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  • Why Texas Stomps a Mudhole In LSU's Ass


    closetojumping

     

    One of the great things about being a Texas fan is that the football team plays at least 10 P5 teams each year. I heard some SEC honk on XM 84 mention recently that Georgia is really showing the world who’s the balls by playing an amazing 10 P5 games this year.

    “Wow. I’m sexually aroused, Commander.”

    You know who else plays 10 P5 games this year? Every fucking Pac 12, Big 10, and Big 12 team in existence, you myopic fuck. These fucking clowns have gone so deep into their own fart-huffing that they forgot that the sport is actually played beyond the range of their backwater region.

    Anyway, part of what’s great about how Texas plays its 10 P5 games is that the 10th game is damned near always against a worthy opponent with a well-known brand. This year is no different, as the horns don their gear this Saturday to face a powerful foe in the LSU Tigers. It should be a great match-up and fun Saturday night. And by that, I mean I expect Texas to stomp a deep and dirty mudhole painfully into the ass of these Cajun hillbillies and send them packing back to the swampy nether regions faster than you can spot corruption in their state government.

    “But closetojumping, LSU’s student athletes are among the elite in college sports!”

    First of all, let’s be clear about something, I don’t think LSU is even an accredited university. The trolls showing up to this site, and anyone who’s ever read TigerDroppings can also attest, simply reflect the concept that LSU isn’t an actual school, therefore these are not “Student” Athletes that UT is playing. Look at the facts:

    -LSU has an application acceptance rate of 74%. The literacy rate for the state of Louisiana most recently posted at 69% according to the Department of Education. Basic math says this is an open-enrollment school creating vocational opportunities for the literate and semi-literate in its home state. They’re effectively taking anyone from Louisiana that can sign their name on the application.

    -The admission standards and average SAT scores accepted into LSU are lower than the NCAA eligibility requirements for true freshmen student athletes entering into its FBS schools. A state of Texas GED is an acceptable posting of the documents required for acceptance into LSU.

    Given this data, it’s reasonable to assess that LSU’s football team is in effect a local team of mercenaries that do not face the same academic and educational responsibilities that any of their opponents besides Ole Miss, Auburn, and Mississippi State will face. So they’re not to be called student-athletes, and they’re able to show up competing with that advantage against Texas. I still like where we sit against them and their fans, both in this game and in life.

    “closetojumping, you seem awfully bullish about Texas facing a team with a new offensive juggernaut of an offense that dismantled a mighty 10 win team last weekend.”

    I keep hearing a couple of refrains from LSU visitors, the media talking heads, and the coelenterates cloaked in UT gear that surface themselves on the boards and at the proverbial water cooler. The mighty new offense is one of the bigger talking points as to why Texas shouldn’t even bother showing up this weekend.

    So LSU hired a guy that’s never actually been a coordinator of any sort and shoved him into the pedestrian Ensminger’s thinking, and asked those two to have a football baby. And we’re supposed to be concerned, especially after watching LSU publicly buttfuck the wizards of GA Southern. “Hey, GAS won 10 games last year, they’re strong.” Right. Their best win last year was against Appalachian State. They were blown out by ULM. So, no, pummeling a shithole team from the Sun Belt doesn’t do anything for me. I realize, given LSU’s troubles with the Sun Belt, this is a step up, like going from using an outhouse to having indoor plumbing.

    A wise philosopher once said that everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face. Installing a new offense with a nonbelieving head coach that panics when he sees his offenses actively using motion faces more peril than what a cupcake can present. When Texas sends LSU back to the sidelines after a couple of 3 and outs, let’s see how much resolve Brady and Ensminger have when Baron von Edward Beauregard Orgeron is heaving red bull and dirty rice flavored, spittle-loaded invective in their direction and regressing the offense back to 3 yards and a cloud of dust. Orgeron’s loomed like a gargoyle over the offensive strategy of his staff in every season of every stop he’s made as a head coach. It’s difficult to fathom that he’s shaken that monkey in one offseason because an analyst from the Saints was hired.

    The oldest running joke in college football is that LSU has opened up its offense. That punchline will be toasted again in the late hours of Saturday night.

    “CTJ, these LSU boys got that swagger though!!! They Sposed to be SEC!!!”

    A team hasn’t talked this much shit about an opponent since Miami prepared to face Penn State in the 1987 Fiesta Bowl. The media has certainly bathed LSU in Sazerac-flavored glory as the LSU idiots have fed them sound byte after sound byte.

    K’Lavon Chaisson and his 3 career sacks has pulled up in his shit smelling clown car and spouted off at the mouth to anyone who will listen. This guy must still be pissed that Tom Herman took up residence in his home for 8 hours and subjected him to bingewatching Friends.

    One of the linebackers has announced that they’re going to run over Sam Cosmi in 10 different ways. I can’t remember which one said it, and while my understanding is that their LB corps is apparently on par with 70’s Steelers, I don’t see a single fucking one that can sniff Devin White’s jock, and he’s long gone.

    Their entire DB unit has collectively rubbed its sandy vagina and moaned that Texas, a program that has put more than 60 DBs into the league, has the temerity to continue to claim a moniker that UT’s been using for 3 decades. The LSU DBs are hurt because history apparently started with Patrick Peterson and the fucking Honey Badger. Right. Sorry, LSU, we forgot you were there.

    All of the shit talking and chest beating is the same false bravado we witnessed in our last 2 endeavors against overrated SEC teams. They’re fucking great because they say they are. It’s got all the markings of a situation in which a team shows up, throws their helmets out on the field, and says “okay, we’re here, give us the W”. As Texas fans, we know it all too well, having seen that bullshit start with overhype at the turn of the decade and the UT teams of that period playing right into it.

    Herman lives for this kind of game and situation, and his team feeds off of it as well. Underdogs at home? Getting shittalked by clowns who’ve never shared the field with Texas? Big national audience? All those boxes are checked and the history of those circumstances tells us that Texas will be ready.

    Beyond the mental prep, or lack thereof, depending upon the side, there’s also a really simple exercise to think through here. If you had one game to win against a highly touted and talented opponent, which head coach would you want prepping the strategy for your team and hatching the gameplan – Tom Herman or Sir Edgar Beaujolais Orgeron, Esq.? Only LSU fans are dumb enough to claim they’d choose the latter.

    “OH NO closetojumping, you’ve doomed us to our fate!!”

    I mudhole posted about USC last year, if it makes you feel any better. Stop squatting to pee. Texas wins this game with a score closer than the way the game was actually played on the field – 31-24. I expect misdirection, tempo, and a steady diet of fat ass LSU defenders sucking wind. The Texas defense will sell out to stop the run and force Jesus Joe Burrow to swagger the passing game to a big night while the beached whales masquerading as offensive linemen attempt to fend off multiple blitzes in front of him.

    I look forward to seeing many hot and trashy Cajun females bawling after the game, barely speaking audible English, lamenting the beating their team just took. LSU players, apparently, will be looking forward to heading back to the lockerroom so they can continue to compare notes on how they’re going to rape each other, or whatever the fuck this is:

     

     

    Anyway, Hook'em


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    1 minute ago, formermav43 said:

    I don’t think you understand the point of this post.

    (He repeated to yet another LSU fan.)

    Given the response that I've received, I'm going to have to agree with you.  I clearly do not understand the point of this post. All I saw was a bunch of attempts at witty insults at LSU.  I didn't really find any of them witty or funny at all.  And that's a bit disappointing.  Even though I am an LSU fan, had any of what this dude wrote been clever, I would've had no problem laughing along with it. 

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    12 minutes ago, LSUADAM said:

    Given the response that I've received, I'm going to have to agree with you.  I clearly do not understand the point of this post. All I saw was a bunch of attempts at witty insults at LSU.  I didn't really find any of them witty or funny at all.  And that's a bit disappointing.  Even though I am an LSU fan, had any of what this dude wrote been clever, I would've had no problem laughing along with it. 

    bro u wont understand the jokes... u were literally asking for analysis in this thread

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    It's "whoa" BTW. I normally wouldn't be sensitive to such inconsequential things but this board seems really touchy when it come to grammar.  Just a friendly warning  or the grammar hall monitors might make you kneel in rice as penance. 

    Hahahahahahahahahah holy shit

    Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk

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    22 minutes ago, LSUADAM said:

    Given the response that I've received, I'm going to have to agree with you.  I clearly do not understand the point of this post. All I saw was a bunch of attempts at witty insults at LSU.  I didn't really find any of them witty or funny at all.  And that's a bit disappointing.  Even though I am an LSU fan, had any of what this dude wrote been clever, I would've had no problem laughing along with it. 

    We...don’t care. 

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    So just to summarize the last couple weeks, the LSU/Aggy posters are unfunny, immature, childish, stupid, fixated on homoerotic topics, unoriginal, poor shit-talkers, delusional about their idiot coach and team, have never actually watched competent offenses play, and really fixated on homoerotic topics.

    Did I miss anything? 

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    5 minutes ago, totallynotabuttpirate said:

    So just to summarize the last couple weeks, the LSU/Aggy posters are unfunny, immature, childish, stupid, fixated on homoerotic topics, unoriginal, poor shit-talkers, delusional about their idiot coach and team, have never actually watched competent offenses play, and really fixated on homoerotic topics.

    Did I miss anything? 

    They smell like corn dogs. 

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    8 hours ago, Orange&White said:

    The last five games LSU has played:

     

    A 7 pt win over Arkansas

    A win over Rice

    A loss to a&m

    An 8 point win over UCF

    A win over Georgia Southerm.

     

     

     

    Color me impressed. Now I see that #6 ranking is too low...

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    3 hours ago, Texassucksdick said:

    You guys are worst then A&M, an that’s saying a lot! I’ll be back after the game to to see how y’all doing. Should be a fantastic melt. 

    Btw. LSU 38-13. 

    SECSECSEC!! 

    You lost to fucking aggy, that's saying a lot!   

    Dont stand up to fast grabbing another naturday, all the sand might fall out of your vagina at once.  

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    7 hours ago, Patricio Swayze said:


    This isn’t the thread for it Boudreaux, you jackass.

    Go see one of the other 2-3 threads discussing the match up.

    This is the thread about how we are going in dry on your football team and making your mom watch the whole damn thing.

    Then it's mom's turn.... again...again... and again.

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    59 minutes ago, LSUADAM said:

    Given the response that I've received, I'm going to have to agree with you.  I clearly do not understand the point of this post. All I saw was a bunch of attempts at witty insults at LSU.  I didn't really find any of them witty or funny at all.  And that's a bit disappointing.  Even though I am an LSU fan, had any of what this dude wrote been clever, I would've had no problem laughing along with it. 

     Nobody gives a fuck.

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    After suffering through this thread to this point it has occurred to me that it may be a candidate for classics. In my recollection, (other than aggy, who we all have been accustomed to for eons) I have never seen a thread sum up the the glaring differences between two college fan bases from an intellectual standpoint. This is a Darwinian Exhibit A as to one university environment culture (Texas) evolving at a much faster pace than the other (LSU). This thread could be used to accompany a cultural anthropology grant request for extensive study. 

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    2 hours ago, GumboPot said:

    It's "whoa" BTW. I normally wouldn't be sensitive to such inconsequential things but this board seems really touchy when it come to grammar.  Just a friendly warning  or the grammar hall monitors might make you kneel in rice as penance. 

    keanu reeves wow GIF

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    3 hours ago, GumboPot said:

    It's "whoa" BTW. I normally wouldn't be sensitive to such inconsequential things but this board seems really touchy when it come to grammar.  Just a friendly warning  or the grammar hall monitors might make you kneel in rice as penance. 

    y'all were just had by a pretty obvious troll

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    All you did was throw out whatever half-witted insults you could think of without offering up any actual analysis on either team or the game. I applaud for attempting a troll job, but at the end of the day it was just that - an attempt. 


    But why male models?
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    Advantages Texas has over LSU:

    Scoreboard

    Series Scoreboard

    Better city

    Better academics

    Richer alumni base

    Alumni can read

    Homo sapiens head coach

    OL that can run block

    Has run its offense against a P5 school at least once

    Players aren’t on twitter, posting things that suggest they’re mentally unready

    LSU hasn’t looked good in recent road games

    Playing in DKR

    Advantages for LSU:

    Beignets

    Gumbo

    .01 better average recruit ranking

    DC may have exhausted our HC’s ways of beating him

    Strong opinions of its own fans

    aggy support

     

     

     

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    1 minute ago, Sock Drawer said:

    "the diploma’s are worth the same in the business world, which is all that matters!! 

    More, apparently, as they come with an extra apostrophe. 

    MBA's, they just mean more. 

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    I'll attempt a Cliff Notes version of why we're going to mudhole LSU:

    1) They're breaking in a spread offense.  They've only been running it for a few months, and only against themselves and one creampuff.  Well, everyone on our defense has been going against spread offenses since they were 14.  This defense was built, in terms of personnel and scheme, specifically to stop spread offenses, and LSU hasn't even attempted their spread against anyone yet.

    2) Orlando is going to confuse the fuck out of Burrows with exotic blitzes and alignments that are not what they appear to be.  The kid's pre-snap reads will frequently be wrong.  Mistakes will be made.

    3) They are way too cocky.  Yes, this matters.  And it's not just their mouths, it's their playcalling.  They will leave their vaunted "DBU" corners in one-on-one coverage frequently.  LA Tech had a kid go for 10 catches, 181 yards, and 2 scores against them last year.  And that kid ain't exactly Collin Johnson.  Their S-E-C and "DBU" hubris is gonna get them hurt.

    4. Sam > Burrows.  I like understatements. 

    There's more, but these are the big ones. 

    Rod Babers made a good point on the radio today: when is the last time a team had the better quarterback, the better head coach, and the home field, and was the underdog anyway?

    We're gonna win this game.

     

    Edited by TexArcher
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    3 hours ago, LSUADAM said:

    Given the response that I've received, I'm going to have to agree with you.  I clearly do not understand the point of this post. All I saw was a bunch of attempts at witty insults at LSU.  I didn't really find any of them witty or funny at all.  And that's a bit disappointing.  Even though I am an LSU fan, had any of what this dude wrote been clever, I would've had no problem laughing along with it. 

    Go fuck yourself.

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    If you think an LSU diploma is worth the same in the business world as a UT degree, I assume you're specifically referencing either the shrimping industry or local Louisiana government. Otherwise, it's hard to believe you're being serious. 

    Hey hey hey!!! Knock that shit off. I’ve met plenty of LSU grads, and they’re sharp cookies. I put the majority of Raising Canes in Houston, and I’ll tell you this; Nobody knows how to drop chicken tenders into a box on a four item menu like those mother fuckers. You can call them what you like, but if I’m ever gonna put on a head-mic, and sling fried chicken tenders, I’m gonna want those guys in my foxhole.
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    1 hour ago, Magus Ossis said:

    Advantages Texas has over LSU:

    Homo sapiens head coach

    I'm crying lmao.

     

    About the aggy, here's their take, absolute sissy status:

    Aggie class of 02 here. We're not winning. We have a chance to beat spread. I want LSU to win by a million.

     

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    All the elements for a fuckstomping are there. LSU ranked higher. Vegas has LSU by a TD. “Pundits” picking LSU. Night game. At DKR-TMS. LSU players running their mouth. Herman has been preparing for this game for a while.

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    I have fucked so many goddamn girls in Louisiana. Many of them married. Can’t imagine what their fat cuck husbands would think. They’re... kinda cute... not smoke... but cute... will do anything you ask though. I mean, anything. Drunk all the time. Mesmerized by Texas guys. Mesmerized by UT actually. Once banged a girl enrolled at LSU in BR that had a poster of the UT campus in her apartment- said it was her dream/goal to go to UT Law. She never made it, but I heard she works for Deloitte in Houston now. All the talent ends up in Texas. 

    In summary: 1. Louisiana women love fucking Texas guys. 2. We kinda like fucking them too. 3. LSU is a shitty school where dumb people “study”. 

    This is the truth. 

    Edited by Gucci_Suit
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    4 minutes ago, Gucci_Suit said:

    I have fucked so many goddamn girls in Louisiana. Many of them married. Can’t imagine what their fat cuck husbads would think. They’re... kinda cute... not smoke... but cute... will do anything you ask though. I mean, anything. Drunk all the time. Mesmerized by Texas guys. Mesmerized by UT actually. Once banged a girl enrolled at LSU in BR that had a poster of the UT campus in her apartment- said it was her dream/goal to go to UT Law. She never made it, but I heard she works for Deloitte in Houston now. All the talent ends up in Texas. 

    In summary: 1. Louisiana women love fucking Texas guys. 2. We kinda like fucking them too. 3. LSU is a shitty school where dumb people “study”. 

    This is the truth. 

    So when you were 18 did you to hang out at the Texas Pelican Club in Vinton, La?  I did, same women and loved Texas men.  Joe Tex and Mr. Clean holla.   

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    I'll attempt a Cliff Notes version of why we're going to mudhole LSU:
    1) They're breaking in a spread offense. 
    2) Orlando is going to confuse the fuck out of Burrows with exotic blitzes
    3) They are way too cocky. 
    4. Sam > Burrows.
    We're gonna win this game.
     

    Good list. Allow me to add on

    5. Texas has made great improvements between game one and two both years under TH. Remember a turnstile TE named Gray? Nah. That’s what happens after adjustments are made. Boyce I’m looking at you.

    6. Our offense has so many weapons now. Pick your poison. Their def has a lot of talent, but you can’t cover everything and 11 is a beast.

    7. Our special teams are starting to make some dynamic things happen.

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    17 minutes ago, Gucci_Suit said:

    I have fucked so many goddamn girls in Louisiana. Many of them married. Can’t imagine what their fat cuck husbands would think. They’re... kinda cute... not smoke... but cute... will do anything you ask though. I mean, anything. Drunk all the time. Mesmerized by Texas guys. Mesmerized by UT actually. Once banged a girl enrolled at LSU in BR that had a poster of the UT campus in her apartment- said it was her dream/goal to go to UT Law. She never made it, but I heard she works for Deloitte in Houston now. All the talent ends up in Texas. 

    In summary: 1. Louisiana women love fucking Texas guys. 2. We kinda like fucking them too. 3. LSU is a shitty school where dumb people “study”. 

    This is the truth. 

     

    7 minutes ago, lemonandaturd said:

    So when you were 18 did you to hang out at the Texas Pelican Club in Vinton, La?  I did, same women and loved Texas men.  Joe Tex and Mr. Clean holla.   

    Always heart-warming to see eskimo brothers reunited.

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