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I'm An Alcoholic


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Good for you, Clintonaldo.  I got the talk from my doc on Feb. 3, fatty liver, maybe cirrhosis; quit drinking or start estate planning.  Almost 3 weeks in and doing OK.  Funny thing I realized it was it was more a habit than a need.  Last 11 months of work from home exacerbated the habit horribly. 

Spent the first week sleeping fitfully, now sleep well.  I make "mocktails" in the evening instead of what used to be called "big boy Cokes", 75/25 Jim Beam to Coke ratio.  Now, it is 50/50 Cran/Pom to soda water and I am doing good with that.  Something to drink of an evening and it is nice to not have my hands shaking for half the day.  I don't know if I fit in the "I'm an alcoholic" mode, but I grew to depend on it to some level.   

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1 hour ago, baboso said:

Good for you, Clintonaldo.  I got the talk from my doc on Feb. 3, fatty liver, maybe cirrhosis; quit drinking or start estate planning.  Almost 3 weeks in and doing OK.  Funny thing I realized it was it was more a habit than a need.  Last 11 months of work from home exacerbated the habit horribly. 

Spent the first week sleeping fitfully, now sleep well.  I make "mocktails" in the evening instead of what used to be called "big boy Cokes", 75/25 Jim Beam to Coke ratio.  Now, it is 50/50 Cran/Pom to soda water and I am doing good with that.  Something to drink of an evening and it is nice to not have my hands shaking for half the day.  I don't know if I fit in the "I'm an alcoholic" mode, but I grew to depend on it to some level.   

I'm sure your body grew physically dependent on it to some degree. I think it's hard not to for most regular drinkers. It doesn't sound like you deal with the obsession to the degree that some of us do - although you do have a good medical reason to stop which can help. 

You're always welcome at meetings if you find yourself struggling to keep it up down the line. We tend to spend a lot of our time finding ways to abstain and reminding ourselves why we quit. 

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8 hours ago, baboso said:

Good for you, Clintonaldo.  I got the talk from my doc on Feb. 3, fatty liver, maybe cirrhosis; quit drinking or start estate planning.  Almost 3 weeks in and doing OK.  Funny thing I realized it was it was more a habit than a need.  Last 11 months of work from home exacerbated the habit horribly. 

Spent the first week sleeping fitfully, now sleep well.  I make "mocktails" in the evening instead of what used to be called "big boy Cokes", 75/25 Jim Beam to Coke ratio.  Now, it is 50/50 Cran/Pom to soda water and I am doing good with that.  Something to drink of an evening and it is nice to not have my hands shaking for half the day.  I don't know if I fit in the "I'm an alcoholic" mode, but I grew to depend on it to some level.   

You nailed the habit vs need thing. I find myelf drinking 12 waters on Saturday now than a 12 pack. Weird huh? Happy for you and good luck 

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6 hours ago, ztejas said:

I'm sure your body grew physically dependent on it to some degree. I think it's hard not to for most regular drinkers. It doesn't sound like you deal with the obsession to the degree that some of us do - although you do have a good medical reason to stop which can help. 

You're always welcome at meetings if you find yourself struggling to keep it up down the line. We tend to spend a lot of our time finding ways to abstain and reminding ourselves why we quit. 

Thanks buddy and I appreciate it. I like this thread for a lot of reasons and it helps me for more than just alcohol. To me the principles in that book can be applied to everything in life and I use some of the stories y’all tell as motivation for a lot of things.

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10 hours ago, baboso said:

Good for you, Clintonaldo.  I got the talk from my doc on Feb. 3, fatty liver, maybe cirrhosis; quit drinking or start estate planning.  Almost 3 weeks in and doing OK.  Funny thing I realized it was it was more a habit than a need.  Last 11 months of work from home exacerbated the habit horribly. 

Spent the first week sleeping fitfully, now sleep well.  I make "mocktails" in the evening instead of what used to be called "big boy Cokes", 75/25 Jim Beam to Coke ratio.  Now, it is 50/50 Cran/Pom to soda water and I am doing good with that.  Something to drink of an evening and it is nice to not have my hands shaking for half the day.  I don't know if I fit in the "I'm an alcoholic" mode, but I grew to depend on it to some level.   

I appreciate your alcohol-to-mix ratio. Made me laugh out loud this morning. ūüôā

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Baboso and I have had MANY a Big Boy Coke together over the years. 75/25 may be generous, depending on how well our bartender was trained.  (Don't you hate having to retrain bartenders when your favorite gets fired.)   In fact, he was vital in helping me do many things.....  giving me a place to crash when I couldn't deal with my shit, make my wife bail my ass out of jail and helping find the treatment center I ended up at.   I too find myself mixing a new kind of cocktail when my wife gets on my ass.  Usually a Red Rocks ginger ale with lime and grenadine.  I mix it in my pint glass like I used to my Big Boy Cokes (BBC?).  It is spicy as fuck so it is kind of like a stiff BBC  (hehe).  Sometimes, depending on her behavior and attitude, I may have to drink 3 of them.  

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14 hours ago, baboso said:

Good for you, Clintonaldo.  I got the talk from my doc on Feb. 3, fatty liver, maybe cirrhosis; quit drinking or start estate planning.  Almost 3 weeks in and doing OK.  Funny thing I realized it was it was more a habit than a need.  Last 11 months of work from home exacerbated the habit horribly. 

Spent the first week sleeping fitfully, now sleep well.  I make "mocktails" in the evening instead of what used to be called "big boy Cokes", 75/25 Jim Beam to Coke ratio.  Now, it is 50/50 Cran/Pom to soda water and I am doing good with that.  Something to drink of an evening and it is nice to not have my hands shaking for half the day.  I don't know if I fit in the "I'm an alcoholic" mode, but I grew to depend on it to some level.   

Fatty liver is reversible, cirrhosis isn't. It's important to know what you're dealing with. Kind of surprised the doc didn't send you to a GI or hepatologist. Fatty to cirrhosis is not a crossover you want to make. 

Good luck and good work so far.  Try to get the juice with no added sugars if you can. Sugar fucks up your liver, too. 

 

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God moves in mysterious ways.

1986 - I remember being a freshman in HS and looking at the badass group of partying seniors and thinking "I want to be them so bad." In my mind, they were Gods - with the right cars, prettiest girls, best music and ample booze.  My oldest cousin was in their clique and I thought she and her gal pals were the coolest people on the planet.  Definitely a Dazed and Confused theme.

This week I started sponsoring one of those guys and it took me down memory lane.  Hell, in 1986 I hadn't even had a drink yet but was as alcoholic as I am now.  I think the moment the mental obsession started in me was the day MTV first aired on our cable system.

Family disease anyone? Went to my home group last night and smiled when I saw my aunt's (Mom's sister) name on the birthday board with 17 years.  Add my dad and other supposedly alcoholic ancestors to the DNA mix and it makes sense why I was fucked from the beginning.

God I'm so grateful to be sober, safe, and sane.

 

Edited by BearSchlong
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1 hour ago, DallasHorn26 said:

Woke up struggling a little bit today having that feeling of anxiety that I'm going to screw up again. I just have to be sober today and remind myself of my gratitudes and pray that my thoughts be directed. 

Valid.  False Events Appearing Real.  Fuck Everything and Run.  Or, Face Everything and Recover.

If you don't put in today you get a gold star, no matter what real or imagined troubles occur.  You wanna talk about it, PM me your cell number and I'll at least distract you and make you laugh.  I welcome the opportunity to just talk with another drunk.

@JohnnyRage you just did page 24 from the BB in real time on this page.  Reading your experience I can feel with sufficient force the pain and suffering.  Thank you for your sobriety.

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3 hours ago, DallasHorn26 said:

Woke up struggling a little bit today having that feeling of anxiety that I'm going to screw up again. I just have to be sober today and remind myself of my gratitudes and pray that my thoughts be directed. 

Do not ever doubt yourself 

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6 hours ago, DallasHorn26 said:

Woke up struggling a little bit today having that feeling of anxiety that I'm going to screw up again. I just have to be sober today and remind myself of my gratitudes and pray that my thoughts be directed. 

That's natural and expected.  We're alcoholic and its what we do.

Its also not a "bad" thing even though it may be uncomfortable for a while.  Lucky for us, we can't just be struck drunk without actually taking the 1st drink.  You don't have to worry about getting drunk if you don't take the first drink.  Sounds a bit trite, but its true 

I worry much more about guys when they tell me everything is great and while feeling "good" let their program take a back seat to other things.  They often end up drinking.  The guys expressing that anxiety you describe who bore into the program and a emphasize a conscious contact with their higher power stay sober.

You can't control the thoughts of anxiety that pop into your head but you can control your reaction to them.  Don't let it paralyze you, don't keep it internal where it gets infected and festers- do what you did to get it past your teeth and take action in the program.  That's what we can control.

I heard once that we learn to be comfortable feeling  uncomfortable and we do that by taking action and through communication with out higher power.  

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My friend, the one I’ve chronicled here over the last two years, is about to lose the battle with his demons. Yesterday would have been 10 weeks sober for him, but he relapsed on Monday. He’s out of sick time at work, and last relapse at the beginning of December the powers above us said this was the last time they would be able to let this go unaddressed. This isn’t going to end well.

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6 hours ago, BearSchlong said:
4 hours ago, Dewey said:

Do not ever doubt yourself 

 

1 hour ago, Reagan1k said:

That's natural and expected.  We're alcoholic and its what we do.

Its also not a "bad" thing even though it may be uncomfortable for a while.  Lucky for us, we can't just be struck drunk without actually taking the 1st drink.  You don't have to worry about getting drunk if you don't take the first drink.  Sounds a bit trite, but its true 

I worry much more about guys when they tell me everything is great and while feeling "good" let their program take a back seat to other things.  They often end up drinking.  The guys expressing that anxiety you describe who bore into the program and a emphasize a conscious contact with their higher power stay sober.

You can't control the thoughts of anxiety that pop into your head but you can control your reaction to them.  Don't let it paralyze you, don't keep it internal where it gets infected and festers- do what you did to get it past your teeth and take action in the program.  That's what we can control.

I heard once that we learn to be comfortable feeling  uncomfortable and we do that by taking action and through communication with out higher power.  

Valid.  False Events Appearing Real.  Fuck Everything and Run.  Or, Face Everything and Recover.

If you don't put in today you get a gold star, no matter what real or imagined troubles occur.  You wanna talk about it, PM me your cell number and I'll at least distract you and make you laugh.  I welcome the opportunity to just talk with another drunk.

@JohnnyRage you just did page 24 from the BB in real time on this page.  Reading your experience I can feel with sufficient force the pain and suffering.  Thank you for your sobriety.

Thanks guys and thank you @BearSchlongfor the chat earlier. I dropped into a meeting tonight and it was a very fitting discussion (funny how that always seems to happen). We read the southern gentlemen story from page 217. @Reagan1k, I feel like your replay fits nicely with the conversation we had tonight in the meeting. The man in the story felt complacent and was tempted to go buy a drink, but stopped to talk to other drunks along the way and spoke to his wife and those kept him from doing so. I had one of these ah ha moments today and realized I haven't been following my program as I should. This shit really does work if I follow it. Thankful to make it through another day sober and grateful for the words of encouragement today.

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Good morning all, happy to be here and happy to have another sober day behind me. I really loved the line from today's Daily Reflections and thought I'd share.

 

"May I always remember that the power within me is far greater than any fear before me. May I always have patience, for I am on the right road."

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2 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Hope everyone is having a good week.  My buddy I've talked about who was in jail got paroled yesterday after the debacle a month ago.  So happy for him and his family.  

That's great news.

48 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

Good here.  Had one of those vivid dreams last night of falling off the wagon.  Interestingly, I was apparently smoking weed - which I haven't done in 30 years and only did a handful of times.

That is actually good.  Drunk/using dreams, in my opinion, are admitting to my innermost self (subconscious) that I am alcoholic.

I had a dream where my best friend from high school showed up at a black tie gala reunion with a duffel bag of cocaine.  Opened it up and said "breathe deep, boys."  And I've never taken cocaine.

Had a dream where someone came into an AA meeting with a case of Budweiser and started passing them out to the attendees in the middle of the meeting.  

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Usually 30 days, contact HR at work, if you have one, they should help you out. Keep an open mind and when everything in you is saying no, stick with it, you'll see. All the best to you

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Best of luck @hundredTT.  Like any good drunk, I fucking lied at my intake interview about how bad I was and it almost bit me in the ass.    They were going to recommend a 14 day stay when I KNEW I needed at least 30 days.  Thankfully, my BP skyrocketed and they convinced my insurance company to pay for 30 days. 

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16 hours ago, hundredTT said:

not sure how to even do this with work yet either.

The outside world will still be there when you return.  You've got the rest of your life (a better life) on the other side.

There are a million things the disease will tell you are standing in the way of recovery, but none of them matter if you don't in fact recover.

The program I chose to follow proves to me that we can "recover from this seemingly hopeless state of mind and body......"

Godspeed @hundredTT!

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9 minutes ago, JohnnyRage said:

Knowing that I haven’t taken it as far as HundredTT is slightly triggering... like there’s still more time.

It's not a contest. I'm sure you did plenty to earn your chair. When thinking about "bottoms" something I return to is that our bottoms may have looked different from the outside - or been different materially or in terms of our physical health - but I think for all of us the way that we felt mentally and spiritually when we decided we had had enough and reached out for help is shockingly similar. 

Everything is relative. Different circumstances can get us to the same point. People may call me a high bottom drunk/cocaine addict but if they were to put themselves in my shoes those last few months they would be all too much at home because the desperation, apathy, depression, anxiety etc. is all there just like it was for them before they surrendered.

I didn't do any jail or prison time, I never did meth or heroin, I was never homeless, but I was and am afflicted with the same disease and mental obsession. In the same vein, there are people in the rooms that suffered less consequences than I did. I would never view them as unqualified to be here - because I know that there was no reason for me to take it as far as I did. Small things can add up, and then you look up and you're depressed and irritable all the time and can't function without alcohol - whether that time is measured in hours or days or weeks - and you realize that the disease has really licked you and taken over and that there's a better life out there. 

You can always try some controlled drinking if you need more convincing¬†ūüėČ

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1 hour ago, JohnnyRage said:

Knowing that I haven’t taken it as far as HundredTT is slightly triggering... like there’s still more time.

Interesting. My reaction is the opposite one-- namely, I don't have to drink today. Thank God, thank God, thank God, I do NOT have to drink today. 

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Day 1in the books. I got stabilized pretty very nice at the hospital, blood pressure and heart race were off the charts and now still not ideal, manageable. Drinking also for me to the obesity level because I’d drink from like 4pm-8pm hardcore, then eat like shit, then one last round 9-passing out. My labs thank god were t as bad as I thought and liver was high, but not to the danger zone and doc said it will recover if I stay away from the poison. Last nights sleep was rough, kept waking up and like delusional and just having random things that made no sense piping in my head. I was prescribed chlordiazepoxide, which made me very sleepy. Taking it every 4 hours until tomorrow. Today is already 10x better than yesterday, but I know I have a ways to go, just for the detox. Thanks for the support, love reading this thread. 
 

Oh, and I felt like an asshole because I was taken back pretty quick while others were waiting, because they still had a lot of covid and other serious injured people needing a bed, and I felt like my issue was caused because of my selfishness in not taking care of this years ago. But I guess they dont fuck around with patients withdrawing. 

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7 minutes ago, hundredTT said:

Oh, and I felt like an asshole because I was taken back pretty quick while others were waiting, because they still had a lot of covid and other serious injured people needing a bed, and I felt like my issue was caused because of my selfishness in not taking care of this years ago. But I guess they dont fuck around with patients withdrawing.

How hospitals triage is nothing for you to worry about.  Hang in there.

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yeah not your problem to worry about and... staying wide and clear from "politics" but alcoholism has a higher mortality rate than COVID. get your help. Glad to hear it sounds like you don't have much in the way of permanent damage if you can keep heading down the path you're on. I score you a 10/10 on the lucidity of your hospital posts

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1 hour ago, Celery Man said:

yeah not your problem to worry about and... staying wide and clear from "politics" but alcoholism has a higher mortality rate than COVID. get your help. Glad to hear it sounds like you don't have much in the way of permanent damage if you can keep heading down the path you're on. I score you a 10/10 on the lucidity of your hospital posts

Trust this man, he knows hospital posting. 

Best of luck, TT. We're here for you. 

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24 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

yeah not your problem to worry about and... staying wide and clear from "politics" but alcoholism has a higher mortality rate than COVID. get your help. Glad to hear it sounds like you don't have much in the way of permanent damage if you can keep heading down the path you're on. I score you a 10/10 on the lucidity of your hospital posts

Choked on my soda. 

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On 3/12/2021 at 12:24 PM, hundredTT said:

Oh, and I felt like an asshole because I was taken back pretty quick while others were waiting, because they still had a lot of covid and other serious injured people needing a bed, and I felt like my issue was caused because of my selfishness in not taking care of this years ago.

This is something you'll have the chance to make amends for in the future, if you strongly feel the need. It's an admirable attitude but for now, just praying you're taking it day by day and being selfish about getting better because early on, that's our best bet.

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Working on 18 years. If I can do it, trust me, anyone can. I was a functioning alcoholic who wanted to quit so badly and thought I could do it by myself. I couldn’t. God led me to the people and the program (AA) I needed after many years of prayer and suffering. Today, I’m blessed and so thankful. 

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On 3/12/2021 at 1:32 PM, Celery Man said:

yeah not your problem to worry about and... staying wide and clear from "politics" but alcoholism has a higher mortality rate than COVID. get your help. Glad to hear it sounds like you don't have much in the way of permanent damage if you can keep heading down the path you're on. I score you a 10/10 on the lucidity of your hospital posts

Not only that but Alcoholism is just about as contagious.  Sickens everyone in the alcoholic's orbit.

@hundredTT We're pulling for you.  There is a solution.

The good news is you never have to drink again.  The bad news, ah, well, we're your new friends.

But we're damned more interesting than anything on television.  Unscripted.  You simply can't make this shit up.  Alcoholics Anonymous is by far the best entertainment for your buck, and I mean that literally, a buck.  OK maybe 2. Inflation.

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8 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

and I mean that literally, a buck.

Ah, you're one of those cheap motherfuckers, huh?

Unfortunately I don't always have cash, but whenever I do, at least 2 bucks is winding up in the kitty. Guess I might average to $1.

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Just got off the phone with a coworker who was married to a former coworker.  He's a  former coworker because he got canned for being drunk on a morning conference call.  He was married because they just divorced a few months ago.  I keep hoping for that guy to hit rock bottom but looks like he's not there yet.  

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The funny thing is he's in HR and when a mutual friend of ours at the company had a tough time with the same issues, he told that friend just go do 30 days rehab, take a break, get clean and when you come back your job will be here and nobody will care that you were gone.  Said friend did exactly that and is doing great.

He knows the answer but just won't take his own advice.

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Good stuff.  Plus her opening and closing podcast music is done by a couple of Austin musicians, Carrie Rodriguez and Gina Chavez.   I admit I have a possibly unhealthy infatuation/borderline stalking relationship with Carrie.   

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2 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Good stuff.  Plus her opening and closing podcast music is done by a couple of Austin musicians, Carrie Rodriguez and Gina Chavez.   I admit I have a possibly unhealthy infatuation/borderline stalking relationship with Carrie.   

I have the same infatuation with Gina Chavez.

Yeah, I know. Don't care.

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