Jump to content
CooterBrown

I've seen the ants. They have a good time.

Recommended Posts

Jimmy is cummin'.

I'm cleaning up the exported text and linked images. I will post the entire Ad Hulk thread here when I am done.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

·        01-25-2016, 09:19 PM

CooterBrown

Ad Hawk. It's Latin for Incredible Hulk

This thread is for the philosophical muses and life lessons of Jimmy, my potentially retarded, functional alcoholic employee.

A bit of background, he's a 43 year old, ex-PC tech. When I was hired to build my department, my VP highly encouraged me to hire Jimmy to a full-time role. He'd been an IT contractor at my company for a few years. Being new, I reluctantly agreed. That VP was later fired and escorted from the building. Jimmy remains.

Jimmy drinks at least a 12-pack of Frio Beer a day. If he's not at work, he's drunk. Usually, he's drunk and fishing or hunting. He likes shooting crossbows and recreational welding. He listens Celine Dion and the Insane Clown Posse. He loves Fox News and Info Wars but doesn't really understand any current issues.

·        01-25-2016, 09:20 PM

CooterBrown

Stick that in your ear and use a Q-tip!

Youth and vinegar

John Dravolta

Open up a postal on someone.

Gingervitis

cotostaphic

Fleetwood Fox

Steven Tyler = Michael Mike

Young and sprite.

God put animals here to pleasure us.

Barack Obama = Brock Bahma

Spit it, don't spray it

Judge his actions by his face!

It has everything under the kitchen sink!

It ain't got no major sigmatures.

What is ambionic fluid?

I don't like that pumkinickel bread!

You're pressing buttons that your body can't cash.

Four score and seven years ago our fore fathers set aside a buncha land.

State of the ark television.

Dear mariachi band - play me a song that I don't understand.

"Step into a Slim-Jim!" (Because then you can eat it from the inside out.)

Why is there no plural for "geeses"?

Play me a song, Tamborine Man... or is it carpet man?

laverish

alpha-muneric

uchimon

then the line does a dog hair left. (dog hair = dog leg)

I have a photogenic memory.

Ryan Seacrest is making fist over money!

lomf= piss on myself laughing

starting with this past physical year...

Tina: Jimmy, you can't!
Jimmy: Oh no I can!

Trial by error

escape goat (when someone is in trouble, they ride an escape goat away to freedom)

Maybe I'm just looking at the other side of the apple. (look at the other side of the coin?)

Good job cutting the body of the snake off. Now we just have to find out where the head's at. 

I emailed Glue......uuuh........Elmer. I keep wanting to call him Elmo.

Greg: "Jimmy, what was your mom's name before she was your mother?"
Jimmy: "sister"

Time flies by like it’s standing still

I had to put my gloves on (makes “earmuffs” gesture)

I needed help getting in to the whatchamacallit (the building)

"Mediums (medians) in the road"

My dad went over right during the hype of Vietnam. 

I was just playing it forward. 

The Physical (Fiscal) Cliff

Did you use your scroll mouse?

I used some of my learned new technological "Linguo"

Heeeeeey Guy, how are you doing?

Getting pulled over for a D-Y-E (DUI)

the Jimmy pre-proposal: "tell you what. You get yourself a job, I'll marry you up."

"Dreaded memories"

"That was high times back then" (high tech)

"I bettered it up"

"Nip it in the butt"

"I'd like to buy that whole 'Friends' trilogy on DVD."

"Whole kitten caboodle"

"In the Phillipines, they speak Spanish"
"I was like, are they in Mexico with this big ole alligator?"

Becca- "How many work orders are in that box?"
Jimmy- "20 at least. If not less."

"He was being honoraryed" (honored)

"My face is gonna verify your fist!"

"It's already been vacationed" (verified)

"And that Michael Moore (Oher) plays for the Ravens. He was in that movie Blind Sight"

I been taking Nite quil before I go to bed.

Hold on, he'll be back in three shakes of a raccoon's tail. 

"You don't want your kid to become a slush"

"They found an English king (Richard III) buried under some parking lot. I didn't even know they had parking lots back then."

"He drives a Nissan Maximum"

"That standoff ended between that guy and that child."

"don't think I won't open up a can of postal on someone" 

"Those wings right there will make a vegetarian turn to meat."

"I like those big ole horses. I want to hug one."

"You're going to a lunch-in (luncheon)? Why don't they call it a lunch-out?"

Jimmy - "Now with having this fantasy chair, I am going to have to hold my pinky out when I mouse. I am FANTASY NOW!!;)"
Scott - "You mean fancy?"

"Stavester Stallone"

That's where they filmed True Grits.

He was more of a face figure. (figure head)

I thought the song was "Take me Back to The Ballgame"

"Guatamauler"

Ya know... things you never see: "Last Baptist Church"

Greg - "Jimmy, are you busy?"
Jimmy- "I'm never busy enough for you, Greg."

"I got all kinds of crazy wisdom"

That really tweaks my melon. (alternately, that really chaps my melon)

"I'm gonna go off the limb here"

"They didn't understand the percussions of what they were doing" (repercussions)

"Shashimi... SamEYE... ...Sammy?" "Mooya, Mooeymay" "Shindler" "Shamimi" "Shershrimi" "Mushiwa"

Listen, superchief.

"The de-millerized zone"

"Even his mustache looks like a frown"

"I hope I don't get struck by my own lightning for sayin' this..."

Jimmy - I like the 90's
Becca - I've never heard of them.
Jimmy - They were an error....urrrr....ear-or (era)

Indie...I thought that was going to be Indian music.

Scratching has now involved into dubstep. 

The park is hoppin and skipping and jump away from me 

I've seen the ants. They have a good time.

I'm just a gentle giant

nazi chupaloopa

You know what... one of these days, this right here [motions to self] is gonna be right.

Scott: my friend's baby's middle name is Cole. Can anyone guess who he's named after?
Jimmy: CharCoal?

There's only one China right? If they went against us, that would put some serious giddyup in our hitch. 

Doesn't a leprechaun say "Matey"?

Greggy Greggy Greggy can't you see? Something rather about me. 

Becca! You're going to New York! I'm going to need you to bring something back for me. The Eiffel Tower. 

I can't wait for Jengo (Django) to come out. That's gonna be a good one. 

I saw her in my perferal vision. 

Presidents of the United States "Peaches" cover - Gonna buy a lot of peaches, run them to the factory. It's gonna be so good, when I eat those peaches. I like the peaches from a can. Those are the good ones. 

Jimmy - "Did you see that little toast in the kitchen? It looks like hobbit toast."
Scott - "You mean the Melba toast?"

"Is Raffi for stoners?"

Is that old Quiet Riot song called "Bang Your Head" or "Raise Your Hands"?

That dog is called a Bull Massive.

Who needs a stupid banner? Except Bruce Banner.

I'll eat cold slaw, but I hate Mayonnaise with a passion. 

Meg Ryan is sort of a twinkerbell.

Nissan Almorado (Armada)

*Imaginary phone rings* - Chello? Cholo? No, YOLO.

Aren't you glad that humans don't sniff each other's butts like dogs?

Don't politicize (patronize) me.

She's too pretty for a goobertron like him.

gonna be a baller, shock collar.....chaka khan? Who Sings that Jimmy? "Kid Rap".

You lost me at hello.

"We need the as built so that we can tell where the pipe actually goes. It's like if I had a mosquito bite on my leg. You couldn't find it unless I showed it to you."

Egypt sure did have a lot of Bibulotical plagues. (Later changed to "bibolobical")

Aren't you tired of out to eat food?

refried beans: I don't understand that... can't they just fry them once?

Was that their only hit wonder?

He was playing some serious air guitar and steering wheel guitar. 

"I don't want to have to look through a bunch of babies to find the PDF I need" (Meaning a parent/child data hierarchy)

"Let me show you the ampletheater over here."

"You need to think way in the head" (ahead)

You're just trying to keep up with the Simpsons (Jones').

Actual Rose (Axl Rose)

I would need to put a drastic measure in for situations. 

Scott: Do you want to know where the word "assasin" comes from?
Jimmy: "Assasination."

Yokie from Okie (Okie from Muskogee)

Hey now, I'm an all star...something. 

I can't do that, not with Greg breathing down my throat.

There's one for the Kipper.
One for the Kipper, two for the show.

That's automatically popalated. 

Matthew Mcconaughey has gotten leathier. 

When they wire your jaw shut, are you going to be able to laugh? (laughs with teeth clenched)

our forefathers used to live in the ocean until some of them decided to come out an live on the land 

It would be so cool if monkeys could talk

"What happened to that cleaner guy? Jack Brown Cleaner? .......Mr Clean!"

Jimmy: Who is Bono?
Scott: The singer from U2.
Jimmy: The singer from Youtube?

I'm not just an IT expert, I'm also a customer. (referring to Hair Club for Men commercial)

Kind of like N-Double C-P...........N-C Double A.........NCA........N-A-A-C-P. I just don't like them.

What do they eat in London?......You know what they call a quarter pounder? A Royale with Cheese.......metric system.

Becca, When you're in London, make sure you close your windows at night cause Peter Pan is flying around.

Do they speak English in England? American English? What about in Britain? 

I'm looking for fish and wildlife refugee data. 

"Erroneous.....is that like a wrong? I can't say that while I'm drunk because it'll just come out like rice-a-ronious or something like that."

That's when your MANtality really changes. 

I went dumpster diving again. There were no bricks, but there were fenceplanks and that's what you make those orodomic (adirondack) chairs from.

I'm as hungry as a catfish on a full moon. Now that's hungry, buddy.

I just figured out why Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their baby North and West. Or was it North and South? It's cause his last name is West. 

It was one of those little dogs..........uh.......jo keeta Taco Bell.

Scott - "Isle is short for (gets interrupted)"
Jimmy - Israel. 

Clayton = "Ole C man"

You know what really chaps my melon?

I'll be there in two shakes of a lambs tail.

I need a three letter word with the letters M, G, U, and D.

He was there with some of his gay members? (friends)

Oh man, I'd like to hug me one.(a bear)

Oh, speaking of that (the fact that there are 24 hours a day), I've got a Dr. Appointment today. Now I'm gonna throw up. 

Chaquita Taco Bell.

I got little nougats (nuggets) of info on everything.

I've got a hint of aboriginy. 

Poison cakes. (case and point)

Jimmy - "I'm having one of those....mind....thingies"
Bryan - "A thought?"

Figgo.....faygo....fromo....frio!

His also name is.....Willard. 

Southwest got a new football team cause I moved there. They wanted me to throw out the first football at their game. 

In general, it's better to be a pleasant looking girl than an ugly one.

Peanut M&M's. Mouth to mouth. 1980.

I retort my last statement... retwert? redact? ...redactyl!

I'm as hungry as a frog that just came out of hibernation.

The chairs were all delopsized

Cadillac converter

Jimmy: (holding a socket) this thing's in inches
Scott: what kind is it?
Jimmy: metric

Crouching lion, hiding tiger. Crouching lion, sleeping tiger. Sleeping lion, tiger hiding. 

Anyway, I wasn't being patronistic. I was just using an accent.

The only reason I want the Baltimore Ravens to win is bcuz they have Michael Moore on their team.

Aww sweet, that was like butter to my ears.

Jimmy: Becca, are you going to see the tar pits in L.A.?
Scott: She's not going to L.A.
Jimmy: Whatever, Los Angeles.

"Heary Heary!" (hear ye, hear ye!)

I'm sad that I'm not happy

Is it a electric guitar or a synthetic?

If I was Donna, not Donna Donna, but Donna......

I was dropping in the toilet bowl like nobody's business. People were having to wear earmugs it was so loud. (playing basketball)

It was 12.5 laps, which is 12 and a half laps.

"Is it because he died before resumes were invented?" (Trying to figure out a Jimi Hendrix "Are you Experienced" joke)

Wanna hear something funny that happened to me this morning when I thought I was awake but I wasn't? I was asleep.

Space age, that's technology.

I was just driving and got caught in a funeral session. 

Not everything that comes out of my head is genius

He thought I went over the other way, but he was un-fer-sure about that.

Fred Derks............Derks and Dunn, There's some guy out there named Derks.

J: Paul, how's the add hawk stuff coming?
Scott: It's ad hoc.
J: It's add hawk.
Scott: No, it's ad hoc. It's Latin.
J: It's Latin for Incredible Hulk.

One time me and Dylan were coming down the stairs, coming from upstairs and going down...you know, going downstairs. 

There was a rumor that if you died in a dream, you died in real life, cause your heart would stop. So I had to wake up to see if I was still alive. 

When I become the vegetarian I probably aren't going to bbq as much 

Paulo A Creed? (Apollo Creed)

She's got a can too attitude. If there's one thing I could change about her, it would be nothing.

My eyes need a little closin'.

Sam is learning stuff in health, and....you know......scrotum.

Jimmy - I've learned my lesson.
Scott - And that was?
Jimmy - I don't remember.

It was old time ago.

I thought about a bicycle a couple days ago. Then the thought went away.

J - I coulda swore that Mighty Python (Monty Python) was a wrestler. 
Greg - No, it was a British comedy troupe. 
J - Are they English, or British?

It's not like 30 miles away. More like 20 miles, maybe 30.

Three throws....free throws......those are spooky cause everybody's watching you.

Bryan - I didn't know what to expect when I went to see the first Hunger Games movie because I didn't read the books.
J - You just thought everybody was gonna be hungry?

I heard one of the Kardashians real dad might be Oak J.

It was the 50th anniversary of last week.

Can vampires see in the dark? 

Kim Jong Un = "Choo Come Long Long. Nope. Nope."

J "How cold do you think it is outside?"
S "A little under 50"
J "Really? I thought it would be in the 40's"

Becca "What's a tic?"
Jimmy "Tock"

S: What's in that vapor?
J: PG
S: What's PG?
J: Plutonium grain

"Vampirates"

This Mason Mandella guy... his funeral would be the best time to do a terrorist act.

(When telling a story about working in IT) - "We were excited cause, you know.....computers"

(When telling Mina he could help set up her email alerts) - "Just go ahead and dig in to this nasty mind right here"

I've only done this once before...this is the first time I've ever done this"

And I'm not even trying. Which is unattentional.

That way I can crank up my Selena Dion and ya'll can't hear it. 

The poles are supposed to shift next month or something. 

S- What's the time difference between here and Hawaii?
J- It's Ocean Time there.

S- "That's like me asking you what the best rocket fuel is"
J- "Ethan....L.....Feet.......100% E.Coli"

I want to get (invent) me an umbrella. It'd look goofy til people saw it.

Jimmy: I wonder if they've invented that yet.
Bryan: what? the umbrella?
Jimmy: yeah

J- I'm not from the 70's, man.
S- What year were you born?
J- 1972.
S- That's right in the middle of the 70's!
J- But I didn't listen to any music then.
S- That is a really popular song
J- Not if I haven't heard it

I heard this was Glee's final caesar or something. They've jumped the shark super bad. 

There's two of these, and they have the same name. One is called clean and the other is called dirty. (bar mat shots)

J - Hey, Scott Dog.
S - Yeah?
J - I don't know.

J - Scottrnator, did you ever find your ring?
S - Nope.
J - Where did you leave it?

J - I wrote that because I have that song stuck in my head.
Susan - What song?
J - I don't know

J - Hey Bryan, do you know where Mark is?
B - I think he's in Dallas.
J - Neither do I.

That Message was brought to you by Jimmy in his seat. I was sitting down. 

I might not drink myself into a stupor, but maybe into the pooper. Because I might throw up. 

Sometimes I laugh myself hard. 

If that Mars Rover found some aliens, they could put some guys in that permafrost sleep and send 'em up there. 

H.R. Puffingstuff

Elaine Bengenerous (Ellen Degeneres)

I brought it to his attention which therefore made him think about it. 

That sounds like the song from Brother Where Ow Thou.............Brother, Where's my car. 

I just find chopsticks to be very....majesticle. 

But then I did my detective brain and it turns out that's not true. 

I didn't say she was allergic...I said she has allergies to it. 

Jimmy - "If I was a cop, I'd be a rogue cop"
Scott - "You're a rogue human!"
Jimmy - "I drive a Nissan Rogue"

Tomorrow, it's going to be colder in Austin than it is in Georgetown for the first time since we moved there. It's cause the Norther is coming in from the South.

It's a free flowing river out my mouth. 

J- George H.W. Bush. The H stands for Hogwarts? What's the W? 
S- it's Walker
J- W is for Walker? Like Texas Walker......Walker Texas. 

El Pollo Rico = "El Polian Dynamite"

"Come on, come on, come on, come be a chameleon" - to the tune of Karma Chameleon

Why do they call it sourdough? Is it cause it has sour cream in it?

What do you wanna do? We could play pinochle, but I don't know how to play that.

I'm not here for your funny time amusing

Something or rather

You're gonna put some spice in some lives

Don't be a negative.....Karen (Negative Nancy)

(Security question) - What was your first pet's name?
J- Dog.
-What was your first girlfriends name?
J- I'm gonna put Tina with a lower case t.


(after singing Hakuna Matata wrong) 
Theology.......Biology.......same thing

You know, sometimes I wonder if dogs from different countries can understand each other. 

A burn is pain leaving the body.

Sherri: What's going on, Jimmy?
J: Aww not much, I've got a headache the size of a walnut. 

He's probably got a great look on outlife. 

Scott- "Does anyone want the rest of this Coke? I just poured half of it in my cup." 
Jimmy - "No thanks, I'm all Coked out."

You know I will do it big-big

Question everything. Prove nothing.

I'm mostly human, the rest of me is water

S: Name a country in the United Kingdom
J: Europe.

ET Phone home. There's cake on my finger.

I bought a plaintain once. I thought it was a banana type banana. 

I realized that Han Solo is actually Woody Harolson Ford.

Off like a tree I go

I don't get to talk in complete sentences much.

J - What kind of music do they have there?
S - All kinds
J - Like rock music?
S - Yeah, all kinds of music
J - Like Risky Business music?

It was a new born, meaning it was newly born

I need to get this fixed because I'm so far under water on it, I stopped breathing.

I had a leg full of pissed off squirrel

DOOK-A-DOOK-A-DOOK-A (thinking sounds)

He was recording with one of those goat pro cameras.

Lately, I've been sort of URRRRRRGH.

Man, what if you were at the beach and somebody throws you a sweet ass 40? (talking about a flip flop bottle opener)

ballbaric (barbaric)

His name was Fred, but we called him Bob for short.

Hey Bryan, hither here for a second.

I made your banana stand up. 

Hey, I'm always apologenic. 

Sam has been working out, so he's getting taller

Give me a wordage

Scott: What does the "SS" stand for in Hitler's regime?
Jimmy: "Minnow!"

She must have been on stooms

Becca: "What's North of Crestview?"
Jimmy: "The Pole!"

Would you consider a bird to be an animal?

Bob Seger Mellencamp
John "Seagull" Mellencamp
John "Squirrel" Mellencamp
John "Alligator" Mellencamp
John "Papoose" Mellencamp

Poker dots

You need to talk to my other brother in law who's a realister.

What if someone is just an innocent bystandard?

I don't mean to rain on your bubble.

Don't make any loud moves. 

You go to school to crop pictures? I might wanna do that.

Good thing the clocks on our computers are still working, or else we'd be stuck in time. 

Hey, you know my brother Vicky, right?

Becca: I have icing in my hair.
Jimmy: They should make flavored conditioner.

I need to eat at that Human (Hunan) Lion place one day.

You're pescatarian? Is that a religion?

I saw that new Hobbit movie, the one that just got out.

They had Michael Jackson in hollergrafic. 

What's purple?

It has pananorama, too (talking about his camera)

There's so many things I do here on the spear of the moment!

Why isn't Pluto not a planet not no more?

They used to have Quaker State oatmeal stocked in the cabinets.

I got all doodied up

I put both feet forward

Her name is Amber, an easy way to remember it is Amber Alert

She plays with volleyball

J- "I missed you guys at my house yesterday"
s- "You didn't invite us"
J- "Yeah but I missed you anyways"

Would you consider a bird to be an animal?

Condiment is a fancy word

I got a pouch for waterproofness

S- "You don't know your wifes phone number?"
J- "I know her phone number....it's Tina"

S- "My Gramndma's name is Frances but it's not spelled the normal way"
J- "It's not spelled with an F?"

Jon- "Paul carried them through the training"
J- "He's a carrier."

Finding Emo

S- Jimmy, how was the water in Jamaica?
J- It was cool-ish warm. 

Incredible Huck

"I'm gonna take that peach seed and plant me an apple tree.....wait....that's not right."

J - Maine is on the east coast right?
S - Yes. Seriously?
J - You never know. It could have been the west coast. 
S - No, it couldn't. 

I waste not what I want. (waste not want not)

That's a nice fancy box you got there. You can bury that and it would disintegrate something fierce. 

P- Did the trucks hit each other head to head?
J- No. Ass to Ass. 

Ya know, I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I have some spurs... on my ...tool.

I forgot my headphones at home and thus I can't get these damn voices out of my head. 

Coat McCoy

Rejunification

Why didn't you just try to spedunkle onto the roof?

I was brainwavin'.
I meant brainstormin', but there's no brainwave activity. 
Becca brainwaved me. 

It's almost 3 oclock.......well....40 minutes to 3.....

I wanted to copy them on the email but I didn't want to burden them with stupidness

What if we kept track of it like on a shart. 

"Am I on surround sound?" (meaning speaker phone)

I was being my funniness

If you're gonna do something, you know, you gotta turn that thing upside down

This is where all of the screwups have come from throughout gas times. 

UT got the football handed to them something fierce

How did NFL do this weekend?

J - I was waiting to hear the Monday Night Football song
G - They don't play that anymore
J - Yeah but it still goes through my head

Cincinalli Browns

I do not like the KFC's (Kansas City Chiefs)

Snake Moon Rising (Blake Snake Moan)

There's also a Portland in Canada, in Toronto. There's also a Portland in Oklahoma City. 

KRPCTV in Cincinatti

Proncastinating

Oh yeah buddy, ride it like you own it

Why do I gotta be so good at Concession Stand?

Becca - Jimmy, do you like your Android phone?
Jimmy - I dunno, it's got some corky things about it

If you got e-boli you'd have to be cornantined

J - "I think the crack in my phone is getting bigger"
S - "Your phone is cracked?"
J - "No,I don't think so"

Steve, do they know you at the restaurants you normal frequent at?

J - Speaking of 'In the Still of the Night' I have some chocolate covered peanuts.
B - What does that have to do with that song?
J - I ate some of them last night. 

I said that because of Jerry Springer. You know......"You had me at hello."

Susan - I can't believe you squished that. It was a living thing.
Jimmy - Not no more. 

"Guardians of that Galaxy"

"That Girl....Missing Girl....Girl Gone....Away......Gone Girl!!"

Jimmy - "Oh it's got Ben Afflict in it"
Scott - "It's Ben Affleck"
Jimmy - "Ben Afflac"

"What song did they sing that was a hit wonder?"

Jimmy: "I'll sit there and sip my coffee for somewhere between 8 to 10 minutes."
Bryan: "...you mean 9?"

Ya know, maybe i outta go get my brain checked.

"There was a jumper or a murder on I-35. I was laughing"

J - "I need to vote so I can get me one of them stickers that says I voted"
S - "Or you could just say you voted and forgot the sticker"
J - "What does the sticker say? I voted?"

J - "Tina's been getting ready to get me some jeans for a while"
S - "Why does it take so long to get jeans?"
J - "Well...she went to go look at jeans for me and...."
S - "I regret asking"

J - "His birthday is July 24th, that's close to my birthday"
S - "When is your birthday?"
J - "January 10th"

"John Adams? I know who he is.....Sam Adams"

"U-lease-is S. Grant"

Farmers Armanack

J - "Columbia....that's in Cuba" 
S - "No, it's not"
J - "Well,They start with the same word"

"I just had a brain fart and man it's hurting"

"Columbia....that's in Mexico"

J - "Paul, what time do you get to Boston?"
P - "7:30"
J - "Oh, you must have the layovers"

"Little CiCi's pizza"

J - "That's my team, TT"
S - "Who's TT?"
J - "Texas State"

S - "Jimmy, do you know what Texas Tech's famous saying is?"
J - "Yeah.....computers" (because they are a tech company)

S - "Do you know who sings that song Private Eye?"
J - "JEWEL!" (said with absolute conviction)
S - "No"
J - "Magnum P.I."
S - "It's two people"
J - "Rod Stewart"

"Wayne Chung"

Tres Leches = "Key Chay", "Saloochi" "Whatever, it's a chay type thing"

"Tina wants to go see Chinny Kesney"

J - "I voted for proposition 1"
S - "what's propostion 1?"
J - "I don't know, but proposition reminds me of propellers and I like propellers so I voted for it"

Nobody has written a good review. Like, people that I am trustworthy of. 

I wish I could have a favorite thing.

Humpford Godfreid

"That's my conumbdumb"

"Here's another consundrumb"

"If you got a heart transplant, would you still love the person you were married to?"

"Bodie was barking and I didn't want the neighbors to call the dog police"

Have a good weekend. (It was Monday)

"Everyone has got their U-kill-ee Heels"

I was just eatin that nasty ole banana. It was ok. 

Circle Crusted Crow (Type of Bird)

Tina got me somma them headless (wireless) headphones.

"Walking Phoenix" (Joaquin)

Tina - "Jimmy, what's your two cents?"
Jimmy - "I don't have any cents"

"We bought our TV before time, and it's been a rocking, smoking TV so far"

Appostrapedic beds

"I read that book The Man With the Cheese and the Mouse, it's about 2 men and a small mouse and they move the cheese"

"He gave me some learnin' book about how to surround yourself with people to become people or something"

"Sue-zoo Cross Trek"

"Mitsuszabishi Cross Trek"

"High hill shoes"

I'd give it five thumbs up

"Now I'm down to the meat and potatoes, earlier I was just slurpin' the sauce"

You had to mustard the courage

"Austin doesn't have vultures. Someone did tell me there are monkeys at Town Lake though"

Don't judge a book by its color

"I'm fine, I'm pinchy king" (peachy keen)

Did you guys hear about that Pocks Tony Phil (punxsutawney phil) biting that guy in the face?

Is that a clunk and dagger?

"Deli-est catch"

"Johhny Depth"

"Didn't something just happen wherever?"

"Something happened yesterday where you're from Paul....Arakansas. My cousin's daughter is getting married there"

"Office and a gentleman"

"Pockalyspe Now"

Apple is up there by the Domain. It's way big expanding.

"So I can go do this; I, not meaning me and not meaning you or us, but someone"

Jimmy - Vegetarian pizza is just artichokes and onions and mushrooms and no meat?
Scott - I have no idea what you're talking about.
Jimmy - Me either. 

Instead of using bad words this weekend when I hurt my back, I just said "Fudge nuggets"

Male Gibson

"Hey Scott, look where my finger is"

They had that one guy, that tornado sucked up his whopper

"Did I ask that question or did I state that question?"

"I got me bit by a snake"

They're still doing that Moto GPA (GP) race this weekend even in the rain.

I was the best thing since before sliced bread. 

My experience at Freebirds was Lacklustered. 

With whatever I had going on yesterday (he was sick) my body was sticky and I got a pimple.

Anterfreeze.

Inturpit. 

"What's that thing called......a couch"

"South Austin music city limits thing"

"It's 5 hours of great music, I guess" (describing the Iheartmusic festival)

"I was jonesing for my piece of Starbucks"

"I haven't checked in on it, but what happened to the ice age?"

Jimmy - We had lobster and shrimp last night. It was surf-n-turf
Bryan - Where was the turf part?
Jimmy - I had some salad

"That new Wesley Snipely movie is pretty good. He's a janitor or a book store person"

"I say it like that because sometimes I see a word, and it's got all these damn letters in it!"

Jimmy - "Cor-reck-ly modeled. Did I say that right?"
Paul - "It has a 'T' in it"
Jimmy - "Mot-eld?"

[knocks on head] "This is like a steel trap. Things get out but nothing gets in."

"Hey Scott, you been watching that girl golf-soccer?"

Was Robert E Lee a Buffalo Soldier?

"That's a sticky situation. I mean......not sticky in your eyes."

"4 weeks to a month"

"Maximo's gonna be everybody's button on their bread"

"The Work Order used to be the Bible."

"Can you do me a favor and pop a spot right there?"

"I got out of the water and I felt like I had a load in my pants. I was drinking a lot."

Colin and I had an imprompt meeting yesterday. 

"It was a zoo zitshu and krottie guy vs a muscle guy, the muscle guy was all lubed up"

"I didn't know that Washington DC wasn't a state"

"I heard he had a illigiminant child"

I'm running into some issues right now and one of them has put me in a stumper.

It's ostetically pleasing. 

She was the CEO of Heelo Packer.

I like ole politics.

Kirp Cobain

JP - "Have you ever eaten at that Green Mesquite?"
Bryan - "no"
JP - "I've thought about it"

I have a big giant open mind. 

"I was in a play in high school... the Mice is Men"

(talking about getting in a car wreck, then totally changes subject) "Bryan......I made pancakes this weekend."
"they were good, I didn't eat any of them"

"I was PDFin' so I decided to wheel over here and take a gander to you"

"Bigs.....what's manifesto?"

"They say the Apple watch is just a trend or whatever that is called"

J - "This coffee tastes like filtered dirt."
Coworkers - " How would you know what filtered dirt tastes like?"
J - "Because I've drank filtered dirt!"

"Yesterday they played the Rolls Bow" (Rose Bowl)

"It took about a berjillion years"

"The Patriots won? Ya know, $4 is not a lot of money"

"There is lettuce and lettuce.....sauce in the kitchen"

"There is....it has a Z in it.....Lasagna"

"What's the difference between blueberries and protein?"

Don't make me laugh, you're gonna screw up my brain. 

When I listen to that....IPC....IP Seed......Independent Clown Posse

"Ya'll play that fan duel or that king of monsters football?"

"I bought Tina some movies. I bought her Fast and Furious 7 and On-traahj (Entourage)

Matt Damon = "Mark Wallburger"

"She's a presbyterian, she only eats fish and wock-a-mole (guacamole)

"It was a long time ago movie"

"National Lampoons Regular Vacation"

"I can't hear. It's so cool. It's not that cool."

"I always call it (drinking) on the wagon. Cause one.....I ain't gonna be driving"

"It's not hot chocolate....it's just hot chocolate powder and then they mix hot water in it"

JP - We had a "potluck" (in air qoutes)
PB - Why the quotes?
JP - Cause there was no pot or luck 

"I'm ain't sayin' the world is flat, I'm just saying that if it was, all the damn water would run off!"

Santa Clause wears fire retarded pants. 

Lisa - What kind of hardwood floors did you get?
JP - Huh?
Lisa - Like, what kind of wood?
JP - Is there a kind of wood?

You know what?!? I've got animal rights.

I guess he aint got no more Scurvey Fever or whatever it's called. 

J: I love animals.
P: Then how come everytime we mention an animal you ask "can ya shoot it?"?
J: So they'll lay there all still like, so I can hug 'em.

Allllll my exes live in Texas.......Except for the ones that moved awayyyyyy.

"Cobblers are so small....oh wait, I'm thinking of Keeblers"

(As he is walking out to leave for the day) - "Allllriiiight........totes!" 

"Some guy walks into a Pawn shop and sees some guns, and ya never know, those could be General Custard's guns!"

"Bryan Goffling" (Ryan Gosling)

"I cry at sad movies like RV or Force Gump"

"It was a movie where the guy from Bradford Files has oldtimers disease"

I got one of those cranberry trees in my yard. 

1 + 1 = Sinuses

"He loves golf and wears makeup, but he doesn't wear makeup when he's playing golf. His name is Alice in Chains"

·        01-25-2016, 09:21 PM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

This thread is for the philosophical muses and life lessons of Jimmy, my potentially retarded, functional alcoholic employee.

A bit of background, he's a 43 year old, ex-PC tech. When I was hired to build my department, my VP highly encouraged me to hire Jimmy to a full-time role. He'd been an IT contractor at my company for a few years. Being new, I reluctantly agreed. That VP was later fired and escorted from the building. Jimmy remains.

Jimmy drinks at least a 12-pack of Frio Beer a day. If he's not at work, he's drunk. Usually, he's drunk and fishing or hunting. He likes shooting crossbows and recreational welding. He listens Celine Dion and the Insane Clown Posse. He loves Fox News and Info Wars but doesn't really understand any current issues.


Just yer everyday God fearing 'Merican.

·        01-25-2016, 09:21 PM

CooterBrown

A few months ago, he got stuck at the beach fishing one night because he didn't have a battery in his truck. When asked what happened, he said he wanted a spotlight while out in the surf, so he put his truck battery in an ice chest and rigged up a light to it. While fishing, a wave dumped it over and he lost his battery.

·        01-25-2016, 09:22 PM

Continental Op

Bring Jimmy on here to talk about crossbows. Maybe they can become a Shaggy fad like tomahawks.

·        01-25-2016, 09:22 PM

CooterBrown

A couple of years ago Jimmy came in to work complaining his eyes hurt. He decided to do some welding on a bbq pit he was building without wearing welding glasses. He figured squinting works when you stare into the sun so why not while welding.

·        01-25-2016, 09:22 PM

CooterBrown

Jimmy's wife got on him for being drunk by lunch every day off so she forbid him to drink before noon. That lasted a few weeks until one Saturday she went to the gym at 10am. Jimmy drank a 12 pack of Frio in the two hours she was gone. She came home with a surprise...a 12 pack of beer as a reward for not getting drunk in the AM (she's not smart either). To hide the fact he was already drunk, he drank the new beer by 2pm. She found him unconscious in the garage. We asked him why he didn't just put the beer in fridge for later and he said he'd already established in his house that the fridge is for food and beer is for drinking.

·        01-25-2016, 09:22 PM

CooterBrown

Sad Jimmy story from this morning.

My office is outside of the cubicle farm where Jimmy sits. Co-workers are arguing with him about his 401k contribution. The conversation went like this:

Co-Worker: Jimmy, why do you only contribute 1%? You're leaving free money on the table and that's not enough to retire on!

Jimmy: It's enough. It's $5,000 a year. 

Co-W: You make $500,000?

Jimmy: I...no...

The light slowly went on when Jimmy realized he's been contributing $500 annually, at best, to his 401K for years.

·        01-25-2016, 09:23 PM

CooterBrown

"Saw that Mad Max movie. I didn't think he was that mad. He's pretty cool and collected most of the time. Fergie was a bad ass though."

·        01-25-2016, 09:24 PM

CooterBrown

Jimmy's son wants to be a record producer so he was trying to get in touch with Skrillex to see if he wanted to work with an up and comer. His son is really into dub step.

To be honest, if anyone can make that happen, it's Jimmy. If you need a toe by Tuesday, Jimmy's your man. We needed an ethernet switch with more ports for our conference room one day, Jimmy disappeared for 10 minutes and came back with one...that he got from another company in the building. He just walked in their office, went to their IT guy and asked for one, got it, walked out. Jimmy gets shit done.

·        01-25-2016, 09:31 PM

boknowstecmo

That up there is a great list if TexAgs ever wants to start doing banner mottos.

·        01-25-2016, 09:33 PM

CooterBrown

A new one to start this thread off...

A couple of years ago, a couple of us were walking to the parking garage and I mentioned I needed to get Jamie (our managing attorney) to approve a NDA.

Jimmy non-chalantly: "She gave it up to me once."

Me: "Gave up what?"

J: "You know, her poon."

Me: "WTF?"

J: "She asked me to come over to her condo to help her with her PC and as a reward she let Jimmy's fingers do the walkin'."

Me: "Bullshit."

J: "Yep. Fingered her cooch and her butthole. Did her too."

Me "Wow."

J: "I was going at it and she farted. She got all embarrassed and I was like don't worry usually I make 'em shit."

Never looked at Jamie the same way again.

·        01-25-2016, 09:34 PM Francisco Scaramonga

Subscribed.

·        01-25-2016, 09:35 PM  BALLGAME123

783aa1be06539aa39043d19d033d62b3.jpg

·        01-25-2016, 10:03 PM

cactusflinthead

So very much gold.

·        01-25-2016, 10:13 PM

OnBoard

Holy mother Jimmy is gold. He's a damn American institution. He's a novel, hes a movie, 

My mind is like a steel trap, things get out, but nothing gets in..

·        01-25-2016, 10:16 PM

Gunsup

He needs to go fishing with the guys that do "Niggas on the River."

·        01-25-2016, 10:19 PM

Fuck Greg Davis

This has coffee table book written all over it. Do it.

·        01-25-2016, 10:23 PM

FCHorn

In for the long haul...let's get a reddit style Q and A...

·        01-25-2016, 10:24 PM

FCHorn

Ducksmith-ian

·        01-25-2016, 10:24 PM

Beef Supreme

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"don't worry usually I make 'em shit."


I'm stealing this.

·        01-25-2016, 10:29 PM

Robin Masters

You have left so much money on the table by shooting your wad on page 1. You should have went with the proven technique, make a Twitter called "shit my co-worker Jimmy says" Dole a couple of gems/day. 1-3 months later, Hollyweird is knocking at your door. Profit.

·        01-25-2016, 10:36 PM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

You have left so much money on the table by shooting your wad on page 1. You should have went with the proven technique, make a Twitter called "shit my co-worker Jimmy says" Dole a couple of gems/day. 1-3 months later, Hollyweird is knocking at your door. Profit.


Jimmysaysshit.com. (I own it.......now)

·        01-25-2016, 10:38 PM

ERhine

Subscribed.

·        01-25-2016, 10:54 PM

NorthLoop

Anytime Bob gets writer's block on a new motto, he should come here. So much gold.

·        01-25-2016, 11:14 PM

Kyrie Eleison

Jimmy needs to be Les Miles' personal aide. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

·        01-25-2016, 11:18 PM

unklphucker

Now that is authentic frontier gibberish. Love the Jimmy.

·        01-25-2016, 11:26 PM

MilkmanDan

The legend among the early employees at my company is that the original IT guy started the Ethernet runs above the ceiling tiles using a crossbow. Gonna have to find out if that was Jimmy.

·        01-25-2016, 11:44 PM

MissingInAction

Quote:


Originally Posted by MilkmanDan 

The legend among the early employees at my company is that the original IT guy started the Ethernet runs above the ceiling tiles using a crossbow. Gonna have to find out if that was Jimmy.


Knew a guy that had a ferret trained to run cable.

·        01-25-2016, 11:48 PM

NorthLoop

Quote:


Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

Knew a guy that had a ferret trained to run cable.


And that man was Einstein...

·        01-25-2016, 11:51 PM

MissingInAction

Quote:


Originally Posted by NorthLoop 

And that man was Einstein...


You knew him too?

·        01-26-2016, 01:35 AM

Prepuce of Doom

Quote:


Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

Knew a guy that had a ferret trained to run cable.


In Mexico, I saw a donkey trained to lay pipe.

·        01-26-2016, 07:32 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

You have left so much money on the table by shooting your wad on page 1. You should have went with the proven technique, make a Twitter called "shit my co-worker Jimmy says" Dole a couple of gems/day. 1-3 months later, Hollyweird is knocking at your door. Profit.


Yep. In hindsight, I should've milked the original jimmyisms.txt file for months. I didn't realize anyone would be as amused without knowing the guy. That was compiled over 5 years. Hopefully, he'll speed up production of new material.

·        01-26-2016, 08:08 AM

hookemATL

Sounds like an emotionally crippled alcoholic with brain damage. 

Please continue to post factoids about him, so I may laugh at him and feel better about myself.

Thanks.

·        01-26-2016, 08:10 AM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by hookemATL 

Sounds like an emotionally crippled alcoholic with brain damage.


Meh, that could describe pretty much any poster here.

·        01-26-2016, 09:05 AM

Kavinsky

Outstanding thread OP. Has Jimmy sired any offspring? From what I've read so far, I think there's a strong chance that he has a son named Kevin, see spoiler.

Spoiler! 

·        01-26-2016, 09:05 AM

MissingInAction

Quote:


Originally Posted by OnBoard 

Meh, that could describe pretty much any poster here.

military-man-raises-hands_20.gif

·        01-26-2016, 09:28 AM

Soul Glo

Quote:


Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

Knew a guy that had a ferret trained to run cable.


Nice marmot

·        01-26-2016, 09:31 AM

Soul Glo

we had a female version of Jimmy at my office before she retired to a lap of luxury, as she called it (she lived in a trailer).

Also, she routinely drove to West on her lunch break to "pick up a dozen or two Go-laches"

·        01-26-2016, 09:35 AM

loco

Seemed like in your first post, you felt kinda stuck with Jimmy as a bad hire. You should re-evaluate.


For years, I used to talk about my grandfather's workshop and his "Radio alarm saw". I have never used a crossbow though.

Je suis Jimmy

·        01-26-2016, 09:41 AM

Llano Estacado

Quote:


Originally Posted by ERhine 

Subscribed.


Subs crib. I thought you subs-crib to threads.

·        01-26-2016, 09:53 AM

CooterBrown

We're in a conference room listening to our CEO's annual state of the union...

Jimmy let this one go: "I'd rather be floating in the middle of the lake with hot dogs wrapped around my body"

So, now I have to explain.

Jimmy told us that one time when he was drunk he decided to tie hot dogs to his pants to catch catfish in his own version of noodling. It didn't work but he had fun.

·        01-26-2016, 10:00 AM

MrPhlegm

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

A new one to start this thread off...

A couple of years ago, a couple of us were walking to the parking garage and I mentioned I needed to get Jamie (our managing attorney) to approve a NDA.

Jimmy non-chalantly: "She gave it up to me once."

Me: "Gave up what?"

J: "You know, her poon."

Me: "WTF?"

J: "She asked me to come over to her condo to help her with her PC and as a reward she let Jimmy's fingers do the walkin'."

Me: "Bullshit."

J: "Yep. Fingered her cooch and her butthole. Did her too."

Me "Wow."

J: "I was going at it and she farted. She got all embarrassed and I was like don't worry usually I make 'em shit."

Never looked at Jamie the same way again.


Ok, was not impressed with this thread until this post.

Holy shit max lulz.

+rep subscribed

·        01-26-2016, 10:13 AM

Jade

Hahahahahaha I think Jimmy's sister lives next door to me. My neighbor calls Johnny Depp, Johnny Dimp. I'm going to forever associate people with Jimmyisms now

·        01-26-2016, 10:20 AM

coffeedillon

Please forward to Hillary to add to her "I give a shit list "

·        01-26-2016, 10:26 AM

Robin Masters

I think I know Jimmy's mom. She calls that stuff the poors have on their countertops "ninoleum", she stores things in her "chester drawers" and you know how on cold days when the wind blows it feels colder, that's the "windshield factor"

·        01-26-2016, 10:28 AM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

cold days when the wind blows it feels colder, that's the "windshield factor"


From the mouths of babes, truth spews forth.

·        01-26-2016, 10:30 AM

Jade

Jimmy's sister was walking her dog last week holding a trash bag. She said it was to pick up dog species

·        01-26-2016, 10:33 AM

Chewbacca

In34

·        01-26-2016, 10:33 AM

Stilicho

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

This thread is for the philosophical muses and life lessons of Jimmy, my potentially retarded, functional alcoholic employee.

A bit of background, he's a 43 year old, ex-PC tech. When I was hired to build my department, my VP highly encouraged me to hire Jimmy to a full-time role. He'd been an IT contractor at my company for a few years. Being new, I reluctantly agreed. That VP was later fired and escorted from the building. Jimmy remains.

Jimmy drinks at least a 12-pack of Frio Beer a day. If he's not at work, he's drunk. Usually, he's drunk and fishing or hunting. He likes shooting crossbows and recreational welding. He listens Celine Dion and the Insane Clown Posse. He loves Fox News and Info Wars but doesn't really understand any current issues.


Jimmy gets his own thread? I am FANTASY NOW!!!!!!

Subscribed.

Bottom of Form

·        01-26-2016, 09:39 AM

RDCanecutter

Quote:


"They found an English king (Richard III) buried under some parking lot. I didn't even know they had parking lots back then."


Pretty good point.

·        01-26-2016, 09:43 AM

Bath Salt Dealer

#teamjimmy4life

·        01-26-2016, 09:46 AM

Jade

Just curious, what does Jimmy drive?

·        01-26-2016, 09:48 AM

Soul Glo

2000_gmc_jimmy_4dr-suv_diamond-edition_r

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

·        524401-26-2016, 09:57 AM

MajorHarsin

Pics of Jamie?

·        01-26-2016, 10:00 AM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by Soul Glo 

http://media.ed.edmunds-media.com/gm..._oem_1_500.jpg


So simple, but so funny. Spreading it around here.....

·        01-26-2016, 10:01 AM

iamthepush

i may have missed this, is jimmy from a different country?

·        01-26-2016, 10:05 AM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:


Originally Posted by iamthepush 

i may have missed this, is jimmy from a different country?


he's from Alto...so yes.

·        01-26-2016, 10:11 AM

MissingInAction

Jimmy needs to get on the shag pronto.

·        01-26-2016, 10:55 AM

skipperj

Quote:


Originally Posted by Jade 

Just curious, what does Jimmy drive?


A Nissan Maximum

·        01-26-2016, 10:56 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by iamthepush 

i may have missed this, is jimmy from a different country?


Originally from Ohio, went to high school in South Texas.

·        01-26-2016, 12:55 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

Does Jimmy look special?

·        01-26-2016, 02:27 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by Mantis Toboggan, MD 

Does Jimmy look special?


Not at all. Judging by his ex-wife, current wife, and the attorney, he hits above his weight class. There's something to be said for confidence through ignorance.

·        01-26-2016, 02:29 PM

lurch

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

A new one to start this thread off...

A couple of years ago, a couple of us were walking to the parking garage and I mentioned I needed to get Jamie (our managing attorney) to approve a NDA.

Jimmy non-chalantly: "She gave it up to me once."

Me: "Gave up what?"

J: "You know, her poon."

Me: "WTF?"

J: "She asked me to come over to her condo to help her with her PC and as a reward she let Jimmy's fingers do the walkin'."

Me: "Bullshit."

J: "Yep. Fingered her cooch and her butthole. Did her too."

Me "Wow."

J: "I was going at it and she farted. She got all embarrassed and I was like don't worry usually I make 'em shit."

Never looked at Jamie the same way again.


Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!

·        01-26-2016, 02:38 PM

lurch

I had a relative-through-marriage once tell me that her car stereo sounded so much better due to the new radio tires she just bought.

·        01-26-2016, 02:46 PM

hayden_horn

team jimmy

·        01-26-2016, 02:56 PM

Robin Masters

When I read Jimmy it's in Robert Deniro in Bang The Drum Slowly's voice.

·        01-27-2016, 05:36 AM

Bath Salt Dealer

Quote:


Originally Posted by skipperj 

A Nissan Maximum


He upgraded to a Toyota Crayola.

·        01-27-2016, 06:40 AM

Fastbreak

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

He loves Fox News and Info Wars but doesn't really understand any current issues.


You've just described pretty much every regular cloak room poster...

·        01-27-2016, 07:45 AM

JohnnyRage

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Yep. In hindsight, I should've milked the original jimmyisms.txt file for months. I didn't realize anyone would be as amused without knowing the guy. That was compiled over 5 years. Hopefully, he'll speed up production of new material.


I was not expecting to lulz this morning. But more good news, it will take me months to read the entire OP, but that's more of a 'me' thing. So I got that going for me.

·        01-27-2016, 08:15 AM

Wally Fairway

Quote:


Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

Jimmy needs to get on the shag pronto.



What makes you think he doesn't?


If Cooter's portrayal is even somewhat accurate, I think Jimmy could read this thread and have no clue it was about him.

·        01-27-2016, 08:34 AM

Tuco Ramirez

This is who I pictured with each quote. 

Vlcsnap-2013-08-02-02h42m08s18.jpg

And I really doubt Jimmy has to worry that much about retirement.

 

·        01-27-2016, 09:10 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by Wally Fairway 

If Cooter's portrayal is even somewhat accurate, I think Jimmy could read this thread and have no clue it was about him.


All the names have been changed except for Jimmy's, so that's probably true. However, not too many people have gone fishing with hot dogs tied to their pants.

·        01-27-2016, 09:12 AM

Blain

Fishing and crabbing at the same time? Don't see the issue.

·        01-27-2016, 09:12 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

When I read Jimmy it's in Robert Deniro in Bang The Drum Slowly's voice.


Jimmy looks a lot like Lawrence from Office Space but without the mullet. He has normal short hair but with a beard. He sounds like a cross between Roscoe P Coltrane and the hotel guy from Deadwood. His attire is usually Wranglers, an untucked polo, and knock off Birkenstocks with black socks.

·        01-27-2016, 09:23 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by JohnnySage 

I was not expecting to lulz this morning. But more good news, it will take me months to read the entire OP, but that's more of a 'me' thing. So I got that going for me.


I've found that you can read the list every day for a month and you'll always find something you missed.

·        01-27-2016, 09:41 AM

Gunsup

I'm kicking around the idea of using one Jimmy quote a day for my students to see when they walk in each day. He'll be given full credit, of course.

·        01-27-2016, 09:44 AM

OnBoard

Hes a god damn american treasure, like Twain only a lot stupiderer.

·        01-27-2016, 09:48 AM

Robin Masters

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

His attire is usually Wranglers, an untucked polo, and knock off Birkenstocks with black socks.


I feel like a Gofundme get Jimmy real Birkenstocks is in order.

·        01-27-2016, 12:10 PM

CooterBrown

"I like that Trump. He and me are like one brain. We think what each other is saying."

·        01-27-2016, 12:29 PM

·        01-27-2016, 05:57 PM

Celery Man

You know, her poon.

·        01-27-2016, 06:56 PM

Soul Glo

Quote:


Originally Posted by lurch 

I had a relative-through-marriage once tell me that her car stereo sounded so much better due to the new radio tires she just bought.


I know a girl who went on a job interview and was asked what she felt like she could bring to the party, and she responded "well, I could probably bring paper plates and plastic forks and napkins."

Same girl thinks it is the excess road and not the access road. She also thinks the Nixons song is "sisters in ICU" instead of "Sister I see you"


Like we are just out there trying to figure out where to place all this goddamn excess road.

·        01-28-2016, 08:58 AM

CooterBrown

J: "I've always wondered, do vegenarans complete the job?"

Chief: "What are you talking about?"

J: "You know it's parts of a baby. Is it considered eating meat?"

Chief: "This is one of those topics that cause you not to have nice things. Please stop."

·        02-01-2016, 02:07 PM

CooterBrown

"Drinking bubble tea would make me feel very venonym. I mean feminine."

·        02-01-2016, 02:28 PM

Red Five

"I've seen the ants. They have a good time."

I'd like to hear the context behind this one.

·        02-01-2016, 02:28 PM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Drinking bubble tea would make me feel very venonym. I mean feminine."


sorta true either way....


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

·        02-02-2016, 03:33 PM

CooterBrown

"Monkeys can't really swim...except those Japanese monkeys. That's why the top monkey research lab is Puerto Rico. That's why it's called Monkey Island."

·        02-02-2016, 03:53 PM

llanoflash

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Monkeys can't really swim...except those Japanese monkeys. That's why the top monkey research lab is Puerto Rico. That's why it's called Monkey Island."


I have read this about 50 times. Not sure why that's funny but it sure as hell is.

·        02-02-2016, 04:03 PM

Stilicho

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Monkeys can't really swim...except those Japanese monkeys. That's why the top monkey research lab is Puerto Rico. That's why it's called Monkey Island."


Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why Jimmy had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

·        02-02-2016, 05:15 PM

Lerka Lerka

Fucking gold.

·        02-02-2016, 05:46 PM

Massive Horn

Quote:


the fridge is for food and beer is for drinking


raw

·        02-02-2016, 06:13 PM

pacman

Damn, I think my friend used to live near Jimmy in South Austin years ago.

Have you ever heard him threaten to put "stretch marks on your mouth"?

We must have laughed for days.

·        02-04-2016, 08:46 AM

CooterBrown

"When I was young and dumb, I used to deliver for Domino's. So, I was in a Taco Bell on William Cannon. Some guy I met in the bathroom took me in a stall. We did some coke off the toilet seat. The seat was warm and it stank bad. I haven't done drugs since. Ordered a 7 layer burrito cause that beaver song (Primus - Winona's Big Brown Beaver) . I have not done drugs since."

·        02-04-2016, 09:20 AM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"When I was young and dumb, I used to deliver for Domino's. So, I was in a Taco Bell on William Cannon. Some guy I met in the bathroom took me in a stall. We did some coke off the toilet seat. The seat was warm and it stank bad. I haven't done drugs since. Ordered a 7 layer burrito cause that beaver song (Primus - Winona's Big Brown Beaver) . I have not done drugs since."




I. Am. In. Awe. !!

·        02-04-2016, 09:20 AM

Stilicho

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"When I was young and dumb, I used to deliver for Domino's. So, I was in a Taco Bell on William Cannon. Some guy I met in the bathroom took me in a stall. We did some coke off the toilet seat. The seat was warm and it stank bad. I haven't done drugs since. Ordered a 7 layer burrito cause that beaver song (Primus - Winona's Big Brown Beaver) . I have not done drugs since."


Only a real man bumps a line off of a still warm shitter seat.

·        02-04-2016, 09:29 AM

BlueGreySky06

seats_warmed.png

·        02-04-2016, 09:30 AM

BlueGreySky06

oh, and this is easily my favorite story of his so far. think i've read it three times just out of appreciation.

·        02-04-2016, 10:07 AM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"When I was young and dumb, I used to deliver for Domino's. So, I was in a Taco Bell on William Cannon. Some guy I met in the bathroom took me in a stall. We did some coke off the toilet seat. The seat was warm and it stank bad. I haven't done drugs since. Ordered a 7 layer burrito cause that beaver song (Primus - Winona's Big Brown Beaver) . I have not done drugs since."

GIF-approval-happy-like-pleased-satisfie

·        02-04-2016, 12:19 PM

Robin Masters

Must spread rep. Fack this thread is gold, every time it pops up I slightly enchubben. Jimmy needs to be telling that story at school all over the state.

 

Bottom of Form

·        02-04-2016, 03:53 PM

bamachine

I used to work with a guy named Jimmy that sounds a lot like this guy, also in IT. We were running Cat 5 cables and having to drill holes in the walls. We came upon a spot where I needed my 90 degree drill attachment to drill a hole, sent him to go get it off the work van, he came back and handed me a bell hanger bit(pictured below) that he bent 90 degrees.

What I asked for...

image_21652.jpg

What I got...

thumb_1248067547.jpg

...bent at a 90 degree angle.

Also, someone mentioned using a crossbow for running wires above ceiling grid, they actually make a little crossbow type device with string attached for this exact purpose. Very rare that you have enough room to use it though, so never got one, instead got a pole like the electric company uses to reach up to transformers.

·        02-04-2016, 04:03 PM

CooterBrown

From at lunch today...

J: "I'd like to drink a 40 with a monkey."

S: "What?"

J: "Don't tell me you don't want a monkey doing your chores."



He's been on a monkey kick lately. He loves animals.

·        02-04-2016, 04:06 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by Red Five 

"I've seen the ants. They have a good time."

I'd like to hear the context behind this one.


I asked some of his co-workers and I was told that Jimmy was talking about drinking whiskey and watching his ant farm for relaxation.

·        02-04-2016, 09:47 PM

bigbend1812

These stories remind me of Ricky.....






https://youtu.be/Jfq3c4Cf1Fs

·        02-05-2016, 11:18 AM

CooterBrown

Interpret this dream I had:

I'm sitting on a beach with John Goodman on a beach towel. We're in Mexico. Across the way they're building a bridge to Texas. 

Goodman tells me 'Dirt bike is a good nickname name for you."

I say 'I'm really happy. The bridge looks good."

Goodman says, 'I'm really happy too, Dirt Bike.'

·        02-05-2016, 11:53 AM

Robin Masters

Did he do a lot of low quality brain melting drugs, and then the line of coke off the warm Domino's toilet seat was the end, or was that a one off? I'm trying to find something to account for the brain damage/enlightened state. It can't be the booze, I know several lifelong alcoholics, and they're nowhere near this interesting.

·        02-05-2016, 12:55 PM

Prepuce of Doom

Quote:


Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

Did he do a lot of low quality brain melting drugs, and then the line of coke off the warm Domino's toilet seat was the end, or was that a one off? I'm trying to find something to account for the brain damage/enlightened state. It can't be the booze, I know several lifelong alcoholics, and they're nowhere near this interesting.


Agreed. This seems like it could be a consequence of heavy psilocybin use under age 10 or something bizarre like that.

·        02-05-2016, 12:56 PM

hayden_horn

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Interpret this dream I had:

I'm sitting on a beach with John Goodman on a beach towel. We're in Mexico. Across the way they're building a bridge to Texas. 

Goodman tells me 'Dirt bike is a good nickname name for you."

I say 'I'm really happy. The bridge looks good."

Goodman says, 'I'm really happy too, Dirt Bike.'


dirt bike. yall have to start calling him dirt bike

·        02-05-2016, 12:56 PM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Interpret this dream I had:

I'm sitting on a beach with John Goodman on a beach towel. We're in Mexico. Across the way they're building a bridge to Texas. 

Goodman tells me 'Dirt bike is a good nickname name for you."

I say 'I'm really happy. The bridge looks good."

Goodman says, 'I'm really happy too, Dirt Bike.'


200_s.gif

·        02-05-2016, 01:56 PM

Bottlecap

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

I asked some of his co-workers and I was told that Jimmy was talking about drinking whiskey and watching his ant farm for relaxation.


dying

·        02-05-2016, 01:57 PM

Bottlecap

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Interpret this dream I had:

I'm sitting on a beach with John Goodman on a beach towel. We're in Mexico. Across the way they're building a bridge to Texas. 

Goodman tells me 'Dirt bike is a good nickname name for you."

I say 'I'm really happy. The bridge looks good."

Goodman says, 'I'm really happy too, Dirt Bike.'


holy shit, choking on laughter

·        02-05-2016, 02:45 PM

CooterBrown

I just realized that Jimmy's dream sounds like bad Hemingway.

·        02-05-2016, 02:49 PM

skipperj

It's greatness. So easy to picture. John Goodman just sitting there looking at jimmy as he says "Dirt Bike".

·        02-05-2016, 03:03 PM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by skipperj 

It's greatness. So easy to picture. John Goodman just sitting there looking at jimmy as he says "Dirt Bike".


yep…...

·        02-05-2016, 03:49 PM

MissingInAction

I'd really like to meet this savant.

·        02-05-2016, 03:55 PM

hayden_horn

Quote:


Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

I'd really like to meet this savant.


you talkin about dirt bike?

·        02-05-2016, 03:58 PM

NorthLoop

Good ol' Dirt Bike

·        02-05-2016, 04:25 PM

irishtexan

Quote:


Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

I'd really like to meet this savant.


happy hour?

·        02-05-2016, 04:40 PM

BearSchlong

Dirt Bike's good people.

·        02-05-2016, 05:12 PM

skipperj

e00e439fedfef8b70fcaa39390d05b5a.jpg

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

·        02-05-2016, 11:36 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

Team Jimmy/Dirt Bike

·        02-08-2016, 11:37 AM

CooterBrown

Jimmy showed up today with a "new" truck. His wife took him to tour a distillery on Saturday. They got drunk. On the way home, he told her to stop so he could look at those Asian trucks. He was talked into buying a Honda Ridgeline with 190,000 miles on it. He said he woke up Sunday and instantly regretted it since he hasn't had a car payment in years. A co-worker said to just take it back. Jimmy said it was too late. He'd already named her. He named her Ghost. Co-worker asked if it was white. He said no, black. That was just the first name that popped into his head.

·        02-08-2016, 12:23 PM

workswithseed

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Jimmy showed up today with a "new" truck. His wife took him to tour a distillery on Saturday. They got drunk. On the way home, he told her to stop so he could look at those Asian trucks. He was talked into buying a Honda Ridgeline with 190,000 miles on it. He said he woke up Sunday and instantly regretted it since he hasn't had a car payment in years. A co-worker said to just take it back. Jimmy said it was too late. He'd already named her. He named her Ghost. Co-worker asked if it was white. He said no, black. That was just the first name that popped into his head.


He doesn't see black or white.

·        02-08-2016, 12:40 PM

Stilicho

Quote:


Originally Posted by workswithseed 

He doesn't see black or white.


Just beer. And that's fair.

·        02-08-2016, 12:57 PM

TexasEd

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

From at lunch today...

J: "I'd like to drink a 40 with a monkey."

S: "What?"

J: "Don't tell me you don't want a monkey doing your chores."



He's been on a monkey kick lately. He loves animals.



Please tell me Jimmy came up with the idea for the puppy/monkey/baby commercial.

·        02-08-2016, 01:32 PM

YChang

Hmm... on a monkey kick. It is the year of the monkey on the Chinese zodiac. Fire monkey at that.

·        02-08-2016, 01:41 PM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:


Originally Posted by YChang 

Hmm... on a monkey kick. It is the year of the monkey on the Chinese zodiac. Fire monkey at that.


Asian truck, too. 

Jimmy's a Zen master....no one knows it just yet though. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

·        02-08-2016, 01:52 PM

iamthepush

"I like fun schway" - Jimmy

·        02-08-2016, 01:58 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Jimmy showed up today with a "new" truck. His wife took him to tour a distillery on Saturday. They got drunk. On the way home, he told her to stop so he could look at those Asian trucks. He was talked into buying a Honda Ridgeline with 190,000 miles on it. He said he woke up Sunday and instantly regretted it since he hasn't had a car payment in years. A co-worker said to just take it back. Jimmy said it was too late. He'd already named her. He named her Ghost. Co-worker asked if it was white. He said no, black. That was just the first name that popped into his head.


I need to meet Jimmy. This is amazing.

·        02-08-2016, 07:36 PM

Chad Fuck

Shaggy happy hour with Jimmy?

·        02-09-2016, 11:19 AM

unklphucker

Has he seen the video of the baby monkey riding backwards on a pig? Might be life changing for him.

·        02-10-2016, 09:40 AM

CooterBrown

[on Wednesday]"a couple days ago, which was last weekend..."

"I was already planning on griping as soon as I woke up."

"I heard he had a tinture tantrum."

"We don't have a Hopdoddy in Georgetown but we just got one."

"Is a calzone better than a pizza?"

·        02-10-2016, 10:13 AM

RDCanecutter

Well? Is it?

·        02-10-2016, 11:12 AM

CutTheCrackJack

Read the OP then ignored because it's not funny to take professionally written comedy and comedian's hardwork and plagiarize it.

Then I saw it's on page 3 and said "HA! They are roasting OP for trying to pass this off as a humble dude who he knows in real life."

Now I'm thinking this guy is the real deal and I, too, want to meet this dark hero.

·        02-10-2016, 01:56 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Interpret this dream I had:

I'm sitting on a beach with John Goodman on a beach towel. We're in Mexico. Across the way they're building a bridge to Texas. 

Goodman tells me 'Dirt bike is a good nickname name for you."

I say 'I'm really happy. The bridge looks good."

Goodman says, 'I'm really happy too, Dirt Bike.'


Well that did it. I just laughed out loud in a meeting.

·        02-10-2016, 02:44 PM

CooterBrown

J: "Boba Fett is a modern day Dog the Bounty Hunter."

S: "Star wars was a long time ago in galaxy far far away."

J: "Nobody believes that."

·        02-10-2016, 03:00 PM

Gardner Barnes

Cooter. What does Jimmy look like? My mental picture is something like Larry, Darryl, and his other brother Darryl from Newhart. 


2728d2968e40d39964656e382b7a8fa0.jpg

·        02-10-2016, 03:14 PM

CooterBrown

He looks like Lawrence from Office Space but without the mullet.

·        02-10-2016, 04:07 PM

MissingInAction

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

He looks like Lawrence from Office Space but without the mullet.


No mullet? I am disappoint.

·        02-10-2016, 05:06 PM

ifiwaspresident

I have never seen this thread, and was perusing on my second screen while on a videoconference with about ten people. I fucking lost it, and there was no way to get away from the video camera. That uncontrollable laughter where you make an ugly face and no sound comes out, save for the occasional whimper. I made like something went down the wrong tube and motored out of my office. I spent the next ten minutes trying to go back into my office, but each time I started to open the door I would think of it again and break down. I finally made it back. The assassin / assassination etymology lesson is where I lost it. Jimmy seems like he would be cool to hang with. I picture Radical Larry's body with Nick Nolte's voice from Tropic Thunder when I'm reading them.

·        02-10-2016, 06:07 PM

cactusflinthead

I 'm having one of those mind thingies.

·        02-10-2016, 06:12 PM

TexasEd

Quote:


Figgo.....faygo....fromo....frio!


Does he follow Insane Clown Posse?

Ask him how magnets work.

·        02-10-2016, 06:59 PM

AbeFroman

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Interpret this dream I had:

I'm sitting on a beach with John Goodman on a beach towel. We're in Mexico. Across the way they're building a bridge to Texas. 

Goodman tells me 'Dirt bike is a good nickname name for you."

I say 'I'm really happy. The bridge looks good."

Goodman says, 'I'm really happy too, Dirt Bike.'


I'm going to start reading my kids Jimmy bedtime stories. They're going to grow up confused, but with a really good sense of humor.

·        02-10-2016, 07:17 PM

DigDug

Honestly can't tell if Jimmy is real, or if CooterBrown is a really clever funny writer with a great ruse. Either way, don't give a damn.

Jimmy's the best hidden gem on this site

·        02-10-2016, 07:30 PM

Gatorubet

Tell us more about this Becca person. Can she be another unlikely Jimmy conquest?

·        02-11-2016, 09:26 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by Gatorubet 

Tell us more about this Becca person. Can she be another unlikely Jimmy conquest?


Nope. She hates him. Jimmy's married. He's not the cheating type.

·        02-11-2016, 10:28 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by TexasEd 

Does he follow Insane Clown Posse?

Ask him how magnets work.


ICP is one of his favorites.

I just went back there and asked everyone how magnets work. Jimmy was the first to answer: "They repulse each other."

·        02-11-2016, 10:48 AM

Red Five

Becca hates Jimmy? Well I fucking hate Becca then.

·        02-11-2016, 11:15 AM

MissingInAction

Quote:


Originally Posted by Red Five 

Becca hates Jimmy? Well I fucking hate Becca then.


Yep. Time to put Becca's shit on blast.

·        02-11-2016, 11:16 AM

B

I've never liked anyone named Becca.

 

Bottom of Form

·        02-11-2016, 11:51 AM

TexasEd

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

ICP is one of his favorites.

I just went back there and asked everyone how magnets work. Jimmy was the first to answer: "They repulse each other."



I thought there was a strong correlation between Jimmyisms and potential ICP lyrics.
Just a little disappointed that the answer wasn't "Miracles".

·        02-11-2016, 12:22 PM

Liquor and Poker

Quote:


Originally Posted by Soul Glo 

I know a girl who went on a job interview and was asked what she felt like she could bring to the party, and she responded "well, I could probably bring paper plates and plastic forks and napkins."

Same girl thinks it is the excess road and not the access road. She also thinks the Nixons song is "sisters in ICU" instead of "Sister I see you"


Like we are just out there trying to figure out where to place all this goddamn excess road.


First one could be spun into a smart comeback to a really stupid interview question.

·        02-11-2016, 12:24 PM

Celery Man

Quote:


I emailed Glue......uuuh........Elmer. I keep wanting to call him Elmo.


Love it.

Hey Jimmy.


breakingbad_spiderboy.jpg

·        02-11-2016, 12:25 PM

Liquor and Poker

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

I just realized that Jimmy's dream sounds like bad Hemingway.


Agreed. I immediately thought of those weird pieces that used to appear on Barking Carnival where Mack Brown and Greg Davis would go fishing and shit. There was always a line in there like "as long as the football is good." Also bad Hemingway.

·        02-11-2016, 02:57 PM

CooterBrown

"If you're watching TV and someone walks in front of you and you don't see them, is that person really there?"

·        02-11-2016, 03:01 PM

irishtexan

giphy.gif

·        02-11-2016, 03:02 PM

Robin Masters

Jimmy's tao game is strong.

·        02-18-2016, 07:42 AM

CooterBrown

"Yo Monkey John, wanna trade bananas?"

·        02-18-2016, 08:23 AM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Yo Monkey John, wanna trade bananas?"


whether metaphor or literal, the answer is yes...yes i do. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

·        02-18-2016, 08:43 AM

zepol87

Fucking love Jimmy

·        02-18-2016, 09:29 AM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by Kyrie Eleison 

whether metaphor or literal, the answer is yes...yes i do. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



You just accepted an offer to meet in the stalls at yer local greyhound bus terminal

·        02-18-2016, 09:35 AM

workswithseed

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Yo Monkey John, wanna trade bananas?"


Monkey John?

·        02-18-2016, 09:44 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by workswithseed 

Monkey John?


There's no one named John in the office. No idea who he was talking to. It was on the text file this morning.

·        02-18-2016, 10:04 AM

Celery Man

image.jpg1_zpszgkokqjc.jpg

·        02-18-2016, 10:54 AM

hullabelew

Quote:


Originally Posted by B 

I've never liked anyone named Becca.


Is that why you use B as your Shaggy name?

·        02-18-2016, 10:56 AM

hullabelew

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

There's no one named John in the office. No idea who he was talking to. It was on the text file this morning.


How many people keep add to the Jimmy txt file?

·        02-18-2016, 10:58 AM

irishtexan

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

There's no one named John in the office. No idea who he was talking to. It was on the text file this morning.


There's a shared file where everyone in the office shares Jimmyisms? I want to hang out with Jimmy so bad.

·        02-18-2016, 11:10 AM

hullabelew

This one kills me: Sounds like something the real Ernest T. Bass would say. Or maybe even our Ernest T. 

Quote:


the Jimmy pre-proposal: "tell you what. You get yourself a job, I'll marry you up."


·        02-18-2016, 11:53 AM

llanoflash

thank the lawd. this thread disappeared to page 2. was nearly in a panic cooter forgot about all of jimmy's fans.

·        02-18-2016, 01:31 PM

TTomTerrific

I am sorry that I waited so long to open this thread.

This is fantastic.

·        02-18-2016, 02:32 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by hullabelew 

How many people keep add to the Jimmy txt file?


All 8 that sit back in that cube farm update the text file. What's sad is that it was created in '12 but I hired Jimmy in '10 so we missed out of 2 years of Jimmyisms.

·        02-18-2016, 02:35 PM

CooterBrown

"My girl is sweet. Talked chicken fried steak & mash tadors and is making it. Last meal talks works."

·        02-18-2016, 02:37 PM

zepol87

Every office needs a Jimmy. This is real team building 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        02-18-2016, 02:44 PM

CooterBrown

"That lizard planet they found...that's where Omama (Obama) is probably from."

·        02-18-2016, 02:46 PM

MissingInAction

Ok, I am using Omama from this point forward. That is just pure fucking poetry.

·        02-18-2016, 02:47 PM

SBBruin

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"That lizard planet they found...that's where Omama (Obama) is probably from."

sleestak.jpg

·        02-18-2016, 08:06 PM

Rivers

I lost it at work today on Jimmy's dream. Thanks Cooter this thread is great!

·        02-18-2016, 09:31 PM

SouthernThunder

5 stars! Dirtbike is awesome.

·        02-18-2016, 10:39 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:


Originally Posted by Rivers 

I lost it at work today on Jimmy's dream. Thanks Cooter this thread is great!


I know, right. I can't decide what is funnier. John Goldman, dirt bike. Or that jimmy is really happy the bridge looks good.

·        02-18-2016, 11:06 PM

cactusflinthead

Quote:


You're pressing buttons that your body can't cash.

Four score and seven years ago our fore fathers set aside a buncha land.

State of the ark television.


So much gold. If there was a TV show with Jimmy as a character I would watch it.

·        02-22-2016, 12:42 PM

CooterBrown

"Scott brought me back a rock from Alaska. It wasn't even a new rock!"

·        02-22-2016, 12:45 PM

Chad Fuck

Quote:


Originally Posted by cactusflinthead 

So much gold. If there was a TV show with Jimmy as a character I would watch it.


Shit My Jimmy Says.

This thread is the best thing on Shag in a while.

·        02-24-2016, 10:07 AM

CooterBrown

"Is it against the rules in girl basketball to slam dunk?"

"What's it called in basketball when they shoot from the half moon?"

"Ya know, football takes talent, but basketball, that takes skill"

·        02-24-2016, 10:08 AM

CooterBrown

"You gonna go see Batman vs Superman vs Man?"

"Wonder Woman is in it too, or at least a woman flying around with a shield"

·        02-24-2016, 10:09 AM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Is it against the rules in girl basketball to slam dunk?"

"What's it called in basketball when they shoot from the half moon?"

"Ya know, football takes talent, but basketball, that takes skill"


God damn modern day Confuscious is what he is......

·        02-24-2016, 10:09 AM

zepol87

What a way to start the day Haha 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        02-24-2016, 03:08 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"You gonna go see Batman vs Superman vs Man?"

"Wonder Woman is in it too, or at least a woman flying around with a shield"


Yes!

·        02-24-2016, 04:42 PM

Red Five

"Man vs Superman. I wonder if that's the one where he fought the Mole People" - Sam Malone

·        02-24-2016, 04:43 PM

BlueGreySky06

Jimmy for Poet Laureate.

·        02-24-2016, 10:54 PM

SouthernThunder

A coffee book with THujone MS paint along with Jimmyisms is a dream of mine.

·        02-24-2016, 11:21 PM

SBBruin

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"You gonna go see Batman vs Superman vs Man?"

"Wonder Woman is in it too, or at least a woman flying around with a shield"


You're not trolling us, are you Cooter?

·        02-25-2016, 02:12 AM

NorthLoop

Quote:


Originally Posted by SouthernThunder 

A coffee book with THujone MS paint along with Jimmyisms is a dream of mine.


I bet we could make that happen

·        02-25-2016, 02:15 PM

CooterBrown

"I was the 3rd Billy Goat in the Billy Goat Gruffs".

·        02-25-2016, 02:34 PM

Kyrie Eleison

4pbS5Sg.gif

·        02-25-2016, 02:35 PM

ifiwaspresident

Jimmy is a guilty pleasure of mine. I don't mind admitting it.

·        03-03-2016, 12:20 AM

Gardner Barnes

It's been too long without a Jimmy update.

·        03-03-2016, 09:42 AM

CooterBrown

Jimmy's out this week so no updates unfortunately.

However, he did tell us that he once had to get stitches on both ass cheeks. His brother convinced him to let him set off some black cat firecrackers on his bare ass. He was 34.

·        03-03-2016, 10:58 AM

The Lake Worth Monster

Jimmy,

Thanks for the memories.

·        03-09-2016, 09:14 AM

CooterBrown

Jimmy was talking in some accent.

Super Chief: "What is that supposed to be?"

Jimmy: "Italian. You know like the ninja turtles."

SC: "They were from New York."

Jimmy: "Little Italy."



"I stayed with my first wife way longer than I should have. She made really good tortillas."


"Well, I'm now batting for the other team."

SC: "uh, what?"

"Had to get glasses."

·        03-09-2016, 09:30 AM

BlueGreySky06

maybe it's the lack of jimmyisms in the last week but damn those are some good ones.

he had to pronounce italian, eye-tal-yun, right?

Bottom of Form

·        02-11-2016, 11:51 AM

TexasEd

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

ICP is one of his favorites.

I just went back there and asked everyone how magnets work. Jimmy was the first to answer: "They repulse each other."



I thought there was a strong correlation between Jimmyisms and potential ICP lyrics.
Just a little disappointed that the answer wasn't "Miracles".

·        02-11-2016, 12:22 PM

Liquor and Poker

Quote:


Originally Posted by Soul Glo 

I know a girl who went on a job interview and was asked what she felt like she could bring to the party, and she responded "well, I could probably bring paper plates and plastic forks and napkins."

Same girl thinks it is the excess road and not the access road. She also thinks the Nixons song is "sisters in ICU" instead of "Sister I see you"


Like we are just out there trying to figure out where to place all this goddamn excess road.


First one could be spun into a smart comeback to a really stupid interview question.

·        02-11-2016, 12:24 PM

Celery Man

Quote:


I emailed Glue......uuuh........Elmer. I keep wanting to call him Elmo.


Love it.

Hey Jimmy.


·        02-11-2016, 12:25 PM

Liquor and Poker

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

I just realized that Jimmy's dream sounds like bad Hemingway.


Agreed. I immediately thought of those weird pieces that used to appear on Barking Carnival where Mack Brown and Greg Davis would go fishing and shit. There was always a line in there like "as long as the football is good." Also bad Hemingway.

·        02-11-2016, 02:57 PM

CooterBrown

"If you're watching TV and someone walks in front of you and you don't see them, is that person really there?"

·        02-11-2016, 03:01 PM

irishtexan

 

·        02-11-2016, 03:02 PM

Robin Masters

Jimmy's tao game is strong.

·        02-18-2016, 07:42 AM

CooterBrown

"Yo Monkey John, wanna trade bananas?"

·        02-18-2016, 08:23 AM

Kyrie Eleison

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Yo Monkey John, wanna trade bananas?"


whether metaphor or literal, the answer is yes...yes i do. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

·        02-18-2016, 08:43 AM

zepol87

Fucking love Jimmy

·        02-18-2016, 09:29 AM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by Kyrie Eleison 

whether metaphor or literal, the answer is yes...yes i do. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



You just accepted an offer to meet in the stalls at yer local greyhound bus terminal

·        02-18-2016, 09:35 AM

workswithseed

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Yo Monkey John, wanna trade bananas?"


Monkey John?

·        02-18-2016, 09:44 AM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by workswithseed 

Monkey John?


There's no one named John in the office. No idea who he was talking to. It was on the text file this morning.

·        02-18-2016, 10:04 AM

Celery Man

image.jpg1_zpszgkokqjc.jpg

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

·        02-18-2016, 10:58 AM

irishtexan

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

There's no one named John in the office. No idea who he was talking to. It was on the text file this morning.


There's a shared file where everyone in the office shares Jimmyisms? I want to hang out with Jimmy so bad.

·        02-18-2016, 11:10 AM

hullabelew

This one kills me: Sounds like something the real Ernest T. Bass would say. Or maybe even our Ernest T. 

Quote:


the Jimmy pre-proposal: "tell you what. You get yourself a job, I'll marry you up."


·        02-18-2016, 11:53 AM

llanoflash

thank the lawd. this thread disappeared to page 2. was nearly in a panic cooter forgot about all of jimmy's fans.

·        02-18-2016, 01:31 PM

TTomTerrific

I am sorry that I waited so long to open this thread.

This is fantastic.

·        02-18-2016, 02:32 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by hullabelew 

How many people keep add to the Jimmy txt file?


All 8 that sit back in that cube farm update the text file. What's sad is that it was created in '12 but I hired Jimmy in '10 so we missed out of 2 years of Jimmyisms.

·        02-18-2016, 02:35 PM

CooterBrown

"My girl is sweet. Talked chicken fried steak & mash tadors and is making it. Last meal talks works."

·        02-18-2016, 02:37 PM

zepol87

Every office needs a Jimmy. This is real team building 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        02-18-2016, 02:44 PM

CooterBrown

"That lizard planet they found...that's where Omama (Obama) is probably from."

·        02-18-2016, 02:46 PM

MissingInAction

Ok, I am using Omama from this point forward. That is just pure fucking poetry.

·        02-18-2016, 02:47 PM

SBBruin

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"That lizard planet they found...that's where Omama (Obama) is probably from."


http://www.klphelps.com/wp-content/u...4/sleestak.jpg

·        02-18-2016, 08:06 PM

Rivers

I lost it at work today on Jimmy's dream. Thanks Cooter this thread is great!

·        02-18-2016, 09:31 PM

SouthernThunder

5 stars! Dirtbike is awesome.

·        02-18-2016, 10:39 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:


Originally Posted by Rivers 

I lost it at work today on Jimmy's dream. Thanks Cooter this thread is great!


I know, right. I can't decide what is funnier. John Goldman, dirt bike. Or that jimmy is really happy the bridge looks good.

·        02-18-2016, 11:06 PM

cactusflinthead

Quote:


You're pressing buttons that your body can't cash.

Four score and seven years ago our fore fathers set aside a buncha land.

State of the ark television.


So much gold. If there was a TV show with Jimmy as a character I would watch it.

·        02-22-2016, 12:42 PM

CooterBrown

"Scott brought me back a rock from Alaska. It wasn't even a new rock!"

·        02-22-2016, 12:45 PM

Chad Fuck

Quote:


Originally Posted by cactusflinthead 

So much gold. If there was a TV show with Jimmy as a character I would watch it.


Shit My Jimmy Says.

This thread is the best thing on Shag in a while.

·        02-24-2016, 10:07 AM

CooterBrown

"Is it against the rules in girl basketball to slam dunk?"

"What's it called in basketball when they shoot from the half moon?"

"Ya know, football takes talent, but basketball, that takes skill"

·        02-24-2016, 10:08 AM

CooterBrown

"You gonna go see Batman vs Superman vs Man?"

"Wonder Woman is in it too, or at least a woman flying around with a shield"

·        02-24-2016, 10:09 AM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Is it against the rules in girl basketball to slam dunk?"

"What's it called in basketball when they shoot from the half moon?"

"Ya know, football takes talent, but basketball, that takes skill"


God damn modern day Confuscious is what he is......

·        02-24-2016, 10:09 AM

zepol87

What a way to start the day Haha 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        02-24-2016, 03:08 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"You gonna go see Batman vs Superman vs Man?"

"Wonder Woman is in it too, or at least a woman flying around with a shield"


Yes!

·        02-24-2016, 04:42 PM

Red Five

"Man vs Superman. I wonder if that's the one where he fought the Mole People" - Sam Malone

·        02-24-2016, 04:43 PM

BlueGreySky06

Jimmy for Poet Laureate.

·        02-24-2016, 10:54 PM

SouthernThunder

A coffee book with THujone MS paint along with Jimmyisms is a dream of mine.

·        02-24-2016, 11:21 PM

SBBruin

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"You gonna go see Batman vs Superman vs Man?"

"Wonder Woman is in it too, or at least a woman flying around with a shield"


You're not trolling us, are you Cooter?

·        02-25-2016, 02:12 AM

NorthLoop

Quote:


Originally Posted by SouthernThunder 

A coffee book with THujone MS paint along with Jimmyisms is a dream of mine.


I bet we could make that happen

·        02-25-2016, 02:15 PM

CooterBrown

"I was the 3rd Billy Goat in the Billy Goat Gruffs".

·        02-25-2016, 02:34 PM

Kyrie Eleison

4pbS5Sg.gif

·        02-25-2016, 02:35 PM

ifiwaspresident

Jimmy is a guilty pleasure of mine. I don't mind admitting it.

·        03-03-2016, 12:20 AM

Gardner Barnes

It's been too long without a Jimmy update.

·        03-03-2016, 09:42 AM

CooterBrown

Jimmy's out this week so no updates unfortunately.

However, he did tell us that he once had to get stitches on both ass cheeks. His brother convinced him to let him set off some black cat firecrackers on his bare ass. He was 34.

·        03-03-2016, 10:58 AM

The Lake Worth Monster

Jimmy,

Thanks for the memories.

·        03-09-2016, 09:14 AM

CooterBrown

Jimmy was talking in some accent.

Super Chief: "What is that supposed to be?"

Jimmy: "Italian. You know like the ninja turtles."

SC: "They were from New York."

Jimmy: "Little Italy."



"I stayed with my first wife way longer than I should have. She made really good tortillas."


"Well, I'm now batting for the other team."

SC: "uh, what?"

"Had to get glasses."

·        03-09-2016, 09:30 AM

BlueGreySky06

maybe it's the lack of jimmyisms in the last week but damn those are some good ones.

he had to pronounce italian, eye-tal-yun, right?

Bottom of Form

·        04-01-2016, 04:03 PM

unklphucker

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Does anyone else have the ability to taste and smell colors?"


Sent this to a co-worker, their reply was "Skittles".

·        04-01-2016, 04:59 PM

Dennis Taylor

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Interpret this dream I had:

I'm sitting on a beach with John Goodman on a beach towel. We're in Mexico. Across the way they're building a bridge to Texas. 

Goodman tells me 'Dirt bike is a good nickname name for you."

I say 'I'm really happy. The bridge looks good."

Goodman says, 'I'm really happy too, Dirt Bike.'


I'm dying about the Goodman reference because I already had a mental image of Jimmy as the 3rd Snoats brother

·        04-02-2016, 09:47 PM

Rex Kramer

Quote:


Originally Posted by Kyrie Eleison 

his ass needs to be in customer service or sales...he'd make y'all a shitload of money.


No shit. I've got a good friend whose family owns a country club / high-end residential development near Boerne. His former HS golf coach was their top real estate salesman. He was hired because while he leads his life in a train wreck manner, his is literally the funniest guy I've ever met, he is the quickest-witted guy I know, and he endears himself to everyone. People would pay a million dollars for a lot because this guy sold it to them. He's not the smartest guy in the world, but the dumb shit he says was definitely a bit to keep his legend growing. 

Sounds like Jimmy may be like that. Not sure. Harris was definitely doing a bit. If he's functional at the office, he's doing bits. But who cares? He's funny as shit (I just discovered this thread today - wow). You need to put him in whatever sales role you can, and then up your D&O policies.

·        04-02-2016, 09:50 PM

Rex Kramer

Also, there was a girl that worked with him that collected the stupid shit he'd say and email it to me monthly. They sound very similar except Harris was highly aware of the stupid shit he was saying. Not sure about Jimmy.

·        04-03-2016, 07:36 AM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by Rippin' lips 

I've had blind people tell me they can hear colors.


Blind drunk ?

·        04-03-2016, 08:13 AM

Dutchrudder

I got my earphones out and started googling stuff from the OP expecting to find these quotes from a tv show I have never seen. This is some great OC. Jimmy is an oracle of shaggyisms. Bravo!

·        04-04-2016, 09:20 AM

CooterBrown

"Tina told me my mouth was writing checks my ass can't cash. I told her, 'babe, my ass is shitting out hunnerds all over creation.' "

·        04-04-2016, 09:22 AM

MissingInAction

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Tina told me my mouth was writing checks my ass can't cash. I told her, 'babe, my ass is shitting out hunnerds all over creation.' "


I don't have any tattoos, but that would be the first if I ever got the balls to do it.

·        04-04-2016, 09:40 AM

zepol87

Fucking greatness 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        04-04-2016, 10:18 AM

workswithseed

Dirt Bike! Dirt Bike! Dirt Bike!

·        04-05-2016, 09:29 AM

CooterBrown

Jimmy singing..."I can see cleeeeeaaarly noooooow with glaaaaasses oooon. That song is from the 50's and the 60's."

·        04-05-2016, 09:31 AM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

Jimmy singing..."I can see cleeeeeaaarly noooooow with glaaaaasses oooon. That song is from the 50's and the 60's."


A got damn American Icon I tell ya.

·        04-05-2016, 09:36 AM

ifiwaspresident

Honestly, I don't think I'm engaging in hyperbole when I say Jimmy is a legitimate candidate for Poet Laureate.

·        04-05-2016, 10:50 AM

Rex Kramer

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Tina told me my mouth was writing checks my ass can't cash. I told her, 'babe, my ass is shitting out hunnerds all over creation.' "


This line has me laughing the hardest out of all Jimmy-isms. This is great. God I wish my wife would say the above to me so I can recreate this line. The fact that he uses "creation" is icing on a damn good cake.

·        04-05-2016, 12:23 PM

unklphucker

I'd be in favor of an "ask Jimmy anything" segment here.

·        04-06-2016, 09:00 AM

MissingInAction

I would love to hear dirt bike's take on Nacho Urias the Waxahachie Playboy Party animal.

·        04-06-2016, 09:51 AM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

I would love to hear dirt bike's take on Nacho Urias the Waxahachie Playboy Party animal.


I'd imagine he is that guy.

·        04-06-2016, 02:30 PM

CooterBrown

"Saw a tomato-potato plant from QVC. Tomatoes on top, potatoes on bottom. Same plant. That's why it's a tomato-potato plant not a potato-tomato plant."

·        04-06-2016, 02:30 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by MissingInAction 

I would love to hear dirt bike's take on Nacho Urias the Waxahachie Playboy Party animal.


Nacho unfriended him. No idea why.

·        04-06-2016, 02:34 PM

Celery Man

You'd see a guy like Jimmy and think, "I bet this guy watches Wrestlemania". You'd be wrong, though. He watches ants. And QVC.

·        04-06-2016, 02:59 PM

Stilicho

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Saw a tomato-potato plant from QVC. Tomatoes on top, potatoes on bottom. Same plant. That's why it's a tomato-potato plant not a potato-tomato plant."


Mind. Blown.

·        04-06-2016, 05:14 PM

Robin Masters

I had to go trust but verify on this
http://www.qvc.com/Cottage-Farms-Ket...ct.M48962.html

I'd like to say I'll never doubt again, but I will.

"Same plant."

·        04-13-2016, 03:30 PM

CooterBrown

"They look like brothers. Or twins. ...which would be brothers."

"Do they have allergies in other places or is it an Austin thing?"

"My pecker's sore."

·        04-13-2016, 04:01 PM

J.R.

oh dirt bike

·        04-13-2016, 04:13 PM

Celery Man

My pecker's sore too, dirt bike.

·        04-13-2016, 04:27 PM

The Chrisser

There is a very Jack Handey-esque "Deep Thoughts" quality to Dirt Bike's musings. Me likey!

·        04-13-2016, 04:27 PM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by Celery Man 

My pecker's sore too, dirt bike.


Well stop playing with it ya moron....

·        04-13-2016, 04:28 PM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by The Chrisser 

There is a very Jack Handey-esque "Deep Thoughts" quality to Dirt Bike's musings. Me likey!


Handy was a TV character, Jimmy is for realzz.

·        04-13-2016, 04:34 PM

The Chrisser

Quote:


Originally Posted by OnBoard 

Handy was a TV character, Jimmy is for realzz.


Um, I'm pretty sure Handy was a famous 20th century philosophizer.

·        04-13-2016, 04:46 PM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by The Chrisser 

Um, I'm pretty sure Handy was a famous 20th century philosophizer.


Yeah my bad, what was I thinking.....

He should get a reality TV philosophizing series

·        04-13-2016, 08:15 PM

MAUFRAIS

Quote:


Originally Posted by OnBoard 

Handy was a TV character, Jimmy is for realzz.


not only is jack handey a real guy and that is his real name, but he is from texas.

·        04-21-2016, 01:23 PM

CooterBrown

"Marijuana is a stairway drug."

"If you think come up with Trumpumisms...sell them to Trump, he'd buy them...dumpthetrump.com. It's a money maker. Sure thing."


Jimmy's latest dream:

"I was in Mexico walking down a street. Some cops are throwing a lady against a wall. I think I'd just be razor scootering on the other side. Then 3 guys tried to fight me. I beat them to death with the razor scooter."

·        04-21-2016, 05:06 PM

Suck Brickland

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Marijuana is a stairway drug."


This is what genius looks like.

·        04-21-2016, 06:09 PM

·        04-21-2016, 06:44 PM

zepol87

Razor scooter is greatness 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        04-21-2016, 11:41 PM

Prepuce of Doom

Jimmy's dreams seem to have a common theme of including childrens' conveyances.

·        04-22-2016, 03:54 AM

Bath Salt Dealer

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 


"Do they have allergies in other places or is it an Austin thing?"
"


I thought this was a real thing. Don't doctors tell people with bad allergies to move to Arizona or some shit? If I have a bit of Jimmyism thinking I consider that good and will own it for sure.

·        04-22-2016, 09:06 AM

CooterBrown

"Honey, why don't you get over here and jimmy my jimmy jimmy."

·        04-22-2016, 01:09 PM

CooterBrown

(group discussion on credit card theft)

Jimmy interrupting: "There was this teacher...trainer...boot ca-fit bit gal in Dallas. Killed in church by a SWAT policeman."

Scott: "What the hell does that have to do with credit cards?"

Jimmy: "They're both illegal."

Paul: "The killer was fake SWAT."

Jimmy: "The knee pads made it. That's how you know he was SWAT."

·        04-22-2016, 01:22 PM

BlueGreySky06

jimmy my jimmy jimmy. classic.

·        04-22-2016, 02:09 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

sweet, sweet jimmy

·        04-25-2016, 09:18 AM

CooterBrown

"I used to be able to write so small, only an ant could read it!"

"Growing up I had a telescope. Never saw no flag on the moon. That's how I know it's fake...for mind control."

·        04-25-2016, 09:42 AM

Robin Masters

ROFLLL, of course he thinks moon landings fake, you didn't even have to tell us.
Still I'd like to believe this was his telescope growing up

http://news.utexas.edu/sites/news.ut...t_aerial_2.jpg

·        04-25-2016, 10:16 AM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

(group discussion on credit card theft)

Jimmy interrupting: "There was this teacher...trainer...boot ca-fit bit gal in Dallas. Killed in church by a SWAT policeman."

Scott: "What the hell does that have to do with credit cards?"

Jimmy: "They're both illegal."

Paul: "The killer was fake SWAT."

Jimmy: "The knee pads made it. That's how you know he was SWAT."


This is my second favorite story behind dirtbike. I can image the faces in the room looked something like Jaguars guy. 
KMzYj.gif

·        04-25-2016, 10:54 AM

Chad Fuck

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I used to be able to write so small, only an ant could read it!"

"Growing up I had a telescope. Never saw no flag on the moon. That's how I know it's fake...for mind control."


I need this printed on a T-shirt beneath the Nasa logo.

·        04-25-2016, 11:06 AM

ihateowho

Ramjets head is going to explode when he reads that

·        04-25-2016, 11:32 AM

DeftwillP

Shittin hunnerts all over creation. Damn.

·        04-25-2016, 12:28 PM

unklphucker

Somewhere deep in an ant hill are the sacred scrolls given to them by their messiah, the one they call "Dirt Bike". The ants will rise again!

·        04-25-2016, 12:31 PM

workswithseed

Quote:


Originally Posted by unklphucker 

Somewhere deep in an ant hill are the sacred scrolls given to them by their messiah, the one they call "Dirt Bike". The ants will rise again!


W for all ants? Maybe he'll teach RIFAs to stop taking overy the damn state, as well as crazy ants .

·        04-26-2016, 11:21 AM

CooterBrown

"I cut back on beer. Except when I don't. When I don't, I really don't. Other than that, I don't drink much anymore."

Bottom of Form

·        04-26-2016, 11:48 AM

Dillo Pad

Does jimmy have a twitter account?

·        04-26-2016, 12:29 PM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I cut back on beer. Except when I don't. When I don't, I really don't. Other than that, I don't drink much anymore."


There are truths and then there are truths. This is the latter.

·        04-26-2016, 12:58 PM

Chad Fuck

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I cut back on beer. Except when I don't. When I don't, I really don't. Other than that, I don't drink much anymore."


Everyday I think I've seen the mother of all Jimmyisms. And then...

·        04-26-2016, 01:25 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by Dillo Pad 

Does jimmy have a twitter account?


I just asked. Nope.

·        04-26-2016, 01:28 PM

YChang

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

I just asked. Nope.


Does he know what it is?

·        04-26-2016, 05:37 PM

BlueGreySky06

you should offer to set one up for him.

·        04-26-2016, 06:02 PM

Bevo Num1

Quote:


Originally Posted by unklphucker 

Somewhere deep in an ant hill are the sacred scrolls given to them by their messiah, the one they call "Dirt Bike". The ants will rise again!


Maybe we're the ants and some cosmic Jimmy has written the secrets to the universe that we have yet to discover or maybe the writing is too big for us to notice.

·        04-28-2016, 02:51 PM

CooterBrown

"he was part of the Brat Pack, ya know... that one guy who played in that movie with Cuba Downey Jr."

"time to button down the hatches"

"I'm gonna find out if my way is the highway or if the highway is the right way."

·        04-28-2016, 03:05 PM

Celery Man

It's like... you don't pack that much wisdom into malapropisms if you don't have something to say.

Fucking Cuba Downey Jr. Because he has three names like Robert Downey Jr., and in that one movie he played a guy with downs?

·        04-28-2016, 06:27 PM

Chewbacca

"I'm gonna find out if my way is the highway or if the highway is the right way." 

This one is just killing me. I love Dirt Bike.

·        04-30-2016, 12:00 AM

TexasEd

Quote:


Originally Posted by BlueGreySky06 

you should offer to set one up for him.


Twitter handle should be Dirt Bike

·        05-01-2016, 09:20 AM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:


Originally Posted by TexasEd 

Twitter handle should be Dirt Bike


Dirt bike is perfect for Twitter.

·        05-01-2016, 02:56 PM

DeftwillP

@therealdirtbike

·        05-01-2016, 03:14 PM

workswithseed

Quote:


Originally Posted by DeftwillP 

@therealdirtbike


Boom! Do it!

·        05-01-2016, 03:55 PM

CooterBrown

Eh. It's better on shaggy. Twitter sucks.

·        05-02-2016, 12:30 PM

CooterBrown

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

·        05-02-2016, 12:38 PM

Stilicho

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."


... I want to know what he's seen. I want to know. I want to believe.

·        05-02-2016, 12:55 PM

lurch

The sheer amount of material is staggering. You have to assume a good chunk of it is never written down, either.

·        05-02-2016, 01:14 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by lurch 

The sheer amount of material is staggering. You have to assume a good chunk of it is never written down, either.


The list wasn't started until more than 2 years into Jimmy's employment so hundreds have been lost. Also, there's a lot of long stories that are impossible to document. For example, at lunch Jimmy stopped by my office and was talking about fighting people with broken glass glued to his hands like in Bloodsport and something about teaching skills to his son. I don't even know how to start with that one.

·        05-02-2016, 01:26 PM

trey3216

Quote:


Originally Posted by DeftwillP 

Shittin hunnerts all over creation. Damn.


The only thing missing is if he had said 'crenation', i'd have had heart failure.

·        05-02-2016, 01:29 PM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

I don't even know how to start with that one.


From the beginning my man, from the beginning.

·        05-02-2016, 01:30 PM

trey3216

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."


I may have to quit working for the day, literally can't stop laughing about this one.

·        05-02-2016, 01:38 PM

unklphucker

Sounds like he got a look at Hope Solo.

·        05-02-2016, 03:15 PM

BlueGreySky06

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 


Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."


holy fuck this one slayed me.

·        05-02-2016, 04:49 PM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by BlueGreySky06 

holy fuck this one slayed me.


I'm betting Jimmys antics have been on the end of things being seen as well.

·        05-02-2016, 05:02 PM

Xian

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."


this honestly might be the funniest thing i have ever read on the Shag

·        05-02-2016, 05:47 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:


Originally Posted by Xian 

this honestly might be the funniest thing i have ever read on the Shag



Agree. this one finally topped the dirtbike story.

·        05-03-2016, 09:20 AM

Dillo Pad

Cooter you need to register @dirtbike and start putting this out there for the masses.

·        05-03-2016, 10:05 AM

Red Five

Cooter can you please get the original poisoning story? TIA

·        05-03-2016, 01:08 PM

BlueGreySky06

^^^ what he said.

·        05-03-2016, 02:27 PM

CheeseWeasel

"The original poisoning story". 

Beautiful.

·        05-03-2016, 02:49 PM

CooterBrown

"I used to go to Eyore's Birthday Party. Liked me some drum circles. I was good. Not Celine Dion good but at least Kenny G good. What do you call those people? Furbies? Lots of furbies going on."

·        05-03-2016, 03:05 PM

CooterBrown

He just told us The Original Poisoning Story...hopefully, my transcribing does it justice...

"So back when I first started seeing Tina (current wife) my ex called me to come over to her apartment. We'd been separated for like 6 months. She forged my name on a lease at Mansions of Steiner Ranch. We are talking divorce stuff. She offers me a beer. I thought it was weird since she never once offered to get me a beer while we were married. I drank it. She then asked me if I wanted another, so I drank a 2nd beer. Then she asked again...now I'm thinking she's trying to win Jimmy back but nope I got the good stuff at home now. I drink a 3rd. I start to feel a little sick so I go out on the back patio. I look down in the beer and it's foaming up a thick white foam. I keep drinking. She brings me another and I keep drinking. This one is foaming up too. She then locks me out on the patio and yells at me "Fuck you you motherfucker! If you want out you need to jump!" I look down, it's a long ways. Like 30 or 40 feet. I lay down on the patio. I then wake up standing up in the living room. I don't know if I jumped or if she let me back in. Her new boyfriend, now ex-husband is there. He tells me to leave. I call Tina to come get since I didn't have a car and used a taxi to get there. Next thing I know I'm out in the woods. I guess I just started walking. Tina finally found me on the side of the road a few hours later. The next morning my ex called and said she was sorry for trying to kill me but at the moment she felt it was the proper thing to do.

·        05-03-2016, 03:11 PM

DeftwillP

Ad Hawk. It's Latin for Incredible Hulk

This is why we need über....for the jimmies out there who get poisoned by 3rd wives

·        05-03-2016, 03:11 PM

ihateowho

giphy.gif

 

·        05-03-2016, 03:19 PM

lurch

Quote:


I don't know if I jumped or if she let me back in


That's the most sane part of the story.

·        05-03-2016, 03:37 PM

BlueGreySky06

jimmy's life NEEDS to be a movie. 

i don't know if it's right or not, but i mostly read his stuff with this guy's character/voice,


http://i1.wp.com/geargods.net/wp-con...fit=690%2C1024

·        05-03-2016, 04:30 PM

Captain Obvious

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

He just told us The Original Poisoning Story...hopefully, my transcribing does it justice...

"So back when I first started seeing Tina (current wife) my ex called me to come over to her apartment. We'd been separated for like 6 months. She forged my name on a lease at Mansions of Steiner Ranch. We are talking divorce stuff. She offers me a beer. I thought it was weird since she never once offered to get me a beer while we were married. I drank it. She then asked me if I wanted another, so I drank a 2nd beer. Then she asked again...now I'm thinking she's trying to win Jimmy back but nope I got the good stuff at home now. I drink a 3rd. I start to feel a little sick so I go out on the back patio. I look down in the beer and it's foaming up a thick white foam. I keep drinking. She brings me another and I keep drinking. This one is foaming up too. She then locks me out on the patio and yells at me "$#@! you you $#@!! If you want out you need to jump!" I look down, it's a long ways. Like 30 or 40 feet. I lay down on the patio. I then wake up standing up in the living room. I don't know if I jumped or if she let me back in. Her new boyfriend, now ex-husband is there. He tells me to leave. I call Tina to come get since I didn't have a car and used a taxi to get there. Next thing I know I'm out in the woods. I guess I just started walking. Tina finally found me on the side of the road a few hours later. The next morning my ex called and said she was sorry for trying to kill me but at the moment she felt it was the proper thing to do.


It must never have occurred to Jimmy that maybe the beer wasn't poisoned and his ex-wife just figured he'd take her up on the offer to jump. I mean, I wouldn't have been shocked if he opted to jump without drinking the beer.

Still, I'm glad he didn't jump because now we have this glorious thread.

·        05-03-2016, 04:33 PM

Thermos H Christ

And this same woman later baked him a birthday cake? Yeah, he probably should have been suspicious.

·        05-03-2016, 05:21 PM

llanoflash

"I'm gonna find out if my way is the highway or if the highway is the right way." 

Yogi Berra my ass. 
Dirt Bike rules.

·        05-03-2016, 05:52 PM

SmokeBomb

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."


I just read this thread and this quote is the funniest thing I've read on Shaggy. I was literally crying laughing. By itself it isn't all that funny but after reading up on ole dirt bike, it's perfect.

·        05-03-2016, 06:23 PM

Chad Fuck

Quote:


Originally Posted by Captain Obvious 

It must never have occurred to Jimmy that maybe the beer wasn't poisoned and his ex-wife just figured he'd take her up on the offer to jump. I mean, I wouldn't have been shocked if he opted to jump without drinking the beer.

Still, I'm glad he didn't jump because now we have this glorious thread.


Do you really think four beers are enough to fuck up Dirt Bike?

·        05-03-2016, 06:45 PM

Robin Masters

I would pay you to work in Jimmy's department for a week.

·        05-03-2016, 06:47 PM

Captain Obvious

Quote:


Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

I would pay you to work in Jimmy's department for a week.


Working with Jimmy should at least net an endless supply of unpaid interns. Your company (or just you) needs to take advantage of the situation.

·        05-04-2016, 07:52 AM

Tuco Ramirez

I think it's funny he keeps drinking after feeling sick and noticing something off about the beer. There is something Homer and giant sub about that.

·        05-04-2016, 12:12 PM

CooterBrown

"Hey Lisa, what's the vegetarian version of chicken fried steak? Portamellow mushrooms?"


J: "Pop a willy!"
S: "It's wheelie."
J: "Not the willy I'm talking about."

·        05-04-2016, 12:27 PM

zepol87

Jimmy makes my day 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        05-04-2016, 12:30 PM

HenryJames

Jimmy's playing chess while the rest of us play checkers.

·        05-04-2016, 01:06 PM

trey3216

Quote:


Originally Posted by HenryJames 

Jimmy's playing chess while the rest of us play checkers.


Jimmy's playing mahjong while the rest of us play uno.

·        05-04-2016, 01:28 PM

Red Five

Welp, they're portamellow from here on out.

Bottom of Form

·        04-26-2016, 11:48 AM

Dillo Pad

Does jimmy have a twitter account?

·        04-26-2016, 12:29 PM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I cut back on beer. Except when I don't. When I don't, I really don't. Other than that, I don't drink much anymore."


There are truths and then there are truths. This is the latter.

·        04-26-2016, 12:58 PM

Chad Fuck

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"I cut back on beer. Except when I don't. When I don't, I really don't. Other than that, I don't drink much anymore."


Everyday I think I've seen the mother of all Jimmyisms. And then...

·        04-26-2016, 01:25 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by Dillo Pad 

Does jimmy have a twitter account?


I just asked. Nope.

·        04-26-2016, 01:28 PM

YChang

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

I just asked. Nope.


Does he know what it is?

·        04-26-2016, 05:37 PM

BlueGreySky06

you should offer to set one up for him.

·        04-26-2016, 06:02 PM

Bevo Num1

Quote:


Originally Posted by unklphucker 

Somewhere deep in an ant hill are the sacred scrolls given to them by their messiah, the one they call "Dirt Bike". The ants will rise again!


Maybe we're the ants and some cosmic Jimmy has written the secrets to the universe that we have yet to discover or maybe the writing is too big for us to notice.

·        04-28-2016, 02:51 PM

CooterBrown

"he was part of the Brat Pack, ya know... that one guy who played in that movie with Cuba Downey Jr."

"time to button down the hatches"

"I'm gonna find out if my way is the highway or if the highway is the right way."

·        04-28-2016, 03:05 PM

Celery Man

It's like... you don't pack that much wisdom into malapropisms if you don't have something to say.

Fucking Cuba Downey Jr. Because he has three names like Robert Downey Jr., and in that one movie he played a guy with downs?

·        04-28-2016, 06:27 PM

Chewbacca

"I'm gonna find out if my way is the highway or if the highway is the right way." 

This one is just killing me. I love Dirt Bike.

·        04-30-2016, 12:00 AM

TexasEd

Quote:


Originally Posted by BlueGreySky06 

you should offer to set one up for him.


Twitter handle should be Dirt Bike

·        05-01-2016, 09:20 AM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:


Originally Posted by TexasEd 

Twitter handle should be Dirt Bike


Dirt bike is perfect for Twitter.

·        05-01-2016, 02:56 PM

DeftwillP

@therealdirtbike

·        05-01-2016, 03:14 PM

workswithseed

Quote:


Originally Posted by DeftwillP 

@therealdirtbike


Boom! Do it!

·        05-01-2016, 03:55 PM

CooterBrown

Eh. It's better on shaggy. Twitter sucks.

·        05-02-2016, 12:30 PM

CooterBrown

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."

·        05-02-2016, 12:38 PM

Stilicho

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."


... I want to know what he's seen. I want to know. I want to believe.

·        05-02-2016, 12:55 PM

lurch

The sheer amount of material is staggering. You have to assume a good chunk of it is never written down, either.

·        05-02-2016, 01:14 PM

CooterBrown

Quote:


Originally Posted by lurch 

The sheer amount of material is staggering. You have to assume a good chunk of it is never written down, either.


The list wasn't started until more than 2 years into Jimmy's employment so hundreds have been lost. Also, there's a lot of long stories that are impossible to document. For example, at lunch Jimmy stopped by my office and was talking about fighting people with broken glass glued to his hands like in Bloodsport and something about teaching skills to his son. I don't even know how to start with that one.

·        05-02-2016, 01:26 PM

trey3216

Quote:


Originally Posted by DeftwillP 

Shittin hunnerts all over creation. Damn.


The only thing missing is if he had said 'crenation', i'd have had heart failure.

·        05-02-2016, 01:29 PM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

I don't even know how to start with that one.


From the beginning my man, from the beginning.

·        05-02-2016, 01:30 PM

trey3216

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."


I may have to quit working for the day, literally can't stop laughing about this one.

·        05-02-2016, 01:38 PM

unklphucker

Sounds like he got a look at Hope Solo.

·        05-02-2016, 03:15 PM

BlueGreySky06

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 


Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."


holy fuck this one slayed me.

·        05-02-2016, 04:49 PM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by BlueGreySky06 

holy fuck this one slayed me.


I'm betting Jimmys antics have been on the end of things being seen as well.

·        05-02-2016, 05:02 PM

Xian

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"My ex wife once sent me a birthday cake at work. I put it in the break room so anybody could get a piece. Later I remembered she had poisoned me before."

"What these guys do..did...done...still do..."

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."


this honestly might be the funniest thing i have ever read on the Shag

·        05-02-2016, 05:47 PM

Gardner Barnes

Quote:


Originally Posted by Xian 

this honestly might be the funniest thing i have ever read on the Shag



Agree. this one finally topped the dirtbike story.

·        05-03-2016, 09:20 AM

Dillo Pad

Cooter you need to register @dirtbike and start putting this out there for the masses.

·        05-03-2016, 10:05 AM

Red Five

Cooter can you please get the original poisoning story? TIA

·        05-03-2016, 01:08 PM

BlueGreySky06

^^^ what he said.

·        05-03-2016, 02:27 PM

CheeseWeasel

"The original poisoning story". 

Beautiful.

·        05-03-2016, 02:49 PM

CooterBrown

"I used to go to Eyore's Birthday Party. Liked me some drum circles. I was good. Not Celine Dion good but at least Kenny G good. What do you call those people? Furbies? Lots of furbies going on."

·        05-03-2016, 03:05 PM

CooterBrown

He just told us The Original Poisoning Story...hopefully, my transcribing does it justice...

"So back when I first started seeing Tina (current wife) my ex called me to come over to her apartment. We'd been separated for like 6 months. She forged my name on a lease at Mansions of Steiner Ranch. We are talking divorce stuff. She offers me a beer. I thought it was weird since she never once offered to get me a beer while we were married. I drank it. She then asked me if I wanted another, so I drank a 2nd beer. Then she asked again...now I'm thinking she's trying to win Jimmy back but nope I got the good stuff at home now. I drink a 3rd. I start to feel a little sick so I go out on the back patio. I look down in the beer and it's foaming up a thick white foam. I keep drinking. She brings me another and I keep drinking. This one is foaming up too. She then locks me out on the patio and yells at me "Fuck you you motherfucker! If you want out you need to jump!" I look down, it's a long ways. Like 30 or 40 feet. I lay down on the patio. I then wake up standing up in the living room. I don't know if I jumped or if she let me back in. Her new boyfriend, now ex-husband is there. He tells me to leave. I call Tina to come get since I didn't have a car and used a taxi to get there. Next thing I know I'm out in the woods. I guess I just started walking. Tina finally found me on the side of the road a few hours later. The next morning my ex called and said she was sorry for trying to kill me but at the moment she felt it was the proper thing to do.

·        05-03-2016, 03:11 PM

DeftwillP

Ad Hawk. It's Latin for Incredible Hulk

This is why we need über....for the jimmies out there who get poisoned by 3rd wives

·        05-03-2016, 03:11 PM

ihateowho

giphy.gif

 

·        05-03-2016, 03:19 PM

lurch

Quote:


I don't know if I jumped or if she let me back in


That's the most sane part of the story.

·        05-03-2016, 03:37 PM

BlueGreySky06

jimmy's life NEEDS to be a movie. 

i don't know if it's right or not, but i mostly read his stuff with this guy's character/voice,


http://i1.wp.com/geargods.net/wp-con...fit=690%2C1024

·        05-03-2016, 04:30 PM

Captain Obvious

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

He just told us The Original Poisoning Story...hopefully, my transcribing does it justice...

"So back when I first started seeing Tina (current wife) my ex called me to come over to her apartment. We'd been separated for like 6 months. She forged my name on a lease at Mansions of Steiner Ranch. We are talking divorce stuff. She offers me a beer. I thought it was weird since she never once offered to get me a beer while we were married. I drank it. She then asked me if I wanted another, so I drank a 2nd beer. Then she asked again...now I'm thinking she's trying to win Jimmy back but nope I got the good stuff at home now. I drink a 3rd. I start to feel a little sick so I go out on the back patio. I look down in the beer and it's foaming up a thick white foam. I keep drinking. She brings me another and I keep drinking. This one is foaming up too. She then locks me out on the patio and yells at me "$#@! you you $#@!! If you want out you need to jump!" I look down, it's a long ways. Like 30 or 40 feet. I lay down on the patio. I then wake up standing up in the living room. I don't know if I jumped or if she let me back in. Her new boyfriend, now ex-husband is there. He tells me to leave. I call Tina to come get since I didn't have a car and used a taxi to get there. Next thing I know I'm out in the woods. I guess I just started walking. Tina finally found me on the side of the road a few hours later. The next morning my ex called and said she was sorry for trying to kill me but at the moment she felt it was the proper thing to do.


It must never have occurred to Jimmy that maybe the beer wasn't poisoned and his ex-wife just figured he'd take her up on the offer to jump. I mean, I wouldn't have been shocked if he opted to jump without drinking the beer.

Still, I'm glad he didn't jump because now we have this glorious thread.

·        05-03-2016, 04:33 PM

Thermos H Christ

And this same woman later baked him a birthday cake? Yeah, he probably should have been suspicious.

·        05-03-2016, 05:21 PM

llanoflash

"I'm gonna find out if my way is the highway or if the highway is the right way." 

Yogi Berra my ass. 
Dirt Bike rules.

·        05-03-2016, 05:52 PM

SmokeBomb

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"

Adam: "Jimmy have you seen people fishing with drones?"
Jimmy: "I seen a lot of things. (long pause) Jesus. I've seen things."


I just read this thread and this quote is the funniest thing I've read on Shaggy. I was literally crying laughing. By itself it isn't all that funny but after reading up on ole dirt bike, it's perfect.

·        05-03-2016, 06:23 PM

Chad Fuck

Quote:


Originally Posted by Captain Obvious 

It must never have occurred to Jimmy that maybe the beer wasn't poisoned and his ex-wife just figured he'd take her up on the offer to jump. I mean, I wouldn't have been shocked if he opted to jump without drinking the beer.

Still, I'm glad he didn't jump because now we have this glorious thread.


Do you really think four beers are enough to fuck up Dirt Bike?

·        05-03-2016, 06:45 PM

Robin Masters

I would pay you to work in Jimmy's department for a week.

·        05-03-2016, 06:47 PM

Captain Obvious

Quote:


Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

I would pay you to work in Jimmy's department for a week.


Working with Jimmy should at least net an endless supply of unpaid interns. Your company (or just you) needs to take advantage of the situation.

·        05-04-2016, 07:52 AM

Tuco Ramirez

I think it's funny he keeps drinking after feeling sick and noticing something off about the beer. There is something Homer and giant sub about that.

·        05-04-2016, 12:12 PM

CooterBrown

"Hey Lisa, what's the vegetarian version of chicken fried steak? Portamellow mushrooms?"


J: "Pop a willy!"
S: "It's wheelie."
J: "Not the willy I'm talking about."

·        05-04-2016, 12:27 PM

zepol87

Jimmy makes my day 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        05-04-2016, 12:30 PM

HenryJames

Jimmy's playing chess while the rest of us play checkers.

·        05-04-2016, 01:06 PM

trey3216

Quote:


Originally Posted by HenryJames 

Jimmy's playing chess while the rest of us play checkers.


Jimmy's playing mahjong while the rest of us play uno.

·        05-04-2016, 01:28 PM

Red Five

Bottom of Form

·        05-26-2016, 02:02 PM

CooterBrown

"Heard of that Great Wall in China? You know, they say you can see it from space. I say it depends on where you are at in space."

·        05-26-2016, 02:04 PM

OnBoard

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Heard of that Great Wall in China? You know, they say you can see it from space. I say it depends on where you are at in space."


Words fail me, unlike Jimmy. The sheer omnipotence of the man.

·        05-26-2016, 02:28 PM

Celery Man

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Heard of that Great Wall in China? You know, they say you can see it from space. I say it depends on where you are at in space."

giphy.gif

·        05-26-2016, 03:05 PM

MissingInAction

Dirt bike really needs to start a sunday service somewhere. I would attend religiously.

·        05-27-2016, 02:05 PM

CooterBrown

"you know that blood sucking goat killer chupacabra? I have me a theory. It's actually some sausage makers draining them goats dry so they can make some blood sausage. Yeah, they could be a cult or vampires but my money is on sausage makers."

"Bigfoot is real. I know a mountain hippie that spent time with one. It's okay though. I like me some bigfoot. It's a free country but I don't need no bigfoot living in my neighborhood. Nothing makes home values go down like bigfoot moving in and tearing shit up."

"I wonder what bigfoot would do for a living when they come out of the closet. They'd make a good bouncer. Nobody will stir shit up. If he's got some talent could probably play Chewbacca in a Star War."

·        05-27-2016, 02:14 PM

Mantis Toboggan, MD

I can't believe Dirt Bike doesn't believe Chupacabra is real

·        05-27-2016, 02:15 PM

OnBoard

Why isn't this guy miked up 24/7 ?

·        05-27-2016, 02:17 PM

Stilicho

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"Bigfoot is real. I know a mountain hippie that spent time with one. It's okay though. I like me some bigfoot. It's a free country but I don't need no bigfoot living in my neighborhood. Nothing makes home values go down like bigfoot moving in and tearing shit up."

·        05-27-2016, 05:50 PM

Gardner Barnes

Once again. I just can't believe dirt bike is something that is real. These are so incredible.

·        05-27-2016, 07:54 PM

Stilicho

I keep picturing a Sasquatch from the jerky commercials just going apeshit on some drywall as a Remax agent just stands in horror with some first time homeowners in the foyer. 

And just through the shattered dining room window you see dirt bike standing in his yard across the street, knowingly nodding and sipping on a can of Bud Ice Light.

·        05-29-2016, 11:49 AM

cactusflinthead

Quote:


Originally Posted by OnBoard 

Why isn't this guy miked up 24/7 ?


'the wisdom of Dirt Bike' would be must watch TV

·        05-29-2016, 02:11 PM

mchookem

How is his demeanor generally? I keep picturing Kramer when I'm reading...

·        06-06-2016, 08:34 AM

CooterBrown

"No Matter how much you paid me, I would not have stayed there. But I did."

"Sometimes you're expecting a one, and you get a two."

"'Drop it like it's hard. Ah man, that's what I been sayin' to Tina when I walk in and slam her."

·        06-06-2016, 10:21 AM

Celery Man

It's all true man, it's all true.

·        06-06-2016, 10:36 AM

Robin Masters

"Sometimes you're expecting a one, and you get a two."

Was he talking about a combo at Whataburger or more toiletish topics? Either way, it's something monks could sit under a tree meditating for centuries on and still not fully understand the way Dirt Bike does.

·        06-06-2016, 03:58 PM

Thermos H Christ

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"'Drop it like it's hard. Ah man, that's what I been sayin' to Tina when I walk in and slam her."


Wait, "slam her" as in have sex with her? That would mean the hard thing is his junk, right? What part of sex involves the junk being "dropped"? I'm a little concerned. Or maybe he's doing wrestling moves? Or, my god, maybe both? Is he jumping off the turnbuckle on to his wife? In to his wife?

·        06-06-2016, 04:05 PM

Prepuce of Doom

Perhaps our man Dirtbike is into daggering? 

I want to take this opportunity to announce that I am always thrilled when I see this thread get bumped.

·        06-06-2016, 07:30 PM

MissingInAction

Quote:


Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

"Sometimes you're expecting a one, and you get a two."

Was he talking about a combo at Whataburger or more toiletish topics? Either way, it's something monks could sit under a tree meditating for centuries on and still not fully understand the way Dirt Bike does.


All hyperbole aside, I completely agree.

·        06-06-2016, 07:41 PM

Stilicho

Quote:


Originally Posted by CooterBrown 

"No Matter how much you paid me, I would not have stayed there. But I did."

"Sometimes you're expecting a one, and you get a two."

"'Drop it like it's hard. Ah man, that's what I been sayin' to Tina when I walk in and slam her."


It's like a "Dusty Rhodes Promo" starter kit.

·        06-06-2016, 07:44 PM

zepol87

Pics of Tina? 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk

·        06-06-2016, 08:51 PM

Celery Man

Quote:


Originally Posted by Robin Masters 

"Sometimes you're expecting a one, and you get a two."

Was he talking about a combo at Whataburger or more toiletish topics? Either way, it's something monks could sit under a tree meditating for centuries on and still not fully understand the way Dirt Bike does.



It's when the drummer starts counting off the song and catches you off guard.

·        06-06-2016, 09:16 PM

Chad Fuck

Where was it he wouldn't have been paid to stay but did?

·        06-06-2016, 10:37 PM

lurch

This is how new religions start.

·        06-07-2016, 12:40 PM

CooterBrown

"We went to Starbucks on Saturday 'cause Tina likes to be fancy people...she'll read a book, I'll play Candy Crush. Went to the bathroom expecting a 'W' and an 'M' but I got there and there's a 'G'. It said 'Gender Neutral'. What the hell am I supposed to do? It had a picture of a half man and half woman. I don't have no gender. I'm 100% man. I had no idea which one to go in to."

·        06-07-2016, 12:57 PM

trey3216

The Great Dirt Bike: At the forefront of gender association demographics. 
tumblr_mdc65v0gPk1ruhd6j.gif

 

·        06-07-2016, 02:14 PM

unklphucker

Dirt Bike is a misplaced Eastern mystic.

·        06-07-2016, 02:16 PM

Robin Masters

" I'm 100% man."

seldom have words needed to be said less.

·        06-07-2016, 05:26 PM