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gasman

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Posts posted by gasman

  1. 3 hours ago, hookem2010 said:

    I've avoided this thread for a long time, mostly because I felt like I might belong in it. I've only looked at this page, but it seems shit hits home around 35 for a lot of people, and I just hit that age. 

    Currently laying in the guest bedroom after a silly drunkish fight with the wife and experiencing my standard 3 am wakeup feeling sick to my stomach, depressed and regretful. 

    I don't drink every day, but I usually do maybe twice a week, and even though I'm not getting completely lit, it always seems like I need "one more" than I intend to have. I think part of the problem is I'm now aware enough to not take it way too far, like I occasionally would in the past, so I'm not blacking out or puking or anything like that. Obviously, one does not need to get to that point to still be drinking too much, too often.

    I'm not sure if I could put a finger on when my alcohol issues began, because I feel like my drinking didn't slow down much after college, it just kind of morphed from going out with friends to drink to drinking more by myself. And while I've moderated it some since that time, I've wanted to decrease my drinking for probably a decade with only slight improvement. 

    Recently, the struggle I feel like stems from having a new kid. I've been staying at home with our 1 year-old, and when I'm alone with him, I don't really have any desire to drink. But when my wife is off work, I think we both get a little stir-crazy doing baby stuff constantly, so the easy thing to do to pass time as the day is winding down is to go grab a beer and bring some home for when the kid goes to sleep.

    I don't know if complete abstinence is the answer for me or not, but I'm tired of having 1 or 2 nights every week where I sleep like shit and wake up feeling exhausted and ashamed. I'm not a religious person and I'm not ready to commit to anything else quite yet, but I know from past depression that talking to people who don't know me personally was one of the most helpful things I did. Hopefully putting this out there makes me more ready to come to grips with the fact that I have a problem, rather than telling myself for the 1000th time that this time it's different and I won't be here again next weekend.

     

    A lot of your drinking history mimics my own. I didn't drink every day. I didn't typically black out out or puke (although that certainly happened from time to time). I didn't go through withdrawals if I didn't drink for a few days. However, whenever I did drink, I struggled with the off button. I always had at least one more than I intended at the beginning. I had a lot of mornings that I regretted the previous days events and formulated a million different ways to either quit on my own or at least successfully moderate my drinking the next time around. Most of the time, I ended up right back where I was before hating myself in the morning and wondering how I could end up in the exact same place again. I didn't drink every day/all day. I still had a job, a family and I didn't fit in my mind what I thought an "alcoholic" was. 

    The alcoholics thread at the old site was my way of dipping my toe into eventually accepting my powerlessness over alcohol. My problem wasn't the last drink of the night, it was having the first one. I ended up downloading a copy of the AA Big Book and found that I could relate to a lot of the stuff in there. Not everything, but there were more similarities than differences. That was a huge wake up call for me personally. You don't need to be religious. You don't need to commit to anything. Being open to the idea that  you may have a problem is a good start. If you are able to get things under control, that's great. If not, you have a great space here full of useful experience. 

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  2. 1 hour ago, ztejas said:

    When you're 26 years old this is the main issue. I got to 9 months and then... I got bored. I put the bottle to my lips and it was really difficult to even swallow that shit. But eventually I did. And then I went out hard. And then I reeled it back to go out hard occasionally. And then I drank occasionally and dealt with it and didn't drink most of the time. And then... well...

    I'm not really sure if I'm sober or not right now. I've been awake awhile. It's 7 in the morning. I did what I'd describe as not that much coke but also I do coke like once every 3 months now so I think it kind of smacked me and I'm still pretty lit. I guess I did a good amount of some pretty fucking good blow.

    I feel so lost and then I do this and I feel a little less lost as long as the booze and sometimes nicotine fueled and after a certain point coke fueled euphoria carries me through it. 

    I don't fucking know. I'm fairly functional. I guess. I love music. I know I'm sickly talented when it comes to anything music related but I rarely apply myself. I've gotten good at conning myself into thinking I need the booze to realize myself musically. That's probably bullshit. I wrote something really good off of a couple vicodin last spring. My life is confusing.

    I'm fucking trying. Fortunately I dialed an aunt of mine early this morning because I felt like having a borderline panic attack while talking to someone would be better than sitting in silence. She's cool as fuck. We had a good convo. I can't keep that shit a secret though - have to tell my dad and step mom I "slipped" up. Probably gonna call my dad here in a sec.

    Life is crazy. Love all of you. Sometimes I wish I was one of those squares that had it planned out by age 22 and just clocked in and out 8 hours a day for 35 years before enjoying his children and grandchildren.

    Idk. I don't think that's me. I'd like to think I have some pretty great shit to contribute - maybe if I put the bottle down and act like a fucking adult I can realize it. Maybe I need to keep being a child to further it. I don't know. 

    Wisdom to know the difference, right?

    I have pages of journal entries that have this exact same theme. The details are different, but the underlying emotion is exactly the same. It was right as I was hitting my bottom in 2017. I totally get it ztejas, but when I read those pages of rationalization now, they just sound so freaking exhausting. Trying to control, enjoy and hide my drinking consumed so much of my day. For me, sobriety ended up being the easier softer way. Like others, I won’t try and give you any advice, but there is a much better option available to you if you want it. I know that you “know” that, but it could be time to take some honest action and actually experience it. 
     

     

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  3. I was never in a haze for days. I had plenty of days where I did not drink at all. I probably drank a lot less than others here or some non-alcoholic heavy drinkers. A lot of people may simply consider me a problem or heavy drinker. My career was fine. My health was fine. Etc. What makes me an alcoholic is that once I had that first drink, most times I lost the ability to control how much I would consume after that. Not every time, but usually. I would enter plenty of evenings planning on one or two and invariably end up drunk. I didn't intend to, but somehow, there I was again. I may be one of those who the Big Book refers to as feeling the first nip of the wringer, but I have no doubt that things were not going to improve. My list of "I haven't done that yet" was getting smaller and smaller. Sitting here with almost 4 years of sobriety (moment of extreme gratitude....) I still can't even imagine having just one drink. There is simply no way for me to be able to successfully moderate once I have one. 

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  4. On 10/8/2020 at 8:45 AM, SwanderedTalent said:

    I kind of thought the same at the time, when I got my red quarter-- when you're locked up in an alcohol-free environment, those days don't feel like they "count" the way it does when you have money, car keys and a liquor store within easy driving distance and you decide to go to a meeting, call your sponsor, etc, until the craving passes. 

    I don't actually think that way, but that's how it felt taking that thirty day chip @ Bouldin-- "well ACKSHALLY...."

    Very grateful today that I got that enforced separation.

    They count. They all count. 

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  5. First, let me say kudos to being willing to do an honest self evaluation. It took me a lot longer (and more negative consequences) to get to that point. Carbs (or lack there of), cerebral neurotransmitters and receptors (dopamine and seratonin) get altered with long term drinking. It can take while for you body to readjust to not receiving the stimulus is was before. My first 30 days were a blur of highs and lows. Totally normal. Or, it could be leukemia. Glad you are feeling better. 

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  6. I'm not in Austin, but there is an app called Meeting Guide. It will geolocate all meetings close to your phone (address, time etc). The meetings up here have a line though them if they are closed right now and no line means they are open and meeting during COVID-19. I don't know if Austin is the same, but worth a try. As an aside, it's a great app for travel and finding a meeting close by. Tap the meeting and you can pull up directions to the room.

  7. 2 hours ago, hundredTT said:

    I haven't posted for months. I'm scared to even see this thread. I've still been drinking since I last posted; maybe Augustish? I'm able to stop for a few days,  but the cycle always repeats. With the Corona stuff happening, I admit I'm scared. Drinking had led to weight gain and very bad sleep apnea. I'm worried my lungs are fucked up, and this virus could probably kill me. I know I sound like I'm full of shit, but I've quit several times, but I'm going to try again. I know that "prisoner of the moment" is not a good thing, but does anyone know of online resources I can do? Or maybe an online sponsor from here can help, during this quarantine time? I'm ready to be not this version of myself.  

    https://aa-intergroup.org

    At the top is a link to get help now, online meetings (Zoom and Skype meetings at all hours of the day and night), if you don't have a copy of the BigBook you can download one to any kindle or iPad. 

  8. 1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

    I'm really hoping that AA isn't dramatically affected by Coronavirus. . .not going to meetings, or having meetings cancelled by the church where they are held is really going to suck.  Hope we don't have rampant relapse.

    Step 3: p 38 of the 12 and 12: When World War II broke out, this spiritual principle had its first major test. A.A.'s entered the services and were scattered all over the world. Would they be able to take the discipline, stand up under fire, and endure the monotony and misery of war? Would the kind of dependence they had learned in A.A. carry them through? Well, it did. 

    Great time to reach out to your sponsor and or sponsees everyone. 

     

    • Like 2
  9. 1 hour ago, troph said:

    Guys this is nuts help me understand. He’s been sober 3 weeks max. He’s in the hospital again and it’s bad, like he is going to die there bad. Family on their way. His husband just texted that assuming his other organs are ok they are going to consider him for a liver transplant now. That seems crazy. As a friend, obviously I will be thrilled.

     

    There has always been a debate about the fairness of the 6 month sobriety rule. While available livers are a limited resource, many alcoholics will die from liver failure before they can hit the 6 month window. It is viewed in some transplant circles that it is inhumane to deny someone an available organ for an arbitrary period of sobriety. Recent studies also indicate that the relapse rate is the same for liver transplant recipients with or without 6 months of sobriety before a transplant. Thankfully, even though a significant number of the people relapsed after transplant, almost all were sober at the end of the study. Hopefully, your friend gets a new lease on life and can take advantage of it going forward. 

  10. I was a craft beer connoisseur, you heathens. Never mind that fact that every beer I "liked" just happened to have the highest ABV percentage. I never spun that bottle around and picked the one with the higher number. Nope. Never. Well, maybe a time or two. 

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  11. 3 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

    1st time my wife confronted me and said that I need help, my exact words were.........."I'll handle it myself."   HAHAHAHAHAHHA.

    That lasted 36 hours. 

    I was so proud on day one of "my plan" that I had moderated with just 3 stiff drinks.....but I was climbing the walls and barely slept.

    Texted her the next morning and said - "only had three drinks - normal drinking.  I've got this.  Thanks for the wake-up call."

    By that afternoon I was downing vodka on my drive from work so that once I got home I'd hopefully have gotten enough in me that the "3 normal drinks" she saw would last me through the night.

    We all know the rest of the story.

     

    I would buy 2 4 packs of double IPA's. Drink one in my car in the garage. Leave 2 more in the garage. Let my wife see me drink one in the house. Go do some "chores" in the garage for a beer or 2... Then come back and let my wife see me drink another. Just 2 beers Honey.... Just thinking about the planning and the hiding now is so exhausting. 

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  12. I’ll echo the comments above. Call your company HR department today. Tell them you are an alcoholic and need to get into detox. They will take it from there. You will be surprised how many people are willing and able to extend a hand if you just set your pride aside enough to ask for help. 

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  13. Diablo, I hate that you are going through this. I wish I had something to offer besides my prayers. However, you will be in them as I discuss you with my Higher Power. My sponsor also has progressive vision loss. I am not sure he would have any suggestions, but I am willing to reach out to him if you would like. PM me if you are interested.  

    • Like 1
  14. 8 hours ago, hundredTT said:

    I was going to post here how recently I've lost 2 people very close to me, and it caused me to pick up the bottle. Thing is I know it is bullshit, and if it weren't that I'd find something else to pass the buck on. Since I've last posted, I've been drinking myself into oblivion after around 3 days sober. I really have had some major losses that came out of nowhere and just coming back from a rosary now, but I know it don't make a shit. I drink because I like it, and it made dealing with everyone tonight actually enjoyable instead of just pure sadness. I'm at a loss, and going to watch the rest of the NFL game and finish my bottle. Sorry for misspellings, I don't even know how I'm typing at this point, I'm beyond drunk. God Bless. 

    There is another option if you decide you want it. I know that sounds stupidly obvious, but 2.5 years ago, if you told me that I would not have believed you. I knew I couldn't drink anymore but I didn't really believe that I was capable of not drinking. I wanted off the ride, but couldn't find a way on my own. After one more round of quitting (and honestly meaning it) followed by a morning of regret and self loathing from the inevitable relapse, I drug my scared ass into an AA meeting on a Saturday morning. I sat in the parking lot for 20 minutes working up the courage to go in. I hid in the back corner of the room trying to go unnoticed. What I found inside was a group of people that were understanding and welcomed me. They all drank like I did and were somehow not drinking and not going crazy doing it. I didn't know what they had, but I knew wanted it. I followed a few simple suggestions and came back the next day. I'm sorry for your loss hundredTT. 

    • Like 4
  15. 2 hours ago, hrmaddie said:

    Gasman ran Pikes Peak, too.  Interested to hear what he thought of it. 

    It was flat out amazing. Most fun race I have ever ran. Things got real above A-Frame. I could mimic incline training to a degree on the treadmill, but not the altitude.  Unfortunately, I ended up behind a single file row of people. Passing was a challenge if not impossible in several sections. I gave up on a time goal and just decided to enjoy the experience.  I stopped and took pictures along the way, every turn had an even better view than the one before. That was a great decision. I ran pressure free, quit looking at my watch and looked enjoyed the day on the mountain. I agree the trail was really challenging in several spots. Between the altitude and the rocks, the last mile took me 29 minutes. I never had an issue with altitude sickness, but any extra effort above tree line was met with an exponential increase in my HR. If any of you ever have a chance to run this, do it. Oh, and hrmaddie kicked my ass. 

    • Like 1
  16. 18 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

    It's possible that in a few days you'll be feeling good enough again to want a drink. Don't do it, it's a trap. Just get up, make it to sundown however you can without drinking and put another day behind you. It will get better. Don't fall for the lies. 

    This right here. I lost track of the number of times I "quit". Started feeling better and thought, that maybe wasn't so bad. I bet I could try again and moderate this way......

    • Like 1
  17. 5 hours ago, HoustonHorn said:

    Sounds like I need to clear it with the dealer then. I don't know enough about engines, but it's the exact same and they warrant the tuning on other models. Probably need to ensure its done by someone authorized.

    Again, not sure it's worth it for the use it will be getting though.

    Contact Roush and see if they will throw a Nitemare package at it. Your wife will love it.

    https://www.autoblog.com/2019/07/12/roush-f150-nitemare-claims-quickest-pickup-ever/

  18. 1 hour ago, HoustonHorn said:

    ?

    Looking to replace the Escalade, which is honestly a piece of shit. Looking at the Navigator or Ford Expedition. Obvious differences in the interior, but with two small kids and two dogs, the extra cost isn't worth it.

    So leaning Expedition. Looked at the Platinum, but the Limited has everything my wife wants, so no reason to waste the money. That said, one difference that bothers me is that they both have the same engine, but the Platinum is tuned to provide better performance and power.

    Is there a real difference if you aren't doing heavy towing, and is it possible to have a third party tune that engine to get the same performance? Does that void warranties and if so is it detectable? I'm guessing yes to all.
     

    The Platinum tuning requires 93 octane vs 87 for the Limited if fuel cost is any concern. 

     

    I believe the manual states 87 but then the fine print says for maximum HP/Torque 93 is required. Here is the tiny print. 

    2018 Expedition | ford.com
    Platinum. Blue. Available equipment. 1Horsepower and torque ratings achieved with 93-octane fuel.

  19. 3 hours ago, Mr. Drummond said:

    There is a batman bezel for the 16710?  i thought just pepsi or coke for pre-ceramic.

    awesome watch !!! 

    Pretty sure it was just Black, "Coke", "Pepsi", and "Root Beer" on the two tone for the 16710. I think the Batman was introduced as the first two colored bezel in the ceramic era after Rolex initially said it couldn't be done with ceramic. 

  20. 17 minutes ago, B00M said:

    Stupid question:  how can anyone drink a handle in a day and not feel absolutely miserable the next day? Do you actually feel miserable but use the next handle to cope?

    I would wake up feeling absolutely horrible, vow that I was done with alcohol (and sincerely mean it). By lunch, I was feeling ok, by 5pm I felt fine and would hit the liquor store thinking this time it would be different and I would moderate my intake better. After the first drink, I was off and running, wake up feeling horrible. Rinse. Wash. Repeat. 

  21. On 5/29/2019 at 11:01 AM, Dewey said:

    I'm thinking of selling my truck (2012 f150 and 2 recalls) and want to buy a 70s f100 or Chevy or GMC, other than CL, where else can I shop for these?

     

    Dealer or owner, would prefer owner

     

     

     

    Streetside Classics consignments has a ton. No clue as to condition or buying experience. I just like to walk around the warehouse. 

    • Like 1
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