Coming back to the question… I heard someone I respect say that much of life’s really negative emotions originate from a similar source - unmet or failed or missed expectations.
for me, I turn 50 in a month. The last five years have been really hard after the decade from 35-45, while stressful to the ninth degree was incredibly rewarding. So I think unmet expectations is a big part of why I have the negative feelings right now. Angst, worry, fear, boredom, frustration, remorse, fatigue, and regret.
part of the unmet expectations is realizing that the blue sky opportunities I love so much are quickly fading and I haven’t done half of what I want to do. It’s just an age thing but I don’t have 30 years in front of me to start and grow a business and sell it, or to build a mid sized law firm, or circumnavigate the world on a sailboat, although everyone of those things could still happen but the window is closing and I can see it, 10 years ago it was different, it still felt like I had all the time in the world.
my year last year was absolutely one of the worst years of my life, I’m still struggling with some PTSD due to 7 months of illness. So I need to leave space for improvement but that 7 months kinda broke my exuberance and optimism for the future and put a finite limit on what I can be and do in a way nothing else has done.
there’s a scene in the weather man that encapsulates part of what I’m trying to say so well. The reductionist experience of considering all the people he could become until all that remains is who he is, the weatherman nails it for me (the last 30 seconds are unnecessary)
the narrowing of possibility down to the one thing is what gets me most. I thrive on hope, possibility, options, new beginnings, fresh starts and the blue sky of opportunity. I feel like aging slowly takes a lot of that away, and it really, really gets to me.