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Kyrie Eleison

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Posts posted by Kyrie Eleison

  1. 1 hour ago, Hank_Hill said:

    Is Haribo bears giving people diarrhea a thing?

    1. From a review titled: "Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate."

    "What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM."

    2. From a review titled: "Be sure to buy Oxyclean too!"

    "Be sure to also buy a tub of Oxyclean with this to get the blood and diarrhea stains out of your underwear, clothes, furniture, pets, loved ones, ceiling fans."

    3. From a review titled: "Yup - Believe the hype!"

    "I saw the product reviews and told some coworkers, so we bought a bag (because who doesn't want to spend the workday on the toilet AND get paid, right??). Brought them in yesterday morning and a bunch of the guys immediately downed a handful each. Within half an hour they were in the bathroom. Best moment of the day was when one of them (who had been in the bathroom for half an hour by that point) texted one of the others. 'If you think it's a fart....it's NOT.' hahhaaaaaa"

    4. From a review titled: "It's. All. True."

    "OMG. Everything previously written is true. It's all true. Don't eat more than 15 in a sitting unless you are trying to power wash your intestines."

    5. From a review titled: "Fully weaponized Gummy Bears"

    "The cramping started about an hour later, and soon enough I was as bloated as a balloon in Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. When the rumbling started I sprinted down the hallway and made it to the bathroom just in time for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to stampede from my backside, laying waste to my home's septic system AND my will to live. After three hours of a pelvis-shaking Gummy Bear assault, I was spongy and weak, surprised that I had any bones left. I cursed Haribo with the little strength I could muster."

    6. From a review titled: "AWESOME and EXPLOSIVE!!"

    "The explosive gas let loose and to an explosive shart!!! 1 mile from home on my walk and it was a long 1 mile back and I had a mess!! Fortunately for compression shorts it didn't run down my legs!! Now I had to hold the gas for fear of blowing my entire intestines out into my shorts!! I made it home and what happened then was like something out of Dante's Inferno!!! My butt became an upside down volcano!! Best to stock up on toilet paper and toilet bowl cleaner as you will totally spray the bowl and back of the seat!! I would no sooner get done and have to go again. When you get the urge to "go" you best be in proximity of toilet!!! I spent hours on the toilet."

    7. From a review titled: "You dont understand."

    "I was glued to the toilet seat. Streams of fire burst from my colon. When i wasnt experiencing Satans fury exploding from my rear, i was laying in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, sobbing and asking for forgiveness. Im a 280 pound man. I. Was. Sobbing.

    When it was finally over, i couldnt move. I crawled onto the floor one last time and sat, motionless, until my dehydration finally required that i drink water. The other reviews are perfectly accurate. This is absolutely, 100% true.

    Eat two at a time. Three if you're brave. But for the love of God and all things on this earth, DO NOT EAT ANY MORE."

    8. From a review titled: "Excellent taste, in small portions."

    "During one of the last of the 8 trips to the bathroom, I released such a large volume of gas that my external anal sphincter could not do it's job, and remained open/relaxed, while about 4.5-5 seconds of gas was expelled. I've never experienced, or even heard of that happening. It was so unnatural, that I had to check to feel if my colon had somehow passed through the anal sphincter muscle."

    9. From a review titled: "Gastrointestinal Armageddon"

    "After a few hours, I had an EXTREME build-up of gas with no relief. All I could do was lie on my bed and pray for a fart. That might sound funny, but when you've eaten something that has basically turned you into the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka, you're pleading for relief."
  2. The biggest trumper I know...48 years old, never been out of Texas except to visit family in SW Louisiana. Racist, homophobic, anti-semitic, and an online seminary graduate and "pastor" at his local non-denominational evangelical church. He seriously mocels his whole persona after Phil Robertson...right down to the beard. 


    anyone i know?
  3. 25 minutes ago, Sgt Hulk said:

    I’ve never seen so much hate animosity in my life as I have in this section of the message boards. Literally every thread is attacks on everyone.  I’ve watched people shooting at Isis who had less hate in their hearts than you people.  I’d recommend to step the fuck away from the internet for a bit and calm down before y’all go postal and start shooting up places.   Stress will give you a heart attack 

    fuck_you_harold_and_kumar.gif

    • Like 1
  4. Just now, OatmealRaisinCookie said:

    In that instance I would say that would be hilarious for the Ruskies, not so much for Americans. And I guess that actually gets to the root of the issue too with Donald, all his "humor" is always at the expense and making fun of or putting down another party. There is no shared humor or building consensus/humor. It's divisive humor and, while the right's memes in particular are pretty funny, they don't do anything but divide.

    and what's so fucking funny about that?

     

  5. 1 minute ago, OatmealRaisinCookie said:

    Come on, that is hilarious. We can't lose our sense of humor in times of crisis like this, that, I firmly believe.

    no it isn't.  this is world leader diplomacy, and there are standards.  that's something you do on a fishing trip with the boys.

    and i'd bet a shit ton of nickels that the joke isn't cross-culturally understood by the Germans....the chances are better that was taken as an insult.

    • Like 2


  6. could not agree with this more. pretrial incarnation is a huge problem, which is why i’m a part of the committee trying to institute risk assessment measures over the current bail system we’ve had since the institution of our Republic.

    it’ll happen soon. we’ve got Nathan Hecht on board.
    • Like 1
  7. goddammit...there’s a part of me that is grateful i don’t live in the Rusty Triangle anymore, but there’s a huge part of me that feels guilty about abandoning my peeps.

    fuck...

  8. Over at SEC Rant the LSU fans are all pulling for Tech because of last year.
     
    DqIJ5Ex.jpg


    we owe you nothing. suck it.

    i’m headed to Omaha this Wed through Sun, and bet your ass that my second favorite team will be whoever y’all are playing...if y’all are still around.
  9. On 6/13/2018 at 11:17 PM, d.plainview872 said:

    1. Curling in the squat rack. 

    2. Grunting

    3. People that don't know how to wipe their ass and smell like shit. 

    4. Cross training with equipment when the gym is full. Always the skinny guys

    5. Quarter/half reps. If you can't do a full rep, you should decrease the weight and get your form down first

     

    giphy.gif

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