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  • Why Texas Stomps a Mudhole In LSU's Ass


    closetojumping

     

    One of the great things about being a Texas fan is that the football team plays at least 10 P5 teams each year. I heard some SEC honk on XM 84 mention recently that Georgia is really showing the world who’s the balls by playing an amazing 10 P5 games this year.

    “Wow. I’m sexually aroused, Commander.”

    You know who else plays 10 P5 games this year? Every fucking Pac 12, Big 10, and Big 12 team in existence, you myopic fuck. These fucking clowns have gone so deep into their own fart-huffing that they forgot that the sport is actually played beyond the range of their backwater region.

    Anyway, part of what’s great about how Texas plays its 10 P5 games is that the 10th game is damned near always against a worthy opponent with a well-known brand. This year is no different, as the horns don their gear this Saturday to face a powerful foe in the LSU Tigers. It should be a great match-up and fun Saturday night. And by that, I mean I expect Texas to stomp a deep and dirty mudhole painfully into the ass of these Cajun hillbillies and send them packing back to the swampy nether regions faster than you can spot corruption in their state government.

    “But closetojumping, LSU’s student athletes are among the elite in college sports!”

    First of all, let’s be clear about something, I don’t think LSU is even an accredited university. The trolls showing up to this site, and anyone who’s ever read TigerDroppings can also attest, simply reflect the concept that LSU isn’t an actual school, therefore these are not “Student” Athletes that UT is playing. Look at the facts:

    -LSU has an application acceptance rate of 74%. The literacy rate for the state of Louisiana most recently posted at 69% according to the Department of Education. Basic math says this is an open-enrollment school creating vocational opportunities for the literate and semi-literate in its home state. They’re effectively taking anyone from Louisiana that can sign their name on the application.

    -The admission standards and average SAT scores accepted into LSU are lower than the NCAA eligibility requirements for true freshmen student athletes entering into its FBS schools. A state of Texas GED is an acceptable posting of the documents required for acceptance into LSU.

    Given this data, it’s reasonable to assess that LSU’s football team is in effect a local team of mercenaries that do not face the same academic and educational responsibilities that any of their opponents besides Ole Miss, Auburn, and Mississippi State will face. So they’re not to be called student-athletes, and they’re able to show up competing with that advantage against Texas. I still like where we sit against them and their fans, both in this game and in life.

    “closetojumping, you seem awfully bullish about Texas facing a team with a new offensive juggernaut of an offense that dismantled a mighty 10 win team last weekend.”

    I keep hearing a couple of refrains from LSU visitors, the media talking heads, and the coelenterates cloaked in UT gear that surface themselves on the boards and at the proverbial water cooler. The mighty new offense is one of the bigger talking points as to why Texas shouldn’t even bother showing up this weekend.

    So LSU hired a guy that’s never actually been a coordinator of any sort and shoved him into the pedestrian Ensminger’s thinking, and asked those two to have a football baby. And we’re supposed to be concerned, especially after watching LSU publicly buttfuck the wizards of GA Southern. “Hey, GAS won 10 games last year, they’re strong.” Right. Their best win last year was against Appalachian State. They were blown out by ULM. So, no, pummeling a shithole team from the Sun Belt doesn’t do anything for me. I realize, given LSU’s troubles with the Sun Belt, this is a step up, like going from using an outhouse to having indoor plumbing.

    A wise philosopher once said that everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face. Installing a new offense with a nonbelieving head coach that panics when he sees his offenses actively using motion faces more peril than what a cupcake can present. When Texas sends LSU back to the sidelines after a couple of 3 and outs, let’s see how much resolve Brady and Ensminger have when Baron von Edward Beauregard Orgeron is heaving red bull and dirty rice flavored, spittle-loaded invective in their direction and regressing the offense back to 3 yards and a cloud of dust. Orgeron’s loomed like a gargoyle over the offensive strategy of his staff in every season of every stop he’s made as a head coach. It’s difficult to fathom that he’s shaken that monkey in one offseason because an analyst from the Saints was hired.

    The oldest running joke in college football is that LSU has opened up its offense. That punchline will be toasted again in the late hours of Saturday night.

    “CTJ, these LSU boys got that swagger though!!! They Sposed to be SEC!!!”

    A team hasn’t talked this much shit about an opponent since Miami prepared to face Penn State in the 1987 Fiesta Bowl. The media has certainly bathed LSU in Sazerac-flavored glory as the LSU idiots have fed them sound byte after sound byte.

    K’Lavon Chaisson and his 3 career sacks has pulled up in his shit smelling clown car and spouted off at the mouth to anyone who will listen. This guy must still be pissed that Tom Herman took up residence in his home for 8 hours and subjected him to bingewatching Friends.

    One of the linebackers has announced that they’re going to run over Sam Cosmi in 10 different ways. I can’t remember which one said it, and while my understanding is that their LB corps is apparently on par with 70’s Steelers, I don’t see a single fucking one that can sniff Devin White’s jock, and he’s long gone.

    Their entire DB unit has collectively rubbed its sandy vagina and moaned that Texas, a program that has put more than 60 DBs into the league, has the temerity to continue to claim a moniker that UT’s been using for 3 decades. The LSU DBs are hurt because history apparently started with Patrick Peterson and the fucking Honey Badger. Right. Sorry, LSU, we forgot you were there.

    All of the shit talking and chest beating is the same false bravado we witnessed in our last 2 endeavors against overrated SEC teams. They’re fucking great because they say they are. It’s got all the markings of a situation in which a team shows up, throws their helmets out on the field, and says “okay, we’re here, give us the W”. As Texas fans, we know it all too well, having seen that bullshit start with overhype at the turn of the decade and the UT teams of that period playing right into it.

    Herman lives for this kind of game and situation, and his team feeds off of it as well. Underdogs at home? Getting shittalked by clowns who’ve never shared the field with Texas? Big national audience? All those boxes are checked and the history of those circumstances tells us that Texas will be ready.

    Beyond the mental prep, or lack thereof, depending upon the side, there’s also a really simple exercise to think through here. If you had one game to win against a highly touted and talented opponent, which head coach would you want prepping the strategy for your team and hatching the gameplan – Tom Herman or Sir Edgar Beaujolais Orgeron, Esq.? Only LSU fans are dumb enough to claim they’d choose the latter.

    “OH NO closetojumping, you’ve doomed us to our fate!!”

    I mudhole posted about USC last year, if it makes you feel any better. Stop squatting to pee. Texas wins this game with a score closer than the way the game was actually played on the field – 31-24. I expect misdirection, tempo, and a steady diet of fat ass LSU defenders sucking wind. The Texas defense will sell out to stop the run and force Jesus Joe Burrow to swagger the passing game to a big night while the beached whales masquerading as offensive linemen attempt to fend off multiple blitzes in front of him.

    I look forward to seeing many hot and trashy Cajun females bawling after the game, barely speaking audible English, lamenting the beating their team just took. LSU players, apparently, will be looking forward to heading back to the lockerroom so they can continue to compare notes on how they’re going to rape each other, or whatever the fuck this is:

     

     

    Anyway, Hook'em


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    27 minutes ago, Dr Grind said:

    Is ole Hermdawg gonna make out with his players before this game?

    No.  He and Michelle are going to do lines off a stripper's tits at midfield just before the coin flip.

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    47 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

    Nobody has said our rb depth is a strength, at least not seriously. 

    Your 5 rbs combined for 3.8 ypc against Georgia community college and tire repair. Does that mean they all suck, only some, or your line sucks?  In no way does it show strength. 

    I can answer this. It's because their offensive line was complete trash at run blocking in that game. I mean total garbage. And believe me, after the last decade we know what an awful OL performance looks like.

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    22 minutes ago, Newy25 said:

    I love the stat about the acceptance rate being higher than the state literacy rate. 

    But of course as we know, you can still be illiterate and be the head coach. 

    Yaw yaw-yaw yaw yaaaaaw yaw, yaw yaw, foo-ball!

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    26 minutes ago, sushihorn said:

    No.  He and Michelle are going to do lines off a stripper's tits at midfield just before the coin flip.

    We all have our rituals.  This is one I’m going to add to the golf bag.

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    2 hours ago, Dr Grind said:

    Never seen the word "Baw" trigger so many people so fast.  Must be a big 12 thing.  You baws wouldn't make it on Tigerdroppings

    With IQ lower than your post count, you won’t make it on Surly.

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    56 minutes ago, Newy25 said:

    I love the stat about the acceptance rate being higher than the state literacy rate. 

    But of course as we know, you can still be illiterate and be the head coach. 

    I have it on good source that Ed O posts here as Chad Briscoe.

     

     

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    45 minutes ago, Huckleberry said:

    And believe me, after the last decade we know what an awful OL performance looks like.

    Honestly, after having rewatched the Sugar Bowl so many times, one of the things I loved most was seeing the Texas OL outperform a really hyped up OL from a school that supposedly had a power running game. LSU's OL isn't anywhere near as hyped, but all the same, I'm going to enjoy the fuck out of being a fan of the team with the better OL Saturday. There are few things in life as pleasant as seeing a stack of pancakes, leading up to a fourth quarter full of long, demoralizing drives on the ground. That's the Texas football I remember, and that's the Texas football I think we're getting back to. Everybody thinks QB when you say "Sam's the best player on the field" but Cosmi can make it a mighty fun argument about who's the best Sam on the field. Alhamdulillah.

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    1 hour ago, sushihorn said:

    More accurately: it don't make a shit.

    Texas has a HC that produced a NC winning offense with a 3rd string QB.  Lack of depth is hardly a deal breaker in Tom Herman's world.

    Plus, he won 10 games and took the SEC's #2 to the woodshed with last season's 1 deep everywhere Texas team.

    Edited by ShaggyBevo RIP
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    2 hours ago, Dr Grind said:

    You baws wouldn't make it on Tigerdroppings

    Well, this confirms that my life is a failure. Woe is me. I'm gonna go hang out with Eeyore, maybe he can cheer me up.

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    2 hours ago, Doc Reeves said:

    Anyone else getting an Vidor vibe from these swamp trolls?

    Yeah, I think state lines don't really change the people of a region. I had experience with this in Kansas City. Regarding our border with Louisiana, I've noticed West Louisiana Box Face women about as frequently as East Texas Box Face women.

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    2 minutes ago, PsychMike said:

    Well, this confirms that my life is a failure. Woe is me. I'm gonna go hang out with Eeyore, maybe he can cheer me up.

    It's "whoa" BTW. I normally wouldn't be sensitive to such inconsequential things but this board seems really touchy when it come to grammar.  Just a friendly warning  or the grammar hall monitors might make you kneel in rice as penance. 

    • Fuck You 14
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    1 minute ago, GumboPot said:

    It's "whoa" BTW. I normally wouldn't be sensitive to such inconsequential things but this board seems really touchy when it come to grammar.  Just a friendly warning  or the grammar hall monitors might make you kneel in rice as penance. 

    woe |  | noun literary great sorrow or distress: they had a complicated tale of woe.  (woes) things that cause sorrow or distress; troubles: to add to his woes, customers have been spending less. PHRASES woe betide someone (or woe to someone) used humorously to warn someone that they will be in trouble if they do a specified thing: woe betide anyone wearing the wrong color! woe is me! an ironic or humorous exclamation of sorrow or distress

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    5 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

    It's "whoa" BTW. I normally wouldn't be sensitive to such inconsequential things but this board seems really touchy when it come to grammar.  Just a friendly warning  or the grammar hall monitors might make you kneel in rice as penance. 

    Literate people tend to be...

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    7 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

    It's "whoa" BTW. I normally wouldn't be sensitive to such inconsequential things but this board seems really touchy when it come to grammar.  Just a friendly warning  or the grammar hall monitors might make you kneel in rice as penance. 

    aDW3Itd.gif

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    1 minute ago, SuingToGetAMessageBoard? said:

    That literacy rate stat just got some supporting evidence.

    Give the man a break. He's actually quite literate for a kitchen pot.

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    10 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

    It's "whoa" BTW. I normally wouldn't be sensitive to such inconsequential things but this board seems really touchy when it come to grammar.  Just a friendly warning  or the grammar hall monitors might make you kneel in rice as penance. 

     

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    1 minute ago, Winona's Big Orange Bevo said:

    "Whoa" is what you say when you're fucking your sister/cousin and she starts calling out your brothers name. Woe is what we Texans feel having y'all as state neighbors.  

    The rose goes in front, big guy.

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    12 minutes ago, PsychMike said:

    woe |  | noun literary great sorrow or distress: they had a complicated tale of woe.  (woes) things that cause sorrow or distress; troubles: to add to his woes, customers have been spending less. PHRASES woe betide someone (or woe to someone) used humorously to warn someone that they will be in trouble if they do a specified thing: woe betide anyone wearing the wrong color! woe is me! an ironic or humorous exclamation of sorrow or distress

    Gumbo is one of us who got bored and decided to pretend (additional?) stupidity. Not sure which one. 

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    24 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

    It's "whoa" BTW. I normally wouldn't be sensitive to such inconsequential things but this board seems really touchy when it come to grammar.  Just a friendly warning  or the grammar hall monitors might make you kneel in rice as penance. 

    LSU grad

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    25 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

    It's "whoa" BTW. I normally wouldn't be sensitive to such inconsequential things but this board seems really touchy when it come to grammar.  Just a friendly warning  or the grammar hall monitors might make you kneel in rice as penance. 

    9v68YaU.gif

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    33 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

    It's "whoa" BTW. I normally wouldn't be sensitive to such inconsequential things but this board seems really touchy when it come to grammar.  Just a friendly warning  or the grammar hall monitors might make you kneel in rice as penance. 

    Like I said, you can't spell "half-literate" without L.S.U. Or as GumboPot would say, "halve-literate."

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    All you did was throw out whatever half-witted insults you could think of without offering up any actual analysis on either team or the game. I applaud for attempting a troll job, but at the end of the day it was just that - an attempt. 

    • Fuck You 13
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    57 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

    It's "whoa" BTW. I normally wouldn't be sensitive to such inconsequential things but this board seems really touchy when it come to grammar.  Just a friendly warning  or the grammar hall monitors might make you kneel in rice as penance. 

    Holy shit baw, you stupid

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    1 minute ago, LSUADAM said:

    All you did was throw out whatever half-witted insults you could think of without offering up any actual analysis on either team or the game. I applaud for attempting a troll job, but at the end of the day it was just that - an attempt. 

    OMFG.

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    3 minutes ago, LSUADAM said:

    All you did was throw out whatever half-witted insults you could think of without offering up any actual analysis on either team or the game. I applaud for attempting a troll job, but at the end of the day it was just that - an attempt. 

    What about at the beginning of the day?

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    3 minutes ago, LSUADAM said:

    All you did was throw out whatever half-witted insults you could think of without offering up any actual analysis on either team or the game. I applaud for attempting a troll job, but at the end of the day it was just that - an attempt. 

    Who are you talking to fucko?

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    5 minutes ago, LSUADAM said:

    All you did was throw out whatever half-witted insults you could think of without offering up any actual analysis on either team or the game. I applaud for attempting a troll job, but at the end of the day it was just that - an attempt. 

    you dont understand the sopranos GIF

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    5 minutes ago, LSUADAM said:

    All you did was throw out whatever half-witted insults you could think of without offering up any actual analysis on either team or the game. I applaud for attempting a troll job, but at the end of the day it was just that - an attempt. 

    It might be time to move over and let LSUEVE drive for a while.

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    1 hour ago, GumboPot said:

    It's "whoa" BTW. I normally wouldn't be sensitive to such inconsequential things but this board seems really touchy when it come to grammar.  Just a friendly warning  or the grammar hall monitors might make you kneel in rice as penance. 

    This can’t be real.

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    7 minutes ago, LSUADAM said:

    All you did was throw out whatever half-witted insults you could think of without offering up any actual analysis on either team or the game. I applaud for attempting a troll job, but at the end of the day it was just that - an attempt. 

    I don’t think you understand the point of this post.

    (He repeated to yet another LSU fan.)

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