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Posted

Bob decides to throw a costume party and puts up signs in his neighborhood, inviting everyone. The party is going well when the doorbell rings. Bob answers it and finds a man standing there with a woman clinging to his back. The guy asks, "Is this the costume party?" Bob answers, "Yes, but why aren't you in a costume?" The guy says, "I am! I'm a snail." Bob looks him over and says, "Why do you have a woman on your back?" The guy says, "That's Michelle."

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Posted

I saw a guy at the bus stop holding a bag of balloons. I asked him if I could buy one for my kid, and he said, "Sure. One dollar." I pulled out my wallet and asked if he could blow it up for me since I'm not really good at that. The guy agreed and blew up the balloon. He handed it to me and said, "That'll be two dollars." I said, "You told me it was only a dollar! Why are you charging me two dollars now?" The guy replied, "Inflation."

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  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

My neighbor came over and asked to borrow a gallon of water.

He said his water got shut off because he couldn't pay his water bill.

Spoiler

I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

IMG_0024.jpeg.f79d6b30f5f5e0e19c596edc0dc5de1e.jpeg
 

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A lip reader. 

Edited by nnm
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Posted

Went to see the Doc this morning. He asked me what seems to be the problem? I told him I noticed Miz Long and I don't seem to be enjoying sex as much as we used to do.

He said "Jesus, Tex! How old are you now?"

I said "I'm 81, and she's 74."

He laughed, and said "Yeah, okay, so when did you first notice this?"

I said "Well, the first time was last night, but then twice again earlier this morning."

 

Posted
1 hour ago, WithoutAClue said:

welkkids.jpg

Got a chuckle from me because the only things we were allowed to watch at Mama's house were Gunsmoke, the news, and Lawrence Welk.  

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Posted
6 hours ago, nnm said:

Got a chuckle from me because the only things we were allowed to watch at Mama's house were Gunsmoke, the news, and Lawrence Welk.  

LW was must-see-tv at my maternal grandmother's house. It was the only music she thought was decent outside of church hymns. She was a hoot. 

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Posted
8 hours ago, nnm said:

Got a chuckle from me because the only things we were allowed to watch at Mama's house were Gunsmoke, the news, and Lawrence Welk.  

Weekend evening fare at my grandparents was Mutual of Omahas Wild Kingdom, Wonderful World of Disney, Lawrence Welk and Hee Haw.  Good times.

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Posted
1 hour ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

Weekend evening fare at my grandparents was Mutual of Omahas Wild Kingdom, Wonderful World of Disney, Lawrence Welk and Hee Haw.  Good times.

100% this at my paternal parents in San Angelo.  Wow.

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Posted (edited)
On 3/11/2025 at 11:38 AM, nnm said:

Got a chuckle from me because the only things we were allowed to watch at Mama's house were Gunsmoke, the news, and Lawrence Welk.  

No Hee-Haw?

lol posted that before I read the shit right afterward. Long live H2…

Edited by Ignatius
Posted

Woke up horny this morning. Wife's visiting her sisters for a few days, so I just called my favorite "phone sex worker".

Turned out she's on vacation. Her voicemail message said "I'm out of town for a few days. Sorry, you can't come to the phone right now."

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. Two to screw in the light bulb, and one to give you a blowjob while you watch the first two screwing.

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

So my wife told me to hurry up as I was taking a shit….

I told her I’m hurrying. Told her to call me Vladimir 

…because I’m Putin, and I’m Russian!

Posted

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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