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Lame joke thread

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A man answers the phone at the medical office of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. "Hello, you've reached the medical office of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz, how may I help you?"

"Let me talk to Dr. Schwartz."

"I'm sorry, he's on vacation."

"Ah, okay. Well, let me talk to Dr. Schwartz."

"I'm sorry, he's in with a patient."

"Well in that case, let me talk to Dr. Schwartz."

"I'm sorry, he's at lunch."

"Well, let's see, let me talk to Dr. Schwartz."

"Speaking."

 

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Back to school special:

Kid comes home from his first day of school & his mom asks, “What did you learn today?”

Kid replies “Apparently not enough - they said I have to go back tomorrow."



Luke: Why did the M&M go to school?
Stan: ...Tell me.
Luke: Because he really wanted to be a Smartie!

 

A book never written: “When Does School Start?” by Wendy Belrings.

 

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon.

 

 

Stevie: Hey, Mom, I got one hundred in school today!
Mom: That’s great. What in?
Stevie: A 40 in Reading and a 60 in Spelling.

 

 

Mom: What did you do at school today?
Mark: We did a guessing game.
Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam.
Mark: That’s right.

 

 

Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with a direct object?
Student: You are pretty.
Teacher: What’s the direct object?
Student: A good report card.

 

 

Teacher: Why did you eat your homework, Joe?
Joe: Because I don’t have a dog.

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2 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

 

Stevie: Hey, Mom, I got one hundred in school today!
Mom: That’s great. What in?
Stevie: A 60 in Reading and a 45 in Math.

 

This is better.

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I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bike, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the basket.    As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bike, the bottle would break.   So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

 

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "Whatever did I do to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

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Mick turns to his boss and says ' We really should stop testing our products on animals! '

 

The boss looked over at him and replied ' Why?, Shampoo manufacturers do it all the time... '

 

Mick ' Yeah...., but we make hammers. '

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So, two young black dudes are driving through a country town that has close to zero black people... probably Vidor, but whatever... They're driving legally - not speeding, using turn signals to change lanes and turn, maintaining a safe distance, no drugs or weapons, no drinking.... pretty much being the well spoken equivalent of driving while black...

Local deputy sees them and lights them up.... wooop-wooop...

They pull over...

Deputy comes up to driver side, "License and registration, boy." The driver calmly hands his license to the deputy.

Driver asks, is there a problem sir, did I do anything wrong?

Deputy says, "Step outta the car, boy."

Driver gets out of the car, and starts to ask, "Is there a prob...."

SMACK!

Deputy smacks the shit out of the driver, and says, "Get back in the car."

Deputy walks around to the passenger side of the car and says, "Step on out."

The passenger steps out, silently....

SMACK!

Deputy smacks him, too.

Passengers says, "What was that for? I wasnt driving and I didn't say anything!"

"Yeah, but as soon as you would have gotten down the road a bit, you would have said, 'Shit, I wish that racist motherfucker woulda smacked me like that...'"

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My budgie broke his leg today, so I made him a splint out of a couple of matches.

 

You should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk

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Man comes home after a long day at work and finds his wife asleep with her mouth open. He gets two aspirin and puts them in her mouth. She wakes up and spits them out, saying "What are you doing? I don't have a headache!" "Good," he says, "let's fuck."

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A lame joke, that isn't a joke, because it actually happened in real life:
Florida man sent back to jail after not paying for taxi ride home from jail
Authorities say a Florida man was returned to jail shortly after his release because he couldn't pay the taxi driver that took him home from the jail.
Florida Today reports that 40-year-old Charles Folk was arrested Thursday morning and charged with petty theft.
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2018/06/28...from-jail.html
 
I worked with a woman at the state who's husband got arrested for dwi. She went to the jail and bailed him out and the cops arrested her for dwi when she pulled out of the jail parking lot.

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My 72 yr old mom just emailed me this one:

group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?
"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says ... Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".
She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Oooooh golf jokes?


I got two.

1. Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla
Bla bla bla bla bla
Her stance is too wide.

2. Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla
What do you mean "wrong hole"?

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On 9/28/2018 at 7:30 PM, MrPhlegm said:

Oooooh golf jokes?


I got two.

1. Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla
Bla bla bla bla bla
Her stance is too wide.

2. Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla
What do you mean "wrong hole"?

Bla bla bla bla bla
I said, "Hey lady, does this look like yours?", and that's how I got the 9 iron wrapped around my head.

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The Amazing Carnac (from 1974):

A: Hoity toity

Q: Where does a hoity go to the bathroom?

A: Francis Scott Key

Q: What do you use to lock up Francis Scott?

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I was telling my friend that I pulled a girl off the railway lines last night just before a train arrived then had wonderful sex with her, my friend said did she give you head? I replied.

Spoiler

Couldn't find her head..

 

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I was out on a date with a girl that had a reputation as being strange.

We're driving down a dark road. She asks me if I believe in witchcraft. 

I told her no. 

She bit me on the ear and I turned into a motel. 

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On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple
were involved in a fatal car accident.

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside
the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married
in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.

St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in
Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with
frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a
priest up here .....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find
a lawyer?"

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Why wouldn't the skeleton cross the road?

It didn't have the guts.

 

Did I tell you the joke about the mudhole?

I better not...its pretty dirty.

 

Maybe I'll tell you the joke about the unsharpened pencil....nah, it has no point.

 

Did you know trees can communicate?

They use their bark.

 

What did Helen Keller do when she fell off the cliff?

She screamed her fingers off.

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