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Lame joke thread

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I was going to stay up and see what happens after the sun goes down but I think I'm going to bed. 'Night.

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How do you figure out the sex of ants?

 

Put them in water.  If it sinks, it's a girl ant.  If it floats, it's boy ant.

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 After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: 

"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, 

"Can I feel your tits, then?"

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A youngster was reading a book about Robin Hood and asked the teacher - "what's a leather?"
The teacher was perplexed and asked the student to use the word in a sentence.
The child said "the book says that 'Robin Hood tore his leather jerkin off.'"

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Saw a beautiful Thai woman on the train today.

 

Kept thinking to myself, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection......

 

But she did!

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I asked my boss, "What do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?"

 

He said, "Just pop it in the corner".

 

Four Fucking hours it took me!!

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So, I was buying new queens for my bee hives, and I ordered 12 of them. If you've never worked with bees before, they come in these little matchbox sized cages, with a sugar capped plug at one end, so that by the time the worker bees eat through it (originally with the purpose of killing her, because she's not "their" queen) she has been able to douse them with enough pheromones that they become her servants.

image.jpeg.a9534be22fd372e1d77032ab6c82888f.jpeg

 

The guy hands me a carton with thirteen of these queen cages in it.

I say, "Hey, I only ordered 12." He says, "That other one is a free bee."

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1 minute ago, BearSchlong said:

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to laugh or say "today I learned. . ."

If you learned something, you're doing Surly wrong.

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4 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

So, I was buying new queens for my bee hives, and I ordered 12 of them. If you've never worked with bees before, they come in these little matchbox sized cages, with a sugar capped plug at one end, so that by the time the worker bees eat through it (originally with the purpose of killing her, because she's not "their" queen) she has been able to douse them with enough pheromones that they become her servants.

image.jpeg.a9534be22fd372e1d77032ab6c82888f.jpeg

 

The guy hands me a carton with thirteen of these queen cages in it.

I say, "Hey, I only ordered 12." He says, "That other one is a free bee."

I suppose you'd call it a beekeeper's dozen. 

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1 minute ago, WhatTheBuck said:

I suppose you'd call it a beekeeper's dozen. 

That joke works better (worse?) than you'd think. Beekeepers call themselves 'beeks' so it'd be a "beeker's dozen".

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My dad is a beekeeper.  To my knowledge, he hasn't gotten a free bee.  I've helped him corral some swarms.  It's definitely cool as shit. 

He's lifted the cover off a hive in the hot summer and the bees were madder than fuck, trying their best to sting you.  With a swarming hive, you don't even need a suit.

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2 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

That joke works better (worse?) than you'd think. Beekeepers call themselves 'beeks' so it'd be a "beeker's dozen".

beaker GIF

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