No, it sucks. It’s about as inconvenient a thing as any person can have to do, especially when caught without toilet paper. My first attempt when camping as a ten year old ended poorly. The shitting part went fine, I guess, but I failed to account for the part where I pissed down the back of my pants. And it was just an overnight trip out on our property, so I didn’t have backup pants. My dad thought it was a hilarious right of passage and refused to run home to get me some dry pants.
However, nothing will ever compare to my last adventure in the State Fairgrounds, an hour or two prior to the kickoff of 2019 Texas/OU, when I was forced to accept the fact that the bubbling in my gut was not going to wait for me to stand in any of the ridiculously long bathroom lines nearby.
Scared to death of the obvious consequences of shitting my pants in front of the most insufferable, inbred fan base known to man, I desperately sought refuge behind some bushes outside the Museum of Nature and Science, sans toilet paper, or even a napkin. I was willing to risk arrest to avoid the unthinkable.
Thankfully, the bushes were thick and tall, and I don’t skip leg day, so I was able to wall squat long enough to complete the first, and most important part of my mission: not shitting my pants. As anyone who’s had hungover bubble guts can tell you, though, phase two, or clean up, especially without toilet paper or a wet wipe, presented quite a challenge. I scrounged up whatever rocks and leaves I could find in my little make-shift fortress of solitude and did the best I could. Admittedly, my best was still not that great. The rocks were covered in dirt and the leaves were small and brittle. I really just exchanged one mess for another.
I eventually called it, “good enough,” and pulled up my pants, but I left my underwear sagging inside them a little, trying to keep that which the rocks and leaves couldn’t clean from touching any cotton. I was at least able to wait my turn in the bathroom line long enough to complete cleanup in there. I can’t remember if the underwear was salvageable or not. Seems like they were…🤔
Anyway, those of you who enjoy shitting in the wild can have it. I suspect few of you have experienced the duress that accompanied my forced participation in the practice, and I hope you never have the opportunity to relate.