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https://theonion.com/arch-manning-running-out-of-polite-ways-to-decline-elis-mentorship/

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Arch Manning Running Out Of Polite Ways To Decline Eli’s Mentorship

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Published:
October 28, 2025

AUSTIN, TX—Noting that he’d already claimed to be sick, at a dentist appointment, and tied up with an unexpected 9 p.m. football practice, University of Texas quarterback Arch Manning confirmed Tuesday that he was quickly running out of polite, semi-plausible excuses to avoid mentorship from his uncle Eli. “He means well, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I really don’t need him FaceTiming me every day and saying stuff like, ‘A Super Bowl winner I sense in you, young padawan,’” said Manning, adding that while he respects his uncle’s experience as a player, he’s not exactly champing at the bit to have a 44-year-old teach him “how to chop it and spin it like Chad Powers.” “It’s just kind of embarrassing, you know? Last time he came to one of my games, he kept fist-bumping my teammates and saying he was there to help me unlock my ‘Manning DNA.’ I had to fake a hamstring injury because he kept trying to run me through footwork drills. I can’t keep doing this.” At press time, Manning was reportedly hiding out in the training room after Eli showed up unannounced with a stack of old Giants playbooks for “a little impromptu QB clinic.”

 

 

Edited by Rimbo
  • Haha 2
Posted
3 hours ago, westexhorn said:

getting ready to transfer to Georgia isn't he...

Arch is not spreadeagle on the ground. Officer's gun is not drawn. Kirby does not want.

  • Haha 2
Posted
36 minutes ago, LTtxfan said:

Arch Manning FILM BREAKDOWN 🎥 Texas' comeback win over Mississippi State | The Paul Finebaum Show

1 hour ago

But wait...I was told by Surly posters with eleventy billion posts and who exist for the glory of Surly cred that he sucks 

  • Haha 1
Posted
18 minutes ago, perfectchaos007 said:

I can't imagine being advised to operate a motor vehicle while in concussion protocol, but I'm not a doctor. 

There are degrees of being concussed. They are drastically different. 

Posted
9 minutes ago, Jkwellborn said:


I got one a couple of years ago and couldn’t hardly open my eyes with the tv on for a week.

I had maybe 3 in my football career many moons ago. One of them involved a full speed hit from my safety position with another defender coming full speed from the line of scrimmage with a receiver in the middle. I was sick and in pain for a few days. Helmet to helmet to helmet. The other 2 hurt that night and were pretty much done the next day  

I have a friend who is a former all Big XII linebacker who brought the wood every play. He told me he had about 13 concussions and always smelled burning rubber when they occurred. I’m not sure he ever even missed a day of practice. 

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