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Showing content with the highest reputation since 09/13/25 in Articles
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The Leadup to The Swamp So it was a very strange couple of weeks leading up to travel to Gainesville. The Longhorns were coming off a bye, the fanbase and not just here is in a malaise around this team The opening results for Ohio State and the subsequent dogshit home schedule that did little to produce any excitement or optimism going into SEC play. Signing the 2025 Burnt Ends Contracts and doing the initial payouts and promotional stuff (linked to tailgate below) I was completely overloaded between: Fixing the iOS18 issue that was caused by fixing iOS26 for the users of the board who were inevitably going to come back for this game The tailgate + away watch party at Marlow My demanding day job Juggling my home life with my wife and 2 kids under 6 My Airbnb getting canceled on Tuesday leaving me without a place to stay in Gainesville for the weekend without shelling out 750+/night for a shithole. I can say as a pure fan, I was so excited to go to The Swamp, party my ass off, and hopefully come home with a tone setting win for the season. As you can imagine, this is not at all how the weekend went. The Tailgate Saga The Longhorn Swamp Cruise, a party I've been planning behind the scenes for quite some time and it was finally time to execute and commit on the site, the food, the experience and everything. If you haven't been to one of my parties, they are fucking badass I have a high standard for how I want to operate and how I see a complete fan experience adding an irreplaceable element to traveling fans experience in the city/stadium they are visiting. I work with RevelXP pretty closely as they own every site in the SEC (with the exception of Bama, who I have an existing relationship with). I figure out the site plan with them, where we want the tailgate to be and plan for baked in expansion from 350 to up to 1000 without the tents and without disrupting the rest of their thing. The site was sick absolute Prime Time location where we had not only where the red arrow is, but the entire boundary was the sidewalks you see around - We had the largest site on the entire campus of UF, with tons of tree coverage for shade, a less than 5 minute walk to the stadium and in the middle of the prime time stuff - EA Sports 25 was our neighbor, the Florida Family weekend was our other neighbor and behind us we had the Learfield Longhorn corporate whatever tailgate thing. Alright - site is set, and as I said I work pretty close with Revel and have a whole menu of what I want, I know I want it to be grab n go centric, no bartenders and no lines was the goal. University of Florida has a bunch of policies on who can actually cater on campus and how alcohol can be brought/sold, so I worked through all of that fairly quickly and identified a caterer who I had a ton of confidence in, they checked all the boxes and even elevated our menu with creative additions from their Head Chef who totally understood what we were going for. This place is called Sweetwater Inn, we were gonna have fucking beef wellington filet medallions, gator bites, minimal fried anything etc it was gonna be sick. I line up booze with Gator Beverage who is the near campus liquor store who knew what was up and I like to give fans a true experience of where we are going, I worked with them to source some awesome variety of local Gainesville Craft Beer, a healthy mix of RTD stuff and liquor/mixers/waters/sodas the works. I’m feeling great about the tailgate, start a vendor thread with the RevelXP site partner to just have everyone on the same page logistically when RevelXP tells me that UF on ONLY this site has exclusivity for catering through their university Palm and Pine Catering. I do a lot of business with Revel home and away so I am not trying to cause problems for them, but an option was to be able to bring it myself if I picked it up and dropped it off (or someone on the Tailgate team) in unmarked vehicles. The thing about the catering is we were going to need mobile refrigeration, some finishing stuff etc this made it logistically difficult, but I scoped it out and had a 9ft van reserved from Home Depot (Uhaul was already sold out). Was gonna do the morning and afternoon drops myself, Sweetwater was going to bring 5 and a site manager to do everything and manage coolers, food, flow, all of it. UF catches wind that we aren’t using them, heat comes onto RevelXP and I against my better judgement relented and went with the Palm and Pine just to make things easier for me personally and so that it wouldn’t mess up my relationship with a partner that enables us and does a great job. Big Mistake. The menu recreation was a very painful process and the Chef is immediately showing me tons of red flags that they aren’t up to the task. I express this in real time with Revel and they tell me they will make sure it’s all going to go right. Okay Fine. Ticket sales are weird, but not terrible, definitely not strong. There is confirmation that there’s going to be around 10k longhorns going to the game, I’m thinking worst case we just do a ton of day of sales and breakeven. Then the weather forecast comes in on Monday/Tuesday – completely fucked heavy rain thunderstorms. It’s too late to reduce the size of the food order for catering (amateur hour) and I’m stuck with food for 400 with ticket sales on pace to hit 200 by day of. Very Bad Vibes. My Airbnb cancels on me Tuesday evening. This is turning into a disaster, but I’m not ready to pull the plug and am committing to doing whatever I need to do to make this work. Hotels are insane, I need to wait for night of on hotels tonight/hotwire and just get a cheap room wherever or crash a couch. @treatyoak and @born have been helping a ton behind the scenes with flyers, video content for socials and guerilla marketing tailgate promo cards. I’m feeling good about our ways to get people to know about the game and print 5,000 of these cards for 140 dollars. Pick them up and look at them. Complete disaster on the cut/print side of things as their die/cut lines were way further out than stated in the template. Office Depot on South Lamar (shout out to the awesome staff) helped me trip 1,000 of them down to look viable Burnt Ends makes the promo video, it goes viral on Instagram and sales pop hard. SURLYHORNSBURNTENDSTAILGATE_REV1.mp4.726d9a7415d90d825c9cb211411117bf.mp4 I’m feeling way better, the forecast is clearing up to very mild rain partly cloudy all day and I think we’ll be fine and the day is gonna just work out well with a huge upside opportunity. I set the wristband pickup at MacDintons a campus bar in the thick of things from 7-10 and feel good about selling more there as we see eventual people coming in. I’m melting down from the stress of it all, but am excited to finally get on site and really get after it. Friday – Travel Day! Wake up a completely nervous wreck, needing to do an incredible amount of sales (40k in a single day) to feel completely at ease for Saturday. I had 1,000 of these cards and packed my suitcases full of everything I could possibly need at the tailgate. HDMI cables, HDMI Splitter, power cords, 3.5mm adapters, 3.5mm audio cables, sleeping bag and camping pillows, you name it I had it in a bag along with the starlink for internet when Gainesville cell towers would predictably shit the bed. I can’t focus on anything day job related and just decide fuck it I’m gonna go to the airport and hand out cards to every burnt orange wearing person (two direct GNV flights) I see. The AA flight and the Delta Flight both leave around 2-3PM, it’s 10AM. I get to the airport, check the tailgate bag, carry on the other bag and have backpack stuff to the gills with everything. I’m walking around and the longhorns that I talk to are all not going to the game, I don’t force things with them and just wander around. About 30 minutes of that and I’m really just not in a good place – I had told Will Matthews we were going to meet up and hang out in the delta lounge and catch up (we were on the same flight), so I say fuck it and go into the lounge to wait for him. I go out and meet him and talk to some Longhorn faithful in the process, explain to him how far behind we are and just try to go to the lounge and really have a good conversation with a friend of mine who also loves the Longhorns. About 30 minutes before boarding starts, I was like I’m gonna go down there and pass out cards at the gate, we go down I start doing my thing, meet a few people who were already going, people are generally receptive and saying they’ll make it and a few sales start rolling in. I’m feeling good our conversion rate will be high if I talk to people and tell them about how awesome the food and experience is gonna be. I get a call from the alcohol delivery guy saying that he needs help unloading this massive order – I tlel him I’m about to get on the plane and I’ll be there asap to pick up whatever, then we take off. Uneventful flight Land in GNV and I told Will I was gonna start a Texas Fight when we got there. I lead the chant it went off great, but with a lot of nervous energy clearly in the air. My plan for post landing in GNV: 1. Get Rental Car – Full Size SUV, reserved. 2. Go to Walmart on the way into town and buy 3 43” TV’s some 25ft HDMI cables, extension cables and pairing Bluetooth party speakers (for game sound/music at tailgate) 3. Go give BobbyB wristbands to check people in while I go do a site walk 4. Go do a site walk, drop off all the AV stuff and set up the starlink and test it - visualize what I need to change and make a list for little things that we are missing 5. Go back to MacDintons and have a few beers while handing out wristbands and hopefully selling 100+ extras outside the check ins. 6. Find a place to sleep that’s reasonable $$ or park somewhere and sleep in the empty SUV/Camp on the site/whatever What Actually Happened Deplane, Bags are there nearly immediately, nothing is broken. Score. Rental Car Lines are not long, but I go to the wrong counter (budget instead of alamo), waste about 5 minutes because of that then get in the Alamo line, vibes are good everyone on the plane is complaining about ubers being terrible and how fun the party is gonna be tomorrow. Still lots of nervous energy, but trending positive. Guy in front of me gets his car, guy behind the counter says oh it’s the last full size SUV he has – it’s 3 people with minimal bags…I’m like whatever they’ll have a standard SUV or mid-size which will be fine. Get up to the counter and start the process, Nope he gave away my car to these folks and all he has left is compact and intermediate cars which won’t fit the stuff. I explain to him I’ll take anything, even a van – he calls the lot and asks for turn ins, there’s a minivan. Hell yeah. They are turning it over and giving it to me. 10 minutes behind schedule at this point, not too shabby. Feeling like luck is on my side. Car takes about 35 minutes to get ready and get the keys. Walmart is out of the question because I gotta get Bobby the wristbands ASAP. Along the way I met two guys who were SOL and didn’t have a rental car reservation and couldn’t get an uber because they kept canceling on them and offered them a ride downtown since I was headed there. They didn’t know where they were staying but were gonna find a motel or something, so whatever I help them out no sweat. Bobby calls me and says MacDintons has a $20 cover and people can’t just come in and there’s a massive line to get in the wristband situation is fucked. I don’t have an audible to call, so I am just gonna meet people out front after giving bobby wristbands. I decide fuck it I’ll just send it and park and stay then go to Walmart at 10PM – I got a site video from RevelXP and that was good enough for me to plan. MacDintons is a fucking disaster, but oh my fucking god the amount of smoking hot ass (cheeks) out and about was actually impressive. There is no shortage of eye candy there and it’s a very very strong Florida vibe. Don’t get to hang out with my friends that were there to meet me and chill, tell the quick recap and that I don’t have a room. Boom, friend has an extra hotel room because the “vibes were off” in the accessible room they got at the hyatt place downtown. Hilton fixed it and they just left the other room with them so they handed me the keys with the stipulation that I had to be checked out by 11AM next day. I was like fuck yeah, free room for a night one problem solved! Wristbands are weird, but we sell 10+ right off the bat and hand out another 30+ pre-check in. It’s 7PM and I’m calling it cuz bobby can just hand them out and no one else is coming cuz of the cover thing. I’ve got 4 tablets for self check in the next day so it should be smooth. I need to get to Walmart and to site – so I bail and head to Walmart. Florida Walmarts are absolutely fucking insane. Some of you may remember our Walmart trip on the way to Tuscaloosa, it was funny and we saw some toothless folks and some people who looked like they grew up in the hills. Florida Walmarts are on a whole different fucking level of crazy, so much so I had to call RGBIII immediately. This is quite possibly the largest Walmart I’ve ever been to in my life – I knew they had stock of the speakers I wanted because I had called ahead. Football field for scale. The clientele skews heavily black and Florida fat white crazy bitch + old vet Geezer. Very fucking Florida. I beeline to the electronics section and tell the associate I’m gonna need some help checking out and getting all the stuff outside. They look at me perplexed as if I just need help picking something out and putting it in a cart, I tell them no I’m gonna buy [insert list here]. They are like holy shit, uh yeah we will help you. I wait my turn for help, then go and ask what is the cheapest TV’s they have, get the speakers, find the extension cords, buy 3 4 ft collapsable tables to up them on, an additional router to handle more than 200 clients on starlink. I get it all. Alright that was mostly painless, it’s 815ish and I’ll have plenty of time to drop off at site then cruise around and sell more wristbands and hang with friends/get drunk and party. Card Declines. Get the standard text message, whatever it’s a 1k purchase at a Walmart in Florida and it tripped fraud detection. Send it’s me and wait a minute try again. Declined. WTF, I try again a few more times, chip isn’t working quite right it’s a bit of a mess. Get a text from Wells Fargo again, this time saying call the fraud department immediately. I call the number, get on with someone in less than 2 minutes. Explain that yes, I am buying a bunch of stuff at Walmart and please reactivate my card, they reactivate the card and say wait 5 minutes and try again. I’m cutting up with the staff at Walmart and am honestly in people watching heaven, so much going on at this Florida Walmart for entertainment value. Who knew simple things like getting a new prepaid phone could be so fun! We retry after 5 minutes. Declined. WHAT THE FUCK, I’m starting to get pissed, it’s been 15 minutes at the checkout and I can’t get the card to take. They’ve got other customers that need help and are starting to get irate, but it’s hilarious to watch. They save the ticket to a resume barcode and move on while I try to figure this out. I get another text from Wells Fargo saying call the fraud department immediately. I somehow get connected with the exact same guy who just unlocked my card 10 minutes ago. He’s like oh ok, well I’ll give you a higher activation and it’ll definitely work. You can try again immediately. Scan in the ticket, have to manually decline all the extended warranty for 12 items or whatever and finally it’s ready to go. Approved! Hell yeah I’m out this bitch! It’s 8:35, not doing too bad! Dude can’t get the anti-theft lines off the TV – stuck another 15 minutes, finally get out around 9PM, damn its late, but at least I’m not fucked. I invite one of the funny checkout girls in the electronic dept to the party and gave her a wristband. (she didn’t show) Booze delivery guy got everything delivered except the mixers and a few little things, I drop in to gator beverage to pick that stuff up and load it into the car and go to site to unload everything. Get help from the site guys with a golfcart to load, move and unload everything and make a plan for the next morning mentally. 20251003_212228.mp4 VID_20251005_185006_666.mp4 It’s 11PM, I’m getting the fuck out of here and landing at the hotel and going out and trying to sell wristbands/push the tailgate. Sales are not good, I still need to sell 150 to break even and 400 would be great. Park the van, come out and boom run into some plane people who are now shitfaced, but had been handing out cards for me as they went places. I wanna go put my stuff down and meet them for a drink. I go put stuff in the hotel room and god damnit if my IRL friend wasn’t right. Weirdest fucking vibe in a room I’ve ever stayed in. Just an awkward amount of space and used in the weirdest way possible. I am in complete disarray about the sales not going well and trying to pull a miracle out, but am also exhausted and need to get some sleep. I go downstairs and can’t find drunk couple and just turn around and go back up shower and try to get to sleep to wake up the next day and get to site at 6AM to set everything up. SATURDAY So here was the plan: 1. Get to site at 6AM 2. Get sound going and speakers tested and paired/charged 3. Get TV’s put together and up on the tables they were going to go on for the best viewing experience for everyone 4. Get early beers on ice and early water on ice for the degenerates. 5. Crush my first beer at daybreak 6. Set up starlink and get it calibrated 7. Set up all the self check in tablets 8. Set up the livestream cam with all day battery 9. Test Stripe tap to pay on the 3 phones I brought 10. Get Site redone for flow instead of a buffet setup that they had 11. Get 1st drop food served and all the booze in coolers 12. Go peddle tickets all over campus to anyone wearing burnt orange – Sell out (600 total, 350 that day) 13. Check on 2nd drop food and then party until the game and just MC and vibe check 14. Go to the Game and destroy the gators at the swamp 15. Break down my shit and pack up tailgate except for beer. 16. Afterparty at the tailgate to laugh at how bad everyone else sucks until we run out of beer 17. Sleep in the van after going to downtown bars brown out/black out drunk I get to site, and things are going smooth. I get the speakers out, turn them on test max volume and put on Gangstas Paradise by Coolio (rip) – pair the speakers and test the total soundstage, then test the wireless mic setup. video_2025-10-05_18-54-29.mp4 20251004_063332.mp4 I open the TV’s and the cheapo ones need to have the feet screwed in, lame, but I have a screwdriver so it’s alright. It’s dark as fuck and it’s hard to figure out which direction these legs go, I have to redo them a few times and then a RevelXP guy gave me a headlamp – dramatically increases my effectiveness. Get everything up and going, then I’m gonna get ready for game sound on the TV’s. FUCKING CHEAPO TV’S DON’T HAVE BLUETOOTH! The site TV’s didn’t either, the one thing I didn’t bring (which I have) is a Bluetooth to 3.5mm dongle. FML, no game sound on the speakers. Kind of the first fuckup of the day, but not a big deal because the music was pretty much a vibe and no one cared about the game audio or gameday. Right after I get that set up I do the starlink, works great, pair all the tablets works great all is good and smooth. First people show up right at 8AM and we crack our first beer. He helps me put a bunch of beers in the cooler and on ice and we have a pleasant time while I’m kinda doing some scrambling around picking the site up from the mess I’ve made of boxes and wires (lawn staples to keep people from tripping etc. Catering people show up, we reconfigure the whole tented area and set up for first round of food. There is Spinach dip – I did not order spinach dip it was never on the menu we discussed, but it’s not a bad thing just a wtf I didn’t wanna pay for this. I’m totally done with everything way ahead of schedule in my mind, probably 8:30AM. Hornian is there at this point and Bobby shows up and I’m chillin and doing wristbands for people walking up and checking in and figuring out how we can sell more tickets. The reality sets in that I’m starting the day 38k in the hole. I NEED to SELL 200 more tickets just to break even. I look around and we are set up so early – we are the biggest group out on the quad at ESPN gameday start with a good group of about 30-50 people already congregating and having fun. Vibing out playing Texas tracks. There is no one else out, foot traffic is minimal, not a lot of burnt orange that I’m seeing. I decide around 10:15 that I need to make a big push and walk south towards the parking lots – completely dominated by gators, not a longhorn to be seen. I turn around after about 10 minutes of that and decide to walk to the main drag at stadium and university. Stand there and walk through multiple tailgating areas, the University of Florida sign and hand out hundreds of cards and talk to people. Lots of people saying they wanna check it out and I’m feeling alright. Sales are rolling in pretty steadily, but it’s nowhere near a pace that is gonna sell what we need and people just weren’t out. We are talking about clumps of 3-5 turning into 10-20, but no globs of hundreds or thousands like on campus at DKR. Very strange as the noon eastern games kick off I decide I’m just gonna build a contingent and march them to the tailgate. Gave out a few MULEDICK promo codes to a surly user, got about 9 people to follow me back to the tailgate just as the 2nd food drop was going in. I tried everything, it was all okay – I could complain, but at this point I’m just glad it’s not terrible… At this point the tailgate is full, but not packed like it should have been. Then I get to the star of the tailgate, the Gator Bites. I’m excited and grab one pop it in my mouth expecting a meaty pop like a juicy chicken nugget, what I got instead was like a hushpuppy flavor and a cornbread texture. I thought I was going crazy and so I picked another one up and just pulled it open with my hands. I asked an innocent bystander incredulously “do you see any fucking gator?” to which they promptly replied “haha, no is that supposed to be gator?” Mother fucker. I go and grab the catering lead, immediately escalate and then take them over to the gator bites and say grab one and eat it. They didn’t want to and I’m doing my best not to go full Gordon Ramsay I explain to them that I am acutely aware this is not their fault and that I’m not in any way mad at them, but I need them to absorb and communicate the situation all the way to the chef. I proceed to take another “gator bite” and pull it open and ask her to point to the gator for me. She obviously cannot, and is kind of baffled and I said now go talk to whoever you need and find me the gator bites I’m sure it’s just a mistake. Head of catering comes out to try to smooth things over and I tell them if they want to try and tell me these are gator bites to have the head fucking chef come out and do it himself. Site lead comes back and says the Chef says that’s the gator bites and proceeds to show me a picture of BOXED GATOR BITES FROM CISCO OR BEN E KEITH. In our contract it was explicitly written that it was locally sourced gator, cubed lightly breaded and fried. Needless to say I told them the “gator bites” needed to be removed. They scramble to replace with anything they have on hand and apparently they have some crabcakes at this point I don’t care and they bring them – they are barely passable. I’m doing about $500 every 5 minutes in sales, which gives me hope, but then it dries up quick and comes in spurts – total we did about 4k in walkup sales on top of doing another 8k or so in online sales. I’m admitting defeat and I just wanna hang out at my own damn tailgate for a little bit before the game and get pumped for this fucking beatdown that Texas is about to deliver. I’m getting the crowd pumped announce the plans for the afterparty and then I finally get to sit for the first time all day and relax with some of my friends. That lasted for about 20 minutes and then everyone was headed off to the game, meanwhile one of our potential commercial partners Tailgreeter was coming to the site to talk. The head of RevelXP Florida, the head of Tailgreeter and I have about a half hour long pow wow on the day, business and a path forward right next to the leftover booze since it’s obvious that we are going to lose a shitload of money on the day, but the party was fucking fantastic and it was just a headscratcher on what happened commercially. I shotgun a beer and walk to the stadium with a roadie talking business until the ticket line with Tailgreeter homie. I cannot let the tailgate ruin my day – Texas is about to play in the fucking Swamp and I’m feeling like this team is gonna come out and really have it turned around and play with a chip on their shoulder. I talk to some hilarious Florida fans, they ask about my shirt I tell them all about Burnt Ends and NIL, they are shocked at how cool Texas fans have been. They keep talking mad shit about DJ “Bagway” and Billy Napier and telling me they are a basketball school. They are worried we are gonna miss kickoff and I said no way the flyover hasn’t even happened yet! They were like “what are they gonna fly over, helicopters?” To which I kind of looked at them confused and said “Are there no planes around here?”, then they told me that they very rarely have flyovers and I’m still just confused and tell them that there’s one at every Texas game. We wish eachother luck and I head to my sick 40 yard line behind the bench seats, pumped. video_2025-10-05_19-00-19.mp4 video_2025-10-05_19-00-00.mp4 I get to my seat and an idiot Texas fan who didn’t come to my fucking party was in my seat, kickoff was just about to happen and I was like look I just wanna watch the game, so I’ll stand in a different seat till someone shows up. They made a deal out of it and I just tuned them out and ended up next to a younger Florida fan and a grumpy Longhorn fan who wouldn’t engage to talk about the game or what was going on and his wife who was nice. Behind me was a pair of old women who were split Florida and Texas and then in front there were a healthy mix of Florida and Texas fans in clumps. Overall a great vibe – young Gator fan was talking plenty of shit, but in the friendly type of way – great banter. One of my favorite exchanges with him was when arch broke off the 30 yarder and he said “that’s more than your running backs combined in one play!” to which I retorted “Calm down Mr. Tim Tebow school”. The atmosphere in The Swamp was worthy of every single bit of hype I’ve ever heard. The place was FUCKING ROCKING. The product on the field was obviously shit, that’s not what this story is about. Some of my favorite things about the stadium in no particular order: · The lack of artificial sound/music all the time between plays · The lack of massive jumbotrons being distracting, modest and simple is good · Great announcers · Awesome cross fanbase collab from a UT Austin Graduate Executive at Gatorade – classy as fuck · MOVE BACK! YOU SUCK! · Gator chomp · Tom Petty song thing · The sunken field and it’s general acoustics About 3 minutes before halftime I said fuck it I’m gonna piss before it gets crazy and I ran into Mike from last stand hats as he recognized me and pulled me aside. Asked how tailgate went, but he already knew and we vibed out for a bit and talked ball. I invited him back to help us finish some of the beer that was left even if it was not the result we wanted. He was convinced we were fucked, I was still optimistic that it as a 12 point game. At one point things were very bleak for the Longhorns and the Gators could have ended the game with a first. Big penalty gives Texas life stops the clock and basically forces a punt. Huge fuck up by the Gators to give the Longhorns life and the stadium knows it. It's quiet. Longhorn fans are apprehensive and gator fans have no reason to make noise. I wait about 3-4 seconds then stand up and yell MOVE BACK! YOU SUCK! everyone blue and orange equally in section 36 and 35 laugh their asses off and I get a bunch of "you got us goods" from Gator fans. I stay through the end of the game, and walk back to the tailgate to break down and drink as much as possible to deal with the reality that I just lost a bunch of fucking money, the longhorns actually fucking suck this year, and that I had an impossible amount of beer for even 100 people to consume at an afterparty. I call the Alumni Officer for the Florida Lambda Chi Alpha chapter and tell him, “hey I’ve got about 50 cases of beer, they are y’alls you just gotta come get them”. This is the equivalent response I got but via voice on the other side of the phone. A lot of stammering and figuring out how to get there in the crazy traffic and I told him hey we will be here for a few hours at least just get here when it dies down. About 12 people show up and we get to work, I’m grumpy as fuck and just nursing a drink while I’m boxing up the TV’s the speakers, the wires everything. I’m hollering at any pretty ladies or longhorns to come consume with us, hardly any takers except some young hotties from “Santa Fe College” which is UF’s “sister school” in Gainesville haha. I finally wrap up and at this point I’ve got a good buzz and just start telling stories with everyone. A poster from Tulsa was there, it was good times just kicking it. Then the Lamba Chi’s finally commit to an eta to get their beer, so I’m organizing carts to take it over to where they can load up. I’m walking back to the tent beer in hand and notice some guy walking off with one of the speakers in the box. I sternly, but normal outside voice say “hey you!” he ignores me. I get loud, Texas fight chant loud, and say “HEY YOU!” still ignores me. Then I get full on metal vocals loud and say “HEY I’M TALKING TO YOU WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH MY SPEAKER” as I’m running up on this guy. That gets his attention quick and he turns around and says “I’m just trying to listen to some music”, I replied “Yeah that’s my speaker”, he turns and starts walking away and I was like “Give me my fucking speaker” and turned him around and took it from him. He then started arguing with me about not letting him use it and I just turn around and walk away. I tell him no and to go back to his tent. This fucking idiot comes at me from behind after I had turned around and I saw because I was looking over my shoulder still and I turned around and told him “I JUST HAD THE WORST SATURDAY I CAN REMEMBER AND YOU ARE ABOUT TO HAVE A WORSE FUCKING DAY” At this point 4 revelxp people had run up onto the scene, Mike was standing up coming that way. They are apologizing profusely to me as they watched the whole interaction go down. I calmed down immediately as I didn’t really realize how hot I had gotten being in a bad mood. We call over some more ladies, one of them takes a full bottle of ice cold Sauv Blanc with her, another took an 8 pack of Surfsides. Another group took a case of High noons and some of the revel guys took a sixer of some of the beers. Didn’t even put a dent in the frat haul. We load up all that, they get it into the cars and then we are loading out my tvs, tables and speakers and I notice one of the 3 TVs is missing and think I’m going crazy and that maybe I just put it under a table cloth on accident. Nope. Its proper gone. RevelXP Sales VP for the Southeast region comes up and is like oh no and ends up finding it at the speaker guys tent. He’s now banned from all RevelXP sites for life. We laugh all this off as we are polishing off the cooler, everyone says their goodbyes as we cut the generator and I get a ride to my minivan downtown from the 2nd lambda chi car that has my stuff and about 12 cases of beer in it. We do a hilarious shuffle of moving things from his car to mine at the garage while blocking some poor people in who wanted to leave for like 5 minutes but they were cool. At this point I’m starting to turn a corner and evolve my thinking entirely away from the game and more onto what I’m gonna get into for the rest of the evening in Gainesville. The Lambda Chi’s graciously invited me to the house to meet the guys and see the place. I oblige and meet them at the frat house after I talked to my wife on the phone for about 15 minutes and caught up on the weekend’s happenings and told her that I’m done with tailgate stuff. (a more formal announcement on plans later, but yeah I’m done in the current form or anything similar) The Frat Saga I get out expecting to just go inside say hi, shake the President’s hand and get a tour then be on my way. Instead I get out of the minivan and am walking over and see a car parked in the grass, and thought they were just unloading from the car – nope some chick clearly wasted just in her car in the lawn. I wave and proceed to the front door of this massive house. I know absolutely no one that is inside, but wave in the window after knocking. This is already getting weirder than I wanted and I’m fucking old – what the fuck am I doing at this frat house. A completely shitfaced kid opens the door and lets me in. The house is TRASHED. I introduce myself as a Texas Lambda Chi Alum (I am actually an initiated member at the Texas chapter for those that don’t know) and told them I think they were unloading some of the beer I gave them. These guys are full on Welcome me in and offer me one of my beers. I oblige, I’m feeling the situation out and watching the Miami Florida State game with them answering questions on why I have 50 extra cases of beer and just in general vibe checking things. More people start to congregate in the common area as news has spread that there’s a ton of beer there now. A bunch of recent graduates were there partying as well, I gravitated towards them in conversation asking about their adventures into adulthood we start chopping it up vibes are good. For the first time all day I’m finally not feeling any stress. I go full degen, I’m keeping up with the youngins – and then some Indian kid who is maybe 5’5 155 walks in with a MAGA hat on, just a goofy looking kid. I ask him if he’s wearing that ironically and everyone laughs and it’s clear he’s one of the “troll for reaction” types in the frat. I get a good laugh from it and we continue drinking and stuff. I get a tour of the house, and I’m taking into a room that has the fake taxi logo on it and I’m like oh God what’s behind this door. They were like you gotta check out so and so’s room haha. Door opens and it’s pitch black with strobing colored lights and soundproofing visible on all the walls and immediately huge volume erupts from the door – I enter the room there’s 3 chicks and 2 dudes just listening to crazy electronic music in front of lights. The bed has red satin sheets and one of the guys and 2 of the girls are there. It’s really dark outside of the strobing and I don’t wanna get involved in a weird orgy or something so I’m kinda staying by the door and not trying to be a part of the room. I’m still very much the old man who is weirdly there, don’t want to fuck up the welcome vibe. We leave after about a minute of me laughing and asking about the sound proofing and check out the library, then the rest of the common area, kitchen and the backyard. Really cool setup they have there. Then we start drinking with purpose, I mention that I have all kinds of speakers and tailgate stuff in the van so we go get that and set it up and get ready to throw another party and invite everyone over. Girl start appearing out of everywhere, hallways, doors the outside etc. I’m laughing and having a good time with some of the other alums that are there. I tell a joke to some of these girls asking them if they wanna see my minivan and all the cool shit I have inside. They play along and we actually go outside to check out the minivan I have all the tailgate stuff in there, I open up the crazy bag of cables and starlink and they are laughing and impressed that all the absurd things I was saying were actual truths. It's that time of the night where you are fucked up, and what better idea is there than to go to the bars? Turns out one of the guys in that crazy room was a Ron Weasley Doppelganger of a ginger. Hilarious crew of misfits we have assembled and of course that’s at 12:45AM, the bars close at 2. We hop in an uber and go downtown, then midtown, then back downtown all over Gainesville it was impressive how much ground we covered in such a short amount of time both walking and via car. One of the guys with us had one of those Florida colored overalls and some thicc black ladies were cat calling him. They didn’t wanna interact but I couldn’t resist. They wanted to know how much money it would take for him to give them his overalls on the spot. They offered $50 to open, he said he paid $100 and I was like how about $220 and then they were like “AWWWWW HELL NAW” we had a lot of funny banter after that then ended the night out and went back to the frat house, drank more and realized fuck I have to drive to the airport and all this shit in like 4 hours. I take a shower, change into new clothes, pull out the CPAP and my sleeping bag/pillows from my bag that I had packed to sleep in the van. They present me with this top tier donor shot glass Plug in, put in my noise canceling sleep headphones and zonk out at around 3AM. SUNDAY TO-DO LIST: 1. Drop off stuff with guy with RV to mule back to Austin (speakers, 3 tvs, 3 tables) by 7AM 2. Get gas before turning in rental car 3. Do not miss flight at 11:55 to Austin Not a bad day agenda. Wake up without any dicks drawn on me thankfully and pack up my sleeping back, cpap and hop in the car and drive to the RV park, get there on time to unload and then decide I haven’t eaten properly in 3 days so I should get some breakfast. Stop at Waffle House in Gainesville, am the only patron it sucks and I take a massive shit in the bathroom and pay and leave. Get gas, get the airport, get through security by 830AM. I started writing this around then, then a Longhorn takeover of the airport happens from 9-boarding due to 2 directs from GNV to AUS. Tell a few stories with people, but mainly talk to Will Matthews about what our thoughts on the team are and how much we fucking hate OU. Ran into drunk couple again, exchanged contact info. Boarded, wrote some more of this until I was actually nodding off and then zonked out until landing. Made it home by 2:45PM. I hope you subscribe to my newsletter, or better yet to this website. It helps me do stupid shit like this and share it with you all.3 points
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The one week a year where I get to just be a fan A lot of you probably read my post from last weeks absolute shitshow of a weekend. I remember telling my wife on the phone on the way to the Lambda Chi house at UF when she asked if I was still going to Dallas with my oldest Gunnar the next weekend. I told her honestly “I don’t fucking know”, I was so defeated and mentally exhausted from everything that had just transpired. The season felt over to me, Oklahoma did not seem like they sucked this season and if they beat Texas that next Saturday the season was actually over in trainwreck fashion before the second half of the year. Then I got drunk about it with a bunch of kids from a “basketball school”. Within hours of being a complete pussy about even going to the game that I circle on the calendar and look forward to more than any other game every year I am back mentally where I needed to be. I fire off an it’s 11:35AM ET and ou STILL SUCKS text to the Burnt Ends, to which I promptly receive an appropriate two word response from the locker room. FUCK OU! I immediately change the site motto to these wise words, board my plane back to Austin and look forward to what is supposed to be the best week of shit talking in sports. There’s all kinds of hate week threads that pop up, namely the annual GIF thread, the Oklahoma head coach <insert something unhatable here> thread and inevitably the hate filled haiku thread. Everything about this week is fantastic and it always culminates with me getting to spend some time as a normal fan with some of my closest friends watching the game and drinking all the wax cup beer they will let me. I barely miss flag football, but make it home in time to spend the majority of the day with the family. My wife goes to a movie and I get the kids for the evening, my ankle is jacked from all the walking I did trying to sell tickets so I can’t do much chasing, but get into our pool which is a refresher. Settling in for the week ahead and feeling pretty good about it by the time I crawl in bed. “Sorry I’m not going to make it for ou” I get word/confirmation from my best friend he’s bailing on TX ou weekend, not that I give a single fuck about any excuses, but he has a 7 month old at home. I do my best to convince him to come anyway to no avail. The hangover that never came from the party in the swamp is showing up in my life in the form of harsh realities that stem directly from what happened there. I’m getting nothing but bad news, bad vibes and when I come to Surly instead of a bunch of ou focused shit talk it’s a complete fucking meltdown. I join the meltdown for a day until… ASSWATER The absolute catharsis that came from watching this video in it’s entirety and the reminder it served on how much I really just fucking hate ou. I turn a corner and start to really ratchet up things. Texting my friends, getting ready for the weekend and planning what’s going to go on, generally getting my mind right. By Wednesday I’m on a full on tear – I’m tired of all the pussy shit I’m seeing all over the board and I start to lose it on everyone. I have to go to Jonestown to pick up all the tailgate shit that got muled back from Florida and have breakfast with @DanTheHorn, he can tell you that my excitement for the weekend is becoming overwhelming and I can’t wait until Friday to leave, me and my oldest son Gunnar take off Thursday night after dinner ~5:30PM as he doesn’t have school Friday or Monday. Buc-cee’s is fucking awesome #wishIwassponsored We make it to Temple before we need to gas up, so I take Gunnar to Buc-cee’s for the first time ever. He’s losing it and gets a sliced brisket sandwich and a cherry lime soda. I’m building core memories for what it means to do TX/ou weekend for the rest of his life. It’s not just about the game, it’s about everything around it including the trip up. It’s why College Football hits different, and it’s what being a true degenerate Texas Longhorns fan is all about. 20251009_204321.mp4 Traffic is ASSWATER We hit delay after delay, it’s wild that the Thursday before the game we are in so much traffic and we don’t get to Fort Worth to stay with my parents until 9:45 at night. A 4:15 drive that should have taken 3:30 with our stop. Whatever I’m buzzin’ at this point I’m in the metroplex and I know I have a big weekend ahead so I zonk out ASAP. IT’S FRIDAY BEFORE TX/ou MOTHER FUCKERS I have a pretty easy weekend Itinerary: 1. Get to Dallas and eat a late lunch/early dinner at Campisis with @BurntEyes, as is tradition. 2. Get to Lee Harvey’s around 5PM to kick the weekend off with some of my favorite people 3. Dinner plans 8PM at Loro in Dallas with 2 of my best friends who live in the city. 4. Party until there’s no more party 5. Scoop my Mom and Son up at ~8:40 from the TRE station in Dallas 6. Park and head into the Fair by 9:30 7. Beat the absolute hell out of ou at 2:30 8. Send Mom and Son home in my car 9. Go out and party some more 10. Get home by 12:30 for Flag Football Sunday I get up and I’m completely healed of whatever ailment I had from the swamp, there is no malaise here there’s nothing but love for the longhorns and hate in my heart for the sooners. I’ve got a bunch of work shit I need to get done, but it doesn’t phase me and I’m blowing through it. I don’t have that much from a commitment perspective going on, but I still had stuff that I wanted to get done before ultimately going out and partying until somehow I made it to the fair on Saturday. I take off for Dallas. I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter I meant to go get a beard trim to look like I haven’t been in the woods for a month before heading up to Dallas and just didn’t end up doing it before I was there. I start calling barber shops on I-30 corridor all the way to Dallas to see if anyone has some walk in availability to get it done. No one really does, until Dallas – I find this place and walk in, sit down in the barber chair and tell them beard trim and shampoo me I’m kicking off a weekend bender. I bullshit with the barber while he’s trimming and edging me up – I don’t have my glasses on and I usually just trust these folks they were legitimate and he was on top of it. I know it’s not going to be like any other beard trim I’ve gotten when he pulls out the stencil thing and starts marking up the lines. Nice – I’m gonna be fresh AF. Now I have mostly experience with places like SHED in Austin, hipster barber shops for mainly white people. This place serviced a bit of a different demographic (Read: Black and Hispanic). He washes my hair and makes it look pretty awesome. I put my glasses back on and I have to laugh a little bit – I’m edged up like Bad Bunny. lol thin ass mustache and low cheek beard. Much better, but not the “Mel Gibson” he told me he gave me. lol. Head to Campisis and tell @BurntEyes to order ahead as I’m running about 15-20 minutes behind. Get to Campisis and it’s nowhere near the same buzz in there as usual before a game. It’s got it’s fair share of fans, but it feels flat. Our server is obviously having some kind of episode and is struggling with the basics. Have a great pizza, some ravioli and cheesy bread. We are talking about how we feel about the game and how much ou still fucking sucks. I know I need to eat well so that I can have a long night. I say fuck it and crush 2 beers while I’m there and we take off to get to Lee Harvey’s and since I’m not opening the tab this year I can be “fashionably late” as they say. Roll in at around 5:30 and ou STILL SUCKS, @luke duke had just gotten the first bucket of beers and @TxEx84 was there as well. Smiles, Longhorns and cold beer. I go inside and open a $200 bartab (thanks @RPM). MULEDICK. I open the tab with the bartender who is there every year, but it’s been a while since we’ve done it not at the pool. I ask him to tell me when the tab hits $160 so we can close it for $200 and he sorta looks at me like I’m regarded and says why don’t you just ask me when you come in here. I was like well anyone who tells you surlyhorns or MULEDICK is on the tab, then *click* he remembers our group and changes his demeanor. I give him my card and he looks at it and announces to the bar that he’s never seen a card with MULEDICK as the name before. I order a double tall ranchwater. What a fucking time. It takes a good 30 minutes for more people to trickle in, and we get a good group going. I’m recanting my Florida story to a guy who hasn’t been in lulz and has been avoiding the board – it’s a vibe. One of my best friends, an aggy, shows up and brings out a shot for me. I’m rolling and feeling fantastic about the direction of the weekend. I’m talking shit to every sooner I see and throwing up the horns to any burnt orange I don’t know. @Born Burnt shows up and we shoot some gonzo stuff – the bartender had been trained on an order a double tall ranchwater is now known as an ASSWATER on MULEDICK. SurlyHornsLeeHarveys.mp4.33af176a1c4e7d83a9d228ae1012f011.mp4 Alright – I’m feeling great. Fuck the sooners we are going to eat a fantastic dinner at Loro with my aggy friend his wife and my Longhorn friend and his soon to be fiancée. We roll up and park, get inside and it’s just…not the vibe. We get in line we are ready to order and it’s just kind packed full of Dallas-ites. It just doesn’t feel right. I say fuck it lets go to Bob’s which has been a thing we’ve been doing the last 2 years or so. We roll up into Bob’s, my friend lives close by so the car is stashed there and we have a purpose. Do you member that one time we almost got kicked out of Bob’s? I member Bob’s is an epic feast and we aren’t going from 0-100, we are going 0-130. We are proper fucked at this point and the night is young. My aggy friend is mouthing off entirely too much about how they are gonna run through Florida and I stupidly make a $200 dollar bet on the game and his wife holds each of our $200 in “escrow” (her purse). It’s nearly 11PM ou STILL SUCKS and we’ve still got 3 hours worth of bars to fuck up and talk shit to sooners in preparation for the next day. We get the ladies home, my responsible longhorn friend stays back and it’s down to just me and my aggy bff. We tear up uptown the best we can, but inevitably end up at a nice whiskey/cocktail bar where we are having night caps and chatting more than we are raging at the packed bars that we went to before. We close out the night at the bars. FUCK, WHERE ARE MY CAR KEYS I’m so hammered and worried about the next day where in less than 5 hours I’m going to be picking up my mom and son from the train station. I panic and can’t find my keys in my pockets. Damnit. I’m ubering back to my friends place where I am staying and where the car is parked – I have a habit or just leaving my keys in my car and figured that’s what I did and needed to check. I walk up on my car and it’s locked. FUCK I don’t ever lock my car – this is the time where I get a call from @tex48. He’s been assaulted in the lobby of his hotel and is covered in blood telling me he’s talking to the cops and needs to go to the hospital. Damnit. This sucks. He’s going to the game and sitting with my 66 year old mother tomorrow while Gunnar sits with me in some seats I had already secured. Well after all this mischief being managed and me walking back to bars trying to retrace steps and find keys…I go into my friends place to sit down and figure out what to do next and…lo and behold I had wisely given my keys up at Bob’s before we went out to avoid any temptation of being an idiot. They were on the night stand for me. It’s nearly 6AM ou STILL SUCKS and I’ve gotta get whatever sleep I can. I wake up from my phone ringing – It’s 7:51AM ou STILL SUCKS and I’ve slept maybe a good hour and a half. They made it on the 7:48 train departing Fort Worth and are headed to Dallas. I try to go back to sleep for at least 30 more minutes and just can’t. I buy 2 seats the row behind where mine are for my mom and Gunnar for face. I get up go expel any and all evil that’s left inside of me and get in the shower, then that evolves into laying down for a warm bath. All I can think about is how much I fucking hate the entire state of oklahoma and how the Longhorns are going to beat the ever living fuck out of the sooners today for my son’s first game inside the Legendary Cotton Bowl for the greatest and most unique college football game in existence. I get my shit together and am out the door on track to pick them up from Victory station at 8:41AM. I’m about a block away and she calls me saying they are headed towards LBJ/UNION STATION and I was like oh alright I guess y’all must have missed getting off – confusion happens when traveling with a 5 year old totally understandable…I plug it into maps and I’m headed there, it’s a bit further north and I’m 10 minutes away. Mom calls me about 7 minutes later and says we just got off the train, and I’m like man there’s no way the train got all the way to LBJ from victory that fast and I ask her if she’s in north dallas or if she’s downtown. She’s doesn’t know – she tells me she sees the dallas morning news. I’m like wtf is going on then it occurs to me. She’s at EBJ/CENTRAL STATION and just was frazzled. I turn around and pick them up – it’s 8:56AM – I know this because as soon as Gunnar got in the car he asked me and then yelled AND ou STILL SUCKS. I swell with pride. We are all in burnt orange headed to the fair and I’m running on pure fucking adrenaline. We get some sick parking right outside the main gate for $100, want to make it as easy as possible for my mom to get out of the game with Gunnar after the Longhorns send the sooners home crying. There’s a group of sooners as we get to the gates and Gunnar asks them what time it is and yells ou STILL SUCKS. They laugh and tell him good luck, I retort I hope you lose today and get more laughs. We walk into the gates and buy coupons with no lines and head in. We get Gunnar the kids wristband in case he gets lost. Test the airtag he’s got in his jersey and do a dry run of what to do in case we get separated with the nice ladies from the fair. Gunnar is good to go. 20251011_094528.mp4 Vibin’ with the alebrijes before heading into the Mexican cultural exhibit at the fair. 20251011_095200.mp4 We go do some art, check out the scenes and ride all the rides before the game. Gunnar is beaming, I’m talking shit to every sooner I see. We cover a ton of ground. We hit every part of the fairgrounds and are having an outstanding morning. Right after this picture we passed by a stand that had Electrolyt bottles on ice. SALVATION. I buy one for 4 coupons and chug it. I’m feeling fantastic. Gunnar rides a bunch of rides, then we head to the food court to meet up with @MBHORNSFAN and talk more shit to sooners. 20251011_105231.mp4 20251011_102825.mp4 We take turns leading TEXAS FIGHT chants once we get there in rotating fashion for about 10 minutes and then we take off to go meet up with Bobby B at the Texas Exes tailgate. Pro tip – there are 1 coupon juices in the food court for kids and adults who need sugar water hydration. We got 3 and crushed them while walking to the exes tailgate. IMG_2512 (1).mp4 20251011_114855.mp4 The Exes tailgate was lame – no TV’s a bunch of limp dick Texas fans who didn’t wanna participate in TEXAS FIGHT chants and overall just not the vibe. We leave and go to the aquarium to get some good AC time and clean bathrooms in before going into the legendary Cotton Bowl. 20251011_132117.mp4 I stay outside and watch the Alabama Mizzou game right outside at the beer garden. I’m talking shit to any and all sooners, end up sitting to a really nice sooner couple and we are jabbing back and forth but watching the game and talking about how special and unique it is to have this going on for generations. They wish me luck, I tell them I hope they lose. It’s time to go to the game with plenty of time to get to our seats and get situated. Hordes of people, Gunnar has never experienced anything like it. Boomer sooner and TEXAS FIGHT breaking out left and right front and back and all around. THERE IS NOTHING LIKE IT. We get to our seats loaded up on water and get ready to bake in the afternoon sun while Texas fucks oklahoma up. There’s some sooners in our section and I’m heckling. My favorite one of the day was a jacked dude coming down with a ton of food and French fries stacked on top that he was balancing on top of all the beverages. He was loaded up and focused. I yelled “I HOPE ALL YOUR FOOD TASTES LIKE SHIT AND YOU DROP YOUR FRENCH FRIES” – he broke and started laughing and everyone around in our section got a good laugh. The game is incredible. The Texas fans snap the fuck out of it, the team feeds off the energy and the game goes our way, but that’s not what this post is about. My favorite moments in the stands: 1. 3rd down on the Texas side of the field that got so loud the sooners had to call a timeout, the building was legitimately shaking. 2. Singing The Eyes of Texas before the game with Gunnar and the Longhorn Faithful. Chills. 3. The impromptu ou SUCKS, ou SUCKS, ou SUCKS chants that broke out throughout the game, sometimes for no reason at all, well except the fact that ou in fact SUCKS. 4. Boomer Sooner echoing while TEXAS FIGHT echoed back. Nothing like it in sports. 5. The 4th quarter starting with Django Walker – Texas Longhorn and no sooner song. We wrap up the game, don’t stay for the eyes – I need to get my 5 year old and 66 year old mom out of the stadium before the stampede starts and get them back home safe. We have 30ish coupons left, get a burger, fries, some lucky duck dumplings and are 3 tickets short of a Modelo…Fair worker decides she’s gonna give me the Modelo anyway and I slam my first beer of the day and it tastes like sweet sweet victory. We heckle the crying sooners the entire way out of the fair and get to our car in less than 90 seconds after leaving the gate and are in uptown Dallas within 7 minutes. Success. I get dropped off at my friends place and immediately beeline to the shower, get changed and get ready for round 2 going out and watching aggy lose to Florida and winning my bet. I get back to the couch after the shower and I never get back up. My friend and his wife put a weighted blanket on me that they call “the pacifier” and ordered some Canes. I ate, we had another friend come over and I drank 1 more beer and could hardly keep my eyes open to finish the aggy game. Set up the CPAP and I was out by 9:30PM under the pacifier and ou DEFINITELY STILL SUCKED ending a near perfect weekend. If you liked this story, please share it or better yet subscribe or donate to this website. It helps me do crazy shit like this and share it with all of you.1 point
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