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NEW YORK — In a groundbreaking effort to optimize emergency services in light of the failures of such services on the early morning of December 4th, the New York Police Department announced Wednesday a new protocol requiring murders of lower-income residents to be reported through the city's 311 non-emergency line, reserving 911 for homicides of the financially secure.
"We're implementing a more efficient, market-based approach to murder response," explained NYPD Commissioner Thomas Romano. "Those reporting a murder will now be asked to provide the victim's most recent W-2 form, investment portfolio, or proof of yacht ownership before being connected to emergency dispatch."
The new system, dubbed "Net Worth Net Response," will route calls involving victims with annual incomes below $10,000,000 to the same hotline used to report potholes, noise complaints, and suspicious pigeons.
"Look, when someone worth millions is murdered, every second counts," said Deputy Commissioner Sarah Mitchell. "We can't have our emergency lines clogged with calls about people who don't even have a summer home in the Hamptons."
The department has issued guidelines for determining call routing, including a helpful flowchart asking questions like "Does the victim have a personal sommelier?" and "How many infinity pools are visible from the crime scene?"
Local advocacy groups have criticized the policy, but the NYPD maintains that lower-income murder victims will still receive a response "within 5-7 business days, excluding holidays and whenever the Knicks are playing at home."
To streamline the process further, the department plans to release a smartphone app allowing users to upload victims' bank statements directly.
At press time, the department was reportedly considering a premium "Platinum Plus" emergency response subscription service for residents of penthouses and anyone with "Baron," "Duke," or "Blockchain Developer" in their job title.