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A farmer carrying a sheep walks into the kitchen where his wife is cooking.

 

farmer “this is the pig I’m fucking”

 

mrs farmer turns around and says “that’s a sheep you idiot”

 

farmer “I was talking to the sheep”

Edited by AM Wood

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6 hours ago, ernest_t_bass said:

What does an 80 year old pirate say?

Eye Maytee

What does 80 yr old pussy taste like?

 

 

Depends

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Q:  What do Germans make when they get hold of string?

A:  A bunch of knotsies.

 

Q:  What is a lesbian's favorite construction method?

A:  Tongue and groove.

 

Q:  What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

A:  Hey we really do taste like chicken!

 

Q:  What's brown and sits on a piano bench?

A:  Beethoven's Last Movement

 

Q:  Who wrote the book How to Catch Butterflies?

A:  Annette Andajar

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Q:  When planning a funeral, how many chairs do you need for the pallbearers?

A:  You need seven.  Six for each pallbearer, and one for Rigamortis to sit in.

 

 

Edited by Stella Link

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A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral.

A man leans over and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead," she replies.

He stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora," and sits back down.

"Thanks," she says.  "That means a lot."

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Guy checking into hotel room:

 

guy “is the porn in my room disabled?”

 

clerk “no, it’s regular porn you sick bastard.”

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2 minutes ago, ernest_t_bass said:

What's worse than crabs on your organ?

The Holocaust. 

I actually LOL'd 

Now I feel bad about myself.

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Guy goes to the doctor.   Doctor says, "I need a urine sample, a semen sample, and a fecal sample.   Guy says, "I'm in kind of a hurry.  Can I just leave my underwear?"

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My 72 yr old mom just emailed me this one:

group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?
"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says ... Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".
She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

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An aggy and a longhorn grad are visiting Alaska and stop in a bar to get a drink. This loudmouth Alaskan asks them where they are from, and he says "We Alaskans are the only real men. We can drink a fifth of whiskey, wrestle a bear, and have sex with a woman in under an hour". Aggy calls bullshit, so the Alaskan downs a fifth of jack, grabs a girl at the end of the bar and takes her out back and nails her, then they hear howling out in the woods as he wrestles a grizzly.

He walks back in and said "I told ya so". The UT grad says he can do that, so he does the same things and with just a minute to spare, he limps in the bar after completing the 3 tasks, but needs an ambulance.

aggy says "give me a bottle of jack"! and he downs it quickly. There are no girls in the bar, so he heads out into the woods. Again, they hear alot of crying and screaming, and then he walks into bar, bloody and limping.

He says, "Ok, I have 20 minutes left. Where is this woman you want me to wrestle?"

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……
 
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
 
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
 
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
 
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
 
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
 
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!  There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
 
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
 
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
 
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

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On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2018 at 9:35 PM, orangeut said:

Guy goes to the doctor.   Doctor says, "I need a urine sample, a semen sample, and a fecal sample.   Guy says, "I'm in kind of a hurry.  Can I just leave my underwear?"

I like the aggy version better.

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An aggy is broken down on the side of the road, after a few minutes a trucker stops to help him out. The trucker looks at the aggys truck and can't quite figure out what is wrong. The trucker say "jump in to my truck I will give you a ride to the next town."

Once in the truck a chimp appears from out of the sleeping quarters. The aggy tells the Trucker "cool chimp" the Trucker says "hey there aggy wanna see something cool?"

"Sure says the aggy"

The trucker reaches his hand back and knocks the shit out of the chimp. The chimp pulls down the truckers pants and gives him head till he cums and says " ain't that cool, aggy?"

The aggy says "hells yes that's cool"

The trucker replies "you wanna try?"

The aggy says "I sure do but you don't have to hit me as hard"1e78bc2551008f12145b0ccc6fb26095.gif

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Guy checking into hotel room:
 
guy “is the porn in my room disabled?”
 
clerk “no, it’s regular porn you sick bastard.”


I lol’d.

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