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  • Why Texas Stomps a Mudhole In LSU's Ass


    closetojumping

     

    One of the great things about being a Texas fan is that the football team plays at least 10 P5 teams each year. I heard some SEC honk on XM 84 mention recently that Georgia is really showing the world who’s the balls by playing an amazing 10 P5 games this year.

    “Wow. I’m sexually aroused, Commander.”

    You know who else plays 10 P5 games this year? Every fucking Pac 12, Big 10, and Big 12 team in existence, you myopic fuck. These fucking clowns have gone so deep into their own fart-huffing that they forgot that the sport is actually played beyond the range of their backwater region.

    Anyway, part of what’s great about how Texas plays its 10 P5 games is that the 10th game is damned near always against a worthy opponent with a well-known brand. This year is no different, as the horns don their gear this Saturday to face a powerful foe in the LSU Tigers. It should be a great match-up and fun Saturday night. And by that, I mean I expect Texas to stomp a deep and dirty mudhole painfully into the ass of these Cajun hillbillies and send them packing back to the swampy nether regions faster than you can spot corruption in their state government.

    “But closetojumping, LSU’s student athletes are among the elite in college sports!”

    First of all, let’s be clear about something, I don’t think LSU is even an accredited university. The trolls showing up to this site, and anyone who’s ever read TigerDroppings can also attest, simply reflect the concept that LSU isn’t an actual school, therefore these are not “Student” Athletes that UT is playing. Look at the facts:

    -LSU has an application acceptance rate of 74%. The literacy rate for the state of Louisiana most recently posted at 69% according to the Department of Education. Basic math says this is an open-enrollment school creating vocational opportunities for the literate and semi-literate in its home state. They’re effectively taking anyone from Louisiana that can sign their name on the application.

    -The admission standards and average SAT scores accepted into LSU are lower than the NCAA eligibility requirements for true freshmen student athletes entering into its FBS schools. A state of Texas GED is an acceptable posting of the documents required for acceptance into LSU.

    Given this data, it’s reasonable to assess that LSU’s football team is in effect a local team of mercenaries that do not face the same academic and educational responsibilities that any of their opponents besides Ole Miss, Auburn, and Mississippi State will face. So they’re not to be called student-athletes, and they’re able to show up competing with that advantage against Texas. I still like where we sit against them and their fans, both in this game and in life.

    “closetojumping, you seem awfully bullish about Texas facing a team with a new offensive juggernaut of an offense that dismantled a mighty 10 win team last weekend.”

    I keep hearing a couple of refrains from LSU visitors, the media talking heads, and the coelenterates cloaked in UT gear that surface themselves on the boards and at the proverbial water cooler. The mighty new offense is one of the bigger talking points as to why Texas shouldn’t even bother showing up this weekend.

    So LSU hired a guy that’s never actually been a coordinator of any sort and shoved him into the pedestrian Ensminger’s thinking, and asked those two to have a football baby. And we’re supposed to be concerned, especially after watching LSU publicly buttfuck the wizards of GA Southern. “Hey, GAS won 10 games last year, they’re strong.” Right. Their best win last year was against Appalachian State. They were blown out by ULM. So, no, pummeling a shithole team from the Sun Belt doesn’t do anything for me. I realize, given LSU’s troubles with the Sun Belt, this is a step up, like going from using an outhouse to having indoor plumbing.

    A wise philosopher once said that everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face. Installing a new offense with a nonbelieving head coach that panics when he sees his offenses actively using motion faces more peril than what a cupcake can present. When Texas sends LSU back to the sidelines after a couple of 3 and outs, let’s see how much resolve Brady and Ensminger have when Baron von Edward Beauregard Orgeron is heaving red bull and dirty rice flavored, spittle-loaded invective in their direction and regressing the offense back to 3 yards and a cloud of dust. Orgeron’s loomed like a gargoyle over the offensive strategy of his staff in every season of every stop he’s made as a head coach. It’s difficult to fathom that he’s shaken that monkey in one offseason because an analyst from the Saints was hired.

    The oldest running joke in college football is that LSU has opened up its offense. That punchline will be toasted again in the late hours of Saturday night.

    “CTJ, these LSU boys got that swagger though!!! They Sposed to be SEC!!!”

    A team hasn’t talked this much shit about an opponent since Miami prepared to face Penn State in the 1987 Fiesta Bowl. The media has certainly bathed LSU in Sazerac-flavored glory as the LSU idiots have fed them sound byte after sound byte.

    K’Lavon Chaisson and his 3 career sacks has pulled up in his shit smelling clown car and spouted off at the mouth to anyone who will listen. This guy must still be pissed that Tom Herman took up residence in his home for 8 hours and subjected him to bingewatching Friends.

    One of the linebackers has announced that they’re going to run over Sam Cosmi in 10 different ways. I can’t remember which one said it, and while my understanding is that their LB corps is apparently on par with 70’s Steelers, I don’t see a single fucking one that can sniff Devin White’s jock, and he’s long gone.

    Their entire DB unit has collectively rubbed its sandy vagina and moaned that Texas, a program that has put more than 60 DBs into the league, has the temerity to continue to claim a moniker that UT’s been using for 3 decades. The LSU DBs are hurt because history apparently started with Patrick Peterson and the fucking Honey Badger. Right. Sorry, LSU, we forgot you were there.

    All of the shit talking and chest beating is the same false bravado we witnessed in our last 2 endeavors against overrated SEC teams. They’re fucking great because they say they are. It’s got all the markings of a situation in which a team shows up, throws their helmets out on the field, and says “okay, we’re here, give us the W”. As Texas fans, we know it all too well, having seen that bullshit start with overhype at the turn of the decade and the UT teams of that period playing right into it.

    Herman lives for this kind of game and situation, and his team feeds off of it as well. Underdogs at home? Getting shittalked by clowns who’ve never shared the field with Texas? Big national audience? All those boxes are checked and the history of those circumstances tells us that Texas will be ready.

    Beyond the mental prep, or lack thereof, depending upon the side, there’s also a really simple exercise to think through here. If you had one game to win against a highly touted and talented opponent, which head coach would you want prepping the strategy for your team and hatching the gameplan – Tom Herman or Sir Edgar Beaujolais Orgeron, Esq.? Only LSU fans are dumb enough to claim they’d choose the latter.

    “OH NO closetojumping, you’ve doomed us to our fate!!”

    I mudhole posted about USC last year, if it makes you feel any better. Stop squatting to pee. Texas wins this game with a score closer than the way the game was actually played on the field – 31-24. I expect misdirection, tempo, and a steady diet of fat ass LSU defenders sucking wind. The Texas defense will sell out to stop the run and force Jesus Joe Burrow to swagger the passing game to a big night while the beached whales masquerading as offensive linemen attempt to fend off multiple blitzes in front of him.

    I look forward to seeing many hot and trashy Cajun females bawling after the game, barely speaking audible English, lamenting the beating their team just took. LSU players, apparently, will be looking forward to heading back to the lockerroom so they can continue to compare notes on how they’re going to rape each other, or whatever the fuck this is:

     

     

    Anyway, Hook'em


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    ROTFLcopter.  Where are all the horn fans today?  Been hanging with Tigers at the bar all morning but have yet to see any horns or get a hook em yelled at me? wtf?

    You see,Texas alumni have a thing called jobs. It’s not something you Boudreaux’s are real familiar with.
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    6 minutes ago, DR Grind420 said:

    ROTFLcopter.  Where are all the horn fans today?  Been hanging with Tigers at the bar all morning but have yet to see any horns or get a hook em yelled at me? wtf?

    We have jobs, because we went to an accredited university and, thus, were able to attain gainful employment upon graduation.  I know that's uncommon in Louisiana, but it's par for the course for Texas grads.

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    Sucks to suck I guess, one of the benefits of being your own boss is you can start tailgating early on Friday.  I know being a sandwich artist is stressful so I will let you get back to it baws!

    • Fuck You 4
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    4 minutes ago, DR Grind420 said:

    Sucks to suck I guess, one of the benefits of being your own boss is you can start tailgating early on Friday.  I know being a sandwich artist is stressful so I will let you get back to it baws!

    more like dr grindr

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    4 minutes ago, DR Grind420 said:

    Sucks to suck I guess, one of the benefits of being your own boss . . . 

    Good grief, the MLM facebook vultures have made their way to Surly.

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    17 minutes ago, DR Grind420 said:

    Sucks to suck I guess, one of the benefits of being your own boss is you can start tailgating early on Friday.

    So are you a meth dealer or a gator wrassler?

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    1 minute ago, DR Grind420 said:

    This ain't a dawg game cuzzo.  We kicked the shit out of that team last year and they actually gave a shit about that game

    I was just replying that we're familiar with comical arrogance.  We see it every time we face an sec team.

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    1 minute ago, DR Grind420 said:

    This ain't a dawg game cuzzo.  We kicked the shit out of that team last year and they actually gave a shit about that game

    You should make a prediction video.  Show off that PT Cruiser you rolled into town in.

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    3 minutes ago, DR Grind420 said:

    I have never been more confident in my life on a LSU victory.  It is comical yall's arrogance. 

    I'm sure you thought Georgia would beat us, too.

    And your "confidence" is a pretty risk-free position.  If y'all win, you'll come back to remind us, and if y'all lose, you'll never log in here again.  

    Either way, you're the one who has to live in Louisiana when it's over.

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    This ain't a dawg game cuzzo.  We kicked the shit out of that team last year and they actually gave a shit about that game
    Can one of our current lsu squatters let us know in advance if you guys care about the game or not?

    It gets really confusing playing these sec teams, all of whom claim to be really dialed in and fired up before the game (see Kirby Smart's sugar bowl pregame comments), only to find out later that you really didn't care about the game.

    We get all excited because we're beating up on a team who said we were soft, and then later find out it's only because they didn't care about the game at all. It really takes the wind out of your sails.

    It would just be nice to know, before the game for once, if you guys actually care about it or not so I can know whether to be excited later.

    Unless, you know, that's the kind of thing you're deciding on the fly based on whether the game outcome is fitting your preferred narrative...but I'm sure that's not it.
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    8 minutes ago, TexArcher said:

    I'm sure you thought Georgia would beat us, too.

    And your "confidence" is a pretty risk-free position.  If y'all win, you'll come back to remind us, and if y'all lose, you'll never log in here again.  

    Either way, you're the one who has to live in Louisiana when it's over.

    Live in Texas cuz.  I'll come back and face the music if we lose.  Ain't gonna happen though

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    Just outed yourself as aggy. Hahaha goddamn y’all are terrible at trolling.
    Their biggest game of the season is a day away and all they can focus on is the hope of living vicariously through another team beating us.

    Same as it always was.
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    17 minutes ago, Bigbend1812 said:

    What the fuck is  a baw?

    Backwoods Alligator Wrestler 

    Scottish slang for balls.  Everything he's saying makes a bit more sense when you have that little Rosetta stone.

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    On 9/5/2019 at 2:04 PM, Texassucksdick said:

    You guys are WORST THEN A&M, AN that’s saying a lot! I’ll be back after the game to to see how y’all doing. Should be a fantastic melt. 

    Btw. LSU 38-13. 

    SECSECSEC!! 

    Yeah, the all caps part, really showing off that high quality aggy edjumacashun there aren't you. Surely you must be an aggy english major.....or a four year old.

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    I don't agree with the media that Texas is back if we beat LSU. we might be, but there is so little evidence right now that beating LSU is something that means something. remember aggy beating South Carolina their first game awhile back? it was assumed that South Carolina was good, and aggy got way overrated because of it. then we found out the cocks sucked. we will see how everything works out. beating LSU might not really mean anything this year.

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    4 minutes ago, po elvis said:

    I don't agree with the media that Texas is back if we beat LSU. we might be, but there is so little evidence right now that beating LSU is something that means something. remember aggy beating South Carolina their first game awhile back? it was assumed that South Carolina was good, and aggy got way overrated because of it. then we found out the cocks sucked. we will see how everything works out. beating LSU might not really mean anything this year.

    Notre Dame says hi...

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    11 minutes ago, po elvis said:

    I don't agree with the media that Texas is back if we beat LSU. we might be, but there is so little evidence right now that beating LSU is something that means something. remember aggy beating South Carolina their first game awhile back? it was assumed that South Carolina was good, and aggy got way overrated because of it. then we found out the cocks sucked. we will see how everything works out. beating LSU might not really mean anything this year.

    My Zen Master response when anyone asks me how Texas is going to be this week/this year o if Texas "is back"

    Edited by dcbc
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    1 hour ago, DR Grind420 said:

    I have never been more confident in my life on a LSU victory.  It is comical yall's arrogance. 

    I've been seeing this shit all week.  Why is our belief in our team "arrogance" while your belief in your team is "confidence?"

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    1 hour ago, DR Grind420 said:

    Sucks to suck I guess, one of the benefits of being your own boss is you can start tailgating early on Friday.  I know being a sandwich artist is stressful so I will let you get back to it baws!

    Good luck with your scentsy career 

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    6 minutes ago, Sgt Hulk said:

    Good luck with your scentsy career 

    He's not actually a rep.  He just does it to get the discount.  They really are great products.

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    7 minutes ago, horngasm19 said:

    I hate night games. how am I supposed to not drink all day ? 

     

    Start in the morning just to be sure.

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    On 9/5/2019 at 3:46 PM, PsychMike said:

    woe |  | noun literary great sorrow or distress: they had a complicated tale of woe.  (woes) things that cause sorrow or distress; troubles: to add to his woes, customers have been spending less. PHRASES woe betide someone (or woe to someone) used humorously to warn someone that they will be in trouble if they do a specified thing: woe betide anyone wearing the wrong color! woe is me! an ironic or humorous exclamation of sorrow or distress

    Hilarious, swamp brained cretins trying to correct anyone on word usage...or anything else for that matter.

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