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Shit My Kid Says


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Today he:

-got in trouble for sticking his (clothed, thankfully) butt through the doorway of a different second grade classroom and wiggling it around instead of going straight to the bathroom;

-once in the bathroom, instead of going into the stall with an open door and which was obviously unoccupied, he somehow jimmied open the lock to a closed stall, and upon discovering that it was occupied, let out a scream "like a girl" (his words) that was so loud, shrill, and alarming that several teachers left their classrooms to investigate; 

-picked up a technical foul from his own coach for excessively arguing a call during a scrimmage at the end of park district basketball practice; and 

-sharted. 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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17 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Today he:

-got in trouble for sticking his (clothed, thankfully) butt through the doorway of a different second grade classroom and wiggling it around instead of going straight to the bathroom;

-once in the bathroom, instead of going into the stall with an open door and which was obviously unoccupied, he somehow jimmied open the lock to a closed stall, and upon discovering that it was occupied, let out a scream "like a girl" (his words) that was so loud, shrill, and alarming that several teachers left their classrooms to investigate; 

-picked up a technical foul from his own coach for excessively arguing a call during a scrimmage at the end of park district basketball practice; and 

-sharted. 

Doomlet had himself a hell of a day.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Doomlet is experiencing his first real bout of diarrhea as a sentient being right now. Also threw up in the middle of the night last night while I was out of town. 

This morning, Mrs. Doom covered the furniture with towels and sheets in case he threw up again, and when he first saw it, he said it looked like a crime scene. 

After his fourth or fifth shit of the day, he just sort of said with a defeated tone that he "liked talking about poop a lot more than actually doing it." 

 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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2 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet is experiencing his first real bout of diarrhea as a sentient being right now. Also threw up in the middle of the night last night while I was out of town. 

This morning, Mrs. Doom covered the furniture with towels and sheets in case he threw up again, and when he first saw it, he said it looked like a crime scene. 

After his fourth or fifth shit of the day, he just sort of said with a defeated tone that he "liked talking about poop a lot more than actually doing it." 

 

Poor guy.  I hope he gets over his crud quickly.  Being a sick kid at Christmastime sucks, even more than having a sick kid at Christmastime does.

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Minor trouble at school today. Farting around hanging off of the bathroom partitions (not sure if this was the haunted bathroom or not) and some kid told on him, so his teacher made him write us a note of contrition. 

If you look closely, you can see that he initially blamed David for doing it first, and then erased David's name and left it anonymous. 

20221220_155337.thumb.jpg.6be3eeef1cd02d78f37fb694f748ef87.jpg

The Dooms ain't raising no rat! 

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Setting the stage in a long winded way...

My boy doesn't like to speak Mandarin. He understands what we're saying, but he replies in English. 3 years and thousands of dollars in Chinese classes down the toilet. Anyway, my parents are visiting and staying with us, and I ask them to only speak to him in Chinese. He's slowly opening up and finally responding to my mom. At dinner the other night. 

 

My mom in Chinese (translated here, obviously):  You should eat more fish, it'll make you smarter.

My boy: I'm already smart.

 

I never thought he could say those words, and was surprised and amused that he responded that way to my mom.

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Minor trouble at school today. Farting around hanging off of the bathroom partitions (not sure if this was the haunted bathroom or not) and some kid told on him, so his teacher made him write us a note of contrition. 
If you look closely, you can see that he initially blamed David for doing it first, and then erased David's name and left it anonymous. 
20221220_155337.thumb.jpg.6be3eeef1cd02d78f37fb694f748ef87.jpg
The Dooms ain't raising no rat! 

Damn , your kid’s in school during Christmas week?
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Lil’ Brown’s Girl Scout troop had a holiday party last weekend. One mom ran a Xmas-Hanukkah trivia game.

When it was my little heathen’s turn the question was “where was Jesus born?”

Lil’ Brown answered “Austin, Texas”.

Someone else then gave the right answer.

Lil’ Brown then replied, “How am I supposed to know which Jesus if you’re not going to give me a last name?”

Later Lil’ Brown asked who Jesus was because dad always says we only celebrate the pagan aspects of Christmas.

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16 minutes ago, CooterBrown said:

Lil’ Brown’s Girl Scout troop had a holiday party last weekend. One mom ran a Xmas-Hanukkah trivia game.

When it was my little heathen’s turn the question was “where was Jesus born?”

Lil’ Brown answered “Austin, Texas”.

Someone else then gave the right answer.

Lil’ Brown then replied, “How am I supposed to know which Jesus if you’re not going to give me a last name?”

Later Lil’ Brown asked who Jesus was because dad always says we only celebrate the pagan aspects of Christmas.

Jesus could not have been born in Austin.  The absence of both three wise men and a virgin precluded that possibility.

Edited by nnm
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10 hours ago, CooterBrown said:

Lil’ Brown’s Girl Scout troop had a holiday party last weekend. One mom ran a Xmas-Hanukkah trivia game.

When it was my little heathen’s turn the question was “where was Jesus born?”

Lil’ Brown answered “Austin, Texas”.

No son. Jesus wasn't born in Austin. He only played football here from 2003-2005.

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We've had a bunch of treats delivered by neighbors, co-workers, etc.

We offer the kids some Godiva chocolate truffles after lunch, but we tell the 6 year old he has to finish his meal first. He's the slowest eater ever, so like 20 min later he pushes the plate forward and says "now can I have some of that vagina chocolate?"

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The kids are on winter break and spending too much time on their iPads and other electronics. This morning I turned off WiFi to their devices (using the eero app), and gave them a list of things to do before I give them back WiFi access.

One of the items on the list is "play with something other than electronics."  My son asked me what that meant, and like an Asian parent, I told him to use his mind and figure it out.

His response (without pausing) was "If you want me to use my mind, you need to give me a Mind User 5000".

 

That kid is too smart for his own good.

 

 

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3 minutes ago, Superhero said:

The kids are on winter break and spending too much time on their iPads and other electronics. This morning I turned off WiFi to their devices (using the eero app), and gave them a list of things to do before I give them back WiFi access.

One of the items on the list is "play with something other than electronics."  My son asked me what that meant, and like an Asian parent, I told him to use his mind and figure it out.

His response (without pausing) was "If you want me to use my mind, you need to give me a Mind User 5000".

 

That kid is too smart for his own good.

 

 

I would have just rubbed one out, and then asked for my iPad back.

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On 1/4/2023 at 9:34 AM, Armybrat said:

“But you can go all in at McDonald’s”

For me, McDonalds was a fancy restaurant when I was a kid. We lived so far in the sticks, there wasn’t a restaurant for more than a 30-minute drive. McD’s didn’t open until I was in junior high or thereabouts. Only rich people ate at any restaurant at all.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Took my boys (6 and 11) to lunch yesterday. My 6 yr old is really into pretend play right now and is constantly saying "pretend I'm a ________" about everything we do. On the other side, my 11 yr old is slowly losing his innocence after just half a year in middle school.

We're getting ready to leave and my youngest takes one more drag off his root beer, then says "this root beer really tastes like a root beer dum-dum." As we get up and start to walk through this crowded restaurant to leave, he goes "pretend I'm a root beer dum-dum and suck on me". My oldest immediately goes "Ayyyyee yoooo" and starts giggling. As we're walking, he just keep saying "suck me, suck me, suck me, suck on my head" which sends my oldest over the edge. 

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He's in the living room, supposedly doing his nightly reading, but is actually entertaining himself by picking his nose. 

He didn't have a Kleenex in there with him, so he's been wiping bloody wintertime boogers on his own leg instead. 

Spoilered because I wouldn't subject you all to this involuntary. 

Spoiler

20230123_211244.thumb.jpg.206fb64fc309895d5862d1d3988514a9.jpg

 

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