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Military Boot Camp Funny Stories from Reddit


crash_davis

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every morning after morning chow, we had 'field day' in the squad bay, or basically morning clean up. One of the recruits in our platoon was sweeping or mopping  the quarterdeck, the open area by the front door,  when the Battalion Executive Officer walks in.  The recruit knows when an officer comes on deck, it's a big fucking deal, but in boot camp fashion, freezes. The XO, trying to get the recruit to offer the customary, "Good Morning, Sir!" asks the Private  what he should do next.  The guy thinks about it momentarily, pops his mop/ broom to order arms, down by his right foot and renders what he thinks is  a perfect salute like the middle picture below, only sans rifle It is not a real salute, but simply a part of the movement to Order Arms. .  XO did acknowledge the effort, but then had to excuse himself- but did not make it outside before busting out laughing.

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On 7/26/2021 at 12:57 AM, slorch said:

every morning after morning chow, we had 'field day' in the squad bay, or basically morning clean up. One of the recruits in our platoon was sweeping or mopping  the quarterdeck, the open area by the front door,  when the Battalion Executive Officer walks in.  The recruit knows when an officer comes on deck, it's a big fucking deal, but in boot camp fashion, freezes. The XO, trying to get the recruit to offer the customary, "Good Morning, Sir!" asks the Private  what he should do next.  The guy thinks about it momentarily, pops his mop/ broom to order arms, down by his right foot and renders what he thinks is  a perfect salute like the middle picture below, only sans rifle It is not a real salute, but simply a part of the movement to Order Arms. .  XO did acknowledge the effort, but then had to excuse himself- but did not make it outside before busting out laughing.

rLfgByXalEz5w9ev5ciffpIWM2RiEUGxG4skfMDD

We had a LT come by after lights out one night. The firewatch was supposed to greet him with "ATTENTION ON DECK, GOOD EVENING, SIR" but he said something to the effect of "um...hello". The SDI was there and he came out, obviously pissed. He was only there for a minute or two and I heard him say to the SDI "Does he know what to do when I leave?", in a tone of just pure sarcasm and contempt for the kid. SDI says "You know what Sir, I just don't know.". Dude got bent the next day and we all got a lecture. 

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I've got many, but thisbis my favorite.

Time for morning PT and today is muscle failure day, which means push ups and sit ups until your muscles literally stop working. Since that meant no running i didn't bother with my jock strap. 

 I'm fairly well endowed so running without one is torture. 

We form up  and the DS decides we are doing calisthenics instead today. Start out with lunges, stretches, and then motherfucking jumping jacks.

After a couple sets I am in pain from my balls slapping around. It was hot so they were hanging low that day.

DS is watching my face contort with every jump.

"Private MIA, what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"DS, I don't have my jock strap on today, DS!"

"Its that big huh?" He says with a chuckle, "Run your ass to the barracks and get the proper gear!"

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From my USAF basic training.

During an unannounced dorm inspection our Section Supervisor, nicknamed Satan, was looking through wall lockers.  He happens to stop at a trainee who was on the body fat management program so he was already getting hell.  He opened the locker and found the BDUs hung incorrectly.  He then looked at the clothing drawer and said it looked like someone took a shit in his clothing drawer.  He then proceeded to grab all his BDUs and throw them out the second story window.

Another time while marching that same Section Supervisor, without being given command of the flight, called out a random command.  Our whole flight ignored it correctly except the fucking guidon barer.  After the obligatory screaming the MSGt grabbed the guidon and threw it like a javelin.  He made the trainee go get on his hands and knees and apologize to the guidon for cheating on it.

From a friends USAF basic training verified by other eyewitnesses during Tech School - otherwise I would not believe.

A couple of nights after arriving he was singing god blessed Texas in the shower.  TI says oh god blessed Texas huh.  Why don’t you get on the ground and push it.  He tried to do shallow pushups to avoid touching the floor but TI said nope and put his boot on his back and him go down until he was slapping the floor.

Same guy gets called into the flight office in between the bays shortly before lights out.  You always had to go to bed in uniform, which depended on time of year.  Warmer months was PT clothes for morning PT.  Colder months was whitey tighties and brown T-shirt since PT was in the afternoon you would start in BDUs.  This was during the colder months so he was in whitey tighties and t-shirt.  Guy proceeds to pull out one testicle and runs to the flight office slams to attention in front of the TI  who is sitting at his desk and hits his reporting statement all while his nut is hanging out.  

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A coworker with last name Erby told me about his first day of basic where they are calling your name to get off the bus and the Instructor says Furby... no answer.... Furby.... no answer. Coworker says sir do you mean Erby? Instructor just unleashes on him saying goddamnit Furby are you trying to say I can’t read? You are Furby from now on and he was. 

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Told by my brother from his army basic training:

There was this dude in his platoon or whatever they call it, that was a dim bulb.  His name was Klegums. Despite having 20/20 vision he insisted on aiming his rifle with eye opposite the stock and could not shoot worth a shit.  So he was already on the shit list with the drill sergeant. Its kind of an hilarious visual when you think about it.

Then later, Kelgums gets caught jacking it to to some kind of science fiction magazine and is written up or an article 37 for misuse of government property.  Drill sergeant finds out and calls Klegums out in front of everybody in the barracks:  "Goddammit Klegums, whats this I hear about you jacking off to space ships and robots?"  Kelgums doesn't answer and drill sergeant hands him a normal skin magazine.  "here, use this next time, when you get out of basic ".

Klegums ends up being the flag bearer for the platoon in some kind of final parade they do because he could not stay in step, so they figured it was best if he was by himself out front.  Ended up being a big mistake because word had gotten around about his article 37 and rather than being hidden and unnoticed,  he was out there for all to see and recognize.  As my brother's platoon marched through the parade all the spectators were pointing and laughing at Klegums, making the "jack off" motion and moving their arms around like robots.  Klegums was, of course, oblivious to the whole thing and was proudly marching out of step all by himself out front.

Drill sergeant was so pissed off and humiliated, he made Klegums repeat.

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I don’t think I read them all but everything I read was hilarious.

when our DS was  smoking one or two individuals for... whatever, he would make us guess what he liked on his cheeseburger while we were pushing. 😂

me: drill sergeant Hammond you like mayonnaise lettuce and pickles on your cheeseburger

him: I don’t like no damn mayonnaise low crown.. push!

we kept copious notes on his dietary preferences .We shared them as an entire platoon but the problem is that what he liked on his cheeseburger changed every single time he did it to us

fn hilarious 😂 

 

 

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On 7/30/2021 at 12:31 PM, TexEx15 said:

From my USAF basic training.

During an unannounced dorm inspection our Section Supervisor, nicknamed Satan, was looking through wall lockers.  He happens to stop at a trainee who was on the body fat management program so he was already getting hell.  He opened the locker and found the BDUs hung incorrectly.  He then looked at the clothing drawer and said it looked like someone took a shit in his clothing drawer.  He then proceeded to grab all his BDUs and throw them out the second story window.

Another time while marching that same Section Supervisor, without being given command of the flight, called out a random command.  Our whole flight ignored it correctly except the fucking guidon barer.  After the obligatory screaming the MSGt grabbed the guidon and threw it like a javelin.  He made the trainee go get on his hands and knees and apologize to the guidon for cheating on it.

From a friends USAF basic training verified by other eyewitnesses during Tech School - otherwise I would not believe.

A couple of nights after arriving he was singing god blessed Texas in the shower.  TI says oh god blessed Texas huh.  Why don’t you get on the ground and push it.  He tried to do shallow pushups to avoid touching the floor but TI said nope and put his boot on his back and him go down until he was slapping the floor.

Same guy gets called into the flight office in between the bays shortly before lights out.  You always had to go to bed in uniform, which depended on time of year.  Warmer months was PT clothes for morning PT.  Colder months was whitey tighties and brown T-shirt since PT was in the afternoon you would start in BDUs.  This was during the colder months so he was in whitey tighties and t-shirt.  Guy proceeds to pull out one testicle and runs to the flight office slams to attention in front of the TI  who is sitting at his desk and hits his reporting statement all while his nut is hanging out.  

Unannounced dorm inspection in boot camp.

 

tee-hee.

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9 hours ago, slorch said:

Unannounced dorm inspection in boot camp.

 

tee-hee.

 

9 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

No shit. Doesn't chair force basic get leave on the weekends?

Look I’m sorry y’all didn’t score high enough on your ASVAB to have the choice.  Talk to your local school board about that.  Besides, they didn’t serve crayons in the chow hall so you would not have liked it anyways.

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I'm telling on myself here unfortunately.  Did OSUT at Ft. Knox so basic/AIT combined for tankers.  My cousin was married to a Captain who was in JMOC school there at the time and he, being a really cool guy, and also urged by my cousin came to visit me on like the 2nd Sunday I was there.  I'm minding my business cleaning shit or whatever we were doing in the barracks when the runner come up and says DS wants you at the CQ desk.  I shag my ass down there and there's 4 Hats there staring at me as I come around the corner.  I'm wondering WTF and then I see CPT L standing there in civies.  Totally choked when I saw him and said "Chris!  What are you doing here?"  I thought those guys were going to stroke out. 

CPT L takes me out to the parking lot to see my cuz and ask me if I need anything and all I can think of is "Those guys are going to roast me when I get back in there."  Had a nice 15 minute visit, they promised to bring me some M&M's or some shit and back in I go to face the music.  Only one left there is my Senior DS and his eyes are as big as saucers when I walk in.  First thing out of his mouth is "Chris?  Chris?  Don't you mean Captain L?"  He hit me for 20 but his heart wasn't in it and that was last I heard of it, which shocked the hell out of me.

Got my M&M's the next week too.

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2 hours ago, TexEx15 said:

 

Look I’m sorry y’all didn’t score high enough on your ASVAB to have the choice.  Talk to your local school board about that.  Besides, they didn’t serve crayons in the chow hall so you would not have liked it anyways.

Air force was my first choice but they were pushing air sea rescue so hard I checked out what the Army was offering. They said with my scores I could do anything I wanted so I chose satellite/ mic operations. 

We too had an intellectually challenged private who literally did not know his right from his left. We formed up alphabetically so were were always in the same position. 

We took white out and painted a L and R on the back heels of the boots of the guy who always marched in front of him. It worked. Dude never took his eyes off those letters. 

We even won the drill competition at the end of basic.

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On 8/4/2021 at 11:27 AM, TexEx15 said:

 

Look I’m sorry y’all didn’t score high enough on your ASVAB to have the choice.  Talk to your local school board about that.  Besides, they didn’t serve crayons in the chow hall so you would not have liked it anyways.

Myninja 

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On 8/4/2021 at 10:27 AM, TexEx15 said:

 

Look I’m sorry y’all didn’t score high enough on your ASVAB to have the choice.  Talk to your local school board about that.  Besides, they didn’t serve crayons in the chow hall so you would not have liked it anyways.

Not a golfer either, so there's that aspect of the AF i wouldn't have enjoyed.

ASVAB smacktalk is funny though...  the fucking ASVAB?  Really?

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