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Shit My Kid Says


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My son talking about his Aunt (aka Typhoon Mary), "How am I supposed to have respect for someone when I'm only 13 and she's an adult, and I am smarter than she is?"



As I was told, if you can’t respect em, bless em.

“Bless her heart”
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4 hours ago, Llano Estacado said:

Shaved my winter beard last weekend.

4 yr old. “Dada is that an adult drink? Is that a beer? You need to drink a lot of beer, so your beard will come back. [sister], beard is hair that grows in your face like a bear. Beer. Bear. Beard.”

Sound logic.

Beer. Bear. Beard. Battlestar Galactica. 

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  • 5 weeks later...

So we're riding to the inlaws for Easter dinner...

 

Paul Rever comes on and from the back seat, both boys break out with...

 

Nooooooow... Here's a little story I got to tell about three bad brothers you know so well, it started way back in history with AdRock, MCA, and me Mike D!

 

And they procees to go through the whole song...

 

It was the first time since first or second grade that I'd heard my soon to be 8th grade son sing along with a song... Any song.... And it's probably the last time he and little brother will not argue about whatever it is they are talking about in the car...

 

I felt like a dad.

 

I grabbed two girls and a beer that's cold...

 

Then they stayed arguing again.

 

 

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Picking up the wife's 11 year old twins (boy and girl) from school yesterday.  Had local radio on and announcers were talking about one of the Utah players being "a legitimate shooting threat at the game tonight."

Girl:  Omg  where is there a shooting threat is that now.

Me and Boy: They are talking about the Rockets game tonight.

Girl: Well, Why would they even play the game if someone there is a real shooting threat.

Boy and I just look at each other in amazement.  He was kind enough to explain it.  I just shook my head.

Edited by UTEX90
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My mother is notorious story teller and provider of unsolicited information about people I have never met and probably will never meet as well as a grammar corrector and relayer of news articles  (when I was in college) and now facebook posts about mental and physical health.  She is a true believer in the printed and posted word.

One of my nephews when he was about 5 after listening to my mother go on and on and on about something turned to her said, "Grandma, all you do is teach people things they don't want to learn."

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11 minutes ago, UTEX90 said:

My mother is notorious story teller and provider of unsolicited information about people I have never met and probably will never meet as well as a grammar corrector and relayer of news articles  (when I was in college) and now facebook posts about mental and physical health.  She is a true believer in the printed and posted word.

One of my nephews when he was about 5 after listening to my mother go on and on and on about something turned to her said, "Grandma, all you do is teach people things they don't want to learn."

Brother? My nephews (her grandkids) would call them "Annie attacks" when she'd start rambling.

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Watching a soccer game the other night and it started to drizzle.  Daughter pulled out the umbrella and asked it my wife wanted under it.  My wife responded, "I'm not sugar, I won't melt."  Without skipping a beat, my daughter replied, "neither was the wicked witch."

Guess who got in trouble for laughing.

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Watching a soccer game the other night and it started to drizzle.  Daughter pulled out the umbrella and asked it my wife wanted under it.  My wife responded, "I'm not sugar, I won't melt."  Without skipping a beat, my daughter replied, "neither was the wicked witch."
Guess who got in trouble for laughing.


Well played. I hope she was rewarded for quick wit
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8 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

My kids were arguing in a classic sibling rivalry fashion when my 12 year old daughter announced to by 13 year old son that, "I am smarter than you and better than you at everything. You are going to be 30 years old living in my basement watching porn all day."

If he won’t take her up on this deal, I will!

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6 year old EE2B: “I’m getting the hell out of here and going inside!”

Holy shit it was hard to keep a straight face while I got on to her. I had to look away a couple of times to keep from laughing.

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Kid asked me if we could go hit some rocks. 6 years old. So we go to the range. He hits maybe 20 balls. Then loads his clubs up and says "I'm going to go roll a few" and heads to the putting green.

What do you do when nothing can ever get better?

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  • 2 weeks later...

A few months ago I bought pink raquetballs to play fetch with our lab because they were easier to see in the snow.  They were on their last leg so I ordered more on Amazon, however, they were out of pink ones.  My 6 year old loves to open Amazon packages so I gave her the box when they were delivered.  When unboxing them, she turned to my wife and said, "Daddy has blue balls!"

Guilty!

Edited by Burt
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  • 3 weeks later...

Just wrapping up a 3 days stay at Great Wolf lodge in Grapevine. For the second time in two years the week of July 4th, we were awoken at 3 am to the fire alarm. Smoke somewhere. This time it was accompanied by electricity outage in a huge chunk of the property including our room.

Several engines responded.

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The electricity remained out until 6pm the next day.

We got a phone call from the manager that our two nights were going to be refunded.

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What did your kid have to say about it?


When the alarms went off, I didn’t immediately get out of bed. My kids were freaking out.

My kid says to me “ the next time the alarm goes off and you don’t hear it, should I wake you up?”

Yes. Yes please?
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  • 2 weeks later...

Had a goldfish die today.  Middle son (5 years old) decides burial method of choice will be to flush Goldie down the toilet.  As Goldie is circling, I make the remark that he's now swimming happily in goldfish heaven.

My 7 year old chimes in with "well Goldie's heaven is in our septic tank surrounded by our poop."

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2 hours ago, Wiler77 said:

Had a goldfish die today.  Middle son (5 years old) decides burial method of choice will be to flush Goldie down the toilet.  As Goldie is circling, I make the remark that he's now swimming happily in goldfish heaven.

My 7 year old chimes in with "well Goldie's heaven is in our septic tank surrounded by our poop."

Sounds like Goldie went to TOS.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 7/3/2019 at 3:18 PM, Homesickhorn said:

This is a little tardy, but I feel like this deserves to be here. Little Homesick likes to pick out his own cards for me.
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Great start. And he’s beaming at me as I open it.
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Okay, I laughed.
35aed7cef1eb191a0e65f761a823fef4.jpg
This kid really is my son.

The stick figure at the end absolutely kills me. 

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