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22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them


Prepuce of Doom

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On 5/17/2021 at 5:31 PM, Trey3216 said:

Other than dogs, of course.   Which is why we decided to share our food and our houses with them so they’d stop trying to kill us and they understood the social contract.   

Dogs: "So I can kill you and eat today, or not kill you and you feed me every day?"

"Hey, new best friend!"

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2 hours ago, Nivek said:


It would never see my back. I would be attacking and it would be on the ground whimpering as I strangled it or simply broke its neck. If it jumped at my head it would be like one of those pre-prison Tyson fights on how fast that beast would get ktfo. And I ain’t shit.

You really underestimate how strong you really are.

Uhh huh...  I'd pay per view that battle.

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The lab making a cameo with his tennis ball at :45 in that video was hilarious.

Maybe that’s the only part Nivek saw.

Somebody on here (Slade?) has one of those Cane Corso dogs. Beautiful animal, but looks like he’s fresh out of hell. I think Nivek would shit his pants if he tried a frontal assault on that dog.

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3 minutes ago, Player said:

The lab making a cameo with his tennis ball at :45 in that video was hilarious.

Maybe that’s the only part Nivek saw.

Somebody on here (Slade?) has one of those Cane Corso dogs. Beautiful animal, but looks like he’s fresh out of hell. I think Nivek would shit his pants if he tried a frontal assault on that dog.

There are a half dozen dogs out there in the cane Corso family that would rip the average man a new asshole 

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I would always avoid a confrontation with a large dog, but if it came down to it, and I had no choice but to fight it, I would prevail.  Would It be pretty?  No.  Would I require the services of a plastic surgeon?   Most likely,  but I would get my hands around that dog’s neck and not let go until it was over.

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5 minutes ago, conVINCEd said:

I would always avoid a confrontation with a large dog, but if it came down to it, and I had no choice but to fight it, I would prevail.  Would It be pretty?  No.  Would I require the services of a plastic surgeon?   Most likely,  but I would get my hands around that dog’s neck and not let go until it was over.

6df92a21704e2a2e3bac5fb86ad66ba1.jpg

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10 minutes ago, conVINCEd said:

I would always avoid a confrontation with a large dog, but if it came down to it, and I had no choice but to fight it, I would prevail.  Would It be pretty?  No.  Would I require the services of a plastic surgeon?   Most likely,  but I would get my hands around that dog’s neck and not let go until it was over.

Unless you have received training, the speed and quickness of a 100lb dog attacking would quickly overwhelm you.

Remember, it ain’t just his mouth. Those claws can tear open flesh pretty easy. Throw in multiple bite wounds that would cause shock. And you have a major fucking problem.

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I would always avoid a confrontation with a large dog, but if it came down to it, and I had no choice but to fight it, I would prevail.  Would It be pretty?  No.  Would I require the services of a plastic surgeon?   Most likely,  but I would get my hands around that dog’s neck and not let go until it was over.

d6ad9f5f7454d6c66d93c292954457cb.jpg
Tibetan mastiff. Can I watch you put your hands around its neck and choke it out?
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1 minute ago, Gatorubet said:


d6ad9f5f7454d6c66d93c292954457cb.jpg
Tibetan mastiff. Can I watch you put your hands around its neck and choke it out?

I’ve not seen one of those out for a walk in the hood.  Throwing out extreme examples doesn’t change the fact that, while I in no way want to have a confrontation with a large dog, if I was walking home from the park and got cornered by whatever large neighborhood dog that had escaped the backyard, I feel like I would probably survive.  If that neighborhood dog was a former Navy Seal German shepherd with sharpened titanium teeth, and it was surly, I fully acknowledge that I would probably be fucked.

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5 hours ago, Nivek said:


Yeah but its not like the nondescript male would stand still and let the eagle attack at will. Those talons are for fishing or snatching little rodents, not something denser and heavy.

The wolf/dog is a far bigger threat.

My mom grew up in in the hill country near San Saba and surrounding areas. Her uncle owned a sheep farm. One day my mom and her uncle decided to figure out what was taking his sheep. Mom and her uncle are watching the herd around 9am from about 150 yards away and hear the sheep start to get nervous and bay (Baaaaa means no...). They are looking through binoculars searching the perimeter for coyotes or mountain lions. Nothing. 
 

Then about 10 seconds later they see it coming. Bald Eagle. 🦅 Mom says it flew down in a split second, grabbed the closest sheep and was in the air with it and gone in 20 seconds. She said that thing did it and made it look easy, no struggle or fight flying that sheep away. This was in the 60’s and she said she wouldn’t have believed it is she didn’t see it. Family wouldn’t let the kids help with the sheep unless an adult was with them and had a gun. Scary shit. 
 

On a side note, I think there is a mountain tribe in the Himalayas that still hunt with “pet” golden eagles. 

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Unless you have received training, the speed and quickness of a 100lb dog attacking would quickly overwhelm you.
Remember, it ain’t just his mouth. Those claws can tear open flesh pretty easy. Throw in multiple bite wounds that would cause shock. And you have a major fucking problem.

Their claws can scratch at best. They are not panthers.

I’ll give you this, if the man goes up against the dog and gets hit by lightning, as a heart attack and a stroke and a seizure at the same time, the dog probably wins.

Storms here, stay safe everyone.
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5 hours ago, Nivek said:


It would never see my back. I would be attacking and it would be on the ground whimpering as I strangled it or simply broke its neck. If it jumped at my head it would be like one of those pre-prison Tyson fights on how fast that beast would get ktfo. And I ain’t shit.

You really underestimate how strong you really are.


image.gif.2c47002043b9b3674b7c59f3b78a7726.gif

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I’ve not seen one of those out for a walk in the hood.  Throwing out extreme examples doesn’t change the fact that, while I in no way want to have a confrontation with a large dog, if I was walking home from the park and got cornered by whatever large neighborhood dog that had escaped the backyard, I feel like I would probably survive.  If that neighborhood dog was a former Navy Seal German shepherd with sharpened titanium teeth, and it was surly, I fully acknowledge that I would probably be fucked.

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They hunt in packs Vince. In packs.
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On 5/17/2021 at 5:00 AM, Grade of D as in David said:

 

 

Such a funny and overlooked movie. That was the best take apparently and yet Will Ferrell can still barely keep a straight face while talking about the Tuna establishing a beachhead and hunting down lions.

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On 5/17/2021 at 3:35 PM, 956 Worldwide said:

Animals are either off or on, and are pound for pound stronger than us. Hell, try to just hold onto a very large dog that doesn’t want to hurt you— it just wants to get away.  You’ll find out what animal strength means.

Eh. I don't think pound for pound dogs are stronger than humans. If so it's close. Dogs are much faster and agile than we are but I've never had a problem play-wrestling with bigger dogs and easily pinning them. And I'm certainly not the strongest fella.

On the king cobra - I'd need to know how fast acting its venom is. Say it wasn't venomous at all - I'd kill the shit out of it. But say I take a quick bite and am almost instantly incapacitated by the venom - yeah that's a problem. 

Overall I bet I could get the job done but I might die 2 minutes later so we could call it a wash. 

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On 5/17/2021 at 4:14 PM, Sbbruin said:

An animal goes into survival mode, and kill or be killed.  Once that is its mentality, no saying to what lengths it will go to to survive.  

Why are we acting like humans don't function the exact same way? Survival-instinct adrenaline is a very real thing that makes us capable of doing some superhuman shit. Some of you clearly don't watch MMA and see the absolute beatings those guys will take before tapping out. And that's just for sport. 

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12 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

You’re fighting uphill against biology and evolution here.

No, actually, the dog would be. Humans are smarter, bigger, stronger and the dexterity gap isn't even close. And people need to quit using examples of dogs in packs being dangerous. They are pack hunters. One on one dogs/wolves can really struggle to kill something even relatively small like a deer. 

Obviously there are degrees here. A military trained German shepherd is a bit different than someone's neighbor's 95 lb Labrador that I'm about 100% confident I could kill easily. I'd probably need a hospital visit but that dog is getting choked to death.

And I take large dog to be ~100 lbs - not that ridiculous Tibetan Cerberus creature or wev the fuck that thing is. That is a GIANT dog. 

This is actually a decent clip for this convo - even though it's one of the saddest god damn scenes ever within the context of the movie. 

 

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This Very Serious Thread took me down a wormhole and I found that there are three documented instances of “human baiting” from England in the 19th century.  The dogs were sporting English bulldogs, which don’t really exist anymore but were similar to mastiffs but mean. 
 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human-baiting

 

1. A muzzled dog knocked down the man and still managed to get his teeth into him. The crowd intervened but by unanimous dog wins.

2. A little person allegedly goes 10 rounds, sustained serious bite wounds, but knocks the dog out. Competing accounts as to whether this happened. 

3. Man vs. dog goes 21 minutes before the dog got the man’s ear and drug him to the ground.  Ear is gone, crowd intervenes but dog is the unanimous winner. 

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25 minutes ago, ztejas said:

No, actually, the dog would be. Humans are smarter, bigger, stronger and the dexterity gap isn't even close. And people need to quit using examples of dogs in packs being dangerous. They are pack hunters. One on one dogs/wolves can really struggle to kill something even relatively small like a deer. 

Obviously there are degrees here. A military trained German shepherd is a bit different than someone's neighbor's 95 lb Labrador that I'm about 100% confident I could kill easily. I'd probably need a hospital visit but that dog is getting choked to death.

And I take large dog to be ~100 lbs - not that ridiculous Tibetan Cerberus creature or wev the fuck that thing is. That is a GIANT dog. 

This is actually a decent clip for this convo - even though it's one of the saddest god damn scenes ever within the context of the movie. 

 

Something “relatively small” like a deer would give you a terrible day if you got close enough to it to try and choke or bludgeon it to death. This average joe found that out with one he had shot already, so wolves struggling to take one down (which they do all the time even if they prefer to hunt in packs) isn’t really a flex. 
 

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/01/31/wounded-deer-injures-hunter/5076957/

 

Big dogs and wolves are more agile, faster, and have bites that can puncture arteries, take off flesh, and in some cases crack bones. MMA is a sporting event with rules that both sides know and follow. It isn’t close to relevant, and it’s worth pointing out that something like a broken arm (which a large dog can easily cause) ends the fight immediately. You probably are right that a person in good shape is a stronger grappler and COULD choke the dog out. But you’re over looking how much damage you’re going to take trying to get in that close. 

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25 minutes ago, ztejas said:

No, actually, the dog would be. Humans are smarter, bigger, stronger and the dexterity gap isn't even close. And people need to quit using examples of dogs in packs being dangerous. They are pack hunters. One on one dogs/wolves can really struggle to kill something even relatively small like a deer. 

Obviously there are degrees here. A military trained German shepherd is a bit different than someone's neighbor's 95 lb Labrador that I'm about 100% confident I could kill easily. I'd probably need a hospital visit but that dog is getting choked to death.

And I take large dog to be ~100 lbs - not that ridiculous Tibetan Cerberus creature or wev the fuck that thing is. That is a GIANT dog. 

This is actually a decent clip for this convo - even though it's one of the saddest god damn scenes ever within the context of the movie. 

 

Something “relatively small” like a deer would give you a terrible day if you got close enough to it to try and choke or bludgeon it to death. This average joe found that out with one he had shot already, so wolves struggling to take one down (which they do all the time even if they prefer to hunt in packs) isn’t really a flex. 
 

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/01/31/wounded-deer-injures-hunter/5076957/

 

Big dogs and wolves are more agile, faster, and have bites that can puncture arteries, take off flesh, and in some cases crack bones. MMA is a sporting event with rules that both sides know and follow. It isn’t close to relevant, and it’s worth pointing out that something like a broken arm (which a large dog can easily cause) ends the fight immediately. You probably are right that a person in good shape is a stronger grappler and COULD choke the dog out. But you’re over looking how much damage you’re going to take trying to get in that close. 

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5 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Something “relatively small” like a deer would give you a terrible day if you got close enough to it to try and choke or bludgeon it to death. This average joe found that out with one he had shot already, so wolves struggling to take one down (which they do all the time even if they prefer to hunt in packs) isn’t really a flex. 
 

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/01/31/wounded-deer-injures-hunter/5076957/

 

Big dogs and wolves are more agile, faster, and have bites that can puncture arteries, take off flesh, and in some cases crack bones. MMA is a sporting event with rules that both sides know and follow. It isn’t close to relevant, and it’s worth pointing out that something like a broken arm (which a large dog can easily cause) ends the fight immediately. You probably are right that a person in good shape is a stronger grappler and COULD choke the dog out. But you’re over looking how much damage you’re going to take trying to get in that close. 

Yeah well honestly pound for pound I'd probably rather fight a dog than an antlered deer.

And my point about MMA is that humans can take a fucking BEATING before keeling over. Even when it isn't to the death. I mean I'd probably take a dog bite over a fucking knee to the head.

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32 minutes ago, ztejas said:

Yeah well honestly pound for pound I'd probably rather fight a dog than an antlered deer.

And my point about MMA is that humans can take a fucking BEATING before keeling over. Even when it isn't to the death. I mean I'd probably take a dog bite over a fucking knee to the head.

You think so, huh? I think people are confusing the nips and warnings they’ve experienced to an actual attack on your face by an animal that strips raw meat from carcasses. 
 

https://www.irishmirror.ie/lifestyle/health/mum-face-rebuilt-after-suffering-4572046

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33 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

You think so, huh? I think people are confusing the nips and warnings they’ve experienced to an actual attack on your face by an animal that strips raw meat from carcasses. 
 

https://www.irishmirror.ie/lifestyle/health/mum-face-rebuilt-after-suffering-4572046

Okay well I'm a 6'3" 190 lb male in my 20s. Not a female that was 7 months pregnant at the time. Who didn't wind up dead. So... kind of a weird example to pick. And I meant a serious, break the flesh dog bite. Not just a nip.

The problem with just ONE dog biting and holding onto you is that it at the same time is making itself vulnerable to getting kicked or punched or pinned down. Again - unless we're talking about some trained-killing German Shepherd that can rip your jugular out or some dog that weighs close to what I do. Which might constitute .04% of all the dogs out there. 

Now - if there are TWO large dogs involved that want to kill me then holy shit I don't like my odds one bit. But that's dog's MO when it comes to killing prey.

So yeah - that Akita might get a good mauling in - but once a stronger, dexterous mammal is on it's back pinning it down, gouging at its eyes, beating it in the head or strangling it and it's absent of buddies that can tag in it's kind of up shit creek without a paddle.  

Here's another good clip of a wolf solo kill on a Caribou which isn't super analogous as wolf vs large dog might change the equation a bit - but I also think a dog would have a much harder time getting to a human's neck than a caribou that's lower to the ground and nowhere near as agile or dexterous once it becomes hand or hoof to paw. (I mean think about it - that many Caribou are spooked over one wolf. I don't think a wolf would come try and fuck with a few dozen even pre-tool making primates)

 

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6 minutes ago, ztejas said:

Okay well I'm a 6'3" 190 lb male in my 20s. Not a female that was 7 months pregnant at the time. Who didn't wind up dead. So... kind of a weird example to pick. And I meant a serious, break the flesh dog bite. Not just a nip.

The problem with just ONE dog biting and holding onto you is that it at the same time is making itself vulnerable to getting kicked or punched or pinned down. Again - unless we're talking about some trained-killing German Shepherd that can rip your jugular out or some dog that weighs close to what I do. Which might constitute .04% of all the dogs out there. 

Now - if there are TWO large dogs involved that want to kill me then holy shit I don't like my odds one bit. But that's dog's MO when it comes to killing prey.

So yeah - that Akita might get a good mauling in - but once a stronger, dexterous mammal is on it's back pinning it down, gouging at its eyes, beating it in the head or strangling it and it's absent of buddies that can tag in it's kind of up shit creek without a paddle.  

Ok, here’s a grown ass man who lost a fight to a dog, not even a particularly big one. It’s not like your face is particularly more tough than anyone else’s.
 

https://kutv.com/news/local/logan-man-recovering-from-serious-dog-bite-to-the-face-fate-of-pit-bull-undetermined

It ended with 300 stitches and 5 hours of skin grafts. 

Like Mike Tyson says, everyone had a plan till he gets punched in the mouth.  You have a great plan until something is eating your face. 

 

 

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6 minutes ago, ztejas said:

Okay well I'm a 6'3" 190 lb male in my 20s. Not a female that was 7 months pregnant at the time. Who didn't wind up dead. So... kind of a weird example to pick. And I meant a serious, break the flesh dog bite. Not just a nip.

The problem with just ONE dog biting and holding onto you is that it at the same time is making itself vulnerable to getting kicked or punched or pinned down. Again - unless we're talking about some trained-killing German Shepherd that can rip your jugular out or some dog that weighs close to what I do. Which might constitute .04% of all the dogs out there. 

Now - if there are TWO large dogs involved that want to kill me then holy shit I don't like my odds one bit. But that's dog's MO when it comes to killing prey.

So yeah - that Akita might get a good mauling in - but once a stronger, dexterous mammal is on it's back pinning it down, gouging at its eyes, beating it in the head or strangling it and it's absent of buddies that can tag in it's kind of up shit creek without a paddle.  

Ok, here’s a grown ass man who lost a fight to a dog, not even a particularly big one. It’s not like your face is particularly more tough than anyone else’s.
 

https://kutv.com/news/local/logan-man-recovering-from-serious-dog-bite-to-the-face-fate-of-pit-bull-undetermined

It ended with 300 stitches and 5 hours of skin grafts. 

Like Mike Tyson says, everyone had a plan till he gets punched in the mouth.  You have a great plan until something is eating your face. 

 

 

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1 minute ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Ok, here’s a grown ass man who lost a fight to a dog, not even a particularly big one. It’s not like your face is particularly more tough than anyone else’s.

I'm not sure we're even arguing the same thing at this point. Lost a fight? He reached down to pet it and got bit in the face. Again - he ain't dead. We aren't talking about skin grafts and losing an eye or part of an ear - we are talking about an absolute fight to the death where both parties are aware that's what it is from the beginning. You seem to think I'm arguing that I might come out unscathed. Nah - I'm probably gonna get torn up - but there's likely gonna be a dead dog carcass on the mat while someone calls EMS.

My first move in that situation probably wouldn't be bending down to get face level with the dog, either. I think I'd try and get a nice kick in first while I keep my hands up. 

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19 minutes ago, ChickenSandwich said:

https://breedingbusiness.com/dog-breeds-with-the-strongest-bite-force/
 

When these guys bite they snap your bones like a twig. 

And all the ones at the top of that list are massive breeds. 

Maybe I just have to call my shot here and say that for most dogs around 100 pounds I wouldn't feel totally helpless. But you start talking 120, 130, 140 pound pups and it gets a little hairier.

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The issue here is that while you’re accurate in terms of the power and strength we have— our defenses kind of suck. We don’t have a thick hide or fur or hair.  We have lots of nimble, dexterous appendages to bite and break. For men, our dick and balls are hanging out exposed when we are in our optimum fighting position. You laugh, but this is not true of other primates let alone other big animals and it’s a serious vulnerability.  Our fast twitch muscles and agility are much lower, which counts for a lot in the opening seconds and when we start thinking of trying to defend. 
 

The point of the photos is to show how much trauma one single dog bite from an ordinary dog can cause. It’s damage that would be an immediate fight stopper in any context. If it’s to a sensitive area, your day is done. People who think you can fight a big dog without serious injury are dreaming and the overall odds are a lot lower than you think.

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9 hours ago, conVINCEd said:

I’ve not seen one of those out for a walk in the hood.  Throwing out extreme examples doesn’t change the fact that, while I in no way want to have a confrontation with a large dog, if I was walking home from the park and got cornered by whatever large neighborhood dog that had escaped the backyard, I feel like I would probably survive.  If that neighborhood dog was a former Navy Seal German shepherd with sharpened titanium teeth, and it was surly, I fully acknowledge that I would probably be fucked.

The same goes for a big, male Rottie, German Shepard or Belgian Malinois. Unless you are a well trained special forces warrior, you're going to get your ass ripped apart by any aggressive, large breed dog.  If you are special forces, mad props; you're a badass.  If not, you will get fucked up.

Keep telling yourself you're K9 Rambo.

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1 hour ago, ztejas said:

And all the ones at the top of that list are massive breeds. 

Maybe I just have to call my shot here and say that for most dogs around 100 pounds I wouldn't feel totally helpless. But you start talking 120, 130, 140 pound pups and it gets a little hairier.

Oh, now we have qualifiers....total badass. 

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I won’t go into details because you guys wouldn’t believe me, but large dogs (and I’m not talking gigantic dogs) are not as difficult to defeat as we have convinced ourselves. We often fail to calculate man’s creativeness and will to survive when discussing these scenarios in a life or death situation.

Control the neck, control the dog, and I’m not talking about choking it. Grab the dog by the scruff of the neck with both hands, lift them up to where only their back legs are on the ground (you can literally steer them where you want them to go), hold on for dear life, and slam that SOB’s head into anything you can find. You can also take this opportunity to fuck up a dogs back legs with your own legs. It’s very difficult for a dog to bite when you have a solid grip on both sides of the neck, especially from behind. A good grip with one hand from behind frees up the other hand for any number of things. 

Yes, we get bit and it fucking hurts, but man has the tools to win this fight a large percentage of the time if they are thinking and don’t curl up like a little bitch. Now, a pack of dogs… fuck that. 

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5 hours ago, ztejas said:

Yeah well honestly pound for pound I'd probably rather fight a dog than an antlered deer.

And my point about MMA is that humans can take a fucking BEATING before keeling over. Even when it isn't to the death. I mean I'd probably take a dog bite over a fucking knee to the head.

Antlers wouldn't even come into it; they'd pummel you to death w/ their hooves. 

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6 hours ago, ztejas said:

Such a funny and overlooked movie. That was the best take apparently and yet Will Ferrell can still barely keep a straight face while talking about the Tuna establishing a beachhead and hunting down lions.

You shoulda shot A-Rod

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48 minutes ago, Coelenterate Fuccboi said:

A good grip with one hand from behind frees up the other hand for any number of things. 

I guess if you can successfully jerk the dog off, you will have instantly defused the situation and made a friend for life.

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  • Prepuce of Doom changed the title to 22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them

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