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El Diablo

I'm An Alcoholic

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You hear lots in meetings "it gets better," and it does.  It is not an overnight process, though.  Happy, Joyous, and Free comes, but, like with anything, there is also a period of transition. 

 

I'm not quite to my 18 month chip (God willing, in a couple of weeks), but things are challenging.  When I (hopefully) hit my bottom, my wife was on the phone for hours a night with the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) folks trying to figure out benefits, $$$, etc.  About a month later, she developed this mysterious rash.  16 months later, she still has it.  It's miserable; it's all over her body, her face is peeling like she did a bad chemical peel, skin flaking off like dust, and it itches like crazy.  She can't sleep, is always cranky, and I have no idea how she hasn't lost her mind.  She's been to every doctor known to man, and no one can figure it out.  We live in Houston and survived Harvey with minimal damage (VERY near where folks lost everything off Buffalo Bayou), but I'm sure there's a mold issue of some sort (it's HOUSTON!)  Stress?  Probably.  She's eaten clean, stopped eating and drinking things she knows cause a reaction, has gone to (a little) counseling for the baggage she carries, and is trying to take care of her mental state through yoga, relaxation, etc.  


Needless to say, all these doctors trying stuff out (no offense to MD's, but, man, it seems like they "try" more than they "know," oftentimes), her being in a near breakdown stage daily, and all the oils and salves, she feels like she has the right to spend whatever she needs to get some comfort.  I don't blame her, but couple that amazing debt run up with her not really wanting to engage with Al Anon or any real deep counseling on herself (it's "CDM's problem, you need to figure it out"), an absolutely horrific year at my company (thus, no real bonus), and very little intimacy between us, I'm not feeling so happy, joyous, or free.

 

I know this is part of it, and feel like I'm whining, just really challenged today.  I "should" count my blessings around being sober today, and really I do, it's just a tough row to hoe at home, lately.

 

Anyways, thanks for "listening."  Headed to the Outpost meeting today to get some perspective.

 

-Charles

Edited by Charles DeMar

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Update:  Got over my woe is me.  Meeting I attended yesterday focused on the promises, and I was able to reflect on the serenity prayer and the promises and how I can't change / control my wife's situation, but can change my attitude and my actions.

 

Also, working with a new sponsor.  Old school kind of guy and we went through the Doctor's Opinion last night for 90 minutes.  He was a really cranky cuss the first time I met him (I think had been burned by a couple of sponsees recently, so was leery), but warmed a bit and we had a great (for me) time studying together.


Didn't hurt that my wife was frisky and we talked about $$$ some last night, too.  Those two things almost never happen, especially not within hours of one another.

 

Blessed to be alive today.  Was headed toward my demise in my drink.  Black outs nearly every night, drinking during the day.  I'm blessed to have a new lease on life.

 

Thanks, guys.

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Glad to hear that this too did pass.

This morning in our 645am book study we read the first story in the back of the big book about Bill Dodson, AA#3.  really good story.

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I’ve been watching a lot of movies. Kinda a half resolution, I just realized that I get more out of a movie than two episodes of a tv drama. Tonight I watched “Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot”. I didn’t realize how much of just a straight up alcoholic recovery movie it was. I enjoyed it, worth a watch. Really great performances from Joaquin Phoenix and Jonah Hill.

Also Troop Zero, which is good but less specific for this thread.

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6 hours ago, Celery Man said:

I’ve been watching a lot of movies. Kinda a half resolution, I just realized that I get more out of a movie than two episodes of a tv drama. Tonight I watched “Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot”. I didn’t realize how much of just a straight up alcoholic recovery movie it was. I enjoyed it, worth a watch. Really great performances from Joaquin Phoenix and Jonah Hill.

Also Troop Zero, which is good but less specific for this thread.

Phoenix does a great job portraying an alcoholic in that movie. You can see and feel the panic when his bottle rolls away from him and he can't get it. Just stuck alone with no drink. It's been a while since I've seen it, but that's the part I can remember actually feeling his panic and pain. 

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On 1/24/2020 at 8:52 AM, Charles DeMar said:

Didn't hurt that my wife was frisky and we talked about $$$ some last night, too.  Those two things almost never happen, especially not within hours of one another.

huh, it seems like it would.... 

kidding bro, glad you're feeling on beam

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On 1/24/2020 at 9:16 AM, BearSchlong said:

Glad to hear that this too did pass.

This morning in our 645am book study we read the first story in the back of the big book about Bill Dodson, AA#3.  really good story.

The guy that was on the news that just died in Jefferson County custody was a HS classmate of mine. He had just been sentenced for his 3rd DWI and it sounds like he had a detox seizure in custody. They took him to the hospital, but he didn't make it. In High School he was our class president, president of the NHS, and to this day maybe one of the 3-4 smartest people I've ever known. 

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The "same guy" from my sister's class at Kelly HS died from a herion overdose.  Fair haired boy, top of his class, most likely to succeed, etc. . .watched him since Kindergarten at All Saints, eventually caught up with him in the rooms and tried to help him but to no avail.

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My mom is a alcoholic and I’m starting to get resentful. I have a 4 y/o and a 1 y/o and I can’t trust her to watch my kids alone without someone with her. It really sucks that she doesn’t have the relationship with them my MIL has with them. I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do  

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Have you had a frank discussion with her about your concerns? It's always better to address those things in sunlight. She may be willing to change some things once she realizes the gravity of your concerns.

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On 1/28/2020 at 6:28 PM, Bogeywon said:

My mom is a alcoholic and I’m starting to get resentful. I have a 4 y/o and a 1 y/o and I can’t trust her to watch my kids alone without someone with her. It really sucks that she doesn’t have the relationship with them my MIL has with them. I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do  

Sorry to hear that Bogey. 

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Well, looks like I'm gonna lose my cousin to this shitty disease. I knew he had been drinking pretty heavily and had always struggled to hold down a job. Didn't know the extent of it till he went to the hospital on Monday with acute pancreatitis. Not sure what happened, but his organs failed, he flat lined and suffered catastrophic brain damage. Docs basically said he can't be fixed. They're taking him off life support tomorrow.  

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Fuck, irish.  That is awful.  My sister got it from drinking heavily while on meds and was lucky to live through it.  So sorry.

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3 hours ago, irishtexan said:

Well, looks like I'm gonna lose my cousin to this shitty disease. I knew he had been drinking pretty heavily and had always struggled to hold down a job. Didn't know the extent of it till he went to the hospital on Monday with acute pancreatitis. Not sure what happened, but his organs failed, he flat lined and suffered catastrophic brain damage. Docs basically said he can't be fixed. They're taking him off life support tomorrow.  

I’m very sorry

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On 1/28/2020 at 10:53 PM, BearSchlong said:

Have you had a frank discussion with her about your concerns? It's always better to address those things in sunlight. She may be willing to change some things once she realizes the gravity of your concerns.

Yep, and as we constantly repeat, consequences are what brings about change.  Being candid about your concerns around your kids, and perhaps curtailment of same, is a valid  and probably should be addressed.

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On 1/28/2020 at 5:28 PM, Bogeywon said:

My mom is a alcoholic and I’m starting to get resentful. I have a 4 y/o and a 1 y/o and I can’t trust her to watch my kids alone without someone with her. It really sucks that she doesn’t have the relationship with them my MIL has with them. I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do  

Don't mean to be Captain Obvious, but try to find grace and gratitude in your mother in law, that your mom is still alive and that there is still hope, in the innocence of your children, and I hope in that she did not pass on the disease of addiction.

At least that is what us Alcoholics have to strive towards.

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On 1/28/2020 at 3:28 PM, Bogeywon said:

My mom is a alcoholic and I’m starting to get resentful. I have a 4 y/o and a 1 y/o and I can’t trust her to watch my kids alone without someone with her. It really sucks that she doesn’t have the relationship with them my MIL has with them. I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do  

Exact same thing happened with my Dad. 
he died a couple of years ago but you could not let him alone with kids. Frankly I didn’t want him even around them. One Xmas he gave them like 6 of the same thing, he was drunk when he shopped and had them wrapped. Just shit like that. Was just bad all the way around. 
He has absolutely been guidepost for the kind of father I refuse to be for my kids. 
Good luck dude. It sucks. 

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2 hours ago, BrazilHorn said:

Exact same thing happened with my Dad. 
he died a couple of years ago but you could not let him alone with kids. Frankly I didn’t want him even around them. One Xmas he gave them like 6 of the same thing, he was drunk when he shopped and had them wrapped. Just shit like that. Was just bad all the way around. 
He has absolutely been guidepost for the kind of father I refuse to be for my kids. 
Good luck dude. It sucks. 

It’s a gut punch. She does screw up at all. She’s like Jackie Kennedy. Graceful if that makes sense. She gets through the day and then melts down at night. 

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Another benefit of sobriety -- shitting normally, even gloriously.

It took months for my bowels to readjust, but I am here to tell y'all that shitting is a joy again, unless I overdo the spicy foods. And that is a good problem to have, most of the time. 

It's the little things in life.

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My withdrawal symptoms included constipation like I never imagined could be so painful. That was bad. Nothing helped. I even got the self enema kit at CVS. You don't really know yourself until you're in the bathroom, on all fours with your rear up in the air trying to reach back and around to stick a tube in your ass. 

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Been lurking and reading through this thread in an effort to re-program my thinking. 

Turning 49 today, already had a big birthday blowout in Vegas, so my actual bday weekend is fairly mellow. Blessedly so.

I feel like I’m on a downward slide. Last few hangovers have been brutal and really tired of feeling like shit. Got hammered on Friday for absolutely no reason.

I don’t drink every day. I don’t crave it. But on the days I do drink, I just don’t stop.  And it’s been getting worse.  My tolerance is sky-high, and, by the time I’m feeling it, I’m completely hammered and out of control.  Worried about some form of escalation and some form of rock bottom.

Reached out a friend with my intentions for some accountability.  Discussed with my wife (no pics) as well.  Obviously, both were very supportive. 

I guess a little self-awareness is a good thing.  We’ll see how this goes.  

My overall goal is to hit 50 a lot leaner and meaner than now.  I have a good life, but I guess middle-age is catching up a bit.  Time to change some habits.

 

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Hesitate to add my own story mostly because I don’t know I’m not giving up drinking completely but I did give up drinking for about 3 weeks here recently and it had a profound impact. First time I gave up drinking since 1995-1998 when I was in undergrad and was most certainly then a problem drinker.

 

I already started thinking about it when my friend died from liver failure at 54. I don’t think I’m at that level of risk and my blood work is great but still his death scared the crap out of me. And over Christmas I just decided January would be too busy and I didn’t like how my evening cocktail left me fatigued unable to participate with the kids or work like I need to. I knew in the back of my mind I was probably dependent given that it’s a rare day I didn’t have at least one drink. With age my drinking has slowed but it was still regular. 2 beers or sharing a bottle of wine ends up being a lot when you’re 45. Especially if it’s every day. Anyway, I also knew folks here that say their joy of life returned after getting sober. And I started noticing more episodic depression and anxiety. I figured it might be connected. So I went on about my experiment. First two to three days were boring mostly. I had some irritability and fatigue as well. Then it was fine but still boring. What do you do? I dunno. Food was boring, sitting watching tv or a movie was boring. I had a lot of work to do and nothing to look forward to but sleep. Hey I love sleep. But still what’s the point? Then at about the 2 week mark it changed. Everything became more interesting and enjoyable. The moment I really noticed it was after sex one afternoon. I thought damn that was the best ever. Natural dopamine was back!! Yes!

 

I also noticed stress was harder to deal with but I feel like that got easier too near the end and now I use more techniques like breathing and self talk all things I know to do, but as I weaned off the drink I had to use those tools more often. That’s subsided too, I’m getting less anxious.

 

My relationship is much better too. She doesn’t drink as much anymore either. Which is awesome. And we talk more and frankly I’m just that much more into her. And that’s the thing I want more than anything - to be in love and to feel it naturally. It’s actually the greatest feeling I’ve ever had and if I’m chasing anything it’s that.

 

So I had a drink after three weeks. It was an accident actually on a trip to south beach and we just ordered. I sipped the champagne and I didn’t like it. So I’ve slowly added it back, but now I’m drinking non or low-alcoholic craft beer at home (.5%) if I want a beer and it does just fine, and mocktails (today had a virgin paloma for example) and I drink occasionally but treat it more like carbs. I don’t like it much any more and it doesn’t serve me well. I can’t eat pizza or cheeseburgers every day, and for the first time in probably 25 years I’m consistently skipping more days than not.

 

I think I was dependent for sure. Alcoholism runs in my family. I’m not going to give it that label but I’m glad I’m not dependent now. In fact drinking daily has no appeal to me. Hearing you guys talk about how much more you enjoy life and how much more productive you are now has been part of making the change.

 

 

 

 

 

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Both you guys should read "this naked mind" if you haven't already.  Hers was the same issue,  in that she saw a problem,  one that wasnt big yet, but was growing and going to be a big one. Its great insight into alcohol, what it does and what's on the other side,  living without it. 

Me, I'm slowly getting it back together after getting really bad off. I can attest that life on the otherside is beautiful, difficult at times. Hills and mountains climbed and more to come. Handling life without the drink for me was a doozy, I never went anywhere without one, drives weren't measured in minutes or hours but by beers. I ran my body and mind down pretty well, but getting back up as I mentioned.  

Our mind and body are our temples, just as we clean and take care of things we own, houses, cars... our pets, etc, we should do the same for ourselves.  It's good to know the both of you see and feel what alcohol is doing to your bodies and minds, and the both of you know it's time for a change. Enjoy it, all the best

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As a drinking buddy of mine (without a problem) once observed:  drinking is an incredible waste of time.  I wholeheartedly agreed, but it was another 2-3-4 years before I did anything about it.

Of course, it's a bit less of a waste of time for an active alcoholic, because they do every damn thing while drinking, although not well or efficiently.

Edited by TwiceHorn

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I’m willing to call it a problem. I don’t want to talk about it as though it wasn’t while also holding a place for others who have had it worse. Heck I don’t know what I’m really saying. I wanted to change. Issue now could be an issue later, problem not a problem. Drinking is a waste of time. And it’s poison. It can be fun in moderation but for me moderation is now a few drinks a week not a few per day. I want to grow old more slowly. I want to be 75 and still kicking it on the things I love. Drinking can’t be a daily or even thrice a week thing anymore for what I want to do with my life. What is that? I don’t know.

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21 minutes ago, troph said:

I’m willing to call it a problem. I don’t want to talk about it as though it wasn’t while also holding a place for others who have had it worse. Heck I don’t know what I’m really saying. I wanted to change. Issue now could be an issue later, problem not a problem. Drinking is a waste of time. And it’s poison. It can be fun in moderation but for me moderation is now a few drinks a week not a few per day. I want to grow old more slowly. I want to be 75 and still kicking it on the things I love. Drinking can’t be a daily or even thrice a week thing anymore for what I want to do with my life. What is that? I don’t know.

Wasn't any kind of criticism, just an observation.  Glad it's working out for you.

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10 hours ago, TwiceHorn said:

As a drinking buddy of mine (without a problem) once observed:  drinking is an incredible waste of time.  I wholeheartedly agreed, but it was another 2-3-4 years before I did anything about it.

Of course, it's a bit less of a waste of time for an active alcoholic, because they do every damn thing while drinking, although not well or efficiently.

For me, it was not only a waste of time, but I also didn't accomplish anything for 20 years because of it. Started heavily in high school, already didn't enjoy school, so that amplified my dislike more and I barely graduated. There really wasn't anything I was interested in, so that exacerbated things more, and even though I had great friends,  it was a lonely place to be for me. I grew up in an educated family and so did most of my friends. So when college came around, I had no interest in it, but that's just what you did. 

I went and drank for 3 years with my friends and didn't go to class and tended bar. Dropped out with no clue what to do. I got in my car with a suitcase and drove 1500 miles away until the road literally ended in The Keys. Worked there for a year and drank by myself. The next 20 years were me doing whatever for work, just to be able to buy booze. I ended up in Texas, for no reason at all, while all my friends went on to finish school and grad school. Started careers and families and all that normal path shit. Almost all my drinking was by myself. Almost everything I did was by myself. I convinced myself that I was just a lone wolf. Independent. Didn't need anybody else because I wasn't weak and I did shit on my own, so fuck you. I'm free. 

Fast forward 20 years. No friends, except the friends I grew up with, who are still great friends, but they're all over the country and have all the stuff that I now want, but feel like it's too late for me. I'm 42 without a pot to piss in. Sad thing is, I'm plenty bright, have good social skills, can carry myself well with the 1%ers and the local labor worker, all the same. People like being around me and now I realize that I am the same as everyone else. I need people around me, too. I fought that for too long and have finally realized it myself. 

So I'm basically trying to figure out life as a middle-aged man, with no real skills, at least on paper, and not even an undergrad degree. Add to that, I can't think of anything that really piques my interest, as far as work goes.  It's daunting. But it's mine to own. I had every opportunity given to me and I fucked it up. 

 

 

 

 

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revision - seems like daily anxiety is higher now.  it was much higher in early January when this all started, but even though a bit lower it's still intense and more so than before.  I'm assuming that's part of it too?  I don't think or feel like a drink would solve the problem.  I have no interest in that, in fact the idea is kind of repulsive.  super lost here.  

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The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. 

I personally don't understand what I call the pre-dependence types, because I wasn't even close to able to stop until I had some real scar tissue including the "you'd better let me off the plane right now if there's no more booze around, I will die if I don't get another drink, no I don't care that we're at 35,000 feet" level of physical dependence, but it's none of my business or anyone else's regardless. 

I personally would be pretty circumspect about sharing "what works for me" if what worked for me was quitting way before suicide attempts and jails and hospitals and rehab and divorces, but if it keeps someone sober, then whatever. You never know when what you say is going to help someone else.

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40 minutes ago, troph said:

revision - seems like daily anxiety is higher now.  it was much higher in early January when this all started, but even though a bit lower it's still intense and more so than before.  I'm assuming that's part of it too?  I don't think or feel like a drink would solve the problem.  I have no interest in that, in fact the idea is kind of repulsive.  super lost here.  

Anxiety is very much elevated by drinking. Daily anxiety is when that circle gets dangerous because it becomes the chicken or the egg. You are ahead of the game, in that you have realized this. 

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1 hour ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

For me, it was not only a waste of time, but I also didn't accomplish anything for 20 years because of it. Started heavily in high school, already didn't enjoy school, so that amplified my dislike more and I barely graduated. There really wasn't anything I was interested in, so that exacerbated things more, and even though I had great friends,  it was a lonely place to be for me.

Thanks for sharing, most of what you said I see in my story.  This part really hit home and is hard for me to explain/grasp still today.  I knew drinking was a waste of time and everything else but it took ~2 years for me to actually do something about it after realizing and accepting that.  Guess that's the whole cunning, baffling and powerful part.

Edited by Sparky

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2 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

Prayers for your mom, Bogey. That's a good start she's made right there.

She’s been in and out over the last year. She’s fighting and that’s all I can ask

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8 hours ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

For me, it was not only a waste of time, but I also didn't accomplish anything for 20 years because of it. Started heavily in high school, already didn't enjoy school, so that amplified my dislike more and I barely graduated. There really wasn't anything I was interested in, so that exacerbated things more, and even though I had great friends,  it was a lonely place to be for me. I grew up in an educated family and so did most of my friends. So when college came around, I had no interest in it, but that's just what you did. 

I went and drank for 3 years with my friends and didn't go to class and tended bar. Dropped out with no clue what to do. I got in my car with a suitcase and drove 1500 miles away until the road literally ended in The Keys. Worked there for a year and drank by myself. The next 20 years were me doing whatever for work, just to be able to buy booze. I ended up in Texas, for no reason at all, while all my friends went on to finish school and grad school. Started careers and families and all that normal path shit. Almost all my drinking was by myself. Almost everything I did was by myself. I convinced myself that I was just a lone wolf. Independent. Didn't need anybody else because I wasn't weak and I did shit on my own, so fuck you. I'm free. 

Fast forward 20 years. No friends, except the friends I grew up with, who are still great friends, but they're all over the country and have all the stuff that I now want, but feel like it's too late for me. I'm 42 without a pot to piss in. Sad thing is, I'm plenty bright, have good social skills, can carry myself well with the 1%ers and the local labor worker, all the same. People like being around me and now I realize that I am the same as everyone else. I need people around me, too. I fought that for too long and have finally realized it myself. 

So I'm basically trying to figure out life as a middle-aged man, with no real skills, at least on paper, and not even an undergrad degree. Add to that, I can't think of anything that really piques my interest, as far as work goes.  It's daunting. But it's mine to own. I had every opportunity given to me and I fucked it up. 

Hey amigo, you're at the age where I went OUT. I'd been sober since I was 30 but not in the program and shit got weird and I went for what I knew would ease the pain immediately. Spent the next 14 years killing myself and everything good. Don't sweat the lack of focus or a readily apparent cause, seriously. The only thing I didn't lose was my job, somehow. I got sober 4 years ago with some help from Schlong. Since then I still have the job but no real plan. I still don't know what I like, what I want to be when I grow up, etc... It takes time to find something that's been lost for decades. It's starting to come to me though. It'll come to you too if you just give it time. 4 years here and still no real clue but I think it'll come to me if I just stay sober. Drunk? Not gonna happen. Keep sharing, I love your posts. 

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1 minute ago, Bogeywon said:

She’s been in and out over the last year. She’s fighting and that’s all I can ask

I did the exact same thing she's doing. Well, with the exception of I didn't have a plan for after I detoxed. Dried out over a weekend after admitting to ER. Went home. Sat around, got bored and went to the store. It took someone from this forum getting in touch with someone local who could get me into the AA rooms to finally get the show on the road but, and this is just my own opinion, I think if we make one step towards making a change with an open heart and willingness, then the universe will reciprocate. Can't hurt. 

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Gonna preface this by saying i still smoke weed so i'm not a stone cold sober guy like the rest of you.

 

It's been 2 years since i stopped drinking and i gotta say, you guys have the right idea. So much money saved, zero stupid/regrettable behavior, better relationships with people.

 

Alcoholism runs in the family. I did a lot of ridiculously dumb and avoidable things while drinking. Finally had enough. It really is the worst drug there is. Reading this thread helps to remind me why a guy like me should just stay away. Thank yall, really, just remember to take it one day at a time.

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22 hours ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

 I'm 42 without a pot to piss in. Sad thing is, I'm plenty bright, have good social skills, can carry myself well with the 1%ers and the local labor worker, all the same. People like being around me and now I realize that I am the same as everyone else. I need people around me, too. I fought that for too long and have finally realized it myself. 

So I'm basically trying to figure out life as a middle-aged man, with no real skills, at least on paper, and not even an undergrad degree. Add to that, I can't think of anything that really piques my interest, as far as work goes.  It's daunting. But it's mine to own. I had every opportunity given to me and I fucked it up. 

 

 

 

 

42? Sheeeeeeet

If I were you I'd go to AA just for the laughs, social events, and the women (not the 13th step, but healthy women)

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I haven't been on the board since mid January, but I must express my sincere gratitude.  On January 22 I was blessed with 2 years continuous sobriety.  I was also lucky enough to begin a dream job that same day that keeps me working very long hours this time of year.  Neither of those would've happened without ya'll and the support of a program.  

Most importantly on the 26th, when I was busy at work, my brother called me. He called the drunk who couldn't be counted on to show up to Christmas without enough alcohol in my body that you could smell it, during a medical emergency and a ride to the hospital.  He lives outside of ambulance service and his wife and neighbors weren't home.  He called me, and I answered and was there for him.  They shot him up with morphine and sent him home with a bunch of pills to rest. I spent the night and next day with him to make sure he took his heavy pain meds and sedatives.  Six bottles of pills placed out on a counter for four or six hour doses, right next to a full bar of the best whiskey you can buy. I was there, checking the time.  The same guy he watched lose his mind and jump out of his automobile at 45 mph as he tried to get me to a hospital to detox just a little over two years ago. Me. Maybe not exactly me, but the same DNA, now a completely different person than I was when I was drinking.  I did my job as a brother should to take care of my own.  The thought of a drink didn't cross my mind.  The thought of sneaking a pill didn't cross my mind.  None of that hit me until I was on my way home. "Holy shit dude, that would've been a gold mine of a disaster waiting to happen a couple of years ago."  Then I thought a little more.  He never would've even called me to help two years ago.  I would've found out several days after the fact, if at all.  Even if I did I probably wouldn't have cared or remembered much. What a fuckin trip. So much so I still pinch myself every once in a while when I stop and think where I came from and what today is like.

If you're reading this and aren't sure shit can change, believe it.  Tomorrow is not written if you don't let it. I promise you never have to feel like you do right now again.  

I'm grateful for my two years.  I'm lucky to land my dream job.  I'm proud to be the calm one in the office nowadays when the shit hits the fan. I've lived crazier stuff than a couple of things going wrong at work.  I like to say there are no more big deals in life after getting sober.  There are just opportunities to have the best day I can no matter what happens.  The truth is there are some big deals. My brother called me, and I was there.  Thats a big fucking deal and I'm grateful.

Love you all. Happy days.  Grateful to be sober for another 24 hours.   

 

Edit.  My brother is all good.  Poor fucker had a 4mm kidney stone he couldn't pass. I kept saying this too shall pass. He kind of thought it was funny. 

Edited by Dertyberd

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Love that post.

Just left the Saturday morning meeting feeling spiritually filled up. Gonna need it, taking my mom to Houston for a hip replacement this week.

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Visited mom yesterday at the hospital. Was on Ativan and withdrawing still. She fell to her knees in the bathroom but is fine 

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Things will get better, its important to believe that, she needs to believe it,  you need to believe it. Our greatest love comes from our toughest trials. Hang in there.

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I heard some good stuff this morning.

From the Joe and Charlie tapes: "'When they talked of a God personal to me... I became irritated, and my mind snapped shut.' In other words, Bill's saying, 'There's got to be a harder way!"

Also, not from the tapes, "a lot of people will say that AA will ruin your drinking. It ruins being an asshole, too!"

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I don't know if this is an old saying or not, but I heard it the other day in a James McMurtry song and it resonated a lot with me. 

"And I don't won't another drink,
I only want that last one again"

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If anyone needs a good read, check out Tommy Womack's new book, Dust Bunnies.  Tommy is a great songwriter and has played in dozens of bands over the years.  He has a fantastic story about addiction.  If you like music at all, this is a fantastic read.  Tommy is a great guy......so incredibly nice and genuine.  The last time I talked to him, he was playing at a the Sunday Service at the rehab where I went.  I still go back there once a month for a meeting on Friday nights and then again for Sunday service.  It's a 4 hour drive to Nashville, but it makes for a fun getaway and it keeps me sane.  Anyway, Tommy had a briefcase with his CDs and books in it.  Just propped open with a sign that said, "Give what you can".  

https://www.amazon.com/Dust-Bunnies-Tommy-Glynn-Womack/dp/0692180575

He played this song at the service.  About a good day he had, right in the middle of his addiction.  

 

 

 

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20 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

un fucking believable, I love that so much

Tommy tells a great joke about ADD and Tourettes.  He has both.  

How many kids with ADD and Tourettes does it take to screw in a light bulb?  
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Let's go ride bikes, cocksucker!

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