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cactusflinthead

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Posts posted by cactusflinthead

  1.  
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    I feel you Walden, my son Devon died from sids in 1996 at 12 weeks. So I'm 0 for 2 in the children department. Go me.

    Well, I'm going to hell...that made me giggle. Sorry, but that amount of gallows humor is right up my alley. It is the way I cope and I'm sure if people heard the shit that I think or say when life is overwhelming me, well I'm sure they would consider stringing me up. I can't help it though, it is just the way I am wired.

    I laugh hardest when the shit is on. It has been over a year now since my husband croaked and I still don't give a lot of fucks about things that should matter like work or bettering myself, but I'm still laughing. I guess that makes me profoundly human or fucking stupid. Maybe I should go back to talking to someone. I did that at the Hospice place that we used and I could look into talking to someone again. I don't think I'm depressed but I don't really even know what that is, so how would I know if I am? I just think it is weird how I don't give a shit about so-called important things like work. 

    The thought of a big change sounds really good but I am hesitant to think it is really a true answer to "fixing" me. I just want to find the place of contentedness and purpose that I have had in the past. His needs became bottomless but I learned to deal with them and they gave me purpose. I had to focus on them and prioritize everything and I still found some me time. I did okay. Now all I have is me time and I am adrift. It is so weird that when I don't have him to fuss with anymore that I am so lost. I don't care, I don't have priorities or goals or fucks to give. I can't see past my nose on what I'm supposed to be doing. The loss of purpose is the thing I think I am most hung up on, aside from missing him. The loss of the why I do what I need to...that is the most disconcerting change. I don't have the same big WHY anymore...I don't know how to recover from that. I am not depressed or anxious, but I am not focused and that is strange since I have had to be for a very long time for someone who has relied on me so much. 

    I guess I need to look for a new job, so I can figure out a way to give a shit about what I do for a majority of my time. I want to be a contributor, which I am not right now. These are trivial issues in comparison to what others are going through so I'm am glad for this thread and the chance to vent. I am also glad Owlvis found his way to it since I was worried about him. Take care, man. 
     

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    I've struggled with sporadic bouts of severe anxiety and depression since I was a teenager. I cannot even count the number of times I've checked myself into the local ER of whatever shithole western Oklahoma town I've lived in at the time, thinking I was in having a heart attack, stroke, aneurysm, whatever in the last 20 years. It's an exhausting ordeal.

    I've found different ways to battle the storm, but none to completely defeat it. It doesn't help that it seems to be a self-fulfilling cycle of doom. Depressed and anxious over some stupid, terrible decision made in the past. Make stupid, terrible decision in present. Deal with consequences. Get depressed and anxious over most recent stupid, terrible decision. Make new stupid, terrible decision. Rinse. Repeat. Until you look up and you're in your 30s living in the wasteland of western Oklahoma, working in a high stress / economically dying energy service industry trying to provide for a family while tapdancing on the boundary line between the middle class and working poor economic bracket.

    And there are no such things as "mental health professionals" in this part of the world. Only meth rehab facilities, trailer park pill mills, and general practitioners. For the last four years, I have basically played a never-ending game of anti-depressant / anti-anxiety roulette with my doctor. None of which has really helped except for benzodiazepine, which isn't really a long term solution and something that my doctor prescribes only about twice every 12 months. 

    Sometimes Most times, I wonder if I will ever be able to get the hell out of my own head, because the ups and downs are really hard to hide from your kids. And they did not ask for a headcase for a dad.

    Other times I wish I was just a normal person, though I'm not sure I know what 'normal' is. I assume the opposite of me?

    tl;dr 

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    Went to a psychologist on my own for the first time today. He has seen every member of my family, including me, in the past, but they were always in group settings to try to help my older brother. He displays the classic traits of Asperger, but this psychologist has tested him and says it isn't Asperger, but rather, his social stunting was a result of severe emotional trauma inflicted by my dad (his test scores showed greater emotional trauma than holocaust survivors). The psychologist has his PhD and teaches at UT Austin, so I put a lot of weight in his testing and opinion. 

    To make a long story short I caught a lot of the same shit as my brother and dealt with a lot of shame having to follow in the footsteps of him in a small town of 5,000 people. I dealt with it by trying not to be a "trouble" to my parents and trying to be a "positive" to the family name. Ended up internalizing everything and building a seemly perfect house on the exterior. Was popular in high school, did well in college, undergrad & masters in accounting, worked at a Big 4 accounting firm for 3 years and then went to law school and did very well and have a big law job lined up.

    Sadly none of those "accomplishments" mean shit to me. Self-loathing and self-doubt have really manifested strongly in the last 4-6 years... I think it corresponds to subconsciously realizing degrees, prestige, and good paying jobs don't fill psychological holes. Anxiety has fueled bouts of "functioning" depression. To keep my head above water, I have to eat perfect, exercise, and force myself out socially.

    Had a recent experience that finally sunk my ship and the facade is crashing around me. Basically have been in the fetal position for last 3 weeks preparing for suicide. Have quit doing all those things that "kept me afloat." Doc basically said that even though I consciously know that exercise, eating good, and making myself social will get me possibly floating again, subconsciously my body is tired of just surviving. Basically, it is in get better or die mode. Have already set up future appointments... hopefully they will help.

    Sorry for the novel. I finally got the nerve to share, because this thread has helped me. Reading all the different ways a human psyche can be broken has made me not so ashamed of seemingly having so much and still feeling totally worthless, anxious, and depressed.

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    Don't ever apologize for sharing your pain -- any place and any time you are able to do it after all those experiences makes you stronger. Vulnerability is far more powerful than so-called "strength".

    I can definitely relate to the feeling of "worthless accomplishment". I remember coming back from the national speech tournament in high school, knowing full well that just getting there was something nobody from my small town should ever have been expected to be able to do, and not really giving a rat's ass. It felt hollow. Academic and professional successes have felt the same way over the years.

    But you know what? I've recently come to appreciate my real accomplishments. I am blessed with a joyous wife and children, first of all. But beyond that, I have been a genuine help to people around me. I used to not feel anything at all about that fact, but I'm beginning to find pleasure in the knowledge that people come to me all the time for help with their DIY projects. I have a background in English literary criticism, for cryin' out loud, but what people know me for is backyard chicken farming, edible landscaping, and scrap-wood carpentry. Now that I'm on the right meds, have told the right people from my past to buzz off, and have come to a proper appreciation of my own worth and my place in the universe, it makes me happy looking forward to the next friend to text me wondering which garden weeds are edible, or whether I can help them build a meditation platform in their front yard from all the pallet wood they've just collected.

    Whatever it is that you do or are interested in, no matter how trivial it might seem to you when you are in the midst of depression, is far more important, and far greater, than any of the bullshit you are carrying around from the people who hurt you when you were the most vulnerable.

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    This right here. There's a big lie the a lot of us carry around that does nothing but hurt us. The lie is that there's shame in our mental brokenness and hurts. That lie keeps us from getting the help we need or even voicing our pain. It manifests in different ways, but always figures out a way to place the blame on us.

    If our external conditions are good, there's the shame in why our internal condition doesn't match up. It says, "How could you feel like this? Your life is so wonderful? Others have been through so much more. There's something wrong and bad about you."

    If our internal state is hampered by some past hurt, there can be the lie that our life experience has tainted us in some way. If our external conditions are currently bad, we can find shame in that. If we seek help, we find shame there. If we don't, we find shame in our fears.

    No matter what, our minds can do a wonderful job of placing unhelpful judgement and shame on us. It's a lie that keeps us from getting the help we need as well as helping others. Seeing people work through their own brokenness can be a huge encouragement to others.

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    Brother, don't think that. As someone who just lost someone to suicide don't ever think that. Glad to see you made appointments. And yes, this place is a great sounding board, I can't tell you how much just venting on here has meant to me. If you're on the ledge, talk, you want my phone number I'll talk to you. There are lifelines out there. It's a bitch but there's a whole lot of people who you don't know in your corner. They want to see you keep fighting and living. I'm one of them. Prayers and peace my man.

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    How about sprinkling in a little purpose? Your skill sets would be very welcome by charities and non profit causes. Do some pro bono work? My wife did pro bono work for these guys a few years back in honor of an ill family member. http://namigulfcoast.org Or look here- http://www.volunteermatch.org

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    This. The Doc said something that surprised me at first, but makes a lot of sense. He said that studies show physical and sexual assault victims often have a much easier time obtaining healthy mental states with therapy. They have an event or person to point to that is recognized by society to be horrendous. Sometimes the people responsible even get criminally punished. 

    Alternatively, emotional trauma is usually done by a thousand cuts and done in private and often many different people have varying degrees of responsibility (direct actors, enablers, etc.). The mind (especially an ill one) isn't able to process all this nuance w/o help and just turns inwards, especially when the abusers are not recognized as such by the community or worse if they are highly respected by the community. 

    As fucked up as this sounds, I have sometimes wished I was sexually abused by my dad, so that I had a "justifiable" reason to reach out for help and so that he would be torn down in the eyes of the community (he is a doctor, very active in the community, etc.). Please understand that in no way am I discounting sexual or physical abuse. I can't even imagine the horrors of that, but before I finally crashed, read this thread, and finally got help, it seemed like one of the few "justifiable" reasons for someone with my background to be having emotional difficulties. 

    Catus thanks for the thread. Waldon thanks for the kind words and I hope I can make it to a place similar to yours. dgvillere thanks for the kindness and prayers. The thread about your daughter broke my heart for her and for you. Hang in there. 

    Rippin'_lips, I think that is something I am definitely going to look into once I get back on my feet. Thanks for the resources.

     

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    Trauma is a big deal that we're just coming to terms with, scientifically and medically. And Ms. Macallan is totally right, any major, non-positive event can be a trauma that affects you afterward and it doesn't have to be war, or sexual abuse or anything that dramatic. Divorce of your parents, things at school, witnessing an accident, illness can all have lasting negative effects on the psyche. And there seems to be a cumulative effect, that is, a series of relatively minor things can have worse effects than a single major thing.

    Unfortunately, there isn't a uniform answer for dealing with the effects of trauma, but there are things that can be effective, mostly in the realm of cognitive behavioral therapy.

    One of the things that I have learned from AA, and it seems to be generally applicable to anything that is assisted by "getting out of your own head for a while," is that making yourself of service to others can be a real positive. It's a little more purposeful than "forcing yourself to get out of bed" and just going to work, and it has a positive effect on just about anyone's mood and attitude. YMMV, but something to consider.

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    My chronicles with recent suicide have been well documented. Today is my first appointment with a therapist since her passing. My only drive is her, that for her I won't give in and I won't quit. That I promised her, somehow, sometime, I don't know when or where but I will talk someone off whatever ledge they're on. I owe her that.

    I know I don't have the energy or passion that I had, so I guess that falls into depression, had an attack the other night driving home was shaking in the car, sweating bullets at 10pm. But if any of you guys need an ear as much support as this place gave me I owe you too.

    08-16-2016 at 06:38 AM.

     

    I'd like to keep the time stamp on this one. You have been on a long, dark journey bubba. I am glad to see you here today. 

    Also, it would be cool if this person came back around for a check-in

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    I think about killing myself pretty much everyday - not in the "am i going to do it or not today" way - just in a "hey it would be nice to be dead" kind of way... I know exactly how i would do it. I'm pretty sure i wont ever go through with it because of my 2 daughters and the pain it will cause them. My daughter's friend committed suicide a couple of weeks back and it crushed her. That and DG's daughter helps reinforce the decision not to do it because of the devastation it would cause my two girls... 

    So I self medicate with Whataburger and chips and queso. It will eventually kill me, there are very few 65 year old fat guys that work 60 hours a week. But at least they won't know I did it on purpose. 

    Of course its a bad spiral, because this is a life wasted, which makes me more depressed etc etc etc.

     

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    I don't have my PM's turned on, because a few jack holes like to fill it with "slut," and "whore," Which would be A)ironic if you knew the truth and b) doesn't help with the depression. I was in an accident in a rarely heard of theme park in lake Bueno vista Florida almost 9 years ago. Nerve damage, unable to move head, neck, couldn't stand, couldn't life my arm, couldn't see out of my right eye, and couldn't open my mouth enough for a spoon. Workers compensation doctors couldn't find anything. UNC doctors couldn't find anything. In the meantime, isolated myself because no one could find a reason so surely my pain was fake. Stopped talking to people. Finished a MBA through the least amount of human interaction possible. Moved to o Charlotte. Surgeon there asks...solo what are they doing for the fracture? Three years after the initial accident. I have diagnosis! I have surgeries. Surgeries don't fix, meanwhile I'm on opioids, NSAIDs, bemzos. And feeling even more upset because surgeries were supposed to fix. I move back to Texas. New surgeon completely replaces joints with titanium. Supposed to fix pain. This was two months ago. Still on medical leave. Still on heavy duty meds. Still very isolated. Family not super supportive. Getting harder to get out of bed. And even harder not to swallow any number of the meds I've been given. How do I get out of this cycle! Because going to sleep and not waking up for a while sounds like an awesome idea

    Going to repost this one because the person that wrote it rolled back around and told us things seem to be getting better. Positive reinforcement 

     

     

    • Hook 'Em 1
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    I rarely post anymore, but this thread title caught my eye so I thought I'd do sort of a PSA. As some of you know, I contracted and beat cancer a few years ago. This month is my 4 year anniversary, by the way. Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Anyway, after going through a year of hell via chemotherapy and radiation and getting the "all clear", I just fell apart. I spent the entire year of my treatment running my own business, playing in my rock band, rehabilitating wildlife, and even traveling internationally. I was determined to live my life on my terms. However, once I completed treatment I was unable to cope. The diagnosis: PTSD. I'm usually pretty savvy when it comes to things like this, but it never crossed my mind that PTSD might be an issue. I mean, I hadn't been to war, I hadn't experienced a terrorist attack, I hadn't been in the middle of a natural disaster. I just...got sick and got well. Come to find out that PTSD is very, very common among those who have undergone serious and/or lengthy health problems and medical treatment. Mine was physical, but I have no doubt that anyone who has experienced serious mental illness might be subject to this condition as well. Mine manifested in extreme anxiety, panic attacks and unwillingness to leave my house. The treatment that worked for me was a combination of anti-anxiety medication, yoga, a low-fat diet and regular exercise. Also some counseling geared toward Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I am still prone to anxiety if I get out of my comfort zone or my routine, and I will spiral down into a profound depression if I don't arrest the symptoms pretty quickly. Just another little tidbit to deal with as a result of the regimen that was hard on my body as well.

    So please consider PTSD as a possibility if you're having problems after everything else has cleared up. I wish everyone on this thread the best.


     

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    I think if someone confided something like this to me today, I would start with really trying to hear what they are saying and understand what they are trying to explain. We're all a little different, so forcing my experience down their throat probably wouldn't help. Some people have survived major external traumas, others are maybe more like me. Some people might not want to live, others might be having unwanted thoughts. Beyond that, I think that reminding them that their distress/suffering doesn't define their value or identity as a person and that they are loved and valued for their intrinsic worth would be helpful. It would have helped me. I don't think there's a good response to something like this, but anything that makes the person feel loved and safe to share and work through things is probably less bad.

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    This is an important point for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that every religion (and even the lack of religion) is susceptible to the kinds of abuse that specifically target emotional health. I was having this very discussion last week with an acquaintance who knew how many Muslim friends I have, and could not reconcile it with his preconceived notions. But Islam is just exactly like every other faith on the planet in one very important respect: the same exact scripture is used by different Muslims to justify completely opposite conclusions. Which is how you end up with Sufi hippies in contrast to suicide bombers.

    Every faith has an element of the "you've been possessed" superstition which can cause inestimable damage -- and yet... in some ways, it's a helpful metaphor.

    I liken it to J.K. Rowling's dementors. Are they real? Well, in a strictly material use of the definition of "real" then, no, obviously they are not. But as a visualization of what depression really means, I don't think I've ever encountered a better description, whether in fiction or non-fiction literature.

    So, if your demons, jinn, Thetans, dementors, poltergeists, or whatever are attacking you, just remember that they are external and have nothing to do with your essential value. I can't think of any examples of highly spiritual (in a genuine way) people who have not been able to make some kind of accommodation for this particular problem, and I have come to believe that it is an essential part of the healing process.

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    OCD is terribly misunderstood. I've read quite a bit on the topic since I have multiple family members who have been clinically diagnosed as OCD. What most people think as OCD behavior is really closer to anal retentive behavior, perhaps with a healthy dose of anxiety.

    The best clarification I've read about compulsions is that they aren't the underlying disease -- they are the mind's attempt to deal with the underlying disease (which is the obsessiveness). A person who washes their hands 10 times per hour MIGHT be OCD, or they might just be anal retentive. If they're suffering from OCD, the compulsion (hand-washing) is more than likely the mind's attempt to "distract" itself from the obsessions (quite often harming thoughts). I don't know if self-harming falls under that umbrella, as everyone I know well with OCD obsesses over harming others. (Ironically, these are statistically the least likely people to ever harm anyone else, but good luck convincing them of that fact.)

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    I think I'm similar, I'm wondering how much of it stems from: my dad constantly telling me I was the stupidest white person he'd ever met, + I was the youngest kid in my family (3 of us total) and my brother always called me a dumbass and beat the shit out of me every day, at least once. Fuck I just turned 53 and this shit still impacts me. Funny because I actually made great grades throughout school and am the only one to graduate college.

    Also I suffer because I witnessed my dad put a pistol against his head when I was just 8 which scared the fuck out of me, still affects my ability to fall asleep today. Mom swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills when I was 12 (she survived) and frankly I just didn't give a shit by that point. No psychologist here but I'm very good at distancing myself and not getting too emotionally involved with anyone other than my wife & son. Guess if your own parents will just up and leave you at any time then why put in the work to get close to people.


     

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    I had about a 3 year stretch where I had daily suicidal ideations. My thoughts were generally detailed plans of how to do it while causing the least amount of damage to others.

    I distinctly remember the first one, which I shared with my wife. She reacted very poorly, which I guess is understandable. She had a combination of dismissiveness (thinking the problem was related to my external condition) and derision (placing the blame on me for these unwanted thoughts).

    The biggest lie for me during this time was that these thoughts were part of my identity - they were me. I correctly recognized them as bad, but bought the lie that I was bad because of them. The way we talk about suicide is littered with this accusation and lie.

    I'm not going to cloak this up with a religious discussion, but faith is a big part of my life and identity. The language used when talking about suicide from a faith perspective is particularly damning. This goes beyond thoughtless claims of burning in hell for killing yourself (which 100% contradicts the Biblical narrative, but that's a lie to discuss at a different time and place). The language cuts right to the core of a person of faith - accusations that these thoughts stem from something spiritually wrong. These thoughts, which are very much unwanted and are so hurtful to me, are said to define who I am in a very negative way.

    I don't want to bring up a discussion about whether religion is good or bad or whatever. That's for the poo flinging of the Cloak Room. What I do want to highlight is how the language we use to discuss these issues can impact those dealing with them.

    The way out for me came through the same spirituality that was used against me. I was eventually able to see those thoughts as separate from my identity. They weren't me; they were unwelcome intrusions. They could not cause condemnation, because they were not mine; they were imposed upon me and not welcome.

    I had been lied to, mostly by the unwanted thoughts but also by the world around me. My worth, value, and identity had nothing to do with the existence or non-existence of those thoughts. I am no more valuable today, currently free from those thoughts, than I was at the height of my pain. If they return (and they have tried at times), it has no bearing on my worth as a person.

    Once I saw these intrusions for what they were and strongly took hold of my real identity, their power quickly faded. I also had to have a lot of grace for myself. Some days, just making it to bed alive was a success.

    This is only my story of how I found my way out of my secret darkness.

     

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    I feel bad for even posting this because it seems so unimportant in comparison to other issues but I'm a nail biter. I can't stop doing it when I'm bored. It didn't stop there though, at some point I started scratching at my nails with my teeth, filing them in a way to the point that my right thumb nail was completely gone and a small corner of one of my top teeth has slightly chipped (not noticeable thankfully). The nail grows back into something that resembles a nail but it looks shitty. I guess this indicates that I've got some kind of anxiety/OCD or some other issue. 

    I'm pretty sure I went through a bout of depression while barely making it through UT Engineering. I've used weed for over 10 years so that's probably done some neurological damage (but damn was it fun). I know my short term memory is shit. I've also never told my doctor that I smoke weed because he could possibly avoid prescribing me pain meds if I ever actually need them in the future. 

    It's nice to tell someone on the internet because this is not something I talk about with anyone. We all try to pretend like we're perfectly normal. I don't want to go to get this diagnosed by someone official because I work for a defense contractor. I imagine that this type of stuff could impact my ability to get security clearances in the future. 

    My father tried to commit suicide a few years ago. He has some very obvious mental problems but the day my mother was forcing him to go get checked out he decided to try to kill himself instead. They wrote it off as temporary depression but I think he was showing bipolar signs. He's fanatically religious to the point that Catholic priests even get tired of talking religion with him. Before he tried to commit suicide he kept mentioning how one of the leads at work was trying to kill him, that he was paying the police to watch him. He thinks all doctors are evil and out to kill him so he never goes to the doctor (even though they have saved his life countless times). My mom is just as fanatically religious and talks about visions she sees (Virgin Mary, Jesus etc) but she's not as crazy as my father. I'm pretty sure my parents resent me because I'm not religious like them. They think I'm going to hell and they probably hate me because they know my son will likely grow up without his parents showing religion down his throat. All that to say that I have some interesting genes in my blood and I hope I'm not headed in the same direction that they are. 

    I do exercise almost everyday. My passion is playing basketball with my coworkers. It keeps me sane for sure. Things that make me happy are seeing my 6 year old boy be happy, playing basketball, watching Texas Football, playing FIFA on XBOX, smoking weed, hanging out with my frat brothers and eating some good food.

    Some flaws that I see in me besides what's been stated is that I feel like I'm very selfish. I work late hours or go play basketball and don't even see my son for a whole day at a time sometimes when I could make the sacrifice of not playing bball that day so that I can go home and play with my son. I don't compliment my wife enough, it seems like it's always a competition with us two. Always debating with each other on what is fair on who gets to do what task. I don't call my friends enough, I can't even say that I have a "best friend", just several good friends. I don't open up to people. I don't call my parents enough or visit them enough. I'm a perfectionist and have an obsessive personality. If I get into a hobby I obsessively research it because I want to be the best at it. That doesn't mean I'm great at everything just that I try to be because I'm afraid of mediocrity. 

    Anyways I'm just rambling about all of my problems that I wouldn't tell anyone about so thanks for reading :) I know my fraternity brothers are on shaggy so if you read this go fuck yourself and I love you!

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    It's a legitimate, hereditary biological disorder. I tracked down my biological mom about two years ago. My grandfather, mother and two of her siblings suffer from acute clinical depression, and one of those sibling's sons shot himself 18 months ago. I've dealt with it since early college, though it wasn't diagnosed till my mid-20s. My daughter (24) has it and my son (19) has shown some signs of it. 

    I'd recommend significant cognitive behavioral therapy, steady amounts of exercise (at least an hour a day), considering what in your life creates stress and whether you can remove it, and -- if you can commit to FREQUENT appointments for a physician's oversight -- medication. 

    It is possible to find happiness in the wake of it, though. After spending several years working on the above I'm definitely the best I've been in 25 years and -- for the first time in life -- am looking forward instead of backward.

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    This is a great thread.
    I have typed 10 different replies and deleted every one of them. My anxiety that I'll be misunderstood or ridiculed has held me back since grade school. It has made me do the safe thing every fucking time. Never stick my head out very far. I tried pills years ago and have to agree with McQuinn that boners are important. I have found that golf and outdoor activities help tremendously. Flame away but I can't be the only one that shitcans 10-20 replies for every one that gets posted. Threads like these are the reason I visit here. Best damn board on the internet.

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    Not an expert, and maybe I don't or have never even actually suffered from clinical depression (or at least of the type that wasn't caused by something else), but I also want to bring up alcohol. I think a lot of non alcoholics or people that haven't developed into actual alcoholism don't understand what happens with the mind/brain chemistry/etc when you really start leaning on alcohol as a crutch and eventually become chemically dependent, and the warning to "not drink too much" is regarded with the same casualness as "don't machine wash" or "operate heavy machinery" etc. Alcohol may calm you down, settle your nerves, etc. but eventually it doesn't and only brings you back to 0 or whatever your 0 is. So, when you're not drinking, now on top of whatever anxiety/depression you had, you've got the additional jitters from alcohol not doing to your brain what it wants and plus now you have a drinking problem which is just additional heavy problems/hopelessness and the only thing that gets you calm is to drink. I'll stop there, since we have an alcoholics thread and this is not that, but don't disregard the advice to not use alcohol as a crutch when dealing with your depression.

     

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    I get bouts of zero inertia. 
    I often get stuck because a contract, inspection or estimate is on the tip of my tongue & I cannot push past the block.
    I suppose it is also in the border of depression & probably a shitload of ADD as well.

    When I was around the age of my son (9) up until probably 12, maybe 14 or so, I had OCD problems that I self-identified.

    Say a fork would fall off the plate & manage to bounce a certain way through the legs of a chair & then the table. Well, I'd have to retrieve it backwards in the EXACT same path it worked it's way through. In one way, out the same way - possibly even level flat or on its side if I managed to spot that specific action.

    Later, this also manifested itself into things having to be 100% balanced or even, i.e. 1 for this meant 1 for that as well & if it was something in odd #'s, say 7 rows of something horizontally, then there had to be (example) 4 on the far L, 4 on the far R & enough in the dead center so it would be symmetrical. 

    I'm past that OCD-ness now however other things still happen that get me frozen in place & I cannot advance the project or process... which pissed off customers (& yes, some Shaggers as well).

    I think I have been waiting on this thread to be started for quite some time but couldn't bring myself to actually start it.

    I am not leaving this one behind. Gold Jerry

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    My parents thought I had depression/anxiety/ocd/etc, and took me to a doctor to be tested.

    Turns out I'm just a dipshit.

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    Get help. Getting help does not mean you are weak. Open up and talk to others. You will see most everyone is suffering from something. You are not alone.

    It's only a 14 because it won't go any bigger. That sentence sums up this thread perfectly. 

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    When leaves don't leave

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    Deciduous trees typically lose all of their leaves by late autumn. But a stroll through the Arboretum reveals a scattering of deciduous trees and shrubs that still have leaves (albeit dry and brown) clinging tightly to branches. These plants are exhibiting marcescence, the trait of retaining plant parts after they are dead and dry. Marcescence most often refers to persistent leaves but can also refer to other parts such as flower corollas.

    Leaf marcescence is most often seen on juvenile plants and may disappear as the tree matures. It also may not affect the entire tree; sometimes leaves persist only on scattered branches. Unlike a typical deciduous leaf, a marcescent leaf doesn’t develop an abscission zone, an area at the base of the petiole containing a separation layer (thin-walled cells that break readily, allowing leaf drop) and, on the twig side, a protective layer of corky cells. The evolutionary reasons for marcescence are not clear, though theories include defense against herbivory (e.g., browsing by deer), protection of leaf buds from winter desiccation, and as a delayed source of nutrients or moisture-conserving mulch when the leaves finally fall and decompose in the spring.

    Some woody plant species are more likely to exhibit marcescense than others. One of the most striking marcescent tree species is American beech (Fagus grandifolia), whose papery, pale tan winter leaves provide an easy identification feature as well as adding a ghostly shimmer in snow-filled woodlands. Many oak (Quercus) species are notably marcescent, and some hornbeams (Carpinus) and hophornbeams [pdf] (Ostrya) also tend to hold their leaves. Some witch-hazels [pdf](Hamamelis) may retain foliage, which unfortunately can detract from the floral display of these winter-blooming shrubs. And if you visit the Arboretum this winter, note the handsomely marcescent specimens of narrow-leaved spicebush (Lindera angustifolia 740-75) along Bussey Road across from the lilac collection

     

    • Like 1
  10. 17 hours ago, Dark Horse said:

    I’m confused on when I can apply 2,4-D to St Augustine.

    I used it last year and I think it was too close to 85F; it turned a lot of my yard yellow, and it killed some grass where I’m sure I over applied.

    The over applied area now has quite a few weeds. Can I use the 2,4-D in the area and hope the St Augustine comes back? Should I just start over and re-sod the area?


     

    St. A is so damn fickle. Try a test spot at the lowest recommended rate. Resodding is not going to make the seed bank go away or keep new ones from drifting in on the wind. 

    9 hours ago, GottaB said:

     

     


    I used that hose end Scott’s at the top and I couldn’t tell if it was dispensing. The volume never dropped so I couldn’t tell if my rate was right.

    I emailed Scott’s and they said it was normal. I told them it was a design flaw.

     

     

    Good point. I like the mix they have in there, but if it is a shitty applicator it isn't worth the 10-15 bucks they are charging for them. 

  11. Don’t think anything needs to be copied over. Nobody reads through prior content anyway. There’s some of us who follow regularly, but most folks just show up and ask questions that have been answered a dozen times already and we have to answer them again anyway
    Troof
  12. Y'all I need to know what to do with the old thread. 

    Do I quote with the names and dates? Is it better to make them anon now?

    Do we leave it buried over there and move on?

    I'd like to think there are more than a few things worth keeping over there. When it looked like we might be stuck with the r/emergencybackupshag I was grabbing anything I could. Retread has saved some stuff, but doesn't seem to be thrilled with how it turned out. 

     

    I think there are things worth keeping from the last year or so. It sure feels like we have come a long way since I got the bright idea to plunk down a thread. 

    If there are some of you that want to stay anon, but tell your story from then,...

    well do we have PM now? 

    spitballing here, I could use some feedback

  13. How much do I need to move from the old place? I am going to ask this same question on a couple of threads that I regularly participate in, but I would like some sort of idea how much stuff I need to go grab before the bottom falls out over there. 

    It's a fucking ghost town and it looks weird now. The interface is all borked and shitty. He ain't gonna make a damn dime off that place now.

  14. Pretty good pdf on thinning fruit. 

     

    http://homeorchard.ucdavis.edu/8047.pdf

    If you are going to do it, now is the time. There are other things that get thinned too or the other verb, disbudded. If you look at a florist quality mum you will see some cut spots around the flowers. That's where there used to be other flowers. You concentrate all the 'good stuff' and 'energy' (hormones and carbos and all the other stuff that makes shit grow) into that one flower or fruit and it will get bigger and Lord willing, tastier. There are also other benefits outlined in the info sheet. 

  15. 28 minutes ago, kmac30 said:


    Thanks! This stuff is all over my yard. Want it gone this year

    It will probably take several whacks to get it completely gone. It's a perennial vine, they typically have an extensive network. The seeds germinating are going to be an issue too. 

     

    It might take a bit to ID this thing. I have seen it for a few years. It makes a smaller grape-like berry. No, I have not tried one. The overall structure of the plant makes me think it is in the grape family. Boston Ivy and Virginia creeper are in Vitaceae

  16. 21 hours ago, Longhornlax said:

    What’s the best way to fertilize trees? I have two fairly small oaks in our front yard and they just haven’t grown much since we have been here the last two years.

    It's not unusual to see them go slow the first couple of years. They are trying to get the root system established before investing in the new leaves.  A five gallon bucket with a weep hole is a cheap option. Plain old miracle-gro, root stimulator, Garrett juice, or any number of options will work. 

  17. Not poison ivy. I think it is in the grape fam, but I have to dig some. 2,4-D or triclopyr. Tending towards triclopyr as it matures. Paint the cut off stem with it straight from the bottle. 2,4-D will probably take care of the seedlings.

    Brush and stump killer
    Confront
    Remedy

    All the same stuff but labeled homeowner, pro applicator, and agriculture.

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