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El Diablo

I'm An Alcoholic

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Checking in. Had to change my user name cause I forgot my password as panthercityhorn.  Still trudging the road to happy destiny.
Thank you for the clarification. I read it as Pacific Coast highway

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12 hours ago, Augustus said:

Congrats TexArcher, that's awesome.

Checking in, alive and well from sunny Scottsdale.

Sam asked me to give him his 7 year chip this year as he will be in my town on birthday night.  PM me anything you know of that I can use to gently roast him. :)

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50 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

Sam asked me to give him his 7 year chip this year as he will be in my town on birthday night.  PM me anything you know of that I can use to gently roast him. :)

Jesus I can't believe it's been 6.5 years since I walked into the beginners meeting at NLand.  Sam had 6 months and I was chewing on my tongue.

Time just flies.

He's one of the kindest, gentlest guys I know.  I wouldn't know where to begin to come up with something roastable.  

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Two days shy of 100, I have a thing about other being happy for me and clapping, so it's hard to shed fear aside and pick up a chip. Newcomer meeting and I knew one of the old times might say something if I didn't get the chip, so I got de chip on day 98. Holla.

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

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42 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

Brothers in defects. I like that.

Yeah, that was pretty good this morning. 

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11 hours ago, El Diablo said:

Brothers in defects. I like that.

As it says in our literature, we won't be rendered white as snow-and THANK GOD.  My first meeting they all shared what it was like-which let me know I was exactly where I needed to be, what happened-hey, if they could do it, maybe I could, and what it is like now-which I could not imagine but have seen happen in my life since 1998.  The physical craving and mental obsession to drink has been lifted, it is now that all the other defects that keep me coming back, where I am reminded what humility really is when we tell on ourselves and then get to change the things we can. Trudge on my friends.

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On 4/20/2018 at 10:25 PM, BearSchlong said:

Diablo thanks for giving my good friend a warm welcome tonight.

It was a good meeting. Your friend shared as did a couple others who were there and visiting from out of town also. We go maybe weeks without seeing visitors and then BAM! Half of Southeast Texas shows up! :) 

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3 months yesterday.  It seems like the time is flying by this go round.  My first walk into the rooms was a constant struggle to not pull in to the plethora of strip mall liquor stores I have mapped out in my head.  A real alcoholic doesn't need to do a google search to find the closest source. Each day felt like a week and I wore out my sponsor just fighting the constant urge not to drink.  I was trying to get sober because the physical addiction had ruined my life and I was miserable.  Thank God my field research did not end up with the physical addiction as there is nothing worse in this world. I realize my physical addiction followed years of mental and spiritual shit thinking and living.  Booze was just the answer to the worthless life I had created.  I'm not an alcoholic because I am addicted, I'm an alcoholic because I will obsessively use vodka to burn down every last good thing in my life because my brain and soul are telling me it's the best option.  It's been a fast ninety because I've been taking all of it slowly.  There is nothing more right now than taking care of my shit today and realizing it is a hell of a lot more fun to build something than it is to destroy.  I'm writing this so I can revisit it when I will certainly have a day that all I want to be is normal.  Those are the thoughts that will kill me.  Much love.  

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Fantastic, dertybird, you and I started this journey around the same time . I like that you said it is more fun to build on something than to destroy. It has been one of my greatest joys to work on and improve myself every day, pitfalls be damned.

 

Let's do another 90 one day at a time.

 

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

 

 

 

 

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One day at a time has been the subject of a couple of my home groups meetings recently, as a primary topic and as part of a discussion on Step 10. One thing that I heard mentioned that I've been looking into is the concept of "mindfulness". I also saw it brought up in the "OCD/Depression" thread in CYHMWT.

One older guy in the group, I'm not sure that he has long term sobriety but what he had to say carried some weight with me, stated that he CAN'T drink tomorrow. He can't drink tomorrow because it's not here yet and he can't drink yesterday because it's gone. The only time he CAN drink is RIGHT NOW. In fact RIGHT NOW is the only time any of us can do anything.

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"AA is not a cure all". I was chairing last night and so I tried to incorporate this thought for the day into a topic to much failure and resistance from the old hardliners. It was as if they wouldn't even acknowledge the source material, it was heretical and caused brain pain. It probably didn't help that we had a busload of newbs that some rehab facility had dropped off. Oops.

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14 hours ago, ernest_t_bass said:

Blessed to have made it 3 years, today.

Well said.  My sponsor said you be happy, we'll be proud, advice that has served me well.

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14 hours ago, ernest_t_bass said:

Blessed to have made it 3 years, today.

Damn, I should be right behind except I had to learn the hard way. Congrats!

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For the past 7304 days, I have not found it necessary to take a drink.  Twenty years have flown by since the last bender, and I could not be more grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, the God of my understanding I found there, and the men and women both in and out of the rooms who showed me a design for living that has made living life on life's terms a worthwhile goal every day.  Glad I found what turned out to be what I never could find in the bottle, and for the lives of the men I get to work with while trudging the road to happy destiny.  Thanks also to you guys-this thread would have been the one I missed the most if the site had not been reborn.

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Well said PCH.  AA has given me a direction of action.  

As Chuck C. and others have said, you can't think your way into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking.  

This program showed me what action to take so that I got out of my head and thinking so I could start acting the way my higher power intended.....Right-thinking soon followed.

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On 4/27/2018 at 7:25 AM, ernest_t_bass said:

Blessed to have made it 3 years, today.

This is so fantastic.  I'm sorry I missed it, this no-tapatalk thing is irritating.

Hope everyone is in the middle of the lifeboat.  Good day to be able to face the world on it's terms not mine.

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On 4/28/2018 at 7:24 AM, pch said:

For the past 7304 days, I have not found it necessary to take a drink.  Twenty years have flown by since the last bender, and I could not be more grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, the God of my understanding I found there, and the men and women both in and out of the rooms who showed me a design for living that has made living life on life's terms a worthwhile goal every day.  Glad I found what turned out to be what I never could find in the bottle, and for the lives of the men I get to work with while trudging the road to happy destiny.  Thanks also to you guys-this thread would have been the one I missed the most if the site had not been reborn.

This is why I keep coming back.  Well done sir.

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One of my drinking buddies who I lost touch with I happened to see as our dogs became friends at a sitter and we picked them up. He is a lot older than me and can really put them down told me he has quit drinking after making a fool of himself at his daughter’s charity function. I told him I was proud and we can meet up and have some wings instead. He said he was going to AA and I told him I am extremely proud of him and he did a very honorable thing. He said I could still drink around him and I said that is not necessary and I just want to hang out and let the dogs play together. I could kind of see him get a little choked up. 

 

I called our other friend to tell him and he was extremely dismissive of it and he was just in “ time out” from the wife. I responded that I don’t think thats it. When I got off the phone I became more pissed off that he wasn’t happy about the news and was actually a little pissy about it when responding to me. This guy probably needs AA more than anyone. It has made me not want to be around him for awhile. Just needed to vent and I am not a saint by any means but I want to support people. 

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On 4/28/2018 at 7:24 AM, pch said:

For the past 7304 days, I have not found it necessary to take a drink.  Twenty years have flown by since the last bender, and I could not be more grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, the God of my understanding I found there, and the men and women both in and out of the rooms who showed me a design for living that has made living life on life's terms a worthwhile goal every day.  Glad I found what turned out to be what I never could find in the bottle, and for the lives of the men I get to work with while trudging the road to happy destiny.  Thanks also to you guys-this thread would have been the one I missed the most if the site had not been reborn.

Outstanding, old-timer!  :ph34r:

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I had a few posts in the old thread talking about how I was taking the plunge with Naltrexone in order to curb my tendency to drink to excess, and it's been a while since I've had anything to say about it all. 

Almost three months ago, I had a short (three days, two nights) business trip to San Antonio. It was a last minute thing, with lots of scrambling and late nights to get everything put together in time, so I was working long hours and drinking lots of coffee. 

The day I was supposed to leave, I noticed that my heartburn had come back after a long time without it. I've lost about 35 lbs. in the past year and a half, and have had very little issues with it since dropping the weight. But that's what it felt like (including the way my hiatal hernia would also sometimes add to the fun) so I didn't pay it much mind. 

Had a restrained, three-hour business dinner with the clients the first night, took my medicine, and had two or three outstanding glasses of wine (I've never been a wine connoisseur, but this wine might have changed that if it wasn't obscenely and prohibitively expensive for me to drink in a non-business setting...), a cup of espresso, and another late of final preparation for the project. 

Day of the project goes fine, project is great, but my heartburn and hernia are still acting up. Dinner the night of the project, I had a Paloma and two glasses of wine during another three hour dinner. 

After dinner, I was in the hotel bar with my boss, who is a big guy and a big drinker, and a former partner in crime in my drinking (though I only got absolutely, embarrassingly shit hammered around him once - at the company Christmas party last year, which was the straw that brought me to the thread), and I had another two drinks (a Chopin on the rocks - my usual, and then a terrible Paloma that I only drank half of) to his six or seven through the course of the three of so hours we went there. 

I got home mid-afternoon the following day, still with the weird heartburn and hernia stuff going on in my chest, had a lot of work to do immediately upon getting home so I put on a pot of coffee, and through the course of the afternoon, my heartbeat started getting a little funny. Fluttering, skipping, glopping out of tune, etc. 

I finished my work for the day, chased the toddler around the house for 5 minutes before putting him to bed, and just started to feel really puny and weird. 

*eating alone and my dinner just arrived, so I'm posting this now so I don't lose it, and I'll finish the boring-ass story later on tonight... 

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25 minutes ago, Clintonaldo said:

One of my drinking buddies who I lost touch with I happened to see as our dogs became friends at a sitter and we picked them up. He is a lot older than me and can really put them down told me he has quit drinking after making a fool of himself at his daughter’s charity function. I told him I was proud and we can meet up and have some wings instead. He said he was going to AA and I told him I am extremely proud of him and he did a very honorable thing. He said I could still drink around him and I said that is not necessary and I just want to hang out and let the dogs play together. I could kind of see him get a little choked up. 

 

I called our other friend to tell him and he was extremely dismissive of it and he was just in “ time out” from the wife. I responded that I don’t think thats it. When I got off the phone I became more pissed off that he wasn’t happy about the news and was actually a little pissy about it when responding to me. This guy probably needs AA more than anyone. It has made me not want to be around him for awhile. Just needed to vent and I am not a saint by any means but I want to support people. 

Very common response among those who still suffer.  Those entering recovery hold up a mirror.

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1 hour ago, David Dennison said:

Congrats to everyone.

Anyone else here quit without AA?

I quit without AA, but I had the help of a week in the hospital followed by 2 weeks in rehab followed by 3 months of IOP. I would suggest the AA route.

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1 hour ago, David Dennison said:

Congrats to everyone.

Anyone else here quit without AA?

I've pretty much made it 3 years on/off.  I attended one weekly meeting my first year or so, sometimes a 2nd or 3rd.  Read the big book.  Never formally went through the steps.

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Continued... 

So my wife noticed that I looked at little transparent, asked if everything was okay, and when I told her how I had been feeling weird and my heart was being strange, she urged me to go to the hospital. I did, and after making the machines sound like a Vegas jackpot for a while, they got my shit sorted out, and after an overnight stay and the price of a decent used car later, they had me diagnosed with atrial fibrillation. 

A-fib is when the cardiac muscles aren't functioning in perfect choreography with each other, and it can lead to blood clots which can lead to stroke. It's strongly correlated with drinking alcohol (it's also called "holiday heart" due to people who overindulge during the holidays triggering it), and the cardiologist laid it out pretty clear for me. Keep drinking and die much sooner, or stop drinking, and die of something else later on. I've also got to get my sleep apnea under control - have a sleep study scheduled in a few days.

So I've been on the wagon ever since, and, knock on wood, just like quitting cigarettes, it's been easier than I thought it would be. It felt strange to sit down to fill out my NCAA brackets without a stiff drink, and I've had a birthday, a few social outings, and even a crawfish boil with a few college friends, one of whom is definitely the worst influence on me (and me on him...) and everyone else was drinking all day and I did just fine. I even brought my hitterbox along in case I needed a little something, but it wasn't necessary. 

I certainly miss it, and I still have a lot of new ground to cover with all the various friends and circumstances that used to involve booze, but after almost 3 months without alcohol (still smoking a little pot late at night on the weekends and accompanying it with root beer and candy - woohoo!) I'm pleased to say that I think I'm going to be okay. 

I'd definitely recommend the Naltrexone to anyone whose problem was more on the "too much" side of the spectrum than the "too often" side which is how I honestly saw myself, but like a few people mentioned, it isn't a panacea - especially if you don't take it seriously. The one time it failed me, I was also smoking a ton of pot in addition to drinking, so based on my limited experience, I'd caution others against mixing things. 

Hopefully I won't have much else to contribute to this thread, but I definitely want to thank all of you for your time, wisdom, and guidance as I struggled with keeping my shit together a little while ago. It was a very comforting thing for me to know that you all were there for me to bounce things off of if and when I needed it. 

Keep on keepin' on... 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

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39 minutes ago, ernest_t_bass said:

I've pretty much made it 3 years on/off.  I attended one weekly meeting my first year or so, sometimes a 2nd or 3rd.  Read the big book.  Never formally went through the steps.

To add, I've read the big book a number of times and attended several meetings while in rehab.

Edited by Yarbr

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Birthday night at Harbor tonight.  Service work ( I chair) and milestone (20 year chip)-not a bad way to spend an evening.

 

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First week of the month means we carry a meeting to a local rehab facility on Friday evening. Nothing like looking in the not too distant mirror.

Edited by El Diablo

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I made the decision to jump out there and try some online dating, yeah I know.  The rule of thumb is to wait a year and I'm 20 months sober and not sure that is long enough for me.  I went on one date with a girl and we really hit it off but she told me that since I was sober it wouldn't be moving forward.  I appreciated her honesty and not leading me on so no big deal that's done I thought initially.  But that part got me down in the dumps a bit after thinking about it.  My brain was just thinking are all attempts to date going to end like this and make me feel like I'm an outsider because I'm sober?  Talked about it in the Sunday morning meeting (topic was failure) and realized that this wasn't a failure, which I was thinking it was, it was actually just life and I came accept life on life's terms.   But it was a check to me in that I am and have been surrounded by people in recovery or people that know my story and support me.  It was a reminder that people do still drink and it's a part of their life.  Rant over, thanks for listening.  

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There's a good sized segment of the population that doesn't drink at all. Your experience does make me wonder what % of the population of currently available singles in your age range don't drink. I'll hazard a guess that it is lower than the general population.

That is to say, I think there's a lot of single drinkers out there. Hmm... ;)

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My range is the mid 40's and I agree there are a lot more out there that don't drink the more I think about it.  Or it's not a priority for them.  From what I've seen most seem to be recently divorced and ready to party.  It just made me realize I need to reset my expectations and that it's nothing personal and I am not the odd one if I choose not to drink.  

Edited by Sparky

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3 hours ago, Sparky said:

I made the decision to jump out there and try some online dating, yeah I know.  The rule of thumb is to wait a year and I'm 20 months sober and not sure that is long enough for me.  I went on one date with a girl and we really hit it off but she told me that since I was sober it wouldn't be moving forward.  I appreciated her honesty and not leading me on so no big deal that's done I thought initially.  But that part got me down in the dumps a bit after thinking about it.  My brain was just thinking are all attempts to date going to end like this and make me feel like I'm an outsider because I'm sober?  Talked about it in the Sunday morning meeting (topic was failure) and realized that this wasn't a failure, which I was thinking it was, it was actually just life and I came accept life on life's terms.   But it was a check to me in that I am and have been surrounded by people in recovery or people that know my story and support me.  It was a reminder that people do still drink and it's a part of their life.  Rant over, thanks for listening.  

Curious as to if she qualified why your sobriety would be a dealbreaker.

When my now Fiance picked me up on an online dating site 7 years ago it was because I specifically mentioned that I was drug/alcohol free.

My bet is that if you make mention of that then you'll attract someone who isn't looking for a train wreck.

Edited by BearSchlong

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On ‎5‎/‎1‎/‎2018 at 7:00 PM, Clintonaldo said:

One of my drinking buddies who I lost touch with I happened to see as our dogs became friends at a sitter and we picked them up. He is a lot older than me and can really put them down told me he has quit drinking after making a fool of himself at his daughter’s charity function. I told him I was proud and we can meet up and have some wings instead. He said he was going to AA and I told him I am extremely proud of him and he did a very honorable thing. He said I could still drink around him and I said that is not necessary and I just want to hang out and let the dogs play together. I could kind of see him get a little choked up. 

 

I called our other friend to tell him and he was extremely dismissive of it and he was just in “ time out” from the wife. I responded that I don’t think thats it. When I got off the phone I became more pissed off that he wasn’t happy about the news and was actually a little pissy about it when responding to me. This guy probably needs AA more than anyone. It has made me not want to be around him for awhile. Just needed to vent and I am not a saint by any means but I want to support people. 

It's possible that your friend has been keeping tabs on the dog friend more closely than you have. I'm only saying that because it's a pretty common theme that those who are closest to alcoholics are often of the wait-and-see mindset. And with good reason usually. They've seen and heard every oath, promise, cross-my-heart-hope-to-die that the drunk has uttered over his career. The first twenty times they may hold out hope that this time they're really going to change. Frankly, and this is just my own opinion, many of us don't trust ourselves all that much either. It's why I keep doing what's been working.

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53 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

Curious as to if she qualified why your sobriety would be a dealbreaker.

When my now Fiance picked me up on an online dating site 7 years ago it was because I specifically mentioned that I was drug/alcohol free.

My bet is that if you make mention of that then you'll attract someone who isn't looking for a train wreck.

She told me that she wanted to be able to enjoy all aspects of her life with any partner and social drinking was a part of her life.  I have it in my profile that I don't drink or drug but just goes to show that people don't read it all or only see what they want to in there.  Or they think that is BS.  Oh well, I just sit there and look back as to when I got sober and heard the wait a year suggestion and didn't understand why but took it as a rule.  Now I see that might need to be extended out for myself.  I could have easily been persuaded if I were earlier in my sobriety that I could drink socially.

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11 minutes ago, Sparky said:

She told me that she wanted to be able to enjoy all aspects of her life with any partner and social drinking was a part of her life.  I have it in my profile that I don't drink or drug but just goes to show that people don't read it all or only see what they want to in there.  Or they think that is BS.  Oh well, I just sit there and look back as to when I got sober and heard the wait a year suggestion and didn't understand why but took it as a rule.  Now I see that might need to be extended out for myself.  I could have easily been persuaded if I were earlier in my sobriety that I could drink socially.

Reminds me, in 2000 I had the hots for a chickie-poo who was 13 years my junior. Things were groovy. She liked to get high on the herb so I figured "fuck it" and began to toke too. I'd smoked the weed for years before but I had given that up when I renewed my efforts at sobriety in '96. Anyway, she and I didn't last at all but I kept up the weed habit.

A few years later life got shitty and that's when I went back out. Hard. Who's to say if I would have gone back to drinking if I had not been getting high? Don't know. But my desire for pussy persuaded me that giving an inch was okay. I'm not willing to give that inch today.

Your experience with the lady may prove to have more value than you saw at the moment it happened.

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True Diablo, I have come to realize over the last few days that I am learning from this a lot.  It's just another example for me that there is always so much more to this program and sobriety than I thought.

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2 minutes ago, Sparky said:

True Diablo, I have come to realize over the last few days that I am learning from this a lot.  It's just another example for me that there is always so much more to this program and sobriety than I thought.

And those of us who have not yet made the jump back into dating can learn from your experience, hopefully. Thanks for sharing.

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2 hours ago, El Diablo said:

It's possible that your friend has been keeping tabs on the dog friend more closely than you have. I'm only saying that because it's a pretty common theme that those who are closest to alcoholics are often of the wait-and-see mindset. And with good reason usually. They've seen and heard every oath, promise, cross-my-heart-hope-to-die that the drunk has uttered over his career. The first twenty times they may hold out hope that this time they're really going to change. Frankly, and this is just my own opinion, many of us don't trust ourselves all that much either. It's why I keep doing what's been working.

I agree with that but the one who quit drinking and is going to AA had never talked about quitting before so I was bothered that the other friend “ who drinks more than anyone” was so dismissive of it. He almost seemed jealous. 

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2 hours ago, Clintonaldo said:

I agree with that but the one who quit drinking and is going to AA had never talked about quitting before so I was bothered that the other friend “ who drinks more than anyone” was so dismissive of it. He almost seemed jealous. 

Not telling. Might be scared too. Might have caused some introspection. Might miss his drinking buddy. Live and let live, I wish them all well, especially the alcoholic who still suffers because there is a way out.

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