I will forever live with a heavy, heavy, heavy heart knowing how much pain my condition caused me and many others. I once thought I could out run it, I could distract myself from it or even earlier on, absolve myself completely of it. Now I know that constant pain and suffering is my lot in life, not so much in who I am, but in the circumstances that dictate how I dealt with it and how I show up in the world. Honestly, there is not a day that goes by that I am not acutely aware of my difference, as I hide in plain sight, knowing that I do not belong in this world and that my very existence has hurt so many I love and is despised by so many who have no interest in knowing me. There is another side to the experience, and people in my life have rebuilt and recovered, and for that I am happy and also full of grief. My ex seems really happy, her career has taken off. My kids are doing extremely well, beyond thriving they are at the top of their peer group just killing it. Their mental health is strong, their values in tact and their trajectory is full of blue skies and fair winds. My wife and I are stable, calm and easing through middle age. BUT, the past is still there and it is full of destruction. In the end, I think that's what "they" want - and for me, I just have to try my best to live in the moment where I'm not at risk for harming others due to a mismatch that either drives me to death or drives me to constant sorrow and a constant wake of pain for others, and enjoy the current state of recovery for everyone. It is, however, a daily challenge, and this pain is something I will carry until my natural life runs its course.
It doesn't have to be this way.