We had a newcomer in my noon meeting today and he's evidently been slowly killing himself trying to find the right combination for moderation, so the last several posts are something that was basically our topic for discussion today. He's been searching for the secret recipe.
I don't know much, but I know this. Moderating never worked for me. It was actually more painful.
My truth is that I never wanted just that one drink once I started, no matter how much I thought I did before I took the first drink.
I ALWAYS want not one, but "one more". There may be times I could white knuckle and dodge having it, but there was never a time I didn't want it.
The thing that makes me an alcoholic is that I always want one more.....over and over and over.
The phenomenon of craving would cause me to purposefully not drink at all in public if I knew the supply was limited or if I couldn't drink the way I wanted. My biggest fear was being given one drink and nothing else for the rest of the night.
I was less miserable white knuckling it sober for a few hours than I would be were I to have one drink and then nothing for the next few hours. My mind would itch and I'd feel claustrophobic if I couldn't keep drinking. I'd abstain until I could make it somewhere that I could drink like I wanted.
The Doctors Opinion taught me that this was a metabolic craving I could not control once I took the first drink. If I don't take the first drink then I don't have the metabolic cravings that get me drunk.
I thought everyone felt that way, and they just had more willpower. I had no clue that a normal drinker feels satisfied after a certain number of drinks. Not me. The more I drink the more thirsty I get.
The mental obsession leads me to the 1st drink, but it is the phenomenon of craving that drinks the 2nd, 3rd, 12th..... Once I quit taking the first drink, I quit getting drunk. Then, I had a fighting chance against the mental obsession and my choice was to follow a program of recovery to do so.
Some old Chinese dude observed alcoholics 1000 years ago and said - The man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, and then the drink takes the man -
That's alcoholism for me in a nutshell.
Godspeed to all of you guys/girls.