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Shart 2022: Lil' Deuce Deuce


Prepuce of Doom
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Guest Lobo
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Had a bit of a scare getting coffee at the neighborhood coffee shop this morning, and of course the guy in front of me at the DIY coffee bar wanted to play amateur barista and take 4 minutes to make two coffees (I timed him).    Clenched ass cheeks the whole drive home.  Almost clogged the toilet without even bothering with TP.  

I am honestly looking forward to 2022 being a good year for my family, but I'm a little bummed out that my first two deuces to start the year are probably gonna be my best.  I can honestly say that most of my 2021 baggage is now gone and I begin anew.  I'm like a Phoenix Bird...rising from Arizona!  Or dropping from Arizona...as it were.

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Fact of the matter is that I had a lot of unreported sharts in 2021. Minimal blurps and nuisances. They all classified. They were all within bounds but I only posted the game changers. Why hammer the post with tremors. Let's just focus on reporting earthquakes.

I've adjusted my grading. I'll post here now when it's basically a wind assisted shitting of your pants. The criteria is a shart that not only gets through the underwear but manifests visually in the trousers or the seat you're sitting on.  I'd wager the latter is the holy grail. Go big or go home.

Got on the board fabulously today..  as always it was a surprise... a total wreckage as pants and boxers were beyond salvage with a straddle walk to shed boxers and pants and a hop into the shower to fix things. If I'm at this point this early in 2022 well....I'm good for a few more posts. Stay frosty. 

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47 minutes ago, Marfa Low Crown said:

Fact of the matter is that I had a lot of unreported sharts in 2021. Minimal blurps and nuisances. They all classified. They were all within bounds but I only posted the game changers. Why hammer the post with tremors. Let's just focus on reporting earthquakes.

I've adjusted my grading. I'll post here now when it's basically a wind assisted shitting of your pants. The criteria is a shart that not only gets through the underwear but manifests visually in the trousers or the seat you're sitting on.  I'd wager the latter is the holy grail. Go big or go home.

Got on the board fabulously today..  as always it was a surprise... a total wreckage as pants and boxers were beyond salvage with a straddle walk to shed boxers and pants and a hop into the shower to fix things. If I'm at this point this early in 2022 well....I'm good for a few more posts. Stay frosty. 

While I applaud your contributions, you may want to go see a doctor..  At this pace you will be wearing a diaper in 10-15 years at the most. 

Edited by Hook1997
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What is wrong with you people on this thread??!!! Do you all suffer from IBS or a spastic colon?

I understand if you get super drunk and have an accident. But some of these, well, unless you have some type of funk and how can you not feel one coming on and get to a stopping point?

I will say, however, that some of these stories make me laugh. Others gross me out.

So, I guess, keep it up. 

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37 minutes ago, mininghorn88 said:

What is wrong with you people on this thread??!!! Do you all suffer from IBS or a spastic colon?

I understand if you get super drunk and have an accident. But some of these, well, unless you have some type of funk and how can you not feel one coming on and get to a stopping point?

I will say, however, that some of these stories make me laugh. Others gross me out.

So, I guess, keep it up. 

those who can't do, teach?

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1 hour ago, mininghorn88 said:

What is wrong with you people on this thread??!!! Do you all suffer from IBS or a spastic colon?

I understand if you get super drunk and have an accident. But some of these, well, unless you have some type of funk and how can you not feel one coming on and get to a stopping point?

I will say, however, that some of these stories make me laugh. Others gross me out.

So, I guess, keep it up. 

Don't taunt the Shart Gods - they've now got their (brown) eye on you. 

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11 hours ago, Marfa Low Crown said:

Fact of the matter is that I had a lot of unreported sharts in 2021. Minimal blurps and nuisances. They all classified. They were all within bounds but I only posted the game changers. Why hammer the post with tremors. Let's just focus on reporting earthquakes.

I've adjusted my grading. I'll post here now when it's basically a wind assisted shitting of your pants. The criteria is a shart that not only gets through the underwear but manifests visually in the trousers or the seat you're sitting on.  I'd wager the latter is the holy grail. Go big or go home.

Got on the board fabulously today..  as always it was a surprise... a total wreckage as pants and boxers were beyond salvage with a straddle walk to shed boxers and pants and a hop into the shower to fix things. If I'm at this point this early in 2022 well....I'm good for a few more posts. Stay frosty. 

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On 1/18/2022 at 11:42 AM, Gil Bang said:

Welp.  Just got my passport stamped.  Luckily, I'm working from home today and wearing jeans.  The jeans took some shrapnel. 

With your home field shitter just down the hallway? You filthy, fucking, disgusting animal. You know, we're living in a society!

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On 1/19/2022 at 6:41 AM, Parliament said:

Prime rib dinner last night with 3 Bud Lights.  Drive home was also harrowing, but I made it with no sharts. 

The epilogue was refreshing though.  Hopped in the shower right after.  I took you guys a video:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CYXfCn4KCr6/

 

Not sure that the videographer chose the best place to stand for that one. 

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Got my ticket punched last night. Don't know what set it off because the only thing I ate all day was a pb&j and some cranberry juice, water and a sprite zero.

So there I was, freshly showered and sitting on the couch in my PJ pants and t shirt. Just finished setting up my new phone which had been delivered today, feeling proud of myself. Like I said, I hadn't had anything disturbing to eat all day so when I felt a little pressure on the back door T&P valve I thought nothing of it. I leaned a little bit and gave a slight push to release some gas. To my horror my winking pink brownie cake burped up a dollop of intestinal lava and I went into code red mode. I shot up off the couch and headed straight for the shitter. Still not feeling like I was having an episode I figured I'd wipe up a bit, jump back in the shower and put fresh clothes on. I dropped my drawers, sat down and saw the brown speckled stain on my underwear between my feet. Something about my ass cheeks hitting that toilet seat triggered a response from my ass that can best be described as the Tonga assplosion in reverse. I spent the next several minutes pissing out of my ass.

When I was pretty certain it was done I showered and got dressed. As I walked into the living room I see the evidence marking the cushion. FUCK! Thank god the wife wasn't home and I thank him even more for letting us have stain resistant material. A wet cloth and a tiny bit of carpet cleaner and WALLAH! All cleaned up. When she got home she asked about the wet spot on the couch. I casually said I spilled a little rum and coke while I was having a drink and she called me a dumbass and laughed. This morning the spot is dry and nary a trace of shart. At this moment I have soiled clothes in the washing machine.

Can't believe I went all the way thru 2021 clean and can't even get out of January 2022.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Nephew is two and the fam came over for the Super Bowl. He started eating grapes. Loved them. Kept eating them. At one point he took the bag and went into another room. I tell his parents. They aren’t concerned as he is now potty trained. About 2 minutes left in the game and nephew goes to pee. At the same time went firehose diarrhea out the back end and all over our rugs. Quite the scene ensued.

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On 1/25/2022 at 9:49 AM, mininghorn88 said:

What is wrong with you people on this thread??!!! Do you all suffer from IBS or a spastic colon?

I understand if you get super drunk and have an accident. But some of these, well, unless you have some type of funk and how can you not feel one coming on and get to a stopping point?

I will say, however, that some of these stories make me laugh. Others gross me out.

So, I guess, keep it up. 

Your elder statesmen looking at the 88 in your screen name and assuming it references your graduation year are presently thinking, 'boy is he gonna get a surprise in the next few years.'

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On 1/26/2022 at 1:08 PM, 'stache said:

Two home field pants shits in a week. I’m pretty sure that’s was precipitated the fall of the Assyrian Empire. Civilizations have rules people!

Butthole discipline has been my concern ever since I started working from home 2 years ago. 

I take chances I'd never take at the office.

We are through the looking glass, people!

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29 minutes ago, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

Your elder statesmen looking at the 88 in your screen name and assuming it references your graduation year are presently thinking, 'boy is he gonna get a surprise in the next few years.'

The other thing is your typical surl is one to force a fart for maximum audibility.

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