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I'm An Alcoholic


El Diablo

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1 hour ago, BurntEyes said:

So, I'm trying?

To smash or to stay sober?

Jokes aside, found a great new psychiatrist and hopefully what will be a great therapist that I'm meeting with next week. I had been putting off finding someone to talk to and ironically a really shitty day at work kind of made me get my shit together in that regard. That said, my drinking has ticked up a bit the past couple of weeks (like 25-30 drinks/week). The Holidays definitely didn't help. Trying to nip it in the bud before I get back into a bad habit. (like 50/week. A level I never want to be at again).

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1 minute ago, BurntEyes said:

And trust me, nobody wants a pic.

I've been told to avoid hairdressers, redheads, anyone named Tiffany. 

1 minute ago, BurntEyes said:

Take care if yourself, seriously.

You need to talk, just PM and we can go from there.

Thanks. I feel like I'm about to turn a corner, just need a little more self-discipline (don't we all...).

 

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Thanks for the answers.

Luckily for me my sponsor requires that I sponsor other men.  Just about every time I call him with an issue he asks me "who are you taking through the steps and what step are y'all on?"  His belief is that when we are squarely in the Big Book then I'm essentially working those steps again by demonstrating how it works to the new man.

Early on I made just about every mistake you can make with a newcomer, from paying their electric/grocery bills, to buying them work boots (which were sold for crack, that's a funny story), to basically chasing them around.  I can't even remember the names of my first 5 or 6 "Pigeons" but the ones that stayed sober but consider them dear friends.

When I'm over at the halfway house visiting with new guys, I'm focused on them and not me, which is where I need to be.  The other benefit to me is that I've got an incredibly attenuated bullshit detector.  Alcoholics/addicts are entertaining as hell when they're trying to get sober.  This kind of service work really helps with my humility. For free and for fun.

My wife and I are participating in a healthy marriage workshop at my old school Presbyterian church.  Mainly because I'm a deacon and we've got about 10 couples and I thought it would be an interesting activity for us to do for 9 weeks.  No known alcoholics or recovered alcoholics other than me, just a bunch of garden variety average middle aged couples.

My takeaway is that normal people never behave like alcoholics.  One couple was talking about a time where the husband was hangry and trying to drive to an airport in a snowstorm and he raised his voice - and he had to apologize for it later. During a break I commented "well at least you were sober" and everyone looked at me in horror - of course he was sober.

If my first wife and I did this exercise it would be way different - "I was in a blackout drunk driving down the highway in my SUV, wife in the passenger seat, kids in the back, something set me off and made me RAGE, driving like a maniac, calling her every 4 and 5 letter word in my vocabulary. She ends up trying to punch me and grab the steering wheel. Kids crying and terrified."

Those normal, sweet people would recoil if they knew the stuff I did in my disease.  Thank God I never have to behave that way ever again if I just follow a few suggestions.  They remember me as a kid/teenager at that church, then a 20 year hole where I was in Waco/Houston/San Antonio, then 7 years with me back in town and taking an active leadership role.

Lots of newcomers with a few weeks sober tell me "things are awesome! I went to a few meetings, went to church, got baptized. . ." and I tell them that my experience is that I needed to focus on AA for a while to work the steps, and then eventually I made my way back into church - bringing the principles I learned in my 12 step recovery with me.  Hell, I had a resentment against the church of my origin when I arrived at AA.

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2 hours ago, ztejas said:

I've been told to avoid hairdressers, redheads, anyone named Tiffany. 

Thanks. I feel like I'm about to turn a corner, just need a little more self-discipline (don't we all...).

 

Self discipline has nothing to do with it at all.  Attempts at self-discipline gets me drunk and keeps me there.

Self-Abandonment has everything to do with it.  When I'm out of self I seem to be able to stay sober and enjoy it.

One of my favorite philosophies is in the St. Francis prayer -  "It is by self forgetting that on finds"

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1 minute ago, BearSchlong said:

Self discipline has nothing to do with it at all.  Attempts at self-discipline gets me drunk and keeps me there.

Self-Abandonment has everything to do with it.  When I'm out of self I seem to be able to stay sober and enjoy it.

This is great. Thank you. 

Another way to put it I guess would be you can't just change your behavior, you have to change who you are. The way you approach and interpret your issues. 

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24 minutes ago, ztejas said:

This is great. Thank you. 

Another way to put it I guess would be you can't just change your behavior, you have to change who you are. The way you approach and interpret your issues. 

I had to sit on my hands on a couch in an AA room and consciously focus on not thinking, because all of my thoughts were suspect. For a while, I even thought "well my brain tells me to do this so I should probably do the opposite."

My brain tells me to stay under the covers and isolate.  I should go to a meeting and talk to people, even if it's gibberish.  Here I am God, now what you gonna do with me?

My brain tells me that she looks fun and we should definitely go to bed together.  I should look her in the eye and see her as another one of God's children just trying to make it as best as she can.

My brain tells me I can have a toke and a shot and nobody will find out.  I should go find an alcoholic or go to a meeting and report that my mind is playing tricks on me again and that I need to think that through and bring into my mind what REALLY happens when I do that.

But seriously, it starts with sitting on my hands and just trying to abandon myself.

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Unfortunately for me it had nothing to do with self discipline and everything to do with total submission, the kind which comes after absolute defeat. I think it also helped that I was half a vegetable when they first sat me down in a room of alcoholics and I began contemplating the list on the sign.

I’m trying to think where self discipline comes in now, even. And it still doesn’t. I’m self disciplined in a lot of ways but as it relates to alcohol, I have no discipline and therefore I must avoid consuming it completely. Step 1 out front shoulda told you.

I think you could have an interesting discussion on purposefully structuring your life in comparison to self discipline in early recovery. Like, is going to 90 meetings in 90 days an exercise in self discipline, or is it a way to never be more than a few hours out from your next meeting (and introducing a lot of accountability/resources/influence into your life, and maintaining focusedness) while you rewire your brain and obliterate old habits. You could have that discussion but it’s definitely the second thing.

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For an alcoholic like me, self discipline is irrelevant when it comes to drinking.  I could be as disciplined as a Trappist Monk but given the 1st drink that either washes away or drives me insane trying to white knuckle controlled drinking. 

If I’m enjoying it I’m not controlling it and if I’m controlling it I’m not enjoying it.  Self discipline isn’t a factor.  That’s the different between me and the heavy drinker who can quit or moderate successfully without going bonkers. 

I have to find a solution beyond self discipline.  

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2 hours ago, BurntEyes said:

Hmm well, I controlled my favorite drink of choice like a champion.

You see, when I drank Jameson I ordered double neats. I was a great tipper, so I'm told, and those doubles were closer to quads. Then I could efficiently control whether I wanted to drink it in one gulp or 4 "sips". I had a club soda back and got those for free which controlled "spending" too. Best part was, as due to what I was told was great tipping my bartenders always seemed very fast to top me up again 5-15 minutes later. 15 min in case I was taking it easy with my quad neat Jamesons. 

Not to mention, I lived in Chicago and if I had somehow neglected to purchase a bottle prior I could pick one up at 7-11 across the street before retiring home, where I had 100% controll of how fast I poured my "double" Jameson neats. I did have to buy the club soda for home, however the Jameson was cheaper than the cost at bars so I was still controlling cost.

I'm so sorry you weren't the master of control that I was.. 

you mighta missed the part where he said

For an alcoholic like me

maybe you're not like him?

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3 hours ago, SwanderedTalent said:

you mighta missed the part where he said

 

 

maybe you're not like him?

You mighta missed the scathing sarcasm. 

 

On 1/24/2019 at 2:50 PM, BearSchlong said:

I had to sit on my hands on a couch in an AA room and consciously focus on not thinking, because all of my thoughts were suspect. For a while, I even thought "well my brain tells me to do this so I should probably do the opposite."

My brain tells me to stay under the covers and isolate.  I should go to a meeting and talk to people, even if it's gibberish.  Here I am God, now what you gonna do with me?

My brain tells me that she looks fun and we should definitely go to bed together.  I should look her in the eye and see her as another one of God's children just trying to make it as best as she can.

My brain tells me I can have a toke and a shot and nobody will find out.  I should go find an alcoholic or go to a meeting and report that my mind is playing tricks on me again and that I need to think that through and bring into my mind what REALLY happens when I do that.

But seriously, it starts with sitting on my hands and just trying to abandon myself.

This resonated with me a lot and is already helping me. Thank you. I want to go get a bottle of wine or two right now to end the week. But I thought about your comment. That's what I want to do. So I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to fall for the excuse of "it's the weekend, you can stop starting next week". Fuck that. If I'm taking a break or quitting or rewiring my brain I'm going to start right now. 

Maybe I'll be drunk as shit tomorrow but for now I'm locking myself in my apartment and finding an activity besides drinking. Finding something else that I want to do. 

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2 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

I considered that. If it makes anyone feel better, I nearly chopped the tip of my ring finger in two in the kitchen tonight. So the gods are punishing me.

To be fair he is one of the biggest smartasses on this board and that's a competitive list. An endearing smartass, but a smartass nonetheless. 

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20 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

how you doin z?

need to work on your knife technique swandered

Had a nice post-work gaming session. Rubbed one out. Took a hot bath. Settled in for a movie around 11 and really wanted a drink. Felt that itch hard. Made a cup of coffee instead, been ripping my ecig, and best of all I'm not going to wake up hungover tomorrow. I think coffee is going to be a good friend of mine to stave off the craving. Feeling good about day 2. 

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On 1/25/2019 at 1:59 PM, BurntEyes said:

Hmm well, I controlled my favorite drink of choice like a champion.

You see, when I drank Jameson I ordered double neats. I was a great tipper, so I'm told, and those doubles were closer to quads. Then I could efficiently control whether I wanted to drink it in one gulp or 4 "sips". I had a club soda back and got those for free which controlled "spending" too. Best part was, as due to what I was told was great tipping my bartenders always seemed very fast to top me up again 5-15 minutes later. 15 min in case I was taking it easy with my quad neat Jamesons. 

Not to mention, I lived in Chicago and if I had somehow neglected to purchase a bottle prior I could pick one up at 7-11 across the street before retiring home, where I had 100% controll of how fast I poured my "double" Jameson neats. I did have to buy the club soda for home, however the Jameson was cheaper than the cost at bars so I was still controlling cost.

I'm so sorry you weren't the master of control that I was.. 

lmfao.  I used to get overwhelming resentments against sluggish bartenders.  And 3 weeks before my sobriety date I got tossed from a bar and almost arrested for PI when the bartender cut me off for being "too drunk."  Oh that bitch set me off.  I gave her my best heil hitler and goose stepped back and forth in front of the bar and bitched her out.  Then when the cops arrived my GF had to promise that she would take me home immediately and put me to bed otherwise I was going to the drunk tank.  It was New Year's Eve and the cops were rookies, you could tell that they just wanted me to go away.

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8 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

lmfao.  I used to get overwhelming resentments against sluggish bartenders.  And 3 weeks before my sobriety date I got tossed from a bar and almost arrested for PI when the bartender cut me off for being "too drunk."  Oh that bitch set me off.  I gave her my best heil hitler and goose stepped back and forth in front of the bar and bitched her out.  Then when the cops arrived my GF had to promise that she would take me home immediately and put me to bed otherwise I was going to the drunk tank.  It was New Year's Eve and the cops were rookies, you could tell that they just wanted me to go away.

Man, fuck that. Two of my PIs were for tamer shit. (although one got dismissed). I'm disappointed in those cops. (kidding, ofc).

The third one... well... yeah I deserved that one. 

Going on 4 days without a drink - probably my longest stretch since June. This having energy and not crashing by 5pm thing is nice. And I've been catching myself smiling for no reason at all or feeling happy just because. 

My cravings kind of come and go. I don't feel powerless but I also want to keep stringing days together. I think maybe for the first time I feel like I could go the rest of my life without a drink. I feel like it's up to me - like I'm not damned to one outcome or the other. The "stop listening to yourself" advice has helped a lot in this regard. 

Now, if anyone takes my caffeine and/or nicotine away from me right now I'll probably put a brick through someone's windshield. But we can work on one thing at a time, starting with the one that will kill me. 

 

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6 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

Just go to AA, mainly because of the interesting and glamorous people you will find. Very interesting crowd.

It's on my list.

Just started the clip of your dad. 30 seconds in, "I'm not real sure where I'm going with this" (winds up being 49 minutes).

This has potential. 

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I know some people have, and it seems a bit controversial in the hard core community, but anyone tried naltrexone? I’ve been drinking a long time but haven’t experienced any acute consequences.

I talked to my PCP and told him I wasn’t near ready to commit to a 12 step program at this point but one could be in my future. I drink a lot but not enough to get me in trouble at work or (most of the time) at home. And this has been going on twenty years, 16 of them married.

I asked for a scrip, he gave it and I’m giving it a try.

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If you believe that you have found an easier softer way, more power to you. No one here is going to accuse you of getting sober the wrong way. It takes what it takes.

While I do believe that it is theoretically possible to reverse Pavlov‘s Dog this thing,  it’s probably super important that you have not done damage to your liver already. If you do need to give your liver a break, then it makes no sense to keep pushing it to prove a point.

We have Naltrexone inquiries from time to time, but their input seems to disappear not long after. You would think if they found some miracle in their lives that made them happy, joyous, and free that they would return to help spread that message.

More power to you. Let us know how it goes.

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I get and and understand the odds are not objectively great for a drug solution to a drug problem. Most folks need a more way-out-of-your-comfort zone approach. But I don’t think I’d be there for a long time. I’m now over 40. My long term physical health is the driving factor but, through bad luck coincidence, my kidney and liver function have been tested over and over the last two years (cancer) and they’re fine (cancer now almost assuredly beat).

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I know some people have, and it seems a bit controversial in the hard core community, but anyone tried naltrexone? I’ve been drinking a long time but haven’t experienced any acute consequences.  

I talked to my PCP and told him I wasn’t near ready to commit to a 12 step program at this point but one could be in my future. I drink a lot but not enough to get me in trouble at work or (most of the time) at home. And this has been going on twenty years, 16 of them married.

 

I asked for a scrip, he gave it and I’m giving it a try.

 

Then why on Earth would you stop drinking if you don't have any consequences? Why do you even think about how much you drink? Why not go out and just enjoy the fuck out of drinking? That's a very serious question. 

This is the alcoholic thread, and you're welcome here. But if what you are attempting was so popular and successful then we'd probably have a "controlling and enjoying our drinking via pharmaceuticals" thread.

 

Also let's talk about comfort zones. . .the entire 12 step approach is designed to put you squarely in the middle of the comfort zones.

 

People who are resistant to attending 12 step recovery because they might feel uncomfortable. . .holy shit, thoughts and prayers. If they only knew the truth they'd come stampeding.

 

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11 hours ago, Hanrahan said:

I know some people have, and it seems a bit controversial in the hard core community, but anyone tried naltrexone?

It works as advertised if you are on it and drink alcohol. You stop feeling the effects of the alcohol during the second drink. 

If you are an alcoholic like me, once that happens you'll go to any lengths to avoid taking naltrexone. After rehab, I was getting that shot once a month. While I hated how it made me feel physically, I think the main reason I stopped getting it was because I didn't want to be trapped on Day 14 with that shit in my system if I decided I needed to drink. My brain works that way because I'm alcoholic and all I can ever really do is stay sober today. I'm not willing or able to stay sober in the future, just the present. 

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3 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

It works as advertised if you are on it and drink alcohol. You stop feeling the effects of the alcohol during the second drink. 

If you are an alcoholic like me, once that happens you'll go to any lengths to avoid taking naltrexone. After rehab, I was getting that shot once a month. While I hated how it made me feel physically, I think the main reason I stopped getting it was because I didn't want to be trapped on Day 14 with that shit in my system if I decided I needed to drink. My brain works that way because I'm alcoholic and all I can ever really do is stay sober today. I'm not willing or able to stay sober in the future, just the present. 

Co-signed.  One palliative effect that it did have was to reduce some aspect of the hangover related to craving.  That is, toward the end, I had discovered hair of the dog, and many times the hangover from the previous night/day's activities only increased my desire to commence consumption at the earliest opportunity, rather than deterring it as it might in a "normie" or normal drinker.  Naltrexone both reduced the misery of hangovers and to some extent eliminated the "cravey" aspect of them.

And that was consistent with what my doc said it would do.  But overall, I didn't find it sufficient in and of itself.  And I am not sure what it offers someone who is embarking on the "stop drinking" train for the first time.

Really, until you have tried to stop drinking and failed, the utility of counseling, drugs, or programs is pretty much speculation.

 

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11 hours ago, Hanrahan said:

I drink a lot but not enough to get me in trouble at work or (most of the time) at home

Man- I second Bear!.

Do whatever works.  Seriously.  If you don't have any consequences, just moderate for your health's sake or if you can live happily and aren't a Tasmanian Devil to those around you by taking that pill or just stopping , go for it.

I would however suggest that you check with those around you that love you and get their take on whether there are any consequences to your drinking.   When I was drinking my view of the world ended at the tip of my nose and unless I physically felt a consequence, I was blind to it.  Others were suffering at my hands.

Those around you may see things that you aren't.  Maybe not, but it is worth asking since you are already dipping your toe in the water and thinking about it.

Good luck and I'm happy for you that you've kicked cancer's ass!

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2 minutes ago, Hanrahan said:

Thanks for all your replies.  I'm not going to respond to them individually but it would appear I'm going to find out if I'm an alcoholic or not in the next few weeks or months.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Yes, best wishes that it goes ok.

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18 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

lmfao.  I used to get overwhelming resentments against sluggish bartenders.  And 3 weeks before my sobriety date I got tossed from a bar and almost arrested for PI when the bartender cut me off for being "too drunk."  Oh that bitch set me off.  I gave her my best heil hitler and goose stepped back and forth in front of the bar and bitched her out.  Then when the cops arrived my GF had to promise that she would take me home immediately and put me to bed otherwise I was going to the drunk tank.  It was New Year's Eve and the cops were rookies, you could tell that they just wanted me to go away.

maxresdefault.jpg

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15 hours ago, Hanrahan said:

I know some people have, and it seems a bit controversial in the hard core community, but anyone tried naltrexone? I’ve been drinking a long time but haven’t experienced any acute consequences.

I talked to my PCP and told him I wasn’t near ready to commit to a 12 step program at this point but one could be in my future. I drink a lot but not enough to get me in trouble at work or (most of the time) at home. And this has been going on twenty years, 16 of them married.

I asked for a scrip, he gave it and I’m giving it a try.

It's worth a shot. I tried Naltrexone and it made me sick as shit. Yeah I didn't want to drink anything, I also didn't want to eat anything for a full 24 hours which was a bit of an issue.

I still have a full bottle of it in my medicine cabinet. 

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3 hours ago, Ptown said:

The Sinclair Method saved my life, after 5 years of trying and failing at AA, I was willing to do anything that might work. If your willing to commit to TSM,  it will work and the success rate for it is waaaaay higher than the success rate for AA. Best of luck man. 

I think the part that I've bolded holds true for AA as well, It's working for me today at least. Friday was 3 years. Just committed for the day.

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37 minutes ago, Ptown said:

I would say that depends on the withdrawal symptom of the the individual, and how significant of a bottom have they hit. When I would have terrible panic attacks, I don't know if any commitment or bottom would be enough to stop me from drinking. That's just my experience. 

I would consider hospitalization and a willingness to take that step towards sobriety to be a commitment. Been there, done that. I spent a decade plus  knocking the better part of a handle out every two days. Once detoxed then the daily commitment remains crucial to the long term success of any attempt at sobriety. That's been my experience.

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41 minutes ago, Ptown said:

When I would have terrible panic attacks, I don't know if any commitment or bottom would be enough to stop me from drinking. That's just my experience. 

 

4 hours ago, Ptown said:

If your willing to commit to TSM,

Not to be argumentative as I am thrilled you were able to get sober, but in your 1st post you mentioned that you had to commit to TSM, but them you said you didn't know of any commitment that would stop you from drinking.  

Really doesn't matter I guess - it takes what it takes.  Glad you found some relief, but relying on my will power to take something to keep me from taking something wouldn't work on this old drunk.  I have to put more between me and me than a pill.

Edited by Reagan1k
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10 hours ago, ztejas said:

Think I'm going to check out the clean air group off of Meadow and 75 in Dallas tonight at 6:30 - is anyone a regular? 

Lmk if anyone is going to be there or wants to join.

That used to be Cut The Crack Jack's home group. It's been debated whether he still posts here. I've only visited once, and I think it was a group conscience (planning stuff). Seemed like a strong group.

Well?

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10 hours ago, JohnnyRage said:

That used to be Cut The Crack Jack's home group. It's been debated whether he still posts here. I've only visited once, and I think it was a group conscience (planning stuff). Seemed like a strong group.

Well?

It was fine. They had a speaker and she was pretty good but dragged a bit towards the end. Definitely said several things that resonated with me.

Overall seemed like a good crowd. Can't speak to CTCJ's attendance. I think I'd be more interested in an "open discussion" type meeting. 

One more note: strong female presence which was cool. Across all ages it seemed like.

Edited by ztejas
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On 1/30/2019 at 8:38 AM, ztejas said:

It was fine. They had a speaker and she was pretty good but dragged a bit towards the end. Definitely said several things that resonated with me.

Overall seemed like a good crowd. Can't speak to CTCJ's attendance. I think I'd be more interested in an "open discussion" type meeting. 

One more note: strong female presence which was cool. Across all ages it seemed like.

You have probably figured this out, but most groups have a "speaker meeting" once or twice a month.  Then, the other meetings tend to be more the regular format of "open discussion."  There's a bit of "decoding" to be done on types of meetings.  On occasion, you will get an outdated schedule and accidentally show up for a women's meeting and that is probably the most unwelcome you will ever feel at an AA meeting.  Lol.

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4 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

You have probably figured this out, but most groups have a "speaker meeting" once or twice a month.  Then, the other meetings tend to be more the regular format of "open discussion."  There's a bit of "decoding" to be done on types of meetings.  On occasion, you will get an outdated schedule and accidentally show up for a women's meeting and that is probably the most unwelcome you will ever feel at an AA meeting.  Lol.

Last week or so of any given month can also be a birthday night depending on the group and their schedule. The short talks most celebrants give can be pretty awesome.

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18 hours ago, ztejas said:

Oh I'm well aware. But thank you.

Yeah my first and only AA girlfriend ended up dead at 45 of liver failure.  I can't even.

Still, she was the most gorgeous creature I've ever known, the affection and destruction between alcoholics is staggering.

Sick attracts Sick

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