I think I’m kind of there with you. And I don’t want to chime in with a suggestion to try a different church, because clearly you’re at yours for a reason.
I think a lot of this is just seasons of life man. You have younger people who can just plunge into it because it’s just them and their head and lives can hold all this big stuff. And you have the olds who also have the time and need to fill it up with meaning. Me? Kids, spouse, work, finance, older parents, health. It’s not just church, my head can’t handle the big stuff and big thoughts. Even the books I find time for, I’ve noticed need to be less demanding on me. I’ve seen this happen with my own dad, who is now at the age of coming back around.
I think it’s win at most services if I come and manage to take something small away or spend a few minutes thinking on things outside of the day-to-day. There’s a point in our liturgy where the choir tells us to “lay aside all earthly cares” and no matter what persuasion or faith or non-faith you are, we should all take just a bit of time to pull back from the tyranny of the immediate demands.
It’s just super hard to do that in your 40s. You’ll never be more at the mercy of whatever someone else is needing. So I think keep doing what you’re doing, especially the volunteer stuff, and keep going to church and looking for a small moment there of meaning.