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Early Reviews Are In - What Recruits & Parents Are Saying About Melko's Approach


closetojumping

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I've heard one:
 

-On a call with potential transfer Princely Umanmielen; Elko said, "Hey remember that time we had you at The Pool Party and I set you up for that spike?"  Princely laughed and replied, "Hell yeah! I spiked that ball right into Ritz Bitz face!"  This was then followed by more laughter and then an awkward silence.  

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Coach Elk wore his beautiful suit on a visit to a really good second string player for Old Dominion. Melk got animated talking about how he could have had JImbo's new wife. The Elk struggled to his feet and kept twisting and turning to face the different family members in the room. They fled left and right at each twist the Elk made as though he were waving a loaded gun.

Granny yells, "That button, motherfucker! Either unload it or switch on the safety!"

A long wet fart seemed to relieve some of the tension on the button.

The Elk!

 

Edited by RomaVicta
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Armed with a bag of big macs, Elko was determined to convince this star wide receiver that he was the best head coach for him.

He was a freshman all-american here, he thought to himself, as he took a much needed rest on his 5 yard journey to the front door.

As he was greeted at the door, Elko explained he needed a large water cup. His discipline, from his new age trainer Moffit, required him to eat all his weekly calories in one sitting on Sunday. So, he dipped each big mac in water and swallowed them whole while he laid out his plan to get this soon to be junior WR drafted. Tails of 15 touches a game, NLI payouts from Buccees were all met with excitement. Elko had him right where he wanted him. This former 5*, #1 WR in the nation, recruit was in the bag for your Fighting texas aggies. Whoop!

Secret sauce now staining his shirt. He reached out his greasy, wet paw, "Can we count on you next year, son?"

"Absolutely! Gig 'em or whatever!", the recruiter proclaimed in shock and excitement.

Elko couldn't believe this kid had fell for it. Every program in the country wanted him. "Momma would be proud of me," he thought to himself.

As the story broke of this great triumph on Monday, Elko scrolled through his Nokia phone to read all of the accolades.

Feeling suddenly baffled, he asked an empty coach's room "Who is Javon Harvey?"

 

Edited by pacman
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One recruit on an official visit posted a picture via instagram of a one-of-a-kind Tickle Me Elko doll, resting on the pillow his hotel bed. The doll was holding a Mason jar in one hand and a small bottle of lotion in the another. There was a sticky note attached which read “donations wanted”. Sitting next to the doll was the 2024 Aggie male cheerleader calendar.

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The Elk emerged from his Honda Civic like Ace Ventura from a rhino's vagina.  As he thundered to the curb the car leapt into the air, relieved of its burden.  Sweatily, he lumbered towards the door.  As the doorbell rang, time slowed.  Inside the home a family sat down to Sunday dinner. 

Suddenly a chill ran through the air as tremors from the porch resonated through the home.  "Goddamnit!" exclaimed the father.  "Not this fucker again.  I'll handle it, honey." 

 

As he approached the door he could hear the familiar wheezing, not unlike a beached whale.  It enraged him.  Gathering his anger he opened the door.

"You motherfucker!  I told you the past 17 times.  I AM NOT GOING TO SHARE MY HAM SUPPLIER WITH YOU.  Now go to hell, asshole!"

"Please Geoff, I need it.  The grocer only carries so much ham."

"GET THE FUCK OFF MY PORCH!" 

The door slammed shut.  Geoff went back to his ham dinner.

 

The Elk waddled back to his Honda in defeat.  In every way like a noble stag defeated by a superior specimen, except for the nobility and superiority.  Quite the opposite, in fact.

"Next time, Mike.  Next time I'll get that ham," he thought to himself.

 

The Civic groaned under the weight as it pulled into the night.

 

 

 

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They say Elko got his start, as an assistant under Glanton, at a 2A school out past Van Horn. Glanton’s bus stopped when it saw him, alone, in the middle of nowhere. “What in the hell are you doing?”, Glanton asked. 
 
“Waiting to join your party, and get some scalps,” Elko replied. 
 
They assumed he meant “scalps” allegorically, but they didn’t think that for long. 
 
His coaching career has had more than its fair share of horrific massacres and disasters, some he came out on top of, others he barely survived. None of that changed his disposition- always upbeat, always relishing the pain and fear of football, always liking that rare red meat. 
 
He went through trainers, that’s for certain, and after a while they learned to stop hiring young ones. 
 
One night, after a Duke win over Holy Cross, as his team showered and the others drank and took pills to push their anguish down some, he sat in the middle of the field. The lights were out, and the moon was shining. He made a trainer sit in his lap. “I could eat you up”, he told the boy, a big open grin showing his so sharp teeth. The lad was terrified, his heart racing like a rabbit’s. He was relieved when the orthopedic doctor called out from the sideline, looking for him. The boy squirmed out of the massive grip. As he scurried to safety, he could hear Elko say softly, almost sing, “Football is god”. 

Edited by statsman
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"As he and the other coaches were leaving, we opened the front door and he had these weird guys in overalls standing on our front lawn that started spelling out A-G-G-I-E-S and twirling like little girls before chanting farmers fight, farmers fight.  I might be calling coach Kiffin today to tell him I want to come to Oxford."

"He drank all of my Dad's Lone Star's during dinner and the bald guy with the backwards hat had to carry him out to the car and drive him home."

A recruit called him first thing in the morning to tell him that they wanted to take an OV to College Station and he responded with "Is that you, Tolbert.  This isn't very funny, you know.  I'm hungover, my knees are killing me, and if you're gonna pull this shit, at least you could have said I was the head coach at the University of Texas." 

 

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40 minutes ago, statsman said:

They say Elko got his start, as an assistant under Glanton, at a 2A school out past Van Horn. Glanton’s bus stopped when it saw him, alone, in the middle of nowhere. “What in the hell are you doing?”, Glanton asked. 
 
“Waiting to join your party, and get some scalps,” Elko replied. 
 
They assumed he meant “scalps” allegorically, but they didn’t think that for long. 
 
His coaching career has had more than its fair share of horrific massacres and disasters, some he came out on top of, others he barely survived. None of that changed his disposition- always upbeat, always relishing the pain and fear of football, always liking that rare red meat. 
 
He went through trainers, that’s for certain, and after a while they learned to stop hiring young ones. 
 
One night, after a Duke win over Holy Cross, as his team showered and the others drank and took pills to push their anguish down some, he sat in the middle of the field. The lights were out, and the moon was shining. He made a trainer sit in his lap. “I could eat you up”, he told the boy, a big open grin showing his so sharp teeth. The lad was terrified, his heart racing like a rabbit’s. He was relieved when the orthopedic doctor called out from the sideline, looking for him. The boy squirmed out of the massive grip. As he scurried to safety, he could hear Elko say softly, almost sing, “Football is god”. 

As someone that is currently reading Blood Meridian, I cannot express the shock of recognizing it here.

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