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Funniest single lines from comedians

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35 minutes ago, SuingToGetAMessageBoard? said:

Dude was born in NY and died in California.   Of course he think cowboy clothes are non functional. 

Couldn't agree with him more regarding the drugstore variety of cowboys, and yes, there's a metric shit-ton of them here in Texas who wouldn't know a barbed wire fence from a rope bridge.

 

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On 2/3/2020 at 10:39 PM, Gil Bang said:

The better one is Artie opening for Norm in SFO.  Right before artie goes on, norm pulls him aside and says "listen motherfucker, this is a big gig, we are in SFO, there WILL be no gay jokes".  Artie is shitting bricks because that's 1/3 of his act.  He knows Norm is serious, so he struggles through his 20 minutes or so. 
Norm gets introduced, comes out, takes the mic, looks around and says "wow, there's a lot of fags here".

The way I heard it was "So they say AIDS doesn't discriminate. Which is nice."

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On 2/4/2020 at 11:11 AM, Lat22 said:

I had the right to remain silent, but I didn’t have the ability. 

From the same bit, the way he delivers this line gets me every time: 

“I didn't want to be DRUNK. IN. PUBLIC. I wanted to be drunk in a BAR. I was THROWN. into. public.”

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On 2/5/2020 at 2:42 PM, Cheeseweasel said:

From the same bit, the way he delivers this line gets me every time: 

“I didn't want to be DRUNK. IN. PUBLIC. I wanted to be drunk in a BAR. I was THROWN. into. public.”

The whole routine is just full of them.   It's one of my favorite bits of all time.

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"Buncha fuckin' losers. Fucking Rocky is your hero. The whole pride of your fucking city is built around a guy who doesn't even exist. Fuckin' Joe Frazier is from there, but he's black, so you can't fuckin' deal with him, so you make a fuckin' statue of some three-foot fucking Italian you stupid, fuckin' Philly cheese eating jackasses."

 

 

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jimmy carr, after a hooker joke, “just joking, i’ve never paid for sex.  which has pissed off dozens of prostitutes.”

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Posted (edited)

“every shit is an emergency...

“the meal is not over when I’m full.  the meal is over when I hate myself.”

and

“they made this sandwich called the ‘double down,’ which, first off, they’re calling it the ‘double down,’ which means they’re implying that you’re gambling with your health.”

Edited by futureman

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Posted (edited)

"Ice cream!!!!"

"Now that's a fire!"

"Roll Charlie around he'll be alright."

"I wasn't really running."

"I forgot I was standing behind Fat Albert."

"Goonie-Goo-Goo."

Edited by Davis Lane
Goonie-Goo-Goo

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On 2/3/2020 at 2:55 PM, Red Five said:

I bet “Board” is spelled B-O-R-E-D.

another one from that same interview that gets overshadowed is, "...because he's a premature ejaculator." kills me every time. 

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"Them kids jump OUT the boat!"

"At the end they walk out grabbing their crotches hollerin' 'Small WORLD!'"

----Robin Harris, Bebe's Kids

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"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs."

Mitch Hedberg

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