corrected herself pretty quickly but the damage was done. I got to tease her about it for the rest of the day, "Can't go shopping, money is not an option. Sorry."

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I drop our kids off at school 99% of the time as it's right on my way to work- 

Mrs. Hoffa routinely tells me I shouldn't yell at them to get ready in the morning. (I don't really yell just use a stern vocal tone) 

Mrs. Hoffa was taking them to school this morning-

-"WE NEED TO LEAVE IN 10 MINUTES!"

-"HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH?"

-"PUT YOUR DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER WE NEED TO  GET GOING"

-"WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP!!"

 

Me to Mrs. Hoffa- Why are you yelling?

Mrs. Hoffa-

268.gif

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3 minutes ago, JimmyHoffa said:

I drop our kids off at school 99% of the time as it's right on my way to work- 

Mrs. Hoffa routinely tells me I shouldn't yell at them to get ready in the morning. (I don't really yell just use a stern vocal tone) 

Mrs. Hoffa was taking them to school this morning-

-"WE NEED TO LEAVE IN 10 MINUTES!"

-"HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH?"

-"PUT YOUR DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER WE NEED TO  GET GOING"

-"WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP!!"

 

Me to Mrs. Hoffa- Why are you yelling?

Mrs. Hoffa-

268.gif

you're going to be fucking your fist for a while.

 

 

 

 

 

nevermind, married.  carry on.

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So.. the fat free sauce made me chuckle.
I have to fall on my sword though.
I grabbed some refried beans at the store.
I got home and was unpacking. Somehow, I managed to grab fat free refried beans.
That had to be a woman's idea.
Now I got a can I will never eat and don't want to throw in the trash because of waste.
Feed to dog, prepare for epic dog farts.
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15 hours ago, BurntEyes said:

So.. the fat free sauce made me chuckle.

I have to fall on my sword though.

I grabbed some refried beans at the store.

I got home and was unpacking. Somehow, I managed to grab fat free refried beans.

That had to be a woman's idea.

Now I got a can I will never eat and don't want to throw in the trash because of waste.

Donate it to a food bank.  Oh, I'm sorry, are serious responses not allowed on this thread?

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I drop our kids off at school 99% of the time as it's right on my way to work- 
Mrs. Hoffa routinely tells me I shouldn't yell at them to get ready in the morning. (I don't really yell just use a stern vocal tone) 
Mrs. Hoffa was taking them to school this morning-
-"WE NEED TO LEAVE IN 10 MINUTES!"
-"HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH?"
-"PUT YOUR DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER WE NEED TO  GET GOING"
-"WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP!!"
 
Me to Mrs. Hoffa- Why are you yelling?
Mrs. Hoffa-
268.gif


If you wife looks like that, I would let her yell as much as she wants if I were you.
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2 hours ago, JimmyHoffa said:

I drop our kids off at school 99% of the time as it's right on my way to work- 

Mrs. Hoffa routinely tells me I shouldn't yell at them to get ready in the morning. (I don't really yell just use a stern vocal tone) 

Mrs. Hoffa was taking them to school this morning-

-"WE NEED TO LEAVE IN 10 MINUTES!"

-"HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH?"

-"PUT YOUR DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER WE NEED TO  GET GOING"

-"WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP!!"

 

Me to Mrs. Hoffa- Why are you yelling?

Mrs. Hoffa-

268.gif

would have been even better if your school was out for President's Day today 

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