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Halloween bullshit


Prepuce of Doom

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Lulz at the Nextdoor and neighborhood FB group posts about leaving candy out and only taking one piece.   This is how I would expect every Ring video encounter with that bowl.
 
 
 
 

 

Edited by davidg
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On 10/22/2020 at 11:25 PM, High Plains Drifter said:

 

shit can new years? what the hell is wrong with you? The stress of christmas and family drama is over. We are back home from the yearly 1,000 mile roadtrip to see mine and wife's families.

We have friends visit, most years its more than 20, many who we don't see but once a year. Women folk cook black eyed peas and tamales inside all day on new year's eve, I fire up the grill and cook fajitas. Everyone eats and drinks too much. I build a big ass fire in the fire pit in the back yard and light it after dark. Kids run wild. Dogs go crazy.

Some friends will crash at our place in the guest room, or on a sofa or even the floor, some share a short term rental a mile down the road, a couple or so who can deal with the cold will throw up a tent and camp, a precious few (less every year) just stay up all night sipping bourbon, smoking and reminiscing and bullshitting and bitching about getting old while tending the fire. 

Next day everyone eats again, nurses hangovers. The men watch football in one room, the women play board games in another, and the kids watch TV upstairs. During halftime or whenever we feel like it, we go outside and hit golf balls into the pasture.

 

 

 

Is this heaven?

 

No, it's Iowa

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Noice.  Reminds me of my oldest the day after Halloween.  I watched her eat 9 of those dum-dum lollipops over the course of a couple hours because she wanted to see which flavor was her favorite.  My wife was furious I'd let her do that, but I was really impressed and she kept a log of each flavor and if she liked it or not.  Only one she didn't like was root beer and the cotton candy one is her favorite.  She's also had very irregular bowel movements since then.  But science, dammit!  

And I'm enjoying sneaking one or two each day myself.  It was actually a really fun Halloween overall.  My street usually blows it out but it was tame, most people were safe, and got to just enjoy the kids enjoying the evening instead of dealing with all the other shit we usually do in the 'hood (no swinging).  Weather was gorgeous.  But the memories are already fading as we enter America's real nightmare-a contested 2020 election.  See you in my nightmares! 

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1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

F3C26839-2A6B-48C1-842B-9E568D2836E0.jpeg

Our family lived on a farm when I was a kid, thus we used my grandmother's house in town as trick-or-treating headquarters.  This was about 35 years ago, and I remember some urban legend about someone putting razor blades in apples and giving them out at Halloween (probably started by a parent, for reasons explained later).  My dad, a normally very stoic German Lutheran, sat us down and explained to each of us that he would be going through our candy and checking it for our safety.  We'd all arrive back at Grandma's at various times, and empty our loot on the kitchen table for inspection.  Jolly Ranchers, candy corn, candy pumpkins, Skittles, and those horrid orange-wrapped and black-wrapped candies were always safe to eat.  Snickers, Reese's, Twix, Kit Kat, and m&ms somehow always ended up in the confiscated pile, which we were told would be thrown away for our safety.  Thanks, Dad, for always looking out for us.

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23 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Our family lived on a farm when I was a kid, thus we used my grandmother's house in town as trick-or-treating headquarters.  This was about 35 years ago, and I remember some urban legend about someone putting razor blades in apples and giving them out at Halloween (probably started by a parent, for reasons explained later).  My dad, a normally very stoic German Lutheran, sat us down and explained to each of us that he would be going through our candy and checking it for our safety.  We'd all arrive back at Grandma's at various times, and empty our loot on the kitchen table for inspection.  Jolly Ranchers, candy corn, candy pumpkins, Skittles, and those horrid orange-wrapped and black-wrapped candies were always safe to eat.  Snickers, Reese's, Twix, Kit Kat, and m&ms somehow always ended up in the confiscated pile, which we were told would be thrown away for our safety.  Thanks, Dad, for always looking out for us.

that's called the Dad Tax in my home. I won't take all the good candy, but there will be a percentage paid.

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6 hours ago, Lone Star Horn said:

that's called the Dad Tax in my home. I won't take all the good candy, but there will be a percentage paid.

Said it before- That's "tribute" at my house, because my wife won't let me introduce my daughter to the concept of "the vig".

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Did something with a similar tube as cousin eddie guy, but was at "stupid things wife says/does" insisting.  Far less cool than the guy with the trailer and the outfit.

 

Was a cluster, anyway.  Kids shoving their hands in it all the time and likely infected one another 20x over.  Not that I care or was worried about it, but wife, to her credit, said 'parents might appreciate it.'

 

One kid said "hey, she got two!!!"  I said "I gave everybody two.  Did you actually watch how many went in your bag?!"  "Oh, no."  Felt like retiring for the evening at that point and the Larry David video summed it up for me.

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Decomposition update. 

Mrs. Doom is making noises about having to get rid of our pumpkins today. 

The unremarkable ones originating in this plane of existence are quite rotten, but mine, which comes from an ugly, evil dimension, is progressing at a different rate. 

When the time comes, instead of putting it into our dumpster (likely on Tuesday evening, as our garbage collection is on Wednesdays), I plan to hide mine off in the corner of the backyard near the storm drain where I have convinced the Doomlet that a clown resides. 

 

20201108_132056.jpg

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I would face it towards those back neighbors across the alley so one night when they're going to sleep...they glance out and the window and think, "What the fuck is that?"  And then the next night, set it out in the alley proper.  And on the third night, have it all the way up on their fenceline with a note attached to the top of the pumpkin with a rusty nail that simply reads, "Each time you touch yourself at night, we see you and it gives us legs with which to catch you."  But write it in Latin.  And in blood.  And have maggots crawling around the pumpkin.  Also, when your neighbor sees it, be sure to be standing alone in your backyard facing sideways bobbing your head and one knee back and forth to some non-existent music beat.  And be crying, and slightly drunk.  And then about a week later, send them a nice pumpkin pie with another note in regular ink pen and paper but in the same font that says, "Happy Thanksgiving (it told me to send you this)."  

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5 hours ago, Lobo said:

I would face it towards those back neighbors across the alley so one night when they're going to sleep...they glance out and the window and think, "What the fuck is that?"  And then the next night, set it out in the alley proper.  And on the third night, have it all the way up on their fenceline with a note attached to the top of the pumpkin with a rusty nail that simply reads, "Each time you touch yourself at night, we see you and it gives us legs with which to catch you."  But write it in Latin.  And in blood.  And have maggots crawling around the pumpkin.  Also, when your neighbor sees it, be sure to be standing alone in your backyard facing sideways bobbing your head and one knee back and forth to some non-existent music beat.  And be crying, and slightly drunk.  And then about a week later, send them a nice pumpkin pie with another note in regular ink pen and paper but in the same font that says, "Happy Thanksgiving (it told me to send you this)."  

yes

 

all of this

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My five-year-old son has noticed it now, and he's upset by the possibility (which I am fully advocating) that the pumpkin escaped from our dumpster and has moved on its own. 

I suspect that at his first opportunity, he's going to attempt to move and/or destroy it, but it's too heavy for him to get very far with it, and it's definitely stronger than anything he can dish out, at least without using a tool or weapon. 

Also, the current location is mostly visible from the street, so hopefully it continues to provide a sense of unease to all passersby, even though it's no longer on the front porch... 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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So the boy and the wife conspired to dispose of the demon gourd today, but I rescued it from our dumpster and replaced it on its throne of despair. 

That said, this may well be the final photographic documentation, as this controversy has taken on the gravity and entrenched attitudes of something akin to the battle of the Leg Lamp from A Christmas Story. 

I have suggested to the Doomlet that the pumpkin is a minion of Krampus, so for now he's a little apprehensive about fucking with it, but he will likely become more emboldened now that he's got a firm ally. I overhead Mrs. Doom telling him not to worry about it today and that it's just another week, so I may need to hide it in my garage on Monday nights and then put it back in the yard on Wednesday nights from now on. 

Current status:

 

20201117_161658.jpg

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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that's not broccoli man.  I mean, it is technically the vegetable known as broccoli.  But that ain't what this is.  

I don't want to freak you out since Halloween is over.  But that bundle of broccoli was left there much the same way you see flowers left as a tribute to some tragedy.  Your demon pumpkin's followers are already paying homage to it and leaving bundles of vegetation.  Plus, what did I tell you?  To have your pumpkin tell your neighbors it was growing legs with which to follow them and watch them?  What's it called when you follow and watch somebody?  Stalking?  What are the legs of broccoli called?  The Stalks.  Your cursed pumpkin read this thread and now it's angry and gathering followers.  I told you to use its powers and then make it into pie.  And now you've gone and done it.  I'd sleep with one triangular eye open from now until the Winter Solstice.  

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