I'm An Alcoholic

[JohnnyRage 1616]

38 minutes ago, hundredTT said:

Day 1 has been great so far. I took the day off and have been in bed all day watching Netflix, sports talk...etc. I haven’t had an appetite, so gonna eat a little something. 

Naked juice smoothies. Chamomile Tea. Magnesium & Potassium (fake salt)

I am not capable of giving sound medical advice.

 

[Dertyberd 394]

1 hour ago, hundredTT said:

Day 1 has been great so far. I took the day off and have been in bed all day watching Netflix, sports talk...etc. I haven’t had an appetite, so gonna eat a little something. 

Atta boy. Stay aware and if the shakes and the physical stuff starts, don’t be hero and fight through it cold. Sipping low point beer is the best “medicine” to keep you from seizing or dying. I’m only saying this under the assumption your body is used to around a liter of alcohol a day. Especially late night the first night. Keep checking in and stay hydrated with water the best you can.  

[TexArcher 36905]

4 hours ago, hundredTT said:

Day 1 has been great so far. I took the day off and have been in bed all day watching Netflix, sports talk...etc. I haven’t had an appetite, so gonna eat a little something. 

Bananas will help.  So will cranberry juice.  And obviously a ton of water.

Keep a close eye on yourself.  The risk for serious withdrawals gets worse on day 2 and into day 3.  Queasiness, anxiety, sleeplessness, sweats, and trembling hands are all common.  If the trembling gets worse and turns into shaking, like if you were really cold, get your ass to a doc.

Otherwise, hang in there and keep putting one hour at a time in the rear view.

[Celery Man 20535]

Good luck buddy.

 

[TexArcher 36905]

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/

This forum helped me a lot during the early days.  This thread is great, but it's slow traffic.  You can post above any time and find someone to talk to, and there's a section for newcomers.

(This is not in any way meant to be a substitute for a real life support group, but it's a good supplement)

[El Diablo 4232]

Good luck, man. I did it cold turkey too and I was killing a handle every two days for years. Honestly I don't even remember much of that week other than getting a sponsor and starting on the steps while I was still detoxing. I was at Step 3 by week 2. For me getting sober was about taking actions that didn't involve booze. Everyone is different, how my body handled it I don't know but I was desperate and I got lucky. We had a poster here whose family member stroked out in rehab, it happens. Be safe and God be with you.

[TexArcher 36905]

More free, unsolicited advice...

Do different things.  Everything that you're used to doing is associated with alcohol at a neural level.  If you used to sit around and watch tv while drinking, you need to do something else while you're quitting, something that doesn't prime the pump for cravings.

Get an instrument and learn to play it.  Read a book on a completely new topic.  Go for a lot of long walks or bike rides.  Do all the things you didn't do while you were drinking.  This can help ease the cravings and give your brain some new things to chew on.

No matter what, don't let yourself get bored.  It wasn't a bad day or something I wanted to celebrate that caused my relapse; it was simple boredom.  Realize that you have control of your attention and what you point it at, and point it at new, different things, and keep your mind active.  It'll help.

[Celery Man 20535]

Hang in there buddy. If we seem pushy or whatever it’s just, we’ve most of us been there or somewhere very similar. I probably killed a year periodically torturing myself “tapering off”. I hope you’re better at it than I was, or if not then less stubborn. At any rate, we all hope you succeed, and we’re all here.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

I had a prescription for Klonpin from 2004 until I went to rehab in 2018, so any time I decided It Was Time and I was going to stop cold turkey, cold turkey meant "with a side of benzodiazepine as needed". In detox, it was Atavan and then whatever that non-benzo non-addictive anxiety drug is that they give alcoholics-- it's diphenhydramine basically. 

I can't imagine trying to stop without being tapered down. 

[JohnnyRage 1616]

It sucks. The last few times I felt like I was doing some damage to my brain. But I had already pulled the 'work card' out of my back pocket. Something I knew was always there, but hoped that I would never have to, until I did. It was not my choice, but it saved my ass.

To me, the insomnia on top of everything else is the worst symptom. Takes about to the third night for me to get any restorative sleep.

Edited August 22, 2019 by JohnnyRage

[ztejas 42744]

23 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

I had a prescription for Klonpin from 2004 until I went to rehab in 2018, so any time I decided It Was Time and I was going to stop cold turkey, cold turkey meant "with a side of benzodiazepine as needed". In detox, it was Atavan and then whatever that non-benzo non-addictive anxiety drug is that they give alcoholics-- it's diphenhydramine basically. 

I can't imagine trying to stop without being tapered down. 

Somewhat off topic (but not really), do you still take Kpin at all and if not, was it difficult quitting? Do you think it aided in getting sober, or just created it's own set of issues?

Benzos seem like something that users have differing experiences with - and something that can be dangerous and/or get you pretty deep into addiction/dependence if you let it or go in with a healthy dose of ignorance. Personally I've never thought them to be as bad as a heavy drinking habit but I know others might disagree. 

quick check-in  - going on 15 days - have a meeting circled and on my schedule for tomorrow

[ztejas 42744]

3 minutes ago, JohnnyRage said:

To me, the insomnia on top of everything else is the worst symptom. Takes about to the third night for me to get any restorative sleep.

It's pretty wild what it does to your sleep. My entire sleep schedule has shifted 3-4 hours (in the right direction) in just a couple of weeks.

[TwiceHorn 30715]

Benzos are bad.  They are a necessary evil in detox, mostly because of their anticonvulsive properties.  Booze in pill form.

[ztejas 42744]

Oh I know they're bad... wasn't trying to champion benzos at all. just wanted to know what Swandered's personal experience was since he was on a scrip for so long. 

[JohnnyRage 1616]

18 minutes ago, ztejas said:

It's pretty wild what it does to your sleep. My entire sleep schedule has shifted 3-4 hours (in the right direction) in just a couple of weeks.

I value sleep in a whole new way. About the fourth night I have no problems sleeping. I don’t force my self to bed, I let myself fall asleep. I do have to old man pee a time or two a night, but I fall right back asleep. I’m so grateful for that.

Any night I add alcohol to the mix, any night, my sleep goes to shit. I wake up more often, I have intense worry dreams, I wake up two hours too early. And even though I may not be hungover, I’m so tired from shitty sleep. And I can feel the dehydration for days. Oh and runny stool for about a day. Good times.

Edited August 22, 2019 by JohnnyRage

[JohnnyRage 1616]

17 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

Benzos are bad.  They are a necessary evil in detox, mostly because of their anticonvulsive properties.  Booze in pill form.

Never were my D.O.C. Like the poster above said, if I took too much they just made me very sleepy and that’s not any fun. Never felt the addiction, but they can make you feel very bumbling very similar to alcohol.

They did help with my anxiety quite a bit. And we’re very useful for detox. I ran out of my last prescription about three years ago and my PCP was not there. The backup doctor freaked out about some liability paper work. So I have never bothered since.

Others do abuse them though I hear. And I have heard that they are addictive.

To me the worst aspect of ‘Benzos’  is that it makes quitting alcohol too easy. You should get one or two cracks at it. After that you have a built in excuse that quitting is easy if you have the pills.

Not having the pills combined with self-detoxing is one of the biggest reasons, if not the biggest, that I can’t fuck around like that. Too painful, too dangerous, too many unacceptable consequences. And OMG The Insomnia.

Edited August 22, 2019 by JohnnyRage

[JohnnyRage 1616]

(caveat - I've only ever taken one kind, it was a generic that started with a 'c' and was super long non-nonsensical that I could never remember, I didn't even know what a 'benzo' was at the time)

Edited August 22, 2019 by JohnnyRage

[TwiceHorn 30715]

52 minutes ago, JohnnyRage said:

Never were my D.O.C. Like the poster above said, if I took too much they just made me very sleepy and that’s not any fun. Never felt the addiction, but they can make you feel very bumbling very similar to alcohol.

They did help with my anxiety quite a bit. And we’re very useful for detox. I ran out of my last prescription about three years ago and my PCP was not there. The backup doctor freaked out about some liability paper work. So I have never bothered since.

Others do abuse them though I hear. And I have heard that they are addictive.

To me the worst aspect of ‘Benzos’  is that it makes quitting alcohol too easy. You should get one or two cracks at it. After that you have a built in excuse that quitting is easy if you have the pills.

Not having the pills combined with self-detoxing is one of the biggest reasons, if not the biggest, that I can’t fuck around like that. Too painful, too dangerous, too many unacceptable consequences. And OMG The Insomnia.

Quitting is easy if you have the pills because you are just swapping addictions.  Benzos are highly addictive and are easily exchanged for alcohol because of the similarity of the intoxication.

There's a lingering notion that benzos are harmless that is wrong, wrong, wrong.  I suppose compared to opiates they are "harmless," but a lot of people might say that about alcohol, too.

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

1 hour ago, ztejas said:

Somewhat off topic (but not really), do you still take Kpin at all and if not, was it difficult quitting? Do you think it aided in getting sober, or just created it's own set of issues?

Benzos seem like something that users have differing experiences with - and something that can be dangerous and/or get you pretty deep into addiction/dependence if you let it or go in with a healthy dose of ignorance. Personally I've never thought them to be as bad as a heavy drinking habit but I know others might disagree. 

quick check-in  - going on 15 days - have a meeting circled and on my schedule for tomorrow

not that you're waiting on pins and needles for a response but I want to give this the appropriate amount of thought-- TLDR is "I don't take them anymore but I still have some left for emergencies so it's complicated"

[Dewey 3266]

My ex wife took a klonopin every night before bed. When I started waking up at 2,3,4 in the morning, drinking more to go back to sleep, I decided to take one, to see if it would help. It was dark and I wasnt about to wake her, grabbed the wrong rx bottle and took a strong pain killer. Fucked me up for a week, at least.

Month or so down the road, she started to have terrible back pains and I asked her if out of all the drugs she keeps in her nightstand, if there was something for the pain. She said yes, but it's too strong and when she takes it, shes off for a week and feels all kinds of weird. 

Oh, really? Ugh, that week was a nightmare, it all was a nightmare. Finally got good sleep when I sobered up. No drink, no pills, just a glass of milk. Thankful.

[El Diablo 4232]

2 hours ago, JohnnyRage said:

It sucks. The last few times I felt like I was doing some damage to my brain. But I had already pulled the 'work card' out of my back pocket. Something I knew was always there, but hoped that I would never have to, until I did. It was not my choice, but it saved my ass.

To me, the insomnia on top of everything else is the worst symptom. Takes about to the third night for me to get any restorative sleep.

The insomnia does suck. Raw nerves, brain won't shut down. Nothing about quitting the booze is pleasant. It's the loss of your best friend. There's mourning and sadness and uncertainty and it's right there calling you back the whole time telling you it will be better this time. Only it's a lying mother fucker. It's sure, miserable death calling.

[BearSchlong 7965]

Best method I've found for getting sleep is mentally reciting the lord's prayer until I'm out cold.

A clear conscience makes a soft pillow, but in order to get that I had to work the steps.

IIRC when I was about 6 months sober I began sleeping better than I ever imagined - but yeah, it took a while for the old noggin to settle down.

[El Diablo 4232]

27 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

Best method I've found for getting sleep is mentally reciting the lord's prayer until I'm out cold.

A clear conscience makes a soft pillow, but in order to get that I had to work the steps.

IIRC when I was about 6 months sober I began sleeping better than I ever imagined - but yeah, it took a while for the old noggin to settle down.

Yeah, I didn't want to discourage anyone but it was a good while before I got good sleep. Too much nerve damage in my case. Conscience was fine for me because I'd done the deal before and knew I'd be taking care of that asap. But the nerves just took their sweet fucking time, lol.

[hullabelew 3697]

15 hours ago, TexArcher said:

More free, unsolicited advice...

Do different things.  Everything that you're used to doing is associated with alcohol at a neural level.  If you used to sit around and watch tv while drinking, you need to do something else while you're quitting, something that doesn't prime the pump for cravings.

Get an instrument and learn to play it.  Read a book on a completely new topic.  Go for a lot of long walks or bike rides.  Do all the things you didn't do while you were drinking.  This can help ease the cravings and give your brain some new things to chew on.

No matter what, don't let yourself get bored.  It wasn't a bad day or something I wanted to celebrate that caused my relapse; it was simple boredom.  Realize that you have control of your attention and what you point it at, and point it at new, different things, and keep your mind active.  It'll help.

Different is a great tool.  I started going in to work earlier and driving to work a different way than I used to.  I quit listening to shitty sports talk about spoiled athletes and started listening to podcasts.  I traded lunch time drinking for a lunch time meeting.  Started bringing lunch instead eating out every day. 

[SwanderedTalent 5761]

7 hours ago, ztejas said:

Somewhat off topic (but not really), do you still take Kpin at all and if not, was it difficult quitting? Do you think it aided in getting sober, or just created it's own set of issues?

Benzos seem like something that users have differing experiences with - and something that can be dangerous and/or get you pretty deep into addiction/dependence if you let it or go in with a healthy dose of ignorance. Personally I've never thought them to be as bad as a heavy drinking habit but I know others might disagree. 

quick check-in  - going on 15 days - have a meeting circled and on my schedule for tomorrow

I really see it as a separate thing from my alcoholism, and I wouldn't worry about taking a benzo in a situation where I was having acute panic (nor would I count that as a slip against my sobriety date). That is not to say they are safe for all alcoholics to take; they work on the same GABA reward path as alcohol so the slippery slope there is obvious. Since I got out of rehab, I've taken two of them-- both in response to panic situations where I was unable to change my surroundings (my first step in combating panic). I haven't found it difficult at all to manage usage-- I rarely have anything more than mild butterflies, like anxiety before performing onstage, and like a normie I can distract myself from that long enough for it to pass. It (anxiety) doesn't consume me the way it used to so it doesn't even become panic 99 times out of 100.

If you'd told me I'd be able to fly without taking anything, I would not have believed you, but I am able to do that. Just knowing I HAVE the Klonopin is usually enough of a backstop to prevent anxiety from spiraling.

The bigger risk would be, when it stimulates neural pathways previously used by alcohol, does it then make my brain at some level want alcohol? It has never done that to me, but I would not be comfortable taking it every day for a week or anything like that. I am not immune; I could get hooked if I took enough of it often enough, so it needs to remain a medicinal remedy on the rare occasions where it's absolutely necessary.  

That's what's right for me, I wouldn't characterize this as advice for anyone else. 

[hundredTT 575]

The first time I got sober, sleep was a disaster and I would dream of having seizures, heart attack, would wake up not knowing if I was dying or not.  First night in the book went pretty good. Didn't wake up gasping for air, drinking obviously is not good for sleep apnea - still need to get that treated though. Took things slow today and felt  zombie like, had to force myself to eat. Started feeling some anxiety and light headedness around 4, slowly starting to go away. Overall not too bad, but I def do not feel great. Felt feverish earlier as well, that's starting to go away. 

[Celery Man 20535]

Hang in there, glad it's going well.

 

Echoing what everyone else is saying - sleep was a huge problem for me.  And the night sweats.  Still hate it if I can't sleep very well, it takes me back to that place.  And I like to keep the house cold at night and can't stand if I'm sweating in bed.

[JohnnyRage 1616]

Hooray!

[J.R. 150]

52 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

Hang in there, glad it's going well.

 

Echoing what everyone else is saying - sleep was a huge problem for me.  And the night sweats.  Still hate it if I can't sleep very well, it takes me back to that place.  And I like to keep the house cold at night and can't stand if I'm sweating in bed.

Not being able to sleep was a significant contributing factor for me ending up way in the ditch. That and probably generations but for sure at least a generation on both sides. 

[hundredTT 575]

Day 2 in the books. Felt very off all day, just now hitting the sack and feel exhausted. Kept myself busy. Visited my mom/dad little nephew and watched some preseason football and did a fantasy draft. My dad doesn’t drink, so it’s always good to be able to watch sports without booze around. Was a good night. 

Edited August 23, 2019 by hundredTT

[JohnnyRage 1616]

When you wake up tomorrow, you will never ever have to go through this again. Allow your life to get better.

[El Diablo 4232]

It's possible that in a few days you'll be feeling good enough again to want a drink. Don't do it, it's a trap. Just get up, make it to sundown however you can without drinking and put another day behind you. It will get better. Don't fall for the lies. 

[gasman 114]

18 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

It's possible that in a few days you'll be feeling good enough again to want a drink. Don't do it, it's a trap. Just get up, make it to sundown however you can without drinking and put another day behind you. It will get better. Don't fall for the lies. 

This right here. I lost track of the number of times I "quit". Started feeling better and thought, that maybe wasn't so bad. I bet I could try again and moderate this way......

[BearSchlong 7965]

in 2018 there were an estimated 2,130,419 alcoholics in 125,352 groups globally currently sober through a proven method established 84 years and 2 months ago.

@hundredTT we invite you to join us on the road to happy destiny.

[El Diablo 4232]

I accepted @BearSchlong's invitation 3 years, 6 months and 28 days ago and have not regretted a single day. One day at a time.

[Reagan1k 2999]

“Maybe I over-reacted” is the mantra of still suffering alcoholics who keep stepping back in the fire over and over after drying out for a few days when they start feeling better. 

Don’t do it.  Take action.  Grab a guy in an AA meeting and tell him you want to stop and stay stopped.  Ask for direction on how to work through the steps.  Work them post haste.  You don’t have to “understand it”.  Just do it. 

 

[JohnnyRage 1616]

And so it begins my brothers...

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

16 minutes ago, JohnnyRage said:

And so it begins my brothers...

Bender? 

[JohnnyRage 1616]

1 minute ago, BBQ2Bayou said:

Bender? 

No! At least not today.

But for others...

College Football Season!!!!

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Haha. Yeah. It'll be my second season sober for it. Last season was only a couple months after I got sober. I have always only watched games alone though, so I wasn't around booze and it wasn't hard not to drink. Well, wasn't extra hard just because college ball was here. 

[hundredTT 575]

I failed bad today. Had a family gathering that I thought I could handle. Between football, bbq, cousins....I’m not nearly as strong as I thought. 6 tall boys and a several heavy mixed drinks of vodka and tonic - I’m back to square one. Need way more help than I thought. 

[TexArcher 36905]

Try not to beat yourself up.  Relapses happen.  And guilt doesn't help.  

You tried it on your own and you made some good progress.  You got, what, 3 days sober before today?  Shit, that's better than I did in 2 years of trying to quit before I finally succeeded.

But when I finally succeeded, I was going to meetings twice a day.  I never could have gotten through even a week of sobriety without them.

You're trying to figure out how to climb Everest on your own.  Why not ask the thousands of people who've already done it?

[JohnnyRage 1616]

Good on you to be honest. Being honest with yourself brings hope.

Just because you drank today, doesn't mean you have to go off the rails again tomorrow.

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

6 hours ago, hundredTT said:

I failed bad today. Had a family gathering that I thought I could handle. Between football, bbq, cousins....I’m not nearly as strong as I thought. 6 tall boys and a several heavy mixed drinks of vodka and tonic - I’m back to square one. Need way more help than I thought. 

I love the alcoholic menu.  You didn't slip and have a beer.  You slipped and bought the store.  Go hard or go home, we alcoholics do.

Hang in there.  Today is the best day to not drink.  1581 days for me!

[Dewey 3266]

7 hours ago, hundredTT said:

Need way more help than I thought. 

Do not be discouraged by this thought, what you are doing takes courage, just admitting that took courage. Everyone's hope is you get back up, find that courage, get the help you need and kick this thing in the cunt. Pick yourself up and keep moving forward. 

[Kennythetiger 9274]

Well, now you know you can't do it on your own.  Your move from here.  Glad you posted- took guts and honesty.  

Liked your first line, ernest.

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

I got up this morning feeling great after sleeping really well. Made some coffee that tasted amazing and started internetting and watching some background TV. First thing that came on was a show where the guy got shit canned the night before and was really stuggling that morning. I could almost feel his hangover that I have experienced countless times. The pounding head, barely being able to swallow, barely being able to get down water, trying to remember the last time I ate,  inventorying the booze in the house to start up again or was I going to have to go to the store which seems like a huge thing to take on. 

Just a small reminder that made me grateful of how I feel and how I hope I never go back. Those little things are often overlooked by me, but for some reason the timing was right this morning where I thought "damn, I really was living a fucked up, miserable life". 

[UDontKnow 10439]

11 hours ago, hundredTT said:

I failed bad today. Had a family gathering that I thought I could handle. Between football, bbq, cousins....I’m not nearly as strong as I thought. 6 tall boys and a several heavy mixed drinks of vodka and tonic - I’m back to square one. Need way more help than I thought. 

1.)  It's okay. "Relapses," "slip-ups," or whatever the preferred nomenclature is part of the process.

2.) You have insight. You wrote, "Need way more help than I thought." Lots of folks either don't realize this or can never bring themselves to admit that this is the case. You're ahead in this regard.

3.) Part of this process is about your environment. Early on in this process, try your best to avoid settings or routes that take you by places where there is alcohol. You should employ your support system (friends, family, and loved ones) in this process (i.e. have a social get together without alcohol in the environment). You will find over time that the relapses will become fewer and less frequent. 

4.) Consider taking one of these supplements to help your liver out: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=nac+supplement&crid=2GJW6QYOXNUHY&sprefix=nac+s%2Caps%2C189&ref=nb_sb_ss_i_2_5 . Also, coffee helps cleanse the liver too.

Keep trying -  you can do this!

[BearSchlong 7965]

On 8/25/2019 at 12:05 AM, hundredTT said:

I failed bad today. Had a family gathering that I thought I could handle. Between football, bbq, cousins....I’m not nearly as strong as I thought. 6 tall boys and a several heavy mixed drinks of vodka and tonic - I’m back to square one. Need way more help than I thought. 

@hundredTT  My friend  I don't think this is a failure at all, on the contrary - as long as you are being honest and continuing your field research then some good will come of it.

Back in the old days if you showed up at an AA meeting and said you wanted to drink, oftentimes he old timers would throw money at you and tell you "here, first 6 pack is on me.  Go drink and report back.

I ain't willing to do SHIT until I'm convinced that the way I'm doing things will end up with me dead or broken.  I'm hardheaded.  Drank like an alcoholic for 22 years before I was convinced.

Even now at 8.5 years sober I have to remain convinced that nothing would be different this time if I were to take a drink. That's the most important self-dialogue that occurs every day.

When I am armed with the facts about my own drinking, then I can become helpful to other men that are having difficulty with theirs.  I can't tell you "well, just don't drink" - but I can tell you that when I was willing to change every single thing - people, places, and things - then I had a shot at abstaining.  

[El Diablo 4232]

On 8/25/2019 at 12:43 AM, JohnnyRage said:

Good on you to be honest. Being honest with yourself brings hope.

Just because you drank today, doesn't mean you have to go off the rails again tomorrow.

Yep. Made a choice you regret? Make a different one today. It can be just that simple. Maybe not so easy, but simple. One day at a time. Don't look back, don't look forward, just focus on the moment and don't drink. This moment will pass and then we're in another moment. That's life. Best wishes to all who are trying.