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Scheiss Meister

Certifiably Surly
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Everything posted by Scheiss Meister

  1. I don't think that cure would be any better than the crabs. In fact, I'm positive that it would be worse. Crabs may itch, but a sea cucumber digesting one's crotch seems like it would feel much worse.
  2. When I was 12 or 13 the barber I went to got a big tittied redhead to come and cut hair with him in his shop. Her tit massages on the shoulders while she cut hair brought in a huge increase in business. For a young Scheiss, it was a novel and exciting experience. Alas, the barber's wife found out about the new partner and forced him to let her go. Since that time, I have never really liked getting my hair cut. During Covid I started cutting my own hair. About a year ago I was checking the top and back with a mirror when I saw what looked like a small tick. I got my wife to look at it, and it wasn't a tick. A couple of doctor visits later I had a scar on my head instead of the small stage 0 melanoma. Make sure that you ask your barber, hairdresser, or whatever you call your hair professional to help keep an eye on your scalp.
  3. Are all of those private jets headed back to Russia, and Lukachenko back to Belarus? If not, this isn't finished.
  4. "Little bastard shot me in the ass!" Yep, to hell I go.
  5. I'm looking forward to seeing what the orange one has to say about this. I'm sure that Putin will send him some instructions soon. It's also going to be interesting to see what the MTG/Boobert/other nut job wing puts out. Like was said above, there's got to be a lot of concern about paychecks, I mean campaign contributions, in the Republican party right now.
  6. Even if Putin could pull forces from the front lines in Ukraine, Wagner is already far closer to Moscow, and probably controls the best route or routes to get ahead of them. They might try to hit Wagner from the rear, but they have to catch up, first. And then there are the holes/weak points left for Ukraine to exploit. Hard time to be Russian MOD right now.
  7. Probably Uri and Ivan, but not by much.
  8. That's Uri and Ivan all over. All over the grass, the bushes, the road...
  9. Mine sound like a .22 round went off in each. It usually is painless, but every once in a while one will kind of hang up, then pop and feel like a .22 round actually did go off in it.
  10. Southern Comfort, 1981, Christmastime. I tried to fight a hill, then threw up things that I ate when I was 6. I was told by a friend on the scene that if I felt something round and fuzzy coming up my throat that it would be my asshole, and I would want to swallow that and keep it. I had to swallow it twice. That's the most that I have puked in my life. Fuck Southern Comfort.
  11. I thought that the Gill Man from Creature From The Black Lagoon and Bigfoot were going to be continuing problems in my life.
  12. I agree with you now, but he's right about how much it has degraded in the last year or so. I see it at our HEB. Last time we got curbside we got one whole pork loin, not the two tenderloins we ordered, along with two or three random things we didn't order, and missing a couple of things we did order. I'm going in from now on. I'll also add that HEB needs to teach their baggers how to bag groceries. We use reusable bags, including a couple of insulated ones. I have to tell the baggers to put the cold items in the insulated bags. If I don't, they'll put canned goods and boxes in the insulated bags and milk and ice cream in regular bags. And more than once I have pulled bars of soap or raw meat out of a bag with veggies. I have to be "that asshole" and tell them how to bag everything or I'll get food poisoning, or get home with totally melted ice cream. Infuriating.
  13. That puff from the exhaust at the end is the spirit of the car saying, "That's it. Fuck this shit."
  14. Oh God, this. I haven't had many, but a couple have been spectacular.
  15. An aggy acquaintance once tried to tell me that aggy was a superior rival for Texas for several moronic reasons. I asked him if he understood the difference between aggy and Okie to Texas fans, and he asked what it was. I told him that aggy is a fart and Okie is a turd. Both stink and are unwanted, but Okie has substance, can occasionally be made to be useful, and belongs in a bowl. He failed to see the humor and truth of the analogy.
  16. The other bad thing about waterborne diseases is that they do not recognize uniforms. If the orc army is getting cholera, so is everyone else in that area. It also threatens Ukrainian forces when they move into the area and start using those water supplies. Bioweapons are terrifying and rarely used for that reason. ETA Damn, too slow.
  17. She looks like the Creature From The Black Lagoon in drag.
  18. Next level evil: hotdog, wrapped in Brussel Sprouts dipped in white chocolate with a second dark chocolate coating and you have no idea what horror is coming. Vienna sausage instead of the hot dog, and a layer of horseradish between the Vienna sausage and brussel sprouts. That is true evil. I also like my youngest brother's shtick of waiting until everyone at a family get together is nearly finished with cupcakes or chocolates, then asking who got the one with the toenail.
  19. I guess that I missed where Jesus told his followers to arm themselves and fight the Romans to save Him and get into heaven. Oh, wait. It says here that he gave instructions to do the exact opposite. Hmmm. I do have to admit that it first made me think of the Crack Suicide Squad from The Life of Brian.
  20. No, Navasota, Texas. Too damn close to aggy, but it's home. I was raised by a mother and grandmother who were avid gardeners and canners. They taught me how to identify, pick, and jelly wild dewberries, black berries, crabapples, and mustang grapes. Store bought jelly can't come close to tasting as good as homemade, and I know everything that's in it. Mama and Grandma would understand my chagrin with an unsealed jar. Grandma would pick on me about it for years. Sadly, both passed long ago. I'd give a nut to put up some jelly or can some green beans with either of them again.
  21. 200 Merkava will definitely have an impact on the battlefield.
  22. When one of the jars of jelly you just canned doesn't seal like it should. I had a streak of over 120 jars of jelly, relish, jalapeño slices, and veggies without a failure to seal going, over several years. Time to start a new streak, I guess.
  23. My wife and I went wade fishing at Port O'Connor several years ago. We got up early to get some shrimp, which I put in a flow-through bait bucket tied to my waist. We hit the water right at first light and started shuffling out. We were just knee deep when my wife stopped short and asked me a question. I stopped, too, and that bait bucket coasted up and bumped me on the back of my right leg, just below the knee. I thought that a shark had bumped me. I'm a manly, tough Marine, so of course I handled it with aplomb: I screamed like a little bitch and started running for the shore. My wife gave me hell for scaring the shit out of her. I am so glad that there was no one else around to see it, and that there were no stingrays in my path. After I got my shit together we went back out. We caught a couple of keeper specks each, I caught a good sized flounder, and my wife caught an angelfish and a pair of needle nose pliers. It was a pretty good wade.
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