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Lame joke thread

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 After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: 

"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, 

"Can I feel your tits, then?"

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A youngster was reading a book about Robin Hood and asked the teacher - "what's a leather?"
The teacher was perplexed and asked the student to use the word in a sentence.
The child said "the book says that 'Robin Hood tore his leather jerkin off.'"

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Saw a beautiful Thai woman on the train today.

 

Kept thinking to myself, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection......

 

But she did!

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I asked my boss, "What do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?"

 

He said, "Just pop it in the corner".

 

Four Fucking hours it took me!!

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So, I was buying new queens for my bee hives, and I ordered 12 of them. If you've never worked with bees before, they come in these little matchbox sized cages, with a sugar capped plug at one end, so that by the time the worker bees eat through it (originally with the purpose of killing her, because she's not "their" queen) she has been able to douse them with enough pheromones that they become her servants.

image.jpeg.a9534be22fd372e1d77032ab6c82888f.jpeg

 

The guy hands me a carton with thirteen of these queen cages in it.

I say, "Hey, I only ordered 12." He says, "That other one is a free bee."

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4 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

So, I was buying new queens for my bee hives, and I ordered 12 of them. If you've never worked with bees before, they come in these little matchbox sized cages, with a sugar capped plug at one end, so that by the time the worker bees eat through it (originally with the purpose of killing her, because she's not "their" queen) she has been able to douse them with enough pheromones that they become her servants.

image.jpeg.a9534be22fd372e1d77032ab6c82888f.jpeg

 

The guy hands me a carton with thirteen of these queen cages in it.

I say, "Hey, I only ordered 12." He says, "That other one is a free bee."

I suppose you'd call it a beekeeper's dozen. 

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1 minute ago, WhatTheBuck said:

I suppose you'd call it a beekeeper's dozen. 

That joke works better (worse?) than you'd think. Beekeepers call themselves 'beeks' so it'd be a "beeker's dozen".

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My dad is a beekeeper.  To my knowledge, he hasn't gotten a free bee.  I've helped him corral some swarms.  It's definitely cool as shit. 

He's lifted the cover off a hive in the hot summer and the bees were madder than fuck, trying their best to sting you.  With a swarming hive, you don't even need a suit.

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2 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

That joke works better (worse?) than you'd think. Beekeepers call themselves 'beeks' so it'd be a "beeker's dozen".

beaker GIF

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Psychiatrist:  "Tell me what you see in these images. What's this first one?"

Patient: "That's you, fucking my girlfriend."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient: "That's you, fucking my mother and my aunt."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient:  "That's you, stabbing my best friend."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient:  "Aren't these usually supposed to be ink blots?"

 

Edited by Walden Ponderer

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On 12/9/2019 at 10:03 AM, Walden Ponderer said:

Psychiatrist:  "Tell me what you see in these images. What's this first one?"

Patient: "That's you, fucking my girlfriend."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient: "That's you, fucking my mother and my aunt."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient:  "That's you, stabbing my best friend."

Psychiatrist:  "And this one?"

Patient:  "Aren't these usually supposed to be ink blots?"

 

The older version starts with a psychiatrist showing inkblots to a patient:

Psychiatrist: "What do you see in this inkblot?"

Patient: "Two people fucking."

Psychiatrist: "And in the next one?"

Patient: "Two more people fucking."

Psychiatrist: "And in the third one?"

Patient: "Another couple fucking."

Psychiatrist: "Why do you see people having sex in every inkblot you see?"

Patient: "You're the one showing me the dirty pictures."

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The family was playing games over the holidays, and we chose one of those where people write down responses to questions, the answers are read aloud, and you get points when people pick your answer. The idea is to come up with the funniest or most clever response so people will pick it. One question was, "What is something a flight attendant never wants to hear?" People wrote down various puns and double entendre responses. Our 4 year old niece's answer was "You're stupid."  Still makes me laugh.

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On January 12, 2020 at 4:16 PM, honolulu horn said:

The family was playing games over the holidays, and we chose one of those where people write down responses to questions, the answers are read aloud, and you get points when people pick your answer. The idea is to come up with the funniest or most clever response so people will pick it. One question was, "What is something a flight attendant never wants to hear?" People wrote down various puns and double entendre responses. Our 4 year old niece's answer was "You're stupid."  Still makes me laugh.

Your mother is so ugly, it affects her self esteem.

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