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do you ever yearn?


Kel Varnsen

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Do women know about shrinkage?"
"What do you mean, like laundry?"
"No..."
"Like when a man goes swimming... Afterwards..."
"It shrinks?"
"Like a frightened turtle."
"Why does it shrink?"
"It just does."
"I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."

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Estelle: So, I'm getting an eye job.

George: An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye job.

Estelle: Georgie, I'm a divorcee.

George: No, you're not a divorcee. Youre just separated. You're---you're

a separatee.

Estelle: Well, I'm out there, George.

George: No, you're not out there.

Estelle: I am, too!

George: You're not out there! You can't be, because *I* am out there. And

if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to

electroshock me back into coherence!

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Kramer: Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates. My name is Kramer. Cosmo Kramer.

Clerk: Kramer.... [checks computer] All right...

Kramer: All righty...

Clerk: Sign right here, please. [hands over clipboard]

Kramer: [signs it] Okay. [The clerk hands him a manila envelope]. Thanks.

[opens up the envelope] Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to me. I'm

not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake.

Clerk: What's your name again?

Kramer: Cosmo Kramer.

Clerk: [checks computer again] Cosmo Kramer. You *are* the Assman.

Kramer: No! I'm not the Assman.

Clerk: Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are.

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18 minutes ago, Nole-4-Life said:

You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I’d be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I would’ve said you’re crazy… Now let’s push this giant ball of oil out the window.

Giddyup!

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George: Listen to this. Marcy comes up and she tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late last night, and "yada yada yada, I'm really tired today." You don't think she yada yada'd sex.

Elaine: (Raising hand) I've yada yada'd sex.

George: Really?

Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.

Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.

Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.

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George:  Well who schedules his wedding on Super Bowl Sunday?

Jerry:  Maybe he didn't know?

George:  Lemme see.  I can't believe you got these for free. (Looking at the
tickets)  Row F?!

Jerry:  Row F, in front of the Gs, hobnobbing with the Ds and Es.

George:  How bout Kramer or Elaine, they don't want them?

Jerry:  I asked.  Elaine laughed at me, Kramer's only interested in Canadian
football.

 

Always laughed at this.

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JERRY: So what happened with Kramer's mother?

GEORGE: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.

JERRY: What's she like?

GEORGE: Oh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I was there I uh happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.

ELAINE: Ah, I'm ready what?

JERRY: What is it?

GEORGE: I uh got the first name.

ELAINE: You found out Kramer's first name?

GEORGE: That's right. You ready?

JERRY: We've been trying to get it out of him for ten years. What is it?

GEORGE: Cosmo

ELAINE: JERRY: Cosmo?

GEORGE: Cosmo

ELAINE: JERRY: Cosmo

- all laugh -

ELAINE: Cosmo, Cosmo?

Kramer enters

KRAMER: What's so funny? ... wha?

ELAINE: COSMO?

KRAMER: All right, OK So you the name now. The cat is .a a a .. out of the bag.

J; Well I got to hand it to you. You did a hell of a job keeping it a secret all these years.

ELAINE: It's not such a bad name.

KRAMER: Well you know all my life I've been running away from that name. That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer. And that's who I'm going to be. From now on that's who I'm going to be. I'm Cosmo!

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eorge : Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea.

Elaine : Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.

Jerry : You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cos salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.

George : Good for the tuna.

( A blonde looks at George )

Elaine : Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.

George : So what? What am I supposed to do?

Elaine : Go talk to her.

George : Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.

Jerry : Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.

George : Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.

Jerry : If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George : Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do

something!

( He goes over to the woman )

George : Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.

Victoria : Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me.

( G takes a deep breath )

George : My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Victoria : I'm Victoria. Hi.

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