Jump to content
  • Why Texas Stomps a Mudhole In LSU's Ass


    closetojumping

     

    One of the great things about being a Texas fan is that the football team plays at least 10 P5 teams each year. I heard some SEC honk on XM 84 mention recently that Georgia is really showing the world who’s the balls by playing an amazing 10 P5 games this year.

    “Wow. I’m sexually aroused, Commander.”

    You know who else plays 10 P5 games this year? Every fucking Pac 12, Big 10, and Big 12 team in existence, you myopic fuck. These fucking clowns have gone so deep into their own fart-huffing that they forgot that the sport is actually played beyond the range of their backwater region.

    Anyway, part of what’s great about how Texas plays its 10 P5 games is that the 10th game is damned near always against a worthy opponent with a well-known brand. This year is no different, as the horns don their gear this Saturday to face a powerful foe in the LSU Tigers. It should be a great match-up and fun Saturday night. And by that, I mean I expect Texas to stomp a deep and dirty mudhole painfully into the ass of these Cajun hillbillies and send them packing back to the swampy nether regions faster than you can spot corruption in their state government.

    “But closetojumping, LSU’s student athletes are among the elite in college sports!”

    First of all, let’s be clear about something, I don’t think LSU is even an accredited university. The trolls showing up to this site, and anyone who’s ever read TigerDroppings can also attest, simply reflect the concept that LSU isn’t an actual school, therefore these are not “Student” Athletes that UT is playing. Look at the facts:

    -LSU has an application acceptance rate of 74%. The literacy rate for the state of Louisiana most recently posted at 69% according to the Department of Education. Basic math says this is an open-enrollment school creating vocational opportunities for the literate and semi-literate in its home state. They’re effectively taking anyone from Louisiana that can sign their name on the application.

    -The admission standards and average SAT scores accepted into LSU are lower than the NCAA eligibility requirements for true freshmen student athletes entering into its FBS schools. A state of Texas GED is an acceptable posting of the documents required for acceptance into LSU.

    Given this data, it’s reasonable to assess that LSU’s football team is in effect a local team of mercenaries that do not face the same academic and educational responsibilities that any of their opponents besides Ole Miss, Auburn, and Mississippi State will face. So they’re not to be called student-athletes, and they’re able to show up competing with that advantage against Texas. I still like where we sit against them and their fans, both in this game and in life.

    “closetojumping, you seem awfully bullish about Texas facing a team with a new offensive juggernaut of an offense that dismantled a mighty 10 win team last weekend.”

    I keep hearing a couple of refrains from LSU visitors, the media talking heads, and the coelenterates cloaked in UT gear that surface themselves on the boards and at the proverbial water cooler. The mighty new offense is one of the bigger talking points as to why Texas shouldn’t even bother showing up this weekend.

    So LSU hired a guy that’s never actually been a coordinator of any sort and shoved him into the pedestrian Ensminger’s thinking, and asked those two to have a football baby. And we’re supposed to be concerned, especially after watching LSU publicly buttfuck the wizards of GA Southern. “Hey, GAS won 10 games last year, they’re strong.” Right. Their best win last year was against Appalachian State. They were blown out by ULM. So, no, pummeling a shithole team from the Sun Belt doesn’t do anything for me. I realize, given LSU’s troubles with the Sun Belt, this is a step up, like going from using an outhouse to having indoor plumbing.

    A wise philosopher once said that everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face. Installing a new offense with a nonbelieving head coach that panics when he sees his offenses actively using motion faces more peril than what a cupcake can present. When Texas sends LSU back to the sidelines after a couple of 3 and outs, let’s see how much resolve Brady and Ensminger have when Baron von Edward Beauregard Orgeron is heaving red bull and dirty rice flavored, spittle-loaded invective in their direction and regressing the offense back to 3 yards and a cloud of dust. Orgeron’s loomed like a gargoyle over the offensive strategy of his staff in every season of every stop he’s made as a head coach. It’s difficult to fathom that he’s shaken that monkey in one offseason because an analyst from the Saints was hired.

    The oldest running joke in college football is that LSU has opened up its offense. That punchline will be toasted again in the late hours of Saturday night.

    “CTJ, these LSU boys got that swagger though!!! They Sposed to be SEC!!!”

    A team hasn’t talked this much shit about an opponent since Miami prepared to face Penn State in the 1987 Fiesta Bowl. The media has certainly bathed LSU in Sazerac-flavored glory as the LSU idiots have fed them sound byte after sound byte.

    K’Lavon Chaisson and his 3 career sacks has pulled up in his shit smelling clown car and spouted off at the mouth to anyone who will listen. This guy must still be pissed that Tom Herman took up residence in his home for 8 hours and subjected him to bingewatching Friends.

    One of the linebackers has announced that they’re going to run over Sam Cosmi in 10 different ways. I can’t remember which one said it, and while my understanding is that their LB corps is apparently on par with 70’s Steelers, I don’t see a single fucking one that can sniff Devin White’s jock, and he’s long gone.

    Their entire DB unit has collectively rubbed its sandy vagina and moaned that Texas, a program that has put more than 60 DBs into the league, has the temerity to continue to claim a moniker that UT’s been using for 3 decades. The LSU DBs are hurt because history apparently started with Patrick Peterson and the fucking Honey Badger. Right. Sorry, LSU, we forgot you were there.

    All of the shit talking and chest beating is the same false bravado we witnessed in our last 2 endeavors against overrated SEC teams. They’re fucking great because they say they are. It’s got all the markings of a situation in which a team shows up, throws their helmets out on the field, and says “okay, we’re here, give us the W”. As Texas fans, we know it all too well, having seen that bullshit start with overhype at the turn of the decade and the UT teams of that period playing right into it.

    Herman lives for this kind of game and situation, and his team feeds off of it as well. Underdogs at home? Getting shittalked by clowns who’ve never shared the field with Texas? Big national audience? All those boxes are checked and the history of those circumstances tells us that Texas will be ready.

    Beyond the mental prep, or lack thereof, depending upon the side, there’s also a really simple exercise to think through here. If you had one game to win against a highly touted and talented opponent, which head coach would you want prepping the strategy for your team and hatching the gameplan – Tom Herman or Sir Edgar Beaujolais Orgeron, Esq.? Only LSU fans are dumb enough to claim they’d choose the latter.

    “OH NO closetojumping, you’ve doomed us to our fate!!”

    I mudhole posted about USC last year, if it makes you feel any better. Stop squatting to pee. Texas wins this game with a score closer than the way the game was actually played on the field – 31-24. I expect misdirection, tempo, and a steady diet of fat ass LSU defenders sucking wind. The Texas defense will sell out to stop the run and force Jesus Joe Burrow to swagger the passing game to a big night while the beached whales masquerading as offensive linemen attempt to fend off multiple blitzes in front of him.

    I look forward to seeing many hot and trashy Cajun females bawling after the game, barely speaking audible English, lamenting the beating their team just took. LSU players, apparently, will be looking forward to heading back to the lockerroom so they can continue to compare notes on how they’re going to rape each other, or whatever the fuck this is:

     

     

    Anyway, Hook'em


    User Feedback

    Recommended Comments



    7 minutes ago, Bobby_Batronic said:

    Let me translate since I married into a family of swamp running coonasses, jackasses and shrimpin’ Chinks.

    A baw is your basic jackass who is equal parts bro, wannabe country boy and pretentious football fan who wears his designer sunglasses, blue jeans and red wings as an extension of his personality. A baw tries to compensate for the fact that he can’t afford the payments on his jacked up F-250 by strutting around in cammo gear as though he just spent the week filling in as a stuntman in First Blood when the only thing he actually hunted was some Cane’s chicken fingers. He’s the asshole who shows up at the wedding in full LSU tiger gear with a case in back for the reception...as a groomsman.

    Take away conversations about duck hunting, his latest truck accoutrements or his football team of choice and you’re left with a near vacuous mute that communicates like Sloth with Chunk. Imagine a die hard Tide fine from South Alabama, and then take away any sense of self awareness. Basically, an idiots attempt at being a flashy good old boy.

    They’ll litter Austin with refuse and general jackassery, but on the bright side most of the city’s road kill will be cleaned from the shoulders and served at their tailgates. 

    This was nice.

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    Just now, Dr Grind said:

    Always need a few bodies on the bench

    That’s pretty big talk from a team running Lanard Fournette in their 2 deep. His google result is “Leonard Fournette’s brother” for a reason. I’d say we could use him at RB, but we’re better off with a converted LB for depth.

     

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    38 minutes ago, Dr Grind said:

    We are setting up in Lot 37.  Come have a beer baw.  Look for the purple and gold confederate battle flag and the ice chest full of natty

    Forwarding to the Cajun Navy for the post-game rescue of broken spirits.

    • Like 3
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    32 minutes ago, Dr Grind said:

    Let's talk about the actual game baws.  How many times is Sam going to have to throw it since ya'll don't have a running back?  I find it funny that I saw LSU having 5 running backs as a weakness

    You have to understand UT logic.  LSU rotating 5 talented RBs is a weakness and UT having one legit RB starter and a converted LB and QB to RB as backups is a strength. 

    • Like 1
    • Fuck You 4
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    3 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

    You have to understand UT logic.  LSU rotating 5 talented RBs is a weakness and UT having one legit RB starter and a converted LB and QB to RB as backups is a strength. 

    You fucking morons.  There are half a dozen threads on this board for serious analysis of the game and the teams' relative strengths, etc.  This is a mudhole post.  Talk shit or GTFO.

    • Like 3
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    4 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

    You have to understand UT logic.  LSU rotating 5 talented RBs is a weakness and UT having one legit RB starter and a converted LB and QB to RB as backups is a strength. 

    Nobody has said our rb depth is a strength, at least not seriously. 

    Your 5 rbs combined for 3.8 ypc against Georgia community college and tire repair. Does that mean they all suck, only some, or your line sucks?  In no way does it show strength. 

    • Like 2
    • Haha 1
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    1 minute ago, TwiceHorn said:

    You fucking morons.  There are half a dozen threads on this board for serious analysis of the game and the teams' relative strengths, etc.  This is a mudhole post.  Talk shit or GTFO.

    Exactly!

    And your fucking gumbo sucks! Just like your poboys and cajun catfish with dirty rice!

    Now I'm hungry. 

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    2 minutes ago, Dr Grind said:

    Makes sense when you play a soft as baby shit Big 12 schedule 

    One B12 school lost to an SEC school in bowl games last year, and that was Alabama. LSU is not Alabama.

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    2 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

    Nobody has said our rb depth is a strength, at least not seriously. 

    Your 5 rbs combined for 3.8 ypc against Georgia community college and tire repair. Does that mean they all suck, only some, or your line sucks?  In no way does it show strength. 

    I love the problem of abundance of riches. But focus on the 3.8 ypc stat and totally ignore the 8.8 yard per reception for the RBs (which are essentially <5 yard hand-offs). 

    • Fuck You 4
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    5 minutes ago, hornhorn said:

    Exactly!

    And your fucking gumbo sucks! Just like your poboys and cajun catfish with dirty rice!

    Now I'm hungry. 

    And muffulettas.  And ben...benie...begn...These motherfuckers

    Traditional-New-Orleans-Beignets-recipe.

    • Like 4
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    1 minute ago, GumboPot said:

    I love the problem of abundance of riches. But focus on the 3.8 ypc stat and totally ignore the 8.8 yard per reception for the RBs (which are essentially <5 yard hand-offs). 

    200.gif

    • Like 3
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    54 minutes ago, formermav43 said:

    You mean the “word” “baw.” It’s not triggering, it’s confusion at your foreign tongue.

    Yep, those cajuns talking like their mouths are full of testicles can cause confusion when trying to interpret that mush mouth garbage.

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    3 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

    I love the problem of abundance of riches. But focus on the 3.8 ypc stat and totally ignore the 8.8 yard per reception for the RBs (which are essentially <5 yard hand-offs). 

    One game and this fool is lecturing us on how the spread offense works

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    1 minute ago, Dr Grind said:

    What section of that mickey mouse stadium yall baws going to be in?  I'll be in 26 so feel free to come catch some hands

    Free handies? Must be an SEC tradition.

    • Like 5
    • Haha 1
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    53 minutes ago, closetojumping said:

    Enjoyed the post. One thing this reminded me of, which I fucking forgot to include in the original post, is that Marquis Edgart Templeton Orgeron III is also an admitted woman beater. He beat a woman around so regularly while in Miami that she had to get a restraining order on his shitty fucking ass. So, again, it's been a glorious career for this fucking shitbag. 

    Welp. This needs it’s own thread...

    • Like 1
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    2 minutes ago, Dr Grind said:

    What section of that mickey mouse stadium yall baws going to be in?  I'll be in 26 so feel free to come catch some hands

    Slight problem though, we'll all be in 2019 while you're living large in 1919 with your homophobia. 

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    Just now, hornhorn said:

    Slight problem though, we'll all be in 2019 while you're living large in 1919 with your homophobia. 

    Think you need to talk with your baw F250 about homophobia

    • Fuck You 7
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    5 hours ago, GumboPot said:

    There is a lot of BS in your post and little substance.  How do you feel about match-ups?

    LSU O-Line versus UT D-Line?

    Will UT's backup RBs have the smarts to recognize and pick up Dave Aranda's blitz packages?

    You know that 2nd TD pass in the LaTech game by Ehlinger gets picked off by LSU DBs, right?

    How do you feel about UT DBs matching up with LSU WRs?

     

    I hope Herman's game plan it to test our freshman corner Stingley.  Do you realize Stingley played on the 7 versus 7 circuit since eight grade against your wide receivers?  The point is, he knows them already. Oh, and please kick to Stingley on punts. 

     

    How to feel about our DL matched up against your OL?  Do you realize that our NT Tyler Shelvin is playing himself into a 1st round pick in a couple of years and he is backed up by two very talented freshman in Ika and Evans. Furthermore the depth at NT has allowed Fehoko to move to DE in Aranda's 3-4.

     

    I also don't think you realize the depth LSU has at LB.  You will know the name "Jacoby Stevens" by the end of the game.  

    Your entire post just proved his point about false, SEC SEC SEC bravado. 

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    15 minutes ago, Texassucksdick said:

    You guys are worst then A&M, an that’s saying a lot! I’ll be back after the game to to see how y’all doing. Should be a fantastic melt. 

    Btw. LSU 38-13. 

    SECSECSEC!! 

    ...

    • Like 3
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    Let me translate since I married into a family of swamp running coonasses, jackasses and shrimpin’ Chinks.
    A baw is your basic jackass who is equal parts bro, wannabe country boy and pretentious football fan who wears his designer sunglasses, blue jeans and red wings as an extension of his personality. A baw tries to compensate for the fact that he can’t afford the payments on his jacked up F-250 by strutting around in cammo gear as though he just spent the week filling in as a stuntman in First Blood when the only thing he actually hunted was some Cane’s chicken fingers. He’s the asshole who shows up at the wedding in full LSU tiger gear with a case in back for the reception...as a groomsman.
    Take away conversations about duck hunting, his latest truck accoutrements or his football team of choice and you’re left with a near vacuous mute that communicates like Sloth with Chunk. Imagine a die hard Tide fine from South Alabama, and then take away any sense of self awareness. Basically, an idiots attempt at being a flashy good old boy.
    They’ll litter Austin with refuse and general jackassery, but on the bright side most of the city’s road kill will be cleaned from the shoulders and served at their tailgates. 

    So baw = aggy

    Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk

    • Like 1
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    You guys are worst then A&M, an that’s saying a lot! I’ll be back after the game to to see how y’all doing. Should be a fantastic melt. 
    Btw. LSU 38-13. 
    SECSECSEC!! 

    Hi aggy! Switching coattails from Bama to LSU?
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    20 minutes ago, Texassucksdick said:

    You guys are worst then A&M, an that’s saying a lot! I’ll be back after the game to to see how y’all doing. Should be a fantastic melt. 

    Btw. LSU 38-13. 

    SECSECSEC!! 

    The English language, how does it work?

    • Haha 1
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    39 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

    You have to understand UT logic.  LSU rotating 5 talented RBs is a weakness and UT having one legit RB starter and a converted LB and QB to RB as backups is a strength. 

    More accurately: it don't make a shit.

    Texas has a HC that produced a NC winning offense with a 3rd string QB.  Lack of depth is hardly a deal breaker in Tom Herman's world.

    • Like 1
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites




    Guest
    Add a comment...

    ×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

      Only 75 emoji are allowed.

    ×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

    ×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

    ×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.




×
×
  • Create New...