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Just stumbled across this.  So much to unpack here:

1.  Sorry for what's going on with your son.  It sucks and most everyone here has been impacted by addiction.

2.  I'd say your wife needs to get a job but there seems to be resistance from even you on that so you're going to do what you're going to do.  I just can't imagine being your wife, being $90K in CC debt and not working.  I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I were her.

3.  Most importantly, you need to declare bankruptcy if you want any semblance of a retirement.  You're going to spend well over $100K paying this off.  If you do that, you're missing the appreciation of any investments.  Assuming you're about 50, that's 10-15 years of appreciation and that could easily be $150K to $200K at the end of it, on top of what you have saved now.  Sure, your credit will take a hit but that doesn't really matter if you don't plan on borrowing in the next 5-7 years. You already have a house and you can get a car with bad credit.  No CC's, though, and that's fine.  Don't be a lifelong slave to a credit score.

4.  For the love of god, don't borrow against your 401k.  Again, you're losing out on the appreciation and it hurts your retirement.  

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12 hours ago, Bevo&Pevo said:

Only Fans?  No real technical skills needed.

"Uh, yeah, so Trixie, honey.  You know I've been busting my ass to provide, but yet we've got all this goddamn credit card debt.  The family needs you to start contributing financially, so what I've been thinking is you can show your tits and snapper on the internet for money.  In a totally tasteful way, of course.  See, this way we can get paid unlike all those pics on r/MILF you post.  Pure profit, honey!  Sweetie???"

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Yeah, why can't he get a 0% interest credit card and transfer the debt from some of the high interest cards? If the credit score is decent, they will likely let you have one.  I used to do that when I needed to buy something big. I kept moving the debt to a zero interest card offer. That was back in the 90s so maybe things have changed. But credit card companies don't care where they get their money from, just as long as they get it. 

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OP - how about an update, there are lots of recommendations here, some better than others. 

I didn't read them all, but I have a question - how much are you contributing to your 401k, can you reduce it (temporarily) to only getting the maximum match amount (always max out the max - nothing beats "free" money). Pay down the debt, then take the payments (plus what you were in debt) and increase you 401k contribution to the max allowed. 
Also, if you can qualify for a 0% balance transfer to another card, I would do that at the same time - it will cost you about 4% of the transfer balance, which isn't great but beats paying almost 30% interest.
But you have to find a solution that works for you, that you can manage financially, emotionally, and with support and agreement with your spouse.

I think there is value in Dave Ramsey, and the living a less expensive life and being debt free; but if you are reasonably good at maintaining your finance why not keep cheap debt and let your money earn for you. Right now I have 3 outstanding debts, home loan 3.75%, car loan 4.15% and a nominal balance on a 0% CC - I could pay them all off from my emergency cash account but that is earning 5.2%, so why lose money on the paying off cheap debt. This debt will all be paid off before I retire, and it isn't affecting my life style. 
Good luck with your journey Poko

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On 2/7/2024 at 7:22 PM, burntorangebongos said:

Yeah, why can't he get a 0% interest credit card and transfer the debt from some of the high interest cards? If the credit score is decent, they will likely let you have one.  I used to do that when I needed to buy something big. I kept moving the debt to a zero interest card offer. That was back in the 90s so maybe things have changed. But credit card companies don't care where they get their money from, just as long as they get it. 

How about just stop paying on the CC altogether?  He's going to pay well over $125K paying this $90K off and at the end of the day, it's not like he's getting a plaque or something for having a good credit score and he'd be better off putting that +$100K towards retirement.

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32 minutes ago, Aqua Buddha said:

How about just stop paying on the CC altogether?  He's going to pay well over $125K paying this $90K off and at the end of the day, it's not like he's getting a plaque or something for having a good credit score and he'd be better off putting that +$100K towards retirement.

I understand that idea but failing to pay back debt feels like its compounding one problem perhaps into a bigger problem.

Maybe others disagree but there is something about owning your responsibilities. Or at least attempting to do so. I watched my parents go into bankruptcy to avoid debt, and then I watched them borrow from a family member. Guess how much that family member got paid back? $0. I lost respect for my parents 30 years ago that has never returned. 

I get that the bank is faceless and amoral but I think there is something about not stealing. Call me crazy.

Edited by Nice Guy Eddie
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1 hour ago, Nice Guy Eddie said:

I understand that idea but failing to pay back debt feels like its compounding one problem perhaps into a bigger problem.

Maybe others disagree but there is something about owning your responsibilities. Or at least attempting to do so. I watched my parents go into bankruptcy to avoid debt, and then I watched them borrow from a family member. Guess how much that family member got paid back? $0. I lost respect for my parents 30 years ago that has never returned. 

I get that the bank is faceless and amoral but I think there is something about not stealing. Call me crazy.

While I generally agree with that, the personal bankruptcy laws were written for cases like this to begin with.  Most all of the other bills are up to date except for this one large medical expense.  You're generally right, though, that a lot of people that declare bankruptcy later end up in the same problems years later for the same reasons that got them in trouble to begin with.  His primary house and retirement accounts are protected and those vital to his retirement.  

Assuming he's around 50, he needs to start putting away much more into retirement, especially considering the wife can't/won't work.  (Still don't understand this but that's not going to change here.)  If he has any hope of a decent retirement, he needs to let the debt go and save as much as he can.

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7 minutes ago, Aqua Buddha said:

While I generally agree with that, the personal bankruptcy laws were written for cases like this to begin with.  Most all of the other bills are up to date except for this one large medical expense.  You're generally right, though, that a lot of people that declare bankruptcy later end up in the same problems years later for the same reasons that got them in trouble to begin with.  His primary house and retirement accounts are protected and those vital to his retirement.  

Assuming he's around 50, he needs to start putting away much more into retirement, especially considering the wife can't/won't work.  (Still don't understand this but that's not going to change here.)  If he has any hope of a decent retirement, he needs to let the debt go and save as much as he can.

and to be clear, I don't equate personal bankruptcy with stealing or being a bad person. People make mistakes or have unfortunate situations. Problems can happen to anyone. Bankruptcy can be a necessary process for people to move on with their lives, hopefully in the right direction.

I find that deciding to not pay debts is an extreme position. If me, I would look for the best interest option and start working to knock it out. I agree that paying off 90K (and growing) debt would be painful. I might start driving for uber on the weekend, or look for a higher paying job.

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On 1/24/2024 at 1:25 PM, luke duke said:


Your wife needs to earn more money. She’s supposed to be your partner. Unless she has tattoos on her face, she should be able to find an office job that pays $30-50K/yr.

Especially if all your kids are in college or older.  No need to be sitting around eating bon bons.  

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8 minutes ago, Pokoloco said:

I'm 55, as of today have $501,210.85 in my 401K, we got a home equity loan through the credit union at 7.99% to consolidate the CC debt. Monthly payments dropped by @ $2000/ mo.  We still have 150K equity in the house. I think we'll be ok going forward, My son will be in prison for a bit, no need to spend money on lawyers or rehab for the foreseeable future. 

Thanks again to everyone for the input.

Awesome news! 

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On 2/13/2024 at 2:56 PM, Pokoloco said:

I'm 55, as of today have $501,210.85 in my 401K, we got a home equity loan through the credit union at 7.99% to consolidate the CC debt. Monthly payments dropped by @ $2000/ mo.  We still have 150K equity in the house. I think we'll be ok going forward, My son will be in prison for a bit, no need to spend money on lawyers or rehab for the foreseeable future. 

Thanks again to everyone for the input.

Thank you for having the courage to post this thread. I’ve learned a few things so far, and maybe someone else will too. 

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On 2/13/2024 at 11:29 AM, Nice Guy Eddie said:

I understand that idea but failing to pay back debt feels like its compounding one problem perhaps into a bigger problem.

Maybe others disagree but there is something about owning your responsibilities. Or at least attempting to do so. I watched my parents go into bankruptcy to avoid debt, and then I watched them borrow from a family member. Guess how much that family member got paid back? $0. I lost respect for my parents 30 years ago that has never returned. 

I get that the bank is faceless and amoral but I think there is something about not stealing. Call me crazy.

Yep.  My dad has alienated every single long term friend he's ever had because he borrowed money from them and never repaid it. Not only do I not respect him, his only 'friends' are guys he talks to at the sports bar he frequents (and that he can't afford).  My siblings and I pay 75% of his rent and all he has is his SS check. It's disgusting and sad.

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