I remember in 7th grade, my earth sciences teacher was also a baseball coach. I will never forget when he noticed I was a lefty and told me that he was right handed, but was a lefty as a small kid, and his parents would slap his left hand every time he used it, and forced him into being a righty. He was a grown man, he was at least 40, and even in 7th grade I could hear his resentment towards his parents that they didn't allow him to be what nature made him.
I remember a similar experience (minus the smoking), except with a human sexuality book when I was 12 that I found on my mom's bookshelf. I stumbled across the section on homosexuality and my little mind was fucking blown. But I was in small town west Texas, where that shit just wasn't ok, so I hid myself until I could get to a bigger city. Then the first friends I made at UT made it clear it wasn't ok, and I decided I'd rather have friends that be my true self and kept right on hiding it. Like you, my drive for being alive was the only thing that kept me going through some of those times. It is not a pleasant experience when you flat out are not allowed to be who you are.
There are words for transgenders in the Americas that are older than when Columbus first landed in America, what are you talking about this is all new?
I was a child myself, and have very clear memories of the internal battles I went through to try not to be what I was, and very clear memories of the emotional toll that took on me, and in fact, how I'm still paying that toll today. So yes, I have a very good understanding of how kids in these situations operate, because one of those kids was me.