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Shart 2020: Hindsight's a bitch


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Had spicy pad thai for lunch. As I’m in the middle of some work, my guts start bubbling. Thought: i can hold it a few more minutes until i finish this. Then the fart came. Very hot fart. Rushed to bathroom. Drawers clean but barely. Toilet is destroyed and the pad thai is just as spicy coming out.

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On 7/1/2020 at 6:25 AM, Fudbelty said:

I’m still clean. 4yo who recently just started pooping in the toilet, fail. He kept saying his stomach hurt but couldn’t poop. He was playing LEGO’s and let out a juicy toot. He looked up and I could tell something was amiss. Yup, sharted.

He's 4 and just now started shitting in the toilet?

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He's 4 and just now started shitting in the toilet?

He flat out refused. We tried everything. If we didn’t get him a pull up he’d never poop. Finally I told him I’d buy him a new bike if he went two weeks and he’s been good ever since.
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3 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Pooping in the toilet is only half the battle. 

Successfully, effectively, and independently wiping is another hell unto itself. 

 

 

 

 

And it's a challenging phase of potty training, too. 

Here you go. Kids believe anything they see on Youtube.

 

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

The day started off nice...slept in a bit for Labor Day.  The wife (no pics) made pancakes & sausage.  Tried a new Keurig coffee called "Dark Magic" - not realizing it was an omen for what was coming in a few hours.  Made the mistake of brewing it on the "strong" setting.  1/2 a cup of half & half helped me guzzle down what tasted like ground dark roast slurry, and I thoroughly enjoyed my pancakes & sausage, with shitty (pun intended) sugar-free syrup laced with sorbitol (also probably contributing to the next set of events.)  

The next few hours were normal, I fired up the Green Egg to smoke some carnitas & chicken.  That's when the first signs of problems started...the stomach started rumbling, but I was able to withstand those first few knocks on the sphincter.  I was determined to make it long enough to get the egg up to temp, throw on the meat and then hit the bathroom.  A few more rumblings, and then the first signs of real trouble happened.  A bit of juice slipped past the goalie....I gave up on the egg and hustled to the bathroom, where as I pulled down the shorts & boxers, an explosion that surely rocked 1/2 of the neighborhood came out of my ass.   As I gagged for fresh air to breathe, I looked over and saw about 10 squares of TP left, knowing that was not going to nearly be enough for the mess at hand.  The smell reminded me of what I imagine that scene in Shawshank Redemption was like, as Andy crawled through the sewage pipe.  

The rest of the family thankfully was out at the neighborhood pool, so while there were no witnesses there was also nobody to help bring TP.  And my reserve TP was out, the only remaining stash is in our detached garage.  Oye!  I broke all sorts of rules on the amount of wet wipes one should use, but that was the only option.  Great Day!

Edited by FigurelliPwC
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gambled and lost in my chamois right before a mtb ride, yesterday.    I over-hydrate before summer rides.  I was a little early and my buddies were running late, so I found a dead-end road nearby to take a leak.  I already took a dump, before I left the house, so I felt safe.  finished my biz, took two steps toward the truck and it happened.  fortunately, I still had a roll stashed in a ziplok under the seat from way back when I did a lot of solo camping on the beach, so I dropped trou in front of the truck to more-or-less shield myself from civilization and cleaned up with the Dead Sea Scrolls.

major monkey butt when I got home.  was seriously wishing we still had some desitin in the house.

good ride, though.

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I've got a meeting out of the house in a little bit, and I haven't used a public restroom in months.  So I'm nervous because my farts smell like a Burger King that's been closed for awhile, and not just because of Covid-19.  sharting is becoming a worry if I can't get it out before I have to leave homebase.  

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My brother got caught skipping class and leaving school during the wrong lunch hour (our high school was open campus for lunch), and when he was called into the dean's office later on that afternoon, he said that he shit his pants and had to go home to wash up and change clothes. The dean didn't believe him but there wasn't anything he could do to prove my brother was lying, so he just called our parents at work to let them know about the likely truancy and lies. 

Knowing my parents, the first thing my brother did upon getting home that afternoon was to throw his pants and underwear in the dryer. Mom went straight to the laundry room when she got home, thinking that she would get him dead to rights, but alas... 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Cross-posted by request from the Embarrassment thread.  Damn, yesterday was hard.

 

Yesterday I experienced the sum total of 2020 in one two-hour episode.  To be fair, it actually began the night before.  Let me explain.

 

My wife had knee replacement surgery two weeks ago, so Tuesday was her first visit back to the surgeon in Austin.  She got a good report, so we decided to celebrate by going to one of our favorite little diners in Austin.  Keep in mind that we've been trying to eat healthier and have changed our diet.  This will become important later in the story.  We sit down at our table and order.  Service is terrible.  Things are forgotten, things are wrong, tea runs dry, but we get through it.  My fried okra, I thought, was especially good.  Again, this will be important later.

 

We leave the restaurant and go home.  This was her first real trip out of the house, so she's tired and her knee hurts.  This means that she doesn't sleep at all that night, and of course means I don't either.  Great.  It's starting.

 

I wake up yesterday morning with my asthma going crazy.  I can't breathe, I'm coughing my head off, and I have a really nice headache.  I get up anyway to go into my office to go to work, and I notice that something just doesn't feel.....right.  Stomach is gurgling, but I don't think too much of it.  I sit down at my desk and do a couple of emails.  It's at this point that I have to SHIT.  RIGHT.  NOW.  I don't mean in the 30 seconds it's going to take me to get to the bathroom, I mean RIGHT NOW.  I'm concerned and flummoxed, but I decide to chance it anyway.  I stood up from my chair.  Bad move.  Apparently, the pressure from sitting was keeping things in check.  With that pressure removed, it was on.  I loaded up my drawers in spectacular fashion.  This resulted in the cheek-clenching death waddle into the bathroom to clean up while trying not to drip anything on the floor.

 

I get to the bathroom, I'm cleaning up, and it hits again.  I make it to the toilet before it's too late, and once there, out of my ass comes substances and odor that should NEVER come out of a live human.  My eyes were burning.  I could taste it.  I wanted to run.  From the other room, I hear my wife asking "Are you alright?"  No, I am not alright.  I may never be alright again.  I can only think "OKRA!!!!!"

 

I survive that episode and head back to my desk.  An emergency call comes in from a colleague, telling me that the customer we've been working closely with for the past year or so has suddenly changed direction and won't be purchasing the system we've mutually developed.  This is about a $21M hit.  This is not good.  We've been ignoring other customers and opportunities to chase this one, and we were counting on landing it, especially since we had verbal confirmation we were good to go.  The first thought in my head was "we're cooked".

 

I hate it when I'm right.  Not an hour later, my boss calls telling me I'm laid off.

 

So, to recap, in a two hour period, I've managed to:  1)  wake up feeling like crap, 2) shit myself, 3) scared my wife with the things coming out of me, 4) lost a huge deal, and 5) lost my job.

 

Fuck you, 2020.

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34 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Definitely not a shart

While some of the unfortunate details may suggest that this is just a plain old pants-shitting and not a true shart, (i.e., there was no treacherous fart misinterpretation involved) I'm going to give it to him based on the totality of the circumstances. 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
Mudbutt35
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  • 2 weeks later...

Im currently in the shart battle of my life!  I’m close to the end of my hotels 200 yard fishing pier and I decide to walk back a bit.  I’m in thin shorts and flip flops.  I get about ten yards down and it hits, I have no napkins or anything with me.. I start the clinch walk and I’m holding on with all my might.   I’m almost to a pull off with some benches about half way and I get the clinch wink of the anus save. .  The only people on the pier are three guys on the end.  I made it to the halfway bench area and I’m debating my options.   Put my ass between two boards and let it rip or see if it will pass...

Edited by Hook1997
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