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  1. "I'll cut the grass at 9:30 this morning, I'll finish up before 11 just before it gets hot" 10:30 95 degrees, 50% humidity Fuck this, I'm paying some high school kids to mow my lawn. ZFG
  2. Choose your fighter
  3. I struggled to make a C in business calculus. This shit reads like a foreign language. As for the math whizz I was expecting a 4'10" chinese dude who looks 12 not a pretty attractive gal
  4. As I recall, it was hot as balls for the last 3 years. Maybe a change of.... ah fuck who am I kidding, its gonna be hotter than a whorehouse on nickel night from now through thanksgiving
  5. 97 degrees in April, swamp ass season has arrived early this year.
  6. This didn't take place in 2020 & it wasn't I who sharted, however I was a first hand witness. Fall 2005, varsity football practice. My best friend was our starting strong side LB, I was strong safety. Our DC was an old crusty mean bastard. Said DC musters the defensive and has us line up for an Oklahoma drill. My buddy has to shit, he asks DC if he may be excused so that he can shit. To no surprise, DC responds "I'm not gonna let you jack off in the field house while the rest of us are out here sweating" A moment later its my buddys turn in the drill, he lines up as the pursuer, the whistle blows, the ball carrier takes off and just as he planted to make the hit, a foul yet whimsical blast erupted from his pants. As he rolled up off the turf, a brown splotch was present on the back of his white football pants. "Coach, I think I shit myself" "God damnit, go clean yourself up and get out here" As my buddy cowboy walked to the field house, the rest of us were in stitches. Hell, our d-line coach was howling along with us. Our DC might have cracked a smirk. I told that story during my buddy's rehearsal dinner.
  7. I remember that one. The hajis release a bioweapon at multiple conventions across the US. Shit goes south.
  8. Cleaning up the kitchen after breakfast. I let out a fart expecting it to be the gas runoff of the bacon & eggs I had just consumed, but was met with remnants of last night's microwavable philly cheesesteak colliding with the back of my drawers at mach 2.
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